Posted on February 26, 2015
I am grateful, now fuck off.
It was some time between midnight and 3am. I was dead asleep. I’d fed the littliest at midnight so it was after that, and it was before he woke up for a feed at 3am. This hardly matters, because that time of night is Hell unless you’re pashing, happy drunk, smoking in a bar, dancing, or on drugs – y’know, generally having a fulfilling life that doesn’t involve milk dripping out of your breasts or playing the fart or shit game.
So, I’m asleep and I feel this tiny hand on my face and then there’s a kiss on my forehead. And for a second I’m confused like – did the tiny one do that? He’s only four-weeks-old? Is he a mutant? That would be amazing.
And then I realise it’s my big baby and I pull him into my arms while still asleep and think “oh he’s delicious”. But then he elbows me in the tit and says “JAY JUNGLE MAMA” and I’m like “ughhh fuck you’re not delicious at all. What is that smell?” And I tell him to be quiet and I cuddle him and he says “NO JAY JUNGLE” and he climbs onto my chest and it hurts so bad because my boobs are about to explode. And then I cuddle/smother him and spend the next 40 minutes or so (who knows how long it was – it felt like days) getting him to sleep. And then I got him to sleep and I got up and I went to the bathroom and I came back to this:
And I was like “FUCK THIS SHIT IT’S MY BED. WHY ARE YOU EVEN UPSIDE DOWN? WHY CAN’T I HAVE ONE SPACE THAT IS MY OWN? WHY ARE YOU ALMOST THREE AND YOU SLEEP WORSE THAN A NEWBORN? WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY ROOM FOR ME??”.
And even though this was an internal scream the little one woke up angrily demanding a feed. While feeding on the floor I took a photo and I put it on Facebook and Twitter. And on Twitter I said ‘sigh’ because the parents on Twitter get it. And on Facebook I did a slightly longer comment because I was trying to be a bit light hearted because…well, we will get there…
So, I said “How come it’s my bed and there’s never room for me in it?” Which you’ll note is not “FUCK THIS SHIT…” It was meant to be funny, a way for me to be like “see?” without being like “OMG KILL ME SEE?” And then I got this message, which I fucking always do, from a friend’s mum. It said: “Be grateful for your boys. They will be adults before you know it and they won’t want to sleep with you. You should enjoy this time”. And I was like OK, I hope I’m never so unstable that when my sons are in their 20s I want them sleeping with me. But aside from that – CAN YOU NOT?
I know the first thing I’m going to be told is “people are just trying to be nice! They’re trying to comfort you”. Yeah, yeah, it’s hard to be charitable when you’ve had two hours sleep. Here’s the deal – trying to be helpful or not – it isn’t. It isn’t helpful. It’s condescending, patronising, and it’s actually (without being melodramatic but maybe a bit melodramatic) it’s dangerous.
Constantly telling parents – Be grateful! Be grateful! One day they won’t be shitting on you! And you’ll be like “omg, I long for the days when I was covered in sour milk and diarrhoea!” So – be grateful! You might be so exhausted that you’re crying on the toilet but these are the best days of your life SO BE GRATEFUL – leads to those parents shutting down and never sharing how they truly feel. It leads to parents not having support networks. It leads to parents walking into parenthood without any idea of how hard some moments, some days, can be. It leads to such unfair expectations on parents – enjoy every minute or you’re a fucking monster. It leads to feeling like you’re doing it all wrong.
I am so grateful for my kids. I can’t even put into words how grateful I am. So I don’t need you to tell me to be grateful. I am. Guess what – I can be so grateful and so tired. I can be so grateful and so fucking over it. I can be so grateful and also imagine not having kids and just pashing and dancing and drinking bourbons till I puke.
These comments always come from people with grown kids. And I get it. Maybe? I mean when the boys are in their 20s I might be wishing they still lived with me and needed me 24-7. I mean, I kind of hope in my late 50s I’m acting like I was in my early 20s – boning their dad, drinking bourbons, going to gigs, spending all my money on band tee shirts and fast food. But I digress – I get it kind of. Your kids are grown, you miss them, you see parents at the beginning of their parenting journey and it makes you nostalgic. I get that there’s no malicious intent.
But just again – can you not. Because when I make a heavily sanitised comment about not sleeping and you make a comment about being grateful, it implies I’m not grateful. And in my sleep deprived state it makes me feel like an asshole.
And this might seem like an overreaction to a comment, but I (and other parents) get it All. The. Time. The other week I said: “Just as one little bogan falls asleep, another little bogan wakes up. They’re like a tag team” and I got one comment and three messages with the “one day you’ll miss it/be grateful” message. I get it about once a week. And the more I get it the more I feel like I can’t talk about the hard parts of parenting, or the things I’m struggling with. Because I don’t want to appear ungrateful for my awesome kids, even the one that hates sleeping. And you see how that’s a problem right? So, here are some things you can say instead of be grateful:
- I don’t remember how hard it was never sleeping because I’m retired and I sleep until 10 now and I spend all day playing Candy Crush. SO I’m just going to shut the fuck up. (Might be too specific).
- That sounds tough, want me to drop you over something with chocolate in it?
- You don’t look tired at all. You look like a glam actress who only eats paleo stuff and drinks grass smoothies.
- I heard kids who don’t sleep are smarter than kids who do.
