“What is your real name” and all of your other questions somewhat answered

I get many, many emails. And y’all are not shy about asking me some personal as questions. So I’ve been saving them up for a blog post. Here they are. Enjoy (or don’t – it’s a free world apparently).

Is Ham sleeping now?

He is not. I am the saddest in the world. He slept for three days then stopped for no reason at all and is back to waking a million times a night.

EDIT: I started this post ages ago and just chuck in questions whenever I get them by DM or email. Anyway NOW as of 29th of May – Hammy Davis Jnr IS sleeping mostly all night in his own bed mostly 80% of the time. It didn’t happen overnight but it did happen! Almost like sleep is a developmental milestone heeeey!

Do you still have the floor bed?

No. He’s big enough now to get up on to a big bed so we have a double bed in his room. But most of the time he wakes up and walks into our room and gets into our bed. So he doesn’t use it much. I love floor beds but you have to stand them every day to stop mould and it’s a pain in the ass.

EDIT: Again, I know – Well we put a single bed in his room and now she sleeps in it. Do I know why? No I do not.

You CENCORED ME when you DELETED my comment off your facebook PAGE. I AM taking you to the PRESS COUNCIL. YOU are the WORST jurnalist etc. forever.

Heeeey, hey baby. Oooh ahh. I’m not a journaliiiist. I’m a fuckin non-fiction writer of personal essays or a mummy blogger depending on who you ask.

The Press Council doesn’t give a shit about Facebook comments. You don’t have a right to abuse people on Facebook pages. Drive-by trolling is bad news. Choose life. choose proper spelling. Choose grammar.

I saw you at Chipmunks and you weren’t watching your child.

Yep. And? My kids can play on their own – they’re old enough. They come to me if there’s an issue. They’re nice kids. Sometimes they get decked by another kid – and that’s life. This whole ‘watch your child for every millisecond of the day’ is a new modern parenting thing that I’m not buying into. You can blink. Your child will be fine in a gigantic gated purpose-built playground that was designed entirely for children to safely play. If parents can’t ignore their child at Chipmunks they literally can’t ignore their child anywhere. Also, don’t be all like – oh I love your blog, but watch your kids at Chipmunks. You get a blog, or you get me watching my kids at Chipmunks. You don’t get both.

I want to be a mummy blogger. What’s your best piece of advice.

Respect your kids. Don’t knee-jerk publish shit. Sit on it for a while – then publish. Moderate your page – don’t let mothers be horrible to each other. Too often I see mum blogs where people write purposely controversial and horrible stuff and the comments are all “that mum is a fucking bitch” or “her kid sounds like a fucking asshole” and the blogger doesn’t moderate because they’re like – yay, people agree with my shitty opinion and yay, lots of faves and likes! Don’t be this person. Think of your contribution to the parenting community. Is it just making yourself feel good to the detriment of everyone else? That’s crappy. Also, consider your kids, what will they think one day about what you’ve written about them? How will they feel? I print off each piece I write and put it in a box for my kids to read. It’s a tangible way of reminding myself that one day they will read what I’ve written. When you call kids cunts and assholes – you’re not doing that in a vacuum. We live in a society with really high rates of child abuse. You might think you’re not contributing to that, and of course directly you’re not. BUT you’re separating kids into us vs them. Your kid is good, their kid is not. Do you really want to do that? And when you pile-on other mothers – you’re just condoning that kind of behaviour. It’s shitty. Also, be honest if you’re selling to people and consider the ethics of that. Sponsored content is fine – but be honest about what you’re being paid for – and “payment” includes overseas trips and a year’s worth of nappies or whatever. Selling diet pills and credit cards and shit people don’t need is not great either. And yes, I know this is a lecture but you’re the one who asked.

Are you gay because that’s a pretty gay haircut.

I am a gay. And thank you that’s exactly why I picked this haircut. I said ‘make me gay as’.

So you’re not married/what about your husband/you’re not etc

I am happily married. Straight people get the horn for people who aren’t their partners. Queers are no different.

Where do you get coffee/work/go to the movies?

Gotham is my fave coffee place. I get coffee there most days. The staff are awesome and the coffee is great. I go to the movies at Empire Cinema, Penthouse Cinema and Reading Cinema. Empire is great – nice staff, good food/wine, and Penthouse has good deals for Girls Night Out (no popcorn but good bubbles). I do love Reading Gold Lounge though. Because you can put your feet up and you can get wine delivered to you. I work from home or at Empire.

Are you pregnant?

No.

Are you going to have a third child?

No.

What is your favourite place to buy clothes? What are your favourite shops?

I don’t buy much because I’m broke but – I love Wellington designer Aida Maeby and I love Kowtow. I’ve loved Kowtow forever and Aida gave me some clothes for my book tour when I did heaps of TV and I’m obsessed with them and her designs. I love Madame Fancy Pants. Unity Books is definitely a favourite shop. My all time favourite place to buy kids clothes is Freedom Kids. Their clothes last forever. Some have been through both my boys and are now with my niece and they still look new. Eddie and Hamuel L Jackson both wear the rainbow pants and top combo almost daily and it still looks amazing. They don’t shrink even when they’re just thrown in the wash.

Are you married? How come we don’t see photos of your husband? What is his name?

Yes I am. He’s shy. You don’t need to know anything about him beyond the fact that he’s a very good husband and I love him very much. His name is Tarzan the vagina destroyer.

What do you wish you had which you don’t? Is there a brand you wish you could work with?

I thought this was such a hard out question, until I saw the brand thing. Then googled the person asking and found out they worked for an “influencer” place. I don’t like the idea of selling K-Mart or KFC or sleep drops or vitamin water (I’m vegetarian and I’m trying not to buy shit that just ends up at landfills) but I would like a dryer. I worry about the kid’s health having clothes racks and also (MC) Hammer keeps fucking breaking them. So if you want me to smile broadly in front of a dryer I will fucking do it hard and with great enthusiasm. I will sit on the dyer and hashtag the shit out of it. Whatever you want. I will whore myself out for a dryer big time.

What are your favourite things to do in Wellington/What are your favourite bars?

Chipmunks. Te Papa. Capital E. The Zoo. Just the usual stuff. I really like Chipmunks though. Oh and for not kids stuff? When I get the chance I like going to movies. I’m pretty boring. I spend most of my time chasing the kids or working. If I get a night off it’s usually “for” something. Like The Ballet is for Everyone Ball (which you can buy tickets to). Favourite bars are Fringe Bar and Ivy and uhhhh damn I really don’t go out. I went to that new cocktail bar on Forester Lane and that was LOVELY I would go there again – hot bartender too. Basically I chose bar tenders based on hotness. Ivy has Freya (yes, I know shame – she gives big pours and makes me feel like I’m not some gross slob house wife even though undoubtedly I am) and Forester Lane has a guy with great arms who let me squeeze them when I had a few too many bubbles (I asked OK).

What is your REAL NAME? Your last name isn’t REALLY WRITES IS IT I KNOW IT ISN’T!

OK it’s Writes Writes. I just call myself Emily to distinguish myself from all the other Writes Writes.

Look this person on Twitter said your face looks like a half sucked mango

Please don’t send me stuff from losers on Twitter. I’m not on there for a reason and I don’t have time to entertain people whose only contribution to the world is being deeply unpleasant.

Will you get drunk with me and my antenatal group?

Yes. Buy tickets to the Ballet is for Everyone Ball (all proceeds to charity) and I will get drunk with you. I would love to!