Posted on October 20, 2015
Remorse and redemption
I remember the first time I talked to my son about the word sorry. I had asked him to apologise for snatching a toy from his best friend. He had looked at me with his big beautiful blue eyes and said “Why I sorry?”
I realised that I couldn’t teach him to say sorry, I had to teach him about the concept of remorse and what it means to be truly sorry.
This was a year ago. In the past 12 months or more, I have worked hard to help him understand empathy. He already absolutely feels empathy, to such an extent that I have in the past worried about his gentleness and the way he feels so much for others. But feeling empathy as a child, doesn’t mean you understand what you’re feeling.
If some of the comments I’ve seen today are anything to go by, my sons will grow up in a world where they will not be held to the same standards others are. Should they hurt others, they will not be expected to show remorse. They will likely be given redemption whether they deserve it or not. They will not need to have empathy for others. They will not be expected to.
It’s my job to teach them that they should not just allow the toxic masculinity that hurts them and helps them wash over their lives without acknowledgement and challenge.
I am lucky that they will grow up with men around them who challenge violent men and never make excuses for violence. I am unlucky – and so are they – that they will also be exposed to so many men who will not challenge it, who will embrace excuses.
I will teach my sons that they must speak up for others. That they must know that violence against women is abhorrent and intolerable regardless of the fact that in this country they might just get away with it. They must know that it’s not enough to just not be violent. They must, must, MUST stand against violence and violent men.
I will teach them what true remorse is. I will teach them that saying sorry and not meaning it doesn’t change anything – that it’s another way to hurt someone and not take ownership of your actions. That sorry is merely the start of a conversation that may lead to healing if they do enough to really show they have true remorse. I will teach them that if they grow up to be someone who has a platform they need to use that platform wisely, to always support and strengthen others.
I will teach them that someone who commits acts of violent abuse, and then uses the immense platform they have to further abuse their victim, is someone they should never, ever support or aspire to be. And that silence is a form of support – as they have the privilege and power to be listened to when others don’t.
I hope, that one day I see my sons as young men – absolutely rejecting the culture that continues to run unabated around them. This culture that glorifies men who deserve no glory. This culture that provides redemption to men who have shown no remorse.
I have two sons – I will do my very best to raise them to rise above and reject a culture that will reward them because of the colour of their skin (regardless of their race) and their presenting gender.
I will do this for them, but I will also do it for women and those who are at risk of abuse at the hands of men who refuse to learn and who benefit from being who they are.
Men who are adults who can’t grasp a concept my now three year old knows and understands.
You don’t deserve redemption just because you request it. You don’t deserve forgiveness just because you want it. You don’t get to say sorry and think that that erases the hurt and pain you caused.
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So glad you wrote this <3
This is so true.
Yes. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this.
I love this post. Beautifully said. Thanks for sharing.
I love how eloquently you put this Emily <3
I love this, and have also always vowed to raise men who respect women and abhor violence. They have so much more sway than we do in the community and with other men in society.
I always worry though about this “silence is a form of support” argument that comes up a lot. Some people just aren’t strong enough to be a voice/mouthpiece and step in when they see something they disagree with. In theory I think every man should step forward and do something/say something/take a stand against these situations but some just can’t cope with that, and I don’t want to put that expectation onto anybody. If we want to get rid of toxic masculinity we have to acknowledge that some men aren’t equipped to be our cheerleaders. Hope you don’t take offense to that! x
Yes, good point Kat. Thank you for sharing that, it’s something I need to remember ❤️
An interesting and thought-provoking post Mama Said
Getting the balance right in raising our boys is challenging I think?
Because as well as asking them to challenge aspects of our society such as inequality and disrespect we
also want them to feel accepted and loved? Partly because they will need this if they are to be able to respect and love others throughout life
Absolutely, it’s our forever job to make sure they feel safe and loved always.
Thanks for writing this.
Re “Men who are adults who can’t grasp a concept my now three year old knows and understands.”
I’m so glad you included this point. It really bothers me that heaps of the commentary around the issue that (I presume) sparked this post has said things like “he needs to grow up” or “childish response”. My boy is 20 months old and a few weeks ago was going through a biting phase. After a particularly painful bite on my arm I sat him down and spent a good ten minutes explaining that when he bites me it hurts – just like it hurt him when he fell over and grazed his knee, or when the cat scratched him (he’d pulled the cat off the windowsill by the tail). At some point he got it, and I saw his face crumple with the realisation he’d caused me pain and he started crying and said “no more” and stroked my arm where he had bitten it and gave me a big hig. at which point, without knowing the word “sorry” yet, he clearly understood the concept of remorse and the importance of not hurting people. Even toddlers can get this, and one of our jobs as parents – as you so perfectly express – is to preserve this understanding in the face of a culture that holds powerful adults to a lesser standard.
Disgusted Tony Veitch now has a new show. Just announced today. This country smh