- Parenting is really hard sometimes. It’s ok to find it hard sometimes.
xB
Update: wow! I’m really overwhelmed by the response to this post. Thank you so much for all of your comments. I wish I could reply to every one – but I’m typing one handed because cluster bloody fucking feeding. But thank you – I feel less alone and I hope you do too. Also, I love the idea of #iamgrateful!
***
If you liked this, follow me on Facebook for more of the same. I’m on Instagram too! If you really liked this or any of my other posts and you want to support me you could put my name forward for events or get people to commission me for writing or you could make a one off donation or support me through my Patreon account. If you’ve supported me by sharing one of my posts, making a comment, or making a donation – I can’t ever thank you enough. Ngā mihi nui. E x
I didn’t sleep, and I’m clearly I’m a genius now ha ha ha. Being a parent sounds v.hard, and whilst you prob will look back wistfully when they’re older, what good is saying that when you’re in the trenches of it now? I would think any normal person would know parents are sometimes (maybe often) like fuck this shit.
Ahahaha my husband said to me just the other day “have you noticed you say fuck this shit more now we have a baby?” Hahaha!
Never cursed until I had kids. Now I make sailors sound like angels.
Omg right?! I can’t believe some of the shit that comes out of my mouth sometimes ?
So much yes to this! I know I’m damn lucky to be able to conceive and give birth to a healthy child but sometimes it’s really fucking hard. Maybe next time you see a retiree with grown children complaining about something comment saying ‘you have all of this free time and one day you’ll be dead so stop complaining and be grateful.’ I usually find that putting their well meaning advice back on them makes them think about what they are saying.
They may think they’re being nice or comforting but they’re actually being inconsiderate, unthinking arseholes. Maybe they are projecting their problems on to your situation, maybe they do miss their grown up kids but holy shit. Where is their empathy? Also what’s happened to their memory?! They might be nostalgic for those baby times but I bet they’re not nostalgic for the ‘no sleep since 2 days ago-he’s got an ear infection-she’s demanding attention-someone needs to cook dinner-I don’t even have time to frickin pee’ times. I’m a parent of grown up children and I’m certainly not!
Ok ok I might get all misty-eyed over their baby photos but I love having grown up kids I can hang with – they’re both wonderful humans, I love them to bits. Yes I miss them being so far from home but no, I don’t want those baby times back.
Oops, sorry I had a bit of a rant myself. ?
Keep being awesome, I think you’re a great mum. xx
Fuck yes. When people gloss over all the hard stuff it’s like the world is playing one big trick to get us to procreate.
I so appreciate your honesty about your kids because it’s REAL and I never ever for a second doubt that you love them and are glad to have them. Would you clean shit out of showers (and well, everywhere else) for anything less?
Some people parrot from a script though and I think many of those “you’ll miss this stage when they’re older” bleaters are just saying what they have heard or been told. Thanks for putting the word out that shit ain’t cool. X
OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!! This. Is. The. One. The ONE article that makes me want to sing the halleigh effing luyah chorus and then cry because every word is true. Even now 18 years later, apart from the co sleeping thing (I still get an occasional tit knock – because both kids are bigger than me and clumsy) it’s still true, yadda yadda I get it, but when my 18 year old asks me, “how do I put out the rubbish”….I want to lose my shit. Parenting is only occasionally fun, very very veeeerrryyyy occasionally. Ok. (But if you hurt my child, whom I would set myself on fire for – if needed, even one tiny incee wincee bit, I WILL destroy you)
Your kid asks how to take the garbage out?? Mine just stuff banana peels in couch cushions and dump everything else down the garbage disposal. (PS. We dont own a garbage disposal) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Omg I love it this made me laugh historically. The sad thing is it sounds like my husband not my child.
Yeap i definately hear you! And very much ditto to all you said, nicely put. I will Always be grateful for my two boys, but it is damn hard to be a mum to two, under two, in your forties. Throw in an earthquake that wreaks half your city (along with the 10,000 or so aftershocks) and sleep really is a memory. 4.5 years on and things have certainly improved, in all areas. Yes you do crazily and weirdly miss SOME of those times in the middle of the night with baby 2 and toddler one, but then there is even more good stuff happening now. Glad to be where i am now and not back four years during the struggle time. Chocolate is always good!
Hmmmm – wordpress won’t let me comment in reply to comments…sooo, I’ll do one comment in response to comments (does that make sense? I’m LOL sleep deprived).
That does sound really tough Rosebud! You’re so right, I’m absolutely sure there will be times when I miss snuggles from my boys, but I reckon I’ll miss the snuggles and not the tit kicking! Glad you’ve got so much good stuff going on now 🙂
Awww shucks, thanks so much for your comment Lillith. And I hear you on the terrifying mama bear thing. Never cross a mum!
That’s the thing – it’s selective isn’t it Magda? They’re only thinking about the good and not the bad. And that makes sense, but seriously how do they not recognise that? That they’ve sugar coated parenting and not every day was sunshine and bloody roses! Never apologise for a rant – that’s what this place is for. And thank you! X
Anthea – Thank you! We need more honesty. But also, not to be punished for that honesty!
