Posted on November 2, 2015
How not to be a jerk
Breastfeeding my fat little ham a woman leans over and says “he looks far too big for you to still be breastfeeding!”
Struggling to clip up my bra as he wiggles and jiggles I hear “How old is he? You don’t need to breastfeed past six weeks”.
My chubby and happy baby cries out an anger over a dropped toy: “Are you breastfeeding? He’s probably hungry poor thing! He needs a bottle!”
“A little boy? You probably need to use formula too because boys need more milk than girls!”
“My baby slept through the night from birth – but that’s because I didn’t breast feed”.
“It’s a shame your husband can’t help you with anything because you choose to breastfeed – my husband was really hands on because we formula fed. It’s important for the baby to have both parents”.
“How long are you going to breastfeed for?”
“Don’t you think it’s time to stop?”
“When are you going to wean?”
“Is he getting enough milk?”
“You should give him a bottle top up. That’s what formula is for!”
“Do you still feed overnight?”
“I choose sleep, that’s why I don’t breastfeed. I don’t know why you bother!”
“How many feeds is he having?”
“What are you going to do when you go back to work?”
HOW ABOUT YOU GET OFF MY TITS?
They’re mine. Not yours. I’m not asking you to breastfeed my child so why do you give a shit about what I’m doing? Do I ask what you’re doing with your nipples? No? I don’t? So why ask me? Relentlessly. Constantly. All the bloody time. Do you want daily updates? What answer should I give to make you back off?
It shouldn’t matter to anyone how people are feeding their kids. I can’t believe we are still having this inane debate. But here we are. I wasn’t even going to write about this, but another incredulous “are you still breastfeeding?!?” comment has tipped me over the edge.
Yes, if you must know, I am STILL breastfeeding my infant baby tiny child who is only nine months old. Because he is a baby. Babies need fluid. This is how the world works. Saying “are you still breastfeeding?” Is the weirdest dumbest question ever – my tit isn’t in his mouth for kicks. You can see with your own eyes that I am. And if I’m not breastfeeding right then and there and I’m asked – what’s the point of the question? What does it matter? If I asked everyone to tell me when you’re meant to stop breastfeeding, everyone would give a different date – so what’s the point in talking about it.
How about since it’s my body, I decide?
if you don’t like people breastfeeding past a couple of weeks, that is fine. Here is what you should do about it – go outside, yell at a tree. Because nobody cares.
As long as I don’t ask you to breastfeed my child, as long as I don’t try to breastfeed you – you shouldn’t be opening your mouth and saying anything about my tits to me. You shouldn’t care, for some reason you do, I don’t know why – but whatever, that’s your weird deal. But you need to not say this to breastfeeding mums.
Likewise you need to stfu about formula feeding. I’ve done both – EBM and formula for my first and breastmilk direct and formula for my second. And I find the endless blog posts and coffee group chatter about both desperately boring. Hell, this post is boring! BUT – the reason why we keep having this conversation is because people KEEP BEING JERKS.
Of all the interesting things you can talk to mums about – child development, gummy smiles, novelty onesies, the rights of little people, how kids play, the funny ways they say words, what wine is on special at Pak N Save, how to blow raspberries, little booties, paid parental leave, white noise apps, K-Mart, fat cheeks, music babies love and how they dance, things that make them smile, types of coffee, poo, first words, hot dads, hot mums, fresh newborn baby smell, best playgrounds, least annoying Disney songs, parenting wins, parenting fails, how to get them out of a fucking swaddle, fluffy hair, yummy cuddles….all of those things and all you can think to do is make a comment about whether the baby is bottle fed or breast fed?
Try harder. Try instead:
What a beautiful baby.
OR
Here’s some money.
OR
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once, I don’t know what they were laced with but I was tripping all day.
Ok I’m sorry about that one.
Mainly though, people need to quit saying shit to mums they would never ever say to anyone else. Think: 1) is it my business? 2) do I need to know? 3) will asking achieve anything at all?
Question why it bothers you and question whether it should bother you – this applies to EVERYTHING to do with parenting and unsolicited advice. Before you make a comment to someone about their say – sleeping arrangements with their kids – think about what commenting on it is going to achieve. Yes, you’d NEVER have your kids in your bed. Cool, here’s your medal – Now, is this mum or dad asking you to have their child in your bed? No? Are you wanting to sleep in their bed? No? So why are you upset? Why say anything?
