Hello

I’m Emily.

I write a newsletter now instead of writing here! You can sign up for my Emily Writes Weekly below. Thanks so much for your support!!

And you can buy my books Rants in the Dark, Is it Bedtime Yet?, and Needs Adult Supervision.

And if you want to book me that would be real nice and you can email me at emilywritesnz at gmail dot com.

And if you want to buy me a coffee you can do that here. Thank you for your support.

Here are some of my posts people seem to like the most:

How to Get Your Baby To Sleep

I am grateful, now fuck off.

I saw Tarzan and this is my review after some wines

Inside the secret world of co-sleepers

How to give birth – the definitive guide

Why are we rejoicing in the punishment of children?

An honest living

My baby slept through the night six times so now I’m an expert on getting your kid to do that

Ward One

The Just Fucking Doing It Tour

Rebecca Keil and I are coming to your city! Tickets are on sale Wednesday 5 May at Midday HERE for all cities except Auckland and Invercargill. Buy Auckland tickets here. Invercargill tickets are here. There are no door sales, once we sell out that’s it!

It’s time to treat yourself! Have a night off with your girls and laugh till you cry with Rebecca Keil and Emily Writes. Both are exhausted mums who planned a tour to get away from their kids and both are a bit wild, and both want you to have the night of your life! 

Rebecca and Emily met years ago and have been mates ever since. This is their first tour together and they want to make the regions laugh and cry and feel amazing. If you’ve ever felt like parenting is the best and worst thing that you ever did? This night is for you. If you secretly suck up LEGO pieces by vacuum and tell your kids the park is closed when it’s raining – then this is the night for you! We’ll answer your questions on all sorts of stuff – parenting, sleep, sex, surrogacy, feminism, activism, Hollywood Hunks and body stuff! 

The night isn’t just for mums. It’s for anyone who loves the kaupapa – We are just fucking doing it!

Come for the solidarity and the shared joy and we’ll donate a portion of ticket sales to a local charity.

All shows begin at 7.30pm, have a 15 minute intermission, and end at 9.30pm.

Whangārei 17 May at The Butter Factory 8 Butter Factory Lane, Whangārei supporting Kind Hands Respite Care SOLD OUT

Tāmaki Makaurau Auckland 18 May at the Tuning Fork 42-80 Mahuhu Crescent, Auckland CBD supporting North West Toy Library SOLD OUT

Kirikiriroa Hamilton 19 May at The Cook 7 Cook Street, Hamilton East, supporting Heart Kids Waikato SOLD OUT

Tauranga 20 May at Our Place 91 Willow Street, Tauranga supporting Kura kai SOLD OUT

New Plymouth 21 May at Novotel New Plymouth supporting Diabetes Youth Taranaki SOLD OUT

Palmerston North 22 May The Royal Hotel Bar  44 Rangitikei Street, Palmerston North supporting Whangai Ora Milk Bank SOLD OUT

Napier 23 May at The Cabana Bar 11 Shakespeare Road, Bluff Hill, Napier supporting Te Tipu Whenua o Pa Harakeke SOLD OUT

Ōtautahi Christchurch 26 May at Welles Street supporting the Brackenridge respite programme SOLD OUT

Blenheim 27 May at the Woodbourne Tavern 80 High Street, Renwick supporting the Malborough Multicultural Centre SOLD OUT

Nelson 28 May at Harvest Kitchen 168 Redwood Road, Appleby supporting Nelson District Parents Centre SOLD OUT

Wairarapa 1 June at The Garrison Cafe and Bar 57 Fox Street, Featherston supporting Wairarapa Winter Jackets SOLD OUT

Pōneke Wellington 2 June at Meow 9 Edward Street, Te Aro supporting Little Shadow SOLD OUT

Timaru 3 June at Sail Bar 51 Sophia Street supporting Timaru Parents Centre SOLD OUT

Ōtepoti Dunedin 4 June at Petridish 8 Stafford Street supporting Mornington Toy Library SOLD OUT

Invercargill 5 June at ITL Stadium 18 Surrey Park Road supporting Makarewa Playcentre SOLD OUT

Wānaka 6 June at Edgewater Wanaka 54 Sargood Drive supporting Wanaka Pre-School SOLD OUT

Kurow 7 June at The Kurow Hotel Pub 55 Bledisloe Street in support of Kurow Women. SOLD OUT

Dunedin 19 June at Petridish 8 Stafford Street

Auckland 20 June at the Tuning Fork 42-80 Mahuhu Crescent, Auckland CBD supporting Talk Peach

Wellington 23 June at Meow 9 Edward Street supporting Diabetes Youth Wellington SOLD OUT

Get your tickets now! No door sales!