Tegan, I struggled to get my oldest child. Three surgeries and a long road thinking I wouldn’t ever be able to conceive. That’s why I also really hate these grateful comments. Like you, I really didn’t fall into parenting, I ran toward it, totally desperate for it. So don’t lecture me about being grateful FFS! Anyway, I fucking love your advice. Totally going to say that haha!
Yep that’s it Lena – and trenches is so the right word! Because shit – getting them to sleep does feel like a war!
OMG… I need to meet you LOL! I remember feeding my child at 3am (he was 2 months old when the first one hit) and the aftershocks just kept coming and getting bigger and bigger! F*uck this shit didn’t even cover it!!! Well done us for getting thru two very hard things at once!!!!! And yes I am grateful for my children and a still standing house!!! 🙂
omg it’s like u dove into my mind and wrote everything I was thinking!!! very very well said! couldn’t agree more thank you for being so open and honest. awesome mums like you make me relise we r not alone in the trenches!!
Oh god, the pressure of trying not to be a turd when I do it so well … I miss many things about my children being small, co-sleeping ISN’T one of them. It must be really hard work being one of those eternally grateful parents …
I love this. People complain about their jobs all the time and no one is like “well, be grateful you HAVE a job.” So why can’t parents complain about parenting? I’m in a constant struggle with parenting to the best of my ability, loving the crap out of my kids, yet just every now and then doing something for ME and about ME because my whole life has been consumed by my family. I’m a distant memory somewhere under a heap of diapers and legos and laundry. Would I like it any other way? Probably not. But god forbid I actually express my feelings without being told to be grateful. Ugh.
I really don’t get this, I really don’t. I love the hell out of my kid. Love. Him. Am fascinated by him. Think he’s awesome and amazing and smart and cute.
I also would like some time alone with my wife and I would like him to stop the incessant babbling about Minecraft… The two aren’t mutually exclusive…
People like that are not helpful at all.
Omg you child is obsessed with the mine craft too I’m beyond tired of the babble about it and the videos
Minecraft and Stampy…… I would happily slaughter Stampy and his oh so annoying voicebox!
Have two disabled kids out of three and the one who isn’t disabled is both spectacularly saintly and perplexingly strange from time to time. The strange one was the eldest and he was the dream kid. Slept through from early on, ate everything put in front of him, likes everyone, never complains, though when he does you know it needs careful attention. Other people struggle with his literal zen-ness and try to label it. He just a nice person. Leave him alone.
The other two. Middle child had 50 hospital admissions under his belt by age 5 including lengthy stays on ICU and I would stay at night with him in hospital and go to work and my wife would look out for him during the day. We had months where we had no adult interaction with each other, would go two or three weeks without meaningful sleep and I’d I’d keep going to work until I’d get hospitalised with pneumonia or wake up in an ambulance after collapsing from exhaustion. Middle child has the worst asthma ever seen by any of the paediatricians we deal with and we’ve only kept him alive because my with is a paediatric nurse with more than 20 years experience and magic foo when it comes to get people breathing again with none of the tools of the trade to hand. He now has a neurological disorder that presents as sever Tourettes which spans from minor (but crushingly hurtful) vocal tics to being afflicted so badly that he can’t walk or talk and may spend hours drumming his heels on the floor and screaming inarticulately. The neuro disorder is a direct result of constant strep infections caught from being IN hospital. He’s a bright cookie too, but everyone treats him like he lost 100 IQ points when he can’t talk.
Youngest is Down Syndrome and ridiculously healthy but all the developmental milestones you take for granted take forever to happen, if they do at all. He dances and has won awards, been in big shows and is the most social animal ever. He is incredibly high functioning, but he has all the standard intellectual and physical issues you would imagine. His speech still isn;t really intelligible to anyone except his immediate family. He’s 9 and not night time continent. So we’re still being woken for middle of the night help.
We had all the issues you talk about and people STILL give us the “it will get better speech”. It won’t. We got VERY little help from family members with all the dramas we had, and still have, EXCEPT for the glorious, “treasure your kids, they won’t be there one day” speech. THis is the first article I’ve read that’s made me thankful for something. I’m male. I don’t have boobs to be jumped on. I have however received more than one 2am wake up call via a small knee in the genitalia.
All of what I’ve written is MY stuff though. EVERYONE’S problems feel like insurmountable mountains ESPECIALLY the child generated desperation of never feeling rested, never being on top of anything, always covered in some sort of effluvium. Complaining to a trusted, loved family member should be part of the parental rite of passage and those family members should just nod, and say, “I know, how do you have your coffee again?”
Thank you so much for commenting Jim. My oldest had three surgeries before he was two to try and get him breathing well. So I know a little bit of what you’re going through (seriously, how tough is all night in hospital and then working the next day? I felt like it was killing me!) I’m sorry this post struck a chord but also happy too – coz, I hope you know you’re not alone, and your suggestion of “how do you have your coffee again” is the best of ALL of the suggestions! Just someone shutting up, listening, making you coffee – it means the world. Thanks for sharing Jim. I hope the next kick in the balls you get at 3am isn’t too bad 😉
Jim, you sound like the most amazing dad. May your family go from strength to strength. To all the moms of young kids: mine are grown. I will never ever forget the torture of lack of sleep as long as I live. It is very good to vent, so vent!
Thank you for the thought, but no, I’m not. I just a normal person making as many horrible parenting mistakes as I can. In fact, I suspect I am actually pretty bloody awful to be honest.
