• It will be a cold day in hell before I diss anything Dwayne The Rock Johnson does.
• The slogan for Central Intelligence is “Saving the world takes a little Hart and a big Johnson” and for that alone I was going to give this movie 10/10.

It was only on my second review ever that I was reminded that I’m meant to score films out of ten. This weighed heavily on my mind as I sat in the cinema for Central Intelligence.

Central Intelligence stars 24-7 Wonderful Human Dwayne The Rock Johnson, and therefore I support its existence. But if I’m going to be a serious reviewer I have to delve deeper right? So here was my thinking as it happened:

First ten minutes of the film: Hmmm, this is not looking promising…maybe five out of ten.

Like, 40 minutes into the film: This is so dumb and funny and enjoyable and nonsensical, and actually Kevin Hart – who I am not familiar with at all – is quite adorable. Okay, like six out of ten.

Did he just have a fight with a motorbike? Amazing.

Okay he fought someone with a banana. Seven out of ten.

Dwayne The Rock Johnson in a suit. Ten out of ten.

Naked Dwayne The Rock Johnson? One million out of ten.

Dwayne The Rock Johnson and Melissa McCarthy? Eighty million out of ten.

The plot is incidental when you have Dwayne The Rock Johnson wearing a unicorn t-shirt and holding Kevin Hart like a baby.

In Central Intelligence he plays Bob Stone – a guy who was fat and bullied in high school who loves Sixteen Candles, fanny packs, and doing the right thing – but who also might be a CIA agent-turned-murderer and state-secrets seller. I don’t know, the plot is incidental when you have Dwayne The Rock Johnson wearing a unicorn t-shirt and another scene has him holding Kevin Hart like a baby.

Of all the Dwayne The Rock Johnson films I have seen – and trust me I have seen all of the Dwayne The Rock Johnson films – this is the film that most closely aligns with how I imagine Dwayne The Rock Johnson is in real life.

I mean other than shooting people, Stone is just a sweet guy who wants to make people happy. This is exactly how I imagine Dwayne The Rock Johnson is – he just wants to make us all happy. He’s not so much an actor (though I believe he is a great actor) as he is a giver of delight and joy and wonder.

If, out of the entire human race, we have one golden, shining example of all that is good in humanity, it is Dwayne The Rock Johnson. He is, quite simply, everything that is good in the world rolled into one muscly and perfectly chiseled package.

Sometimes, when I’m having a bad day, I just think about the fact that Dwayne The Rock Johnson exists and I feel able to carry on.

Sometimes, when I’m having a bad day, I just have to think about the fact that Dwayne The Rock Johnson exists and I feel glad. I feel able to carry on.

It’s not just the muscles. Though they do help. It’s that smile. And his general Dwayne The Rock Johnson-ness. He is simply delightful. Everything about him. He’s your unproblematic fave. There’s nothing repellent about Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

I imagine being married to him sometimes. He would always fix things and lift heavy stuff in the house and he’d never get tired of lifting heavy stuff because that’s his job. He would sing with his eyes closed and make me dance around the kitchen with him and I’d be like OH my gosh, stop it Dwayne The Rock Johnson. And he’d say – Emily, my wife, we have been married seven years – please just call me Dwayne.

And I would say “pick up this heavy thing Dwayne The Rock Johnson” and he would.

He is a motivational speech of a human being. He just makes you feel good.

He is joy personified.

There’s a scene in Central Intelligence where he calls out another muscly dude for homophobia. And then he punches him the face. And throws someone across the room.

And he says “I hate bullies”.

This is the Dwayne The Rock Johnson that I love. And that, I am convinced, is the REAL Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

The REAL Dwayne The Rock Johnson is a good dad and a good husband which makes it hard for me to sexually objectify him (but I give it a good honest attempt don’t you worry).

The final 20 minutes of the movie, and the bloopers that follow, also make it worth seeing if you’re a Dwayne The Rock Johnson fan, and I mean who isn’t?

It did make me think though that there should be a movie of just Dwayne The Rock Johnson smiling and waving and playing with puppies and rescuing kittens and stuff, and just like stirring pasta wearing only an apron. If you would like to make this movie I have some other ideas…