Everyone is tired and muddling their way through – this is the default position of parents.
Just muddle through and don’t get worked up about how anyone else is doing something.
Unless they’re trying to breastfeed you. In which case – yeah, say something.
Otherwise, don’t be a jerk.
***
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Amen! I’ve never tried to breastfeed a big person….but today I went outside to see what the dog was yelling at and forgot to put my boob away “oh hey neighbors!” So, in summary, if I stopped breastfeeding, I would miss out on these amazing stories to share.
I know right! What I don’t get about myself is how I keep forgetting to put the damn thing away. When did I stop noticing it is on display and will this continue … Lol
I thought I was the only one who had stopped noticing her boob was hanging out!
Anyone else end up referring to breasts as “hoots” to other adults as that’s what their kid calls it? Anyone…?
YES!
There are SO MANY THINGS that are simply NONE OF MY BUSINESS, from how tall or heavy or shy you are, to who you sleep with. The idea that people’s feeding choices should be in the category ‘everyone’s business’ just defies belief. Except it’s everywhere.
Thanks for the lovely rant!
When my little preemie dude was a couple of months old we went out with him to a mall. It was one of those infrequent but necessary “holy shit, I can’t remember the last time I left the house can we please go somewhere, ANYWHERE” kind of outings. We got hot chocolate and I looked at skirts I couldn’t fit into any more. The wee guy was in a front pack, snuggling up on my partner’s chest when I bumped into a former workmate who didn’t even know I’d had a baby and just about the second thing out of her mouth was “that baby’s far too young to be out”.
And I just thought, fuck you, lady. It’s hard enough having a newborn, and actually managing to get out of the house for an hour, let alone one that you’re constantly concerned is not big enough, and then someone just makes a sweeping pronouncement and what, I’m supposed to then defend my decision to you, someone I haven’t seen for years? I mean, JESUS. And I did. I said “well, he’s actually x number of weeks old” but she’d already moved on to something else by then. But 2 years later I still remember how shit that felt. That judgement. And I had a really hard time in that first 6 months, paranoid that he wasn’t big enough, wasn’t eating well enough, and at least some of that was down to anxiety that I would be judged by other people because my baby was so small.
Just be fucking kind to mums of babies. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh that sucks so much. Friends of ours were taking walks with their baby on day 5. Like, chill out, everyone else. You’re the parent, not them.
Bloody hell, what a thoughtless bitch! I’m so sorry that happened to you.
This is literally the most perfect thing ever written about breastfeeding. I love it!
Just brilliant and absolutely to the point.
I especially like ‘…go outside and tell at a tree’. I need to start using this piece of appropriate direction.
Perfectly said. I was gobsmacked when the woman who cleans our office berated a colleague who was bottle feeding her 8 month old son for not breastfeeding. I actually was so ignorant, I thought the judgment around how babies were fed had died in the 70s.
Also, that drug deal shoes jokes gave me life.
Get off my tits ? it is THE missing breastfeeding slogan ?
You are awesome! Every word , so true.
How things have changed My baby is 34, but i still remember the embarrassment i felt when asked to leave my coffee and the cafe i was in – because i was breast-feeding. NO-body talked about it and you always had to hide when out so no-one saw you.
Thank Goodness the talk is out there now, in a few years no1 will give it another thought 😉
PS. excellent story too Emily!
I love your rant! It is so much my story as well. 36 years ago I was still breast feeding my hyper allergic son at 15 months old. His diet consisted of mum -milk , and veg and fruit. He was massive! Looked like a 2 year old and would fight inside my top to get his milk. But it was the constant judgments, from strangers, acquaintances, friends, but worse, from family which wore me down from the time he was 4 months old. I ended up with post natal depression and I think the wee plunket nurse was my life saver. She was a tiny elderly single lady who just loved babies and children. Long after home visits ended she would drop in every week to make sure I was coping.
Eventually at 18 month he just suddenly weaned himself and we saw that as an indication he might be able to tolerate other protein . We introduced goats milk and some fish and a tiny bit of meat juices. At 18 months we were feeding like a 9 month old. but he kept on growing! He’s a lovely man now, a lovely dad and I don’t regret all the times I told people to fuck the hell up when they were having a go!