@Jim Walsh, re “Complaining to a trusted, loved family member should be part of the parental rite of passage and those family members should just nod, and say, “I know, how do you have your coffee again?””
So how do ‘we’ explore how we might be able to help, other than making the coffee? Your load sounds huge. ‘Making the coffee’ is so small. It sounds like you might be saying a response like “How can I help?” Is insensitive(?). Empathy may be very good. But ‘doing something useful to help’ must be better? Surely those of us trying to help must try to do both?
“Making the coffee” might sound small but it can be the small things that make the biggest difference.
Make the coffee. Please. Let us vent.
Ask how you can help _and then follow through_ when you’re told. The help needed might just be a hug, but it might also be the vacuuming.
There are whole systems of Government based on simply validating people’s daily struggles. 99% of people are actually managing everything OK. It just feels really hard sometimes and someone acknowledging the daily struggle is a real “thing” that affects everyone differently, but is inherently the same “thing”, is enough validation to keep going for most. Giving someone an hour of your time to vent is utterly invaluable.
I love all of this! it’s hard when you just want to complain to someone and for them to say “yep its hard and you’re doing awesome” rather than give you advice!
also love: “You don’t look tired at all. You look like a glam actress who only eats paleo stuff and drinks grass smoothies.”
I put a photo on face book of me and my 6 week old, obviously no make up on coz who has time to do that, and a friend commented that I look so tired and I should take care of myself!! what? I have a newborn if I had time to take care of myself ofcourse I would sleep more and make delicious health food I would! haha you just have no idea no until you’ve got your own kid huh.
Hey you could say how about I recreate the past for you and drop my kids off to yours for the weekend 😉 Then they will most likely be grateful they only have them for the weekend!
Hahaha Sarah that’s an excellent idea!! Jess – some friend! How rude! I think “you look tired” is the most unnecessary and pointless thing you can say to a mum of young kids!
And the constant “Make the most of these moments, time goes so quickly, they’ll be gone before you know it”.
Thanks. Thanks so much for tainting so many special moments by making me dread something I would have never have thought of until your busy body self decided to piss on every else’s fireworks just because your kids left home and never call. Probably because you also were an insufferable, know-it-all, killjoy asshat to them as well.
We had difficulties conceiving our daughter, our first, and when she was about 4 months old, she went through a 6 week sleep regression from hell, where she would wake every 45 minutes, around the clock. I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep. While crying to a girlfriend about it, she actually said, “this is what you said you wanted when you were trying to get pregnant. Remember?” I could have slapped her.
Ha ha this sounds familiar! The ‘but you wanted kids so bad why are you complaining about them’ comment. Usually said by someone single and childless who is just ‘so crazy busy’ they ‘totally understand’ how tired you are… Um, no.
I just have to say AMEN to your comment, Christina… loving this whole discussion (obviously, I’m a totally solo mother (not by choice) wasting my precious alone time reading this crap?!)) I had five miscarriages, that’s right, a whole fistful, then once I gave up and got a divorce I fell in love with a sociopath, whoops! but here is my gorgeous son. Not what I imagined, wrangling a baby, toddler, three year old, four year old… by myself by surprise, and frankly, not all that much fun when the ratio is 1:1. Guess what? People don’t exactly line up to help single moms after they give you that slightly frightened, very sympathetic look: “Wow, that sounds hard. I’m like a single mom, my husband works 80 hours a week at the law firm.” I get the grateful speech from everyone who hears about my miscarriages until I cut them off to tell them I have no time for adult conversation because I am late to pick up the little miracle. If one more person tells me I need to take time for myself without following up with the day and time they will be coming to pick up my son for the morning/afternoon/evening/weekend I just might start pelting them with all the random shit in the bottom of my mom-purse – broken crayons, two dried out clementines, large sequins from an art project, ancient band aids in dirty wrappers, a box of raisins, two matchbox cars, three dried-out markers, and a package of baby wipes.
Omg i know! I am a single mom and am constantly lectured on”take care of yourself first” well you go wipe my little ones ass and make me dinner then. When your done dont be afraid to clean the fucking house because I just haven’t gotten to that yet. Ughhh dont lecture unless youre coming to help me!
Sounds like you’ll like our next podcast!
Great post. My first child slept so well, my second child did not. There is no third child. That is because the second child kept me awake and grumpy.
OMG you go mumma completely hear you and well said, always wanted a child,i now have an amazing baby boy but hell i want my bed to myself and partner at night, you have your own great bed, for god sake sleep in it.!!
Feel your pain but I hear what the ‘grateful’ grans are saying because my eldest has hit highschool and I”m thinking where the fuck did those years go. You just dont’ get it and that’s ok, that’s your journey and them telling you to be grateful is theirs. Dont take it personally. Sleep deprivation sucks dogs balls but in years to come when you think back on their baby days, you dont’ even remember their shit or vomit or bed hogging or any of that. I actually can’t recall one diaper change..ok maybe a couple of feral toxic ones that had me vomitting and thinking about the mum who gave me the advice “when it’s your baby’s shit you just don’t care’… I DID CARE.. a lot.. shit is shit and is horrid! Anyways, chin up …. hope both are sleeping through the night soon, if not there’s always phenergan 😉
Good point about how us moms with young kids just don’t get what it’s like to be a mom with older kids. I can completely understand how I will be nostalgic in few years for their little hands and hugs, But these comments about being grateful usually come when motherhood is at it’s hardest and somehow just make things harder. Enjoy your time with your older kids! And the sleep:)
Look….just be grateful you have kids ok? JUST JOKING!!!!! I have toddlers 15 months apart and feel like I haven’t slept in 4 years. Loved your post so much and I tell myself everyday that I’m being taught to be grateful for any snatch of shut eye I get and will be blessed with lots more down the track ?
