Posted on November 10, 2015
Apparently lists are popular these days
I was told that I should be writing lists because nobody these days reads anything long-form. Pffft. I just don’t believe that. But I thought I’d have a go of it anyway…
Top 5 lies I’ve told my toddler
- Let it Go stops working if you play it more than three times in a row
- You’ll make Fireman Sam upset, he will quit his job, and a Welsh town will go up in flames
- If he hits his brother the emu at the zoo will know about it
- The Wellington City Council has cameras in our house and if he doesn’t eat his food/pick up his toys they will recall all diggers.
- Elmo died
Top five bribes I have used in order to get my toddler to eat dinner
- I will give you $8000 if you eat one chicken nugget
- I’ll get pregnant and give you a sister if you eat just that bit there.
- If you eat the rest of your dinner you can listen to the Top Twins singing She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain for eternity.
- You get to watch a Peppa Pig episode if you eat your bacon, or Peppa Pig will be on the plate. Your choice.
- Your father will leave me for Elsa if you eat at least the cheese. Just the cheese.
Things my son has asked a face painter to paint him as:
- Bunnings Warehouse
- A belly button
- A cloud
- All five members of Hi-Five
- A leaf blower
Prayers I have said at 3am to get the baby to sleep
- I promise I will never think impure thoughts while looking at pictures of beedfcakes/John Campbell/Mike McRoberts (what? You’ve thought about it) ever again
- I’m sorry if this is payback for the time I blasted Slayer every Sunday during the next door church’s service but really, what were you thinking letting me live next door to a church at 19?
- I will literally buy a tamborine right now if I’m talking to the God with the followers who all have tambourines.
- I will set that Dorkins guy on fire if you want, actually I could just do that anyway.
- I will devote my life to any God and…oh never mind he’s asleep now.
Top five ways I drive my husband crazy
- I don’t watch TV shows and then the whole way through episodes I say “who is that?” “Why is she doing that?” “Is that the bad guy?”
- I always pretend I suddenly need to go to the toilet when he’s home and the baby needs to be fed solids. Then I just sit in the bathroom and check Facebook.
- I tell him the vacuum is broken all the time, it’s never broken.
- I pick the movie for us to watch but then I talk to people on Twitter on my phone the whole way through it and then ask if it was any good at the end.
Top five things to do when your child has a tantrum in the supermarket
- Pretend they’re someone else’s kid
- Openly cry and eat chocolate on the floor of the supermarket
- Loudly say that kids these days are out of control and you blame the parents
- Leave without your child
- Join in
Top five future blog posts I could write to make this blog more “aspirational”
- Post-partum maternity leggings ten different ways
- Haven’t brushed your hair in six months? The One Dread Style that is taking the Mum-World by storm!
- #nofilter How you can make your selfies look a little less like you’ve given up all hope that you’ll ever sleep again
- 15 sex tips for mums who want their partners to violently die in a fire for not getting up to the baby when they said they would
- You’re hired! Oops I mean your career has been irreparably damaged by having children congratulations.
Top five fantasies
- Naked Dwayne The Rock Johnson hanging out the washing while the children stay at Nanna’s
- Naked Idris Elba cooking me those chocolate mini cheesecake things (but with an apron on so he doesn’t rub his bits against my stove) while the children stay at Nanna’s
- Clothed Tom Hardy manages to get The Ham to sleep without a swaddle. Then The Ham goes to stay at Nanna’s.
- Naked Charlie Hunnam cleans out and sorts under the stairs then comes back upstairs and wipes benches. Properly folds fitted sheet. Kids are at Nanna’s.
- Both kids stay at Nanna’s and I sleep all night.
Top five best things about being a mum
- That face they get when they wake up from a nap and see you there – like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them.
- When they can’t say words – like “a lala” for “another”.
- Hearing them say out of the blue that they love you.
- Seeing the love they have for the people you love, and seeing how much the people you love love them!
- Watching them dance with their eyes closed, and when they catch you watching they just smile and say “come dancing!”
Your turn!