Hobbs and Shaw: A review

It’s been a busy week so this is late. I saw Hobbs and Shaw featuring the holy trinity Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Idris Elba, and Jason Statham the day it came out obviously.

I am of the view that the Fast and the Furious franchise is the eighth wonder of the world. Every new addition is better than the last.

This is the best because of the hot muscled tripod of acting glory that is Johnson, Elba, Statham.

Let me be clear that the film is perfect. These are but minor tweaks. I adored the film as I knew I would. It is exactly what I signed up for and it absolutely met my needs in a big ol’ way.

But some feedback if I could?

When it’s raining and our boys are fighting – I really think it would have worked if they just dropped their weapons and kissed? And then maybe Jason Statham could try to push Dwayne The Rock Johnson into a wall to like pash more, and then Dwayne The Rock Johnson could push him back and pash more. And it could be like this fighting but pashing thing and it could be raining harder you know?

And Idris Elba could be like what is happening but also he could be like wow this is beautiful. And also he could be like wow this is hot as.

And then he could come up and be like I don’t want to fight anymore and then they could find a DOC hut and light a fire and be like this is crazy we all love cars why are we fighting? And then they could crack out some of Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s tequila. And then they could all laugh like look at us! We are sitting here in wet clothes! How silly.

And then they’d like nervously joke as they stripped off like “bro do you work out?” And they’d laugh because they all work out. But the air would become heavy with desire. Their movements would slow. From somewhere music would start playing like idk Portishead like some real sexual awakening stuff you know?

What’s your favourite car Dwayne The Rock Johnson could say as he gently removes an eyelash from Jason Statham’s bald head.

Where’d you get your cool helmet Idris Elba could whisper, his voice catching in his throat, as his eyes linger on Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s enormous calves.

And then they could bang.

Just an idea.

578/10 stars imo.

Tiny reviews

So, here are some tiny reviews for you. I’ve been hermiting. Watching a lot of TV while travelling. Doing things like saying “yeah I might come out after the play” when really I have no intention of going anywhere.

I did go out after the last night of the play with Renee and LJ and we went to a bar full of young people and it was the first time I realised that to young people I am old. This drunk young guy came up to us and said it was great to see mature ladies out at night. So close to retirement and/or imminent death it was inspiring to him. I think it was LJ who made a joke about us using our gold cards to get there and he told us we didn’t need old cards yet.

Renee and I stood at the bar for what felt like 300 hours while they ignored us and served shots to beautiful children – finally we ordered pizza and very respectable cider. Old, old, old. In my day we didn’t have shots in bars, we were respectful of our elders, and we had long meaningful conversations about whether it was true that acid absorbs better if you stick it up your butt. The good old days. Ok let’s go!

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I saw the new Alexander Skarsgard movie not the one where he’s bald the one where he’s so hot I want to REDACTED SO I DON’T GET BANNED FROM FACEBOOK

Long day so I knew I needed to see the new Alexander Skarsgard movie with my girl Gem. Aftermath is a tale of grief, loss, family, war – other stuff.

But really, you spend most of the movie asking: What guy on this PLANET is stupid enough to think he can have ALEXANDER SKARSGARD living in his God DAMN attic and think his wife is not going to fuck Alexander Skarsgard immediately.

Your wife is going to fuck Alexander Skarsgard.

Look at that picture! She is looking at him like she knows she will ride his dick into the sunset.

Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married. Look, it could be that you just got married and you came inside just to get changed before the reception – if Alexander Skarsgard is in your attic: I’m sorry, but your wife is going to fuck him.

This is science.

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A few film reviews

Films I have seen (was meant to be dispatches as well but FUCK WORDPRESS).