Brilliantly put! I don’t have kids but I think you rock! And you ‘re right! Bravo x
Oh my god, yes! Thank you. This is the post I needed back when I was in the fog of newborn + toddler and every time I expressed the *slightest* negative thought people leapt in to tell me how lucky I was and/or how quickly they would grow. They were right of course, it does pass quickly but it sure as hell doesn’t feel it at the time and it sure as hell doesn’t make comments like that helpful!
So yes, thanks. Oh and it sounds like we have the same sort of plan for our fifities too 😉 Haha.
Thanks for your honesty. I’ll try not to fuck my daughter off ( even more) by saying something like that . I am in my fifties and yes , it is like being in my 20s again but somehow better.
I’m one of those older parents… I’m 50, with a nearly 25 and 19 year old. All I can say is the days are long and the years are short. I loved my babies but didn’t love every single minute of that stage… loved my pre-teens, but didn’t love every stage… oh, can we talk about the teenage stage… yeah… life is full of contrasts ain’t it. I had kids who never stopped talking… they were bright and funny, but every thought came out of their mouth all the time and I love quiet, so yeah, sometimes it was just too much. Having said that, I was then faced with the teenage one-word answer stage soon enough (just as annoying). I don’t look back with nostalgia… I’m SO happy that with all the crap I dealt with in my life (domestic abuse, chronic illness, nearly going blind, single-motherhood, and a list of other stuff) that they’ve grown up to be so amazingly well-adjusted, and loving human beings. And I enjoy their adult-ish minds. But I don’t miss the drama (oh please, don’t read that last sentence that I didn’t love them throughout their lives, I adored them). But, yes, raising children isn’t for the faint of heart and yes we lose ourselves and yes it’s draining (and it’s also a bunch of positive superlatives, too). I’m a better person for having been their mother. I’ve learned a shit load. But just like school… who the hell loves every class, every teacher? Oh, and there’s a reason grandparents whisper under their breath “I love spending time with my grandchildren, but thank goodness I get to give them back at the end of the day”… because they REMEMBER how fucking hard it is. Who’s kidding who? No, really?
My kids are 17 and 24 and I am ever so glad that they sleep through the night and don’t play the fart or shit game with me. When they grow up, there are other things to love, appreciate and to be irritated by (OMG did he just destroy the tire on my car? That’s $200!). They don’t stop being awesome and sometimes tiring parts of our lives. Sometimes I think the be grateful crowd doesn’t like their adult children. None of them say- “Just wait until they grow up and you can appreciate their enlightening conversation!” etc. Don’t mourn the littles, peoole. Love the bigs!
Reblogged this on lizzyloveslipstick and commented:
This!! I’m so there & understand… we should be able to talk about the good the bad and the ugly! xxx
Re-blogged (I think!) on Lizzyloveslipstick, I get this so much! we need to share all aspects of parenting and not just pretend we’re perfect! Awesome post! thanks xx
Awesome post, I should send this to my retired neighbours who have made several comments on my parenting when I’m beyond exhausted and their curtains aren’t open before 10am!
thank you thank you thank you! You said it, sister! The Candy Crush thing had me in stiches. Absolutely brilliant. Ah those days of being up until 3 am because you were dancing your ass of & making out. What I would give to sleep in until 10 am!
Love this. My kids are way older, but I JUST wrote a blog post about how damn hard it is having babies and little kids and how way easier it gets as they grow up. Overwhelmingly I heard from mums that they are sick of being told “enjoy this time! it just gets harder!” That is so crazy! And it really makes a mum of little ones feel like, “wait! this isn’t hard?” I think as our kids get older we must have the same amnesia about life with babies and toddlers that we we have about labour! Anyhow, nicely expressed and I like your suggestions of what people should say.
PS This is my post if you are interested: http://www.sarahrosensweet.com/days-long-years-short/
Every time we go on a road trip, we stop at Cracker Barrel because our kids love it.
Every time we go to Cracker Barrel, someone does this to us.
I want to reply, “I WAS enjoying it until you made me so freaking depressed about how the time flies.”
Parenting is hard. If ANY parent says that they never think of their times of being free and single and wanting to spend a week without obligations – they’re lying. Everyone here knows that we love our kids – that is different from loving the care taking part. Flinging hummus diapers, defusing tantrums, cooking meals, no privacy to do anything, etc. – is not fun or rewarding. It’s as hard as hell and it can be lonely.
You summed that up perfectly, thank you!
The first couple years are such hard work. I wish somebody had told me beforehand. Great post.
