Tom Hardy’s sad eyes

So reason number 9378 that I’ll never be a professional film reviewer is usually I get my reviews out well after a movie has been and gone. With that in mind…

War For The Planet of the Apes

Somebody said to me “It wasn’t what I was expecting” and I was like I don’t understand it was literally a war for The Planet of the Apes and the movie is called War For The Planet Of The Apes. Like did you think it was going to be *Googles “what is considered best movie of all time”* Citizen Kane? It’s a movie about a war for the Planet of the Apes. Was there a war – yes. Were there apes – yes. I got what I paid for then.

Would you be more scared to find a gorilla, a chimpanzee, or an orangutan in your room in the middle of the night? They say the orangutans are the nice ones but they scare me so much. Remember that story about that woman who breastfed a chimp? That’s messed up.

General score: 9 deadly orangutans out of 15.

Thirst score: Woody Harrelson is shirtless but he reminds me of my uncle so gives me a severe case of the dries. But I do think he would be fun to smoke weed with. No other eye candy unless you are into bestiality and while I’m very much you do you here, I’m not that permissive.

The Big Sick

Romantic and cute. I like Silicon Valley even though I feel like I shouldn’t. I really like Kumail Nanjiani after seeing this movie. It made me want to look up his stand-up because I’ve never seen it. He is really funny and sharp on Twitter. I don’t usually like romantic comedies unless they have like very specific shower scenes involving Zac Efron as a returned soldier. But I did genuinely like this. It was a perfect movie to just vege out to and the actress is good too but not so good that I feel the need to google her name to add into this review. Ady Bryant is in this too and she’s delightful and it made me wish there was an SNL women only comedy. That’d be great.

General score: Very good for not having any Zac Efron in the shower scenes. 10 stars.

Thirst score: Kumail Nanjiani gets hotter the more you watch. It’s the strange phenomenon of like – not my type but then somehow they become more your type just by how nice they seem. Thinking about Kumail Nanjiani in that way seems unfair though given all that he and his wife have been through. The actress has nice eyebrows and the fact that I noticed that is probably not a good sign in terms of thirst.

Faces Places

I went to the opening of the Film Festival and I was a bit drunk already when I sat down because I hadn’t eaten much and we had bought a bottle of wine to celebrate my friend getting a second book contract. So when the movie started I was like to my friend Gem: If it’s French subtitles I’m leaving. And it fucking was. I hate subtitles. If I wanted to read I’d read a book or something IDK. I also don’t really like French films which is weird because I like croissants. And that’s probably unfair because I can’t even think of one French film I’ve watched other than this one. And I liked this one. It was about an old lady film maker and a young artist dude. And they go around the French countryside and take photos of people and stuff. It sounds boring as shit but I really liked it. And that’s saying something. It genuinely moved me.

General score: cinq out of cinq mate.

Thirst score: There’s a hot babe on a big rig. You might be into the young artist if you’re into douchey looking guys. He seems lovely even if he dresses like a barista.

Dunkirk

This is the perfect movie to watch if you want to spend a relentless terrible and awful two hours watching very young white men die for no reason. The music made me want to throw up. I was so stressed I wanted to leave after 10 minutes. It was awful. There’s so much death and just intense grim terribleness that the supposed pay off means nothing when it finally happens. Also everyone looks exactly the same. Like there’s this one scene where Harry Styles and two other Harry Styles are on the beach and you cannot tell the three of them apart.

General score: Well, you’re not going to feel like dinner after watching 100,000 young men die so make sure you eat before watching it. Any movie that puts me off eating gets an automatic score of -78. Dunkirk is so horrible I am calling it as my most hated film of 2017 after Cars 3.

Thirst score: Hard to sustain a lady boner when all these young boys are dying and you’re thinking about their mothers and how many people die in wars. So zero thirst other than when Tom Hardy takes off his mask and also 15 seconds of Tom Hardy standing by his plane. He has very sad eyes and you know how I feel about sad eyes. He always looks like he’s really stressed. Or like he’s carefully considering a pub quiz question. And I am here for it. Or he’s saying ‘Emily – don’t go there with the kids from One Direction. You’re just going to seem like a dirty old pervert’. Well, Tom Hardy, I’m going there. I have thought a lot about whether I would sleep with the boys from One Direction considering how old I am and how young they are. You’ve thought about this too. And my answer is yes. In terms of who would be best in bed I have thought about that too. Zayn, then Harry, then the other three or four or whatever with the blonde Irish one last. He looks so young in this movie that I didn’t once think about banging him. My friend Caroline and I decided on an alternate ending where Tom Hardy’s plane catches on fire and he lands on the beach and his clothes burn off and he jumps in the water and then he gets out of the water and war is over and he just stands there wet and naked and then it just says DUNKIRK.

Cars 3

God this movie was so fucking long. Like why do they need to make a movie about cars racing each other so fucking long. My kid got up and peed twice during it. Was scared during the car crash. Got confused by the plot which was unnecessarily complicated given most of the people watching it still piss their pants when they get excited about something.

General score: I hated it equally as much as I hated Cars 1 and 2 which is a lot.

Thirst score: None unless you want to fuck a cartoon car.

Despicable Me 820 or whatever number we are up to now

My child liked it. So I don’t really care. It held his attention. They’re terrible movies. Like really shit. If you compare it to Moana it’s like what the fuck. It’s garbage. But my kid liked it so whatever.

General score: I zoned out and I think actually went to sleep through part of the movie. My child loved it so I guess seven barrel scrapes out of seven.

Thirst score: I looked at pictures of Justin Trudeau on my phone.