On The Basis Of Sex: It seems quite anti-feminist to point out that Armie Hammer is so aggressively attractive in this film that I actually squirmed in my seat in an extremely public manner.  But here I am. Because absolutely without control of my senses while watching this film I said out loud: Fucking Hell when he was shown wearing sunglasses? I mean Ruth Bader Ginsberg is a badass and thank goodness for feminism. But also, if you’re going to cast someone to offensively hot – well, you know what you’re doing don’t you. 15 stars out of a possible 16 stars. Would have given one more star if my husband agreed to wear silk Pyjamas but instead he just looked at me and said “Are you high?” It’s a very good film though. Way less grim than you’d think it would be.

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Rediscovering hornbag movies from 2003

So, the other day I read some article about In The Cut and how Meg Ryan had lost her career after being in that film because we live in a misogynist horror show of which we can never escape.

Anyway – I thought to myself – I am sure I’ve seen that film. And then I read that it had The Ruff AKA Mark “Daddy” Ruffalo in it. And I thought – YES I remember this! It came out in 2003 and I remember, because I was an idiot, that I did not find Mark Ruffalo attractive and I thought he was hairy and I did not appreciate his moustache.

Now I am 33 and it’s 2019 and I’m the rosé drinking cliché wine mum watching dirty Netflix films on her phone while her kid snores beside her and her husband sleeps awkwardly in a bunk bed in the other room. And I am all about his hairy chest and commitment to eating out (both kinds) and I love that soft boi dad body.

So I decided I had to revisit In The Cut and let me tell you ladies who like dudes and the occasional gay guy who reads my posts: It was WORTH IT.

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Some one sentence reviews because I’m lazy

Well, I have woken up with a summer cold and my husband has taken the kids out because he’s the best. So I thought I’d review some things. I am not doing a best of 2018 because I can barely remember what happened yesterday let alone last year.

Widows

So good. I can’t remember if I reviewed this or not but I really, really liked it.

The Grinch

It’s my fave Dr Seuss story so you know – I loved it. Kids watched it twice. Such a good Christmas movie.

Green Book

Cannot believe Viggo Mortensen is not actually Italian.

Baldersnatch

I can barely make decisions in my own life and you want me to make decisions in someone else’s life? No thanks. But it did lead to some interesting conversations with my husband – he is quite sure robots will be taking over the world soon.

Bird Box

A+ arms on new crush Trevante Rhodes.

This potato salad I made when I was too lazy to make proper potato salad

It’s just pepper and sour cream and potatoes and pickles and I’m telling you it’s good. I don’t know if it qualifies as a salad or just a general life failure but I am into it.

The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell

I don’t know what this show is about but it’s extremely relaxing to watch. It’s like if lorazepam was a TV show for old tired goth soccer mums AKA me.

The Fall

Very late to the party on this one but just started watching it and though I am a fan of Jamie Dornan I don’t know how anyone even notices him with the reason why every woman is gay Gillian Anderson. And this show is a commentary on toxic masculinity, entitlement, and male violence right? Yes?

You

God I hate myself for watching this garbage.

The Truth About The Harry Quebert Affair

Only lasted half an episode because male writers talking about writing is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Leave No Trace

This has a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes which means everyone thinks it’s good but I thought it was boring. Remember that old website Rotten? We used to all sit around a computer when I was a teenager and look it up then force each other to look at the pictures. I wonder if it still exists. Too scared to look. Bleurgh.

Tidelands

I don’t know what’s happening but everyone is hot.

The Bodyguard

He can call me M’am any time he likes.

The Favourite

Fantastic. Loved it.

My sunburn because I forgot to put sunscreen on

Terrible. Minus 150 stars. Now have a post-it note by the door that says “remember sunscreen on your back”.

 

 

 

 

Aquaman: A review

Sometimes there are acts of bravery, acts of great courage, that change the course of the world as we know it, or at least the course of a Boxing Day Wednesday.

We honour these people in many ways – maybe they win a Nobel Peace Prize or are named in the Queen’s Honours. We tell stories about them to future generations. We may take a moment, on a rainy day, to consider their contribution to humanity. They inspire us in all that we do.

Kym Barrett born 11 August 1965 is one such person. I would like to tell you why.

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