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I am volunteering to paint faces for kids next month, and now wondering if I should start practicing my belly button painting style.
My top five things about this blog:
1. Every story about Eddie/the Ham
2. Eddie’s fashion and style
3. The loud snort-laughs generated by Emily’s writing
4. How I can relate and feel part of the community “even though” I’m not a mum myself.
5. How much I appreciate my sleep on behalf of parents who don’t get enough
x
What a lovely comment Anthea ❤️ Thank you so much X I should have made a Top 5 Eddie outfits list! ?
I can’t stop laughing at the face painting requests – especially picturing the person’s face, like “did this kid just ask to be painted as a belly button?” And then imagining how they responded, “Ummm, not sure about a belly button, buddy, how about a tiger instead?”
? yep, he wants to get his face painted every week and I can see the look on the face painters’ face when they see Eddie like “oh shit it’s the Bunnings kid”. His fallback is a flamingo ???
Top 5 things about parenting
1. I now live with a human who will put her heads under the covers, fart, laugh uproariously and go ‘IT’S SO STINKY’ and then fart again. and leave her head under there. It’s the best comedy I’ve ever seen.
2. The way she tells me, everytime she sees Daddy naked, that he has a ‘peanut’
3. Mum friends. All the bleary eyed half-muttering cuddly catch ups with coffee and inappropriate jokes and the fact company makes Te Papa for the millionth time not boring, and people to chat to in the middle of the night wakings on facebook and the love and support and total acceptance I get from my mum friends.
4. Having a kid has made me realise I AM a functioning adult (mostly) and I actually can take care of myself and another, and face challenges and cope coz sometimes it’s the only option to just wash the shit off everyone, make dinner, and sing the Elmo Song yet again.
5. My crush on Elsa. I swear she’s queer. She’s a powerful ice queen witch. She don’t need no man! She’s got absolutely glorious hairdos.
I really, really enjoyed that list, Rachael!
And the face-painting ones and the best mum things ones, Emily. I don’t know if I can think of any that are better than that. I’m too braindead from working fulltime, having a 7 month old and having a food-poisoned husband…
Still laughing about the emu:).
I think the face painters should take on the challenge!! Tigers, cats & fairies are BORING, lets be a belly button!!!! Your kids is possibly one of the most amazing kids ever 🙂
I know this is old but I’ve just found you on Facebook and I love how you write so thought I would read back through your blog. So here’s my list:
1. I love you! Like I actually think you would be the best mummy friend to have. I could be me and not worry FILTER!
2. Tonight I have learnt that my boy is exactly 5 days older than yours. My boy is the coolest kid and I’m so proud to be his mum and I can’t believe I get the privilege of being his mum. And like you said in one of your other posts, I feel like when I’m out people should just KNOW that I’m a mum and I’ve got this awesome kid and no matter my failings, he is not one of them.
3. I’m gutted to read what your boy has been through. Wow māmā, that must have been so tough for him and you and your husband and your whole circle. I really hope the worst is passed, I can’t imagine going through that with my boy.
4. I love that there is always a smattering (not a lot of demand for the word smattering these days, glad to find a use!) of te reo in your words. We are trying to learn it to teach our boy. We have bits and pieces and it’s lovely to see it flow naturally in with english.
5. I’m going to be honest, I don’t have a 5. That’s all I’ve got. Maybe this can be thank you for being you.
Jo
Eeee! Thank you so much for your comment Jo! You’ve made my day. Thank you ❤️ 1/ you would definitely not have to worry about that because I have no filter ? 2/ oh we should have a play date! I love everything you’ve said, I love hearing mamas talk about their kids! 3/ thank you for your kind thoughts, it’s been rough but he’s made it through we are incredibly lucky. 4/ Ka rawe! My kids are Ngāti Mutunga Rēkohu. We try to speak as much reo around them as we can. Theres some awesome resources I use at https://www.facebook.com/heireowhanau you should like them on FB. My kaiako founded Hei Reo Whānau, she’s amazing. 5/ thank YOU!! Thanks for taking time out to be so nice to me!! ❤️❤️