As the parent of three grown children, I would not presume to pee in your cheerios and take away anything negative from an endearing photo that clearly sums up parenting of wee ones. Anyone who doesn’t relate to the frustration of sleepless nights and dripping boobs is either memory challenged or lying. We all have been there, and while nostaligic for that sweet baby smell, no one is nostalgic for poopy diaper and vomit smell. Condescending comments such as the ones you got are not helpful to an exhausted parent. My best wishes to you and your babies!
Haha! Perfect brilliance! It is SO refreshing when people are real about parenthood. Of course it has its loveły moments…..but it can be really tough, and I only have 1! Big hug. X x x
Well Said! In so many instances people are credited for “trying to be helpful” when really they are just telling someone who is expressing crisis emotions that they are wrong. And that is wrong. There is no real listening or understanding going on, just platitudes and implied wrongness which are themselves the real wrongness. So post those pics and thank you for posting this rant. I’m not a mom, my my crisis rants have other sources, but I have definitely encountered “helpful” people who don’t realize the damage their invalidating response can have, so thank you for saying it. The demand that someone in crisis should just reach out, just ask for help, is hurtful when the “help” looks like this. It’s not help, it’s blame. Again, thank you.
Having babies is hard. Beyond hard. Painful emotionally and physically. “Losing” them too quickly is also hard. There is no language or cultural understanding of this grief that is always there when your babies stop smiling as they run towards you. So we say dumb things to parents who still have that. I think I have actually said it, and I’m sorry. I try very hard not to.
This is exactly what I am in the middle of right now. So…thank you!
I’ve gotten the, “Be grateful…” comment as well. My rejoinder is usually, “Don’t worry, in twenty years, I’ll be grateful.” Based on how many people with grown kids use the be grateful comment, it’s probably even true.
Thanks for vindicating! Love the post! You look fantastic btw. Parenthood really agrees with you. 🙂
Every word of this rings true to my life. Some people have already lived what we are going thru and somehow that makes them a pro at it. The way they remember their lives, they never had a meltdown or experienced anything other than bliss during parenting. We ALL know that to be bs! Great post!!!!!!!
My daughter slept well when she was little, for that I’m grateful. Around age 2, she started getting up nearly every night. In the night, it was all I could do to not scream her. It’s not that she deserved it or could understand why I was upset. Every day is hard for a parent. Now, she’s begging her teenage years and it’s no different for me. I’m grateful that she’s old enough to help around the house. I go crazy with her incessant talking and tendencies to argue EVERYTHING. Teens know it all right? I honestly never intended to have children, but I still take it in stride. I learned very early on that people’s opinions were something I wanted to shove down their throats. So, I learned to smile and nod. 😉
Ha! So true. I always hated people saying that kind of sentimental wish wash to me as well. My children are 6 and 10, so I’m well and truly past the baby stage, but I don’t miss it. If you’re missing some past thing, then you’re not enjoying the present imo. I should just say though – I’m awake at 4am because I was squished between my husband and my 6 year old daughter…
my kids are all grown, ive lived through the poop, the crying, the puking, the drop kicks to the boobs, sucking the sexy right out of them… the insomnia (and not because I have insomnia.. my children gifted me with it for years…. luv them. I have to tell myself that…) it doesn’t really get better,.. even in the teen years they are still needy buggers.. like seriously, let me take my mom hat off for a day! an hour?? I have three biological children of my own, and was gifted with 4 steppies. I didn’t have to deal with their poop tho thank god.. puke yes. poop no. they were old enough. a few years ago my sister gifted me with a book (to which I have lent out so I cannot tell you the authors name) but it is called “I LOVE MY LITTLE A-HOLES”… I feel all you parents should read this. it is everything you are all talking about .. that I talked about when my kids were little.. all put together in a nice little book … you know.. because you have so much time to read. I know. at least buy it, flip thru it when junior is on the potty.. or napping. its funny. you all will appreciate it I feel. if anything maybe it will lul you into a decent little nap. bc sleeping for x amount of hours doesn’t exist when you are parents of small children. so… read it. have a nap. xo
I, for one, am deeply grateful that I won’t change diapers again…I don’t foresee EVER missing that!! And, I absolutely hated getting up at night so I am immensely grateful that I don’t need to do that and I absolutely will not miss that!
There’s plenty of things our kids do that we don’t enjoy and we don’t NEED to enjoy! Anyone who’s talking about constant enjoyment or gratitude has clearly forgotten all the messy, tiresome, and plain annoying parts!
So glad you wrote this wonderful, honest post and am totally behind you on this!!
LOVE THIS! If you would be interested in being featured on Scary Mommy, please send me a message: samantha@scarymommy.com. Great work!
Great and important article – thank you!
Your words are so valuable and important for exhausted/stressed/”fucking over it” parents to hear.
Thank you. Your honesty is a fucking gift <3
YES YES YES! I witnessed a friend post a pretty nasty mom-shaming rant on instagram yesterday about how people shouldn’t complain about snow days and just “do YOUR JOB” because you “signed up for this” and I wanted to barf. Mom shaming is the worst. I totally agree with the “can you not” attitude. We all love our kids. We all have hard days. Its not a competition about who is better because they simply don’t complain.
Ask her how long she’d work for a boss who shits his pants and expects her to change them without complaint, screams at her, hits her, throws stuff everywhere and won’t pick it up, won’t leave her alone for five seconds, and expects her to be on call 24/7 WITHOUT PAY.