This is your baby, your life, and you will only get this time with your little baby once. Enjoy!
I’m amazed more people don’t lose limbs giving unsolicited “advice” to sleep deprived mothers. I feel very lucky to have had all of my kids go through babyhood while we were living in a traditional, rural area. Nobody batted an eyelid there when I nursed my boys, however old they were and wherever I did it. Everyone in the village had seen my breasts at some stage. Nobody gave any indication of being bothered. It was only when I travelled into the city that I would get the occasional comment from random people – and usually it was once my kids were well past being one so it was extended breastfeeding that seemed to needle people (still not their concern or business, still a pile of crap) and I always gave them short shrift.
I absolutEly love this!
I’m still breastfeeding my 20 month old trying to ween but she has other ideas.
I get told she’s too old all the time but I been told that since she got her 1st teeth at 12 weeks.
How would I have known what is like to have the 101 positions involved in breastfeeding a toddler?
I love this, it made me laugh and its so true, we are all doing our best and what works for us and sometimes that’s not for everyone but isn’t versatility what makes life interesting and great?
I formula fed my first and am breastfeeding my second, both times I have made the decision that was right for me/us at the time.
Love your blog it always brings a smile to my face and makes the countless night time feeds past quicker (neither of my children have ever been great sleepers I don’t think formula equals sleep!)
Amen.
My HUGE BOUNCEY 10-month’s favourite place to breastfeed is the NYC subway. Not kidding. We get on and he starts banging on my chest asking for milk. And we do a LONG commute to work.
Actually had a good experience the other day when a creepy guy tried to stand in just the right spot so as to cop a look at my nipple when baby popped on and off and the four women sitting nearest me started hassling him: calling him a pervert and threatening to put his photo online until he got off the train. I wanted to kiss all of them.
Well said. I 100% agree. But because I too am sick of the whole “yes she’s breastfed still and no actually I have a massive problem with people making formula-feeding parents feel bad but this is my choice too and actually it has very little to do with how she’s sleeping but since you asked…” conversation/debate, I will instead say….
Is that the Love to Sleep (BAHAHAHAHAHA) zip-up swaddle thing that Ham is wearing? Does it help? Is he wearing some amber beads around his ankle underneath? 😉
Whenever I get stupid comments about my huge, healthy, strong baby’s size or breastfeeding, I think of our pediatrician who tells me “your milk is perfect for him” after staring incredulously at the scales every time we see him. I love him for saying that and for supporting my choice when it comes to how I feed my child.
You get judgement like this SO MUCH in Chinese circles. Especially as we have so many traditional beliefs on how to raise a child, so many social expectations to meet, and there are way too many people who have nothing better to do than to give you as much of their knowledge as they can. It’s mostly in good will of course, but hearing the same advice (especially one you don’t believe in) for the 50th time would be darn annoying.
(I’m not a mom btw, but I still hear heaps of comments like these in all aspects of life. Child-rearing is one of the worst, and I know I’ve probably unfortunately succumbed to giving one or two opinions in my life already)
None of her business. Actually it sounds like she was trying to justify her own choice to bottle-feed by belittling yours. When it comes down to it you do what you choose to do. You could have pulled out all the stats about why breast is better but you’re obviously not a jerk.
Emergency response for unwanted opinions: pop bubba off breast, squeeze – and spray!
So well said. I have found older women quite harsh on breastfeeding Mamas. My son was born 10 pound 14 oz so was big from the start – I fed him until he was 2 and a quarter yrs. Sometimes I could see people’s eyes bulging at the pair of us breastfeeding in public but I was doing what was right for my child.
It is the child’s right to have the highest attainable standard of health and breastfeeding is one to achieve that so all power to you and all breastfeeding Mamas!