It may be “our job” and we may have “signed up for it” but sometimes the working conditions are shit (literally and figuratively) and it’s just as okay for us to complain about our “jobs” as it is for any wage or salary earner to complain about theirs.
Thank you Miche! And thank you boganette! This post (and reply) are perfect. I used to be a boat captain pre-babies – sailing with 50 kids at armies doing outdoor ed in whatever weather came up – but let me tell you, one kid that is “yours” is epically harder. Everyday.
I like you. You are so right. And I do NOT look back on those late night feelings and miss them. There is exactly one that I remember as being special. For no particular reason. But miss them? Hell no.
My kids are in now 32 and 30. I remember one night so clearly with my first baby it was a WTF moment the terrifying realization that this was now my life! Getting up and feeding all hours worrying how I was going to protect them. I sort of bumbled my way through motherhood and everyone has remained in tact and sane. Just when you think the worst stage is past then their teenagers. Do i miss them now their grown and living good lives? Hell yeah.
OMG I LOVE IT!! Our 4 year old comes in the room and pokes my forehead and if I ignore it, I usually get a little peck with a “mommy….? Can I sleep with you please” and I have to say no because I feed our (now) 1 year old in my bed at night as it’s easier to side bf. And she gets Soo upset. To which I reply “fine”, we shove daddy against the wall and I patiently wait for her to pass out Sobi can put her back in her bed all for our 1 yr old to wake up. And then I do as you do. Look at this I’ve been up for 3 hours putting one kid to sleep all to have the next wake up. And I get the same stupid replies as you do it drives me nuts. Ppl think that just because you post something it means you want their deep thoughts on the matter. Ok I get it your old random just starting out but seriously I REALLY want my SLEEP!!
Well done you!
I’m happily retired, with two grown up ‘adult’ kids whom I love with all my heart, but there is no way that I would want to relive the growing years. You have put it so well…….you have no ‘me’ space. No privacy (even taking a poo had to have an audience) and you only have about an inch of a super king sized bed!
Neither of them have produced any offspring, so I’m off the hook for babysitting/childminding duties for the time being….phew.
I can tell you that when they grow up and you have yourself back, you rediscover the joy of having noisy sex again. Getting drunk (although it takes you longer to recover from the hangovers) and you are able to go out without it costing a fortune in babysitters…….oh….and you don’t talk about the ‘babies’ while you are out! Adult stuff!
One thing you should always remember is just how strong you are. Life teaches us a lot but motherhood really stretches us…..wayyy out of our comfort zone. Looking back to that time and then looking at who you have become will surprise you, I know it has me. And I like who I am as a result of those experiences.
Keep on writing the truth, it can be funny and poignant at the same time.
Well said!!!
I really hope that when I reach that stage, I’ll offer a ” can I watch them for you while you (eat, shower or have a nap) instead of the you’ll miss it crap. My youngest is 13, but when my oldest was a toddler, I lost my family and had no one to offer that moment of respite… And I got the crap all the time from people who couldn’t bother to put themselves in my shoes for a moment and see the hormone screwed up sleep deprived crazy person that I was becoming…I hear you I so hear you. Empathy is sorely lacking in our world.. I am so grateful, and we all survived…but man there are some people I’d still like to slap!
Hi is it possible to email you? thanks
Hi Harrison, you can email me at boganette@gmail.com. Thanks,B.
I remember thinking while I was changing one of my twins, and sobbing, “I worked so hard to get here I should be enjoying this, but I’m not, and I probably won’t be able to have another baby, so I should enjoy this while I can, but I can’t” Right now I would give anything to be able to have another baby, and I do miss it, but I would never say it to an exhausted mother, EVER. Because it is the worse feeling in the world, loving them, being grateful, missing it already, and still being miserable tired and dirty all the time and just FED UP. You shouldn’t feel guilty for not loving EVERY MINUTE OF IT besides.
I said the following to a few new moms i know:
” i have, in the past, made it my personal mission to inform new mommies that–GASP!–this job is FREAKIN HARD! and sometimes you’ll wish you were dead. and sometimes you’ll resent your kid. motherhood brought out in me a level of anger i was previously unable or unwilling to access or tolerate. I thought i would have been better off if at least ONE mom had told me how FREAKIN HARD it is. maybe they did, but i was too wide-eyed and idealistic to believe them. maybe they never gave me details. maybe details are only to be shared with those you know won’t judge you for your *sometimes* hatred of this otherwise *BLISSFUL* experience. either way, i felt it would be helpful to other new moms to let them know what depths you might sink to, so they don’t feel alone, insane, or just plain BAD for feeling that way. but i kept getting met with looks or responses that I WAS WRONG, or BAD or INSANE for saying so. like…really? no one else is feeling that way? or are we just too afraid to admit it, and someone else saying it out loud somehow breaks down our facade? i stopped being so vocal about it. i stopped giving new mommies the permission i wished i’d had to feel crappy and to be miserable and to just hate the job sometimes. and i wish i never had given up on that, cause i know that deep down, some women appreciated it. some women agreed. so i’m going to start again, thanks to this article. Hey, your baby is gorgeous and perfect and wonderful in every way. AND there’s nothing wrong with you if you hate the job sometimes and resent your kid and get mad at him for crying or being a baby. motherhood is FREAKIN HARD, FYI. and it’s normal to feel lousy sometimes. and it gets better and worse and harder and easier and more delightful and more nerve-wracking and less nerve-wracking and all that. Motherhood is the ultimate paradox. and you’re doing great, even when it doesn’t feel like it. your kid will grow up fine, and screwed up and wonderful and frustrating and will evoke pride and anger and joy and sadness and…always…LOVE.”