My *husband* and I had a massive argument about breastfeeding last night (OK, maybe not massive as an absolute, but we hadn’t really argued at all for about a year, and I was tired, and today was my first day back at work post-maternity leave)… Apparently, my decision to breastfeed still is why our 12.5 month old daughter doesn’t sleep better. Everybody says I’m breastfeeding too much. I’m making life difficult for myself needlessly… We were of course having this argument while the baby tried to decide if she wanted to latch on properly and feed to sleep, or play with her daddy and watch the football with him…
Honestly, I never expected to be feeding an average of 8 times in each 24 hour period still at this stage (it is half what she was doing at the start of August…). I had assumed that by the time she’d eat three square meals (and sometimes snacks), she’d be down to somewhere between 1 and 3 feeds, depending on how she slept and whether she really wanted a morning one. We do sometimes go over 12 hours between feeds daytime, and some days she skips the nap (and often doesn’t have it until after 4 pm, and will also nap in the car or buggy, although on-boob is her preferred option), so leaving her with somebody who has a mutual adoration thing going on with her (her dad) was something I was pretty certain she could handle. It’s night time she tends to want milk. When she’s not properly awake. So no, I don’t think I ‘should be feeding her something else instead’!
She seemed knackered when they came to meet me – but was happy to be taken into my office so I could show her off, and was generally rather charming… She’s an extroverted little thing! She slept for 15 mins of the way home, grouched a bit after I woke her up (it was dark, it was getting cold… She wasn’t wearing socks or a jacket (a thin knitted sweater-dress which, being 0-3 months, is now 3/4-sleeved and long top length over a long-sleeved top and leggings so not too bad), I wanted to get her in the house), and wasn’t her normal happy self… had a long milk-feed which recharged her batteries, ate a decent supper an hour after, and is now happily playing.
And maybe, if the husband comes to realise that the reason she generally sleeps in quite happily for 3 hours longer than she did today is because she half-wakes looking for milk and when I oblige she snuggles back down without fully waking, he’ll realise how stupid his comments were. I’m also hoping that getting loads more daddy time will mean she won’t try to wake up to get some time with him when he finishes work and comes home (was around 23:30-00:00 but he’ll be finishing later as he’ll now need to do the stuff he was doing in the morning before he finishes instead), which means she’ll sleep deeper and I’ll be able to get more sleep. (I’m not saying I’d put money on this happening – but I can hope!)
Another fantastic post. Well said!
love it. you write so well. thanks for standing up for women and mums everywhere in your awesome blog.
Interestingly the WHO advises exclusive breastfeeding up to 6 months, but ongoing breastfeeding to 2 years. Many of the too old to breastfeed comments relate to babies far shy of the 2 year mark.
Well written piece 🙂 #getoffmytits
I love you! Seriously, how have I only just heard about your blog? I also had plenty of comments like this when I was feeding my happy, fat little baby boys. Hugs 🙂
I used to think that I would never breastfeed until two. WHO recommendations be darned, that was TOO OLD for me to nurse. Thankfully I never told others that they were too old or big or whatever, so hopefully I don’t get bit by karma on that one.
Now? I’m pregnant with my first and my husband and I are having these conversations again. And I just don’t know! Breastmilk only for 6ish months (or until baby shows a dedicated interest in our food) is the plan. Then bits of what we eat and breast milk supplement. When will the nursing stop? I dunno! For all I know, we won’t actually be able to breastfeed.
So, my plan is to stick with “get off my tits.” And if that doesn’t work, spray milk at them like The Mindy Project.
The feeling you get when this happens must be very much like the “When are you planning to start a family?” comments I used to get, closely followed by the “You’ll change your mind” (I didn’t) or the “That’s a bit selfish, isn’t it?” I wish everyone would leave each others’ tits AND wombs alone 😉 Good for you for tackling the controversy.
I do NOT understand why people think those questions are appropriate. From my best friend? Sure. Pretty much everyone else? No!
Also, I’m assuming that you chose not to have children – and I can’t even begin to see how that is selfish. And if I guess wrong and you chose to have children – that’s not selfish either! Jeepers. Your body, your life, your choice.
Like, I literally think it’s the most awesome thing ever when mothers are able to successfully and happily breastfeed their babies. Because I did okay with my first, but I failed miserably with my second and I still hurt over how shit that feels. So fuck what any other ignorant idiot has to say about it: YOU ROCK. And ladies who can’t/don’t want to breastfeed: YOU ROCK TOO. You made a human. Who gives a fuck how you feed it?
So therapeutic to read.
I wanted to breastfeed desperately and failed.
And I really thought it’s only the formula “you’re poisoning your child with chemicals instead of mummy’s milk” mothers that got all the commentary!
Mothers can’t win!