and one of them, just one, but an important one that i used to love and respect greatly, said the following in response to me:
” I’m all for venting–releasing a bit of the steam that builds up as we chug through life. I’m also choosing to refrain from complaining about the challenges of parenting, especially on facebook, because I chose this job, I love it, and it is what I make it.”
i wanted to throttle her. i still do, every time i think of her young mother, one kid, holier-than-thou, condescending response. FUCK THAT SHIT “it is what i make it.” Bite me.
I have three grown children and I do miss those sweet little cuddles and the cuteness of them as babies. I definitely don’t miss being so tired I could cry, going in a group to the toilet, shower, everywhere and never having a moment to myself. I love my babies dearly and am grateful for every minute I have spent with them. I am also grateful they are now grown up – coz that’s pretty awesome too.
I always get angry that, here I am being a funny comedian, AND can’t you see I’ve developed an awesome coping strategy to get through life, because there’s funny everywhere, especially when life is shitting on you, BUT you’ve just made me look like an asshole because you don’t get my humor and you think I’m actually complaining.
But then I just remember that they didn’t get my humor so it must not be very fun to live in their head.
My kid is grown up. I still get people who misunderstand my funny posts about hitting all the red lights and spilling coffee down my shirt. That shit is funny, because I have a dry sense of humor. I’m the Monty Python, the Charlie Chaplin, the Mr Bean, of my own life.
I don’t enjoy people who don’t have a sense of humor.
oh how I wish the interwebs were around when mine were bubbas. (Now adults) I found it all extremely challenging. I would love to have found like-minded sistas to share my discontent with. I would not, however have enjoyed being told endlessly to “be grateful” or being trolled, by those who thought it meant I was a “bad mumma”. It’s a tough gig and relentless and when you are in it, it’s hard not to look at everyone else living their non-kid lives and want to be there.
And I didn’t co-sleep, (luckily, We managed to get them all to sleep early and in their own cot/beds) because I’m sorry, my sleep is vital and I can hardly stand sharing my bed with another adult!
But, basically…yeah Fuck of all you “it’ll be over before you know it” people and LISTEN.
You want I bring vodka and cake? X
Yes yes yes
We are grateful we are tired we love and we cringe
Would never change anything for the world just dont talk to me and listen to me whinge about my child being an evil monster ? even though i know they aren’t but right now at this point in time my tired eyes see an evil monster ? but my heart feels tons of love ? x
Mummas are magical beings and we all deserve medals for all the work we do for our families
Hip hip hooray
Hip hip hooray
Hip hip hooray
❤???????????
i know exactly where you’re coming from. I have twins. They’re 22 now but I remember what it was like not sleeping. I breastfed for 13 months. I used to get 3 hours of broken sleep a night. I would fall asleep at traffic lights. People would visit and comment on how messy the house was. No fucking shit. Felt like saying get yourself on the end of the vacuum cleaner or a tea towel. Insensitive arseholes. I was looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel and all I could see was a black hole in front of me. People would say ooh twins how do you cope. I wanted to shout I don’t I want to kill my children just so I can sleep
Very well said, as a mum to a busy 9month old& a super energetic nearly 3year old , I am fit to collapse 6 out of the 7 days from being up at night& going all day. Working in a health care job to top it off , I’m like fffccckkk off to every one who says “u should be grateful& smile more” . It not easy at all, keep up ur posts & gud on you for speaking the truth xxxx
OMG I can so relate. My boys are now 21 & 18 and guess what, I still have to clean up spew. These little cherubs have grown up and now drink till they can’t fit anymore in and make their way home or ring me to pick them up in the middle of the night. On the odd occasion they have made it home got to bed then spewed all that alcohol up. Whilst cleaning them up I am reminded of these same little cherubs when they were little and how often I wished them grown up and I could sleep at least 8 hours and they could look after themselves.
It does get easier and you do get your life back and yeah they can come pick you up from a night out occasionally but they are always loved and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Parenting is a roller coaster with a lot of thrills. Hang in there for the ride of your life.
You sound like me! I have also been brutally honest about how I feel. Luckily I havent had too many arseholes comment on how lucky I am!
I fucking *** LOVE***** you!!! You made my night. I laughed so hard and I needed that. Thank you!!!!!!
Well, my mom frequently reminds me that I never slept as a child, and now I’m a writer and psychiatric nurse, so…there’s hope?
You rock! I absolutely love this.
I don’t have kids but get the same sort of thing all the time – I’m stressed, tired, overworked and get told to be grateful I have a job. I am, but wtf? I’d be more grateful if I had a million dollars and could spend my days playing Candy Crush (I don’t even have time to find out what Candy Crush is!!!).
Telling people how you feel is a good thing. These same people will be all over the Internet for R U OK day…
This is perfect. Thank you.
Sister! I hear you! And can I get an amen for this article!? I understand you in every way possible! I lump all parents especially mothers into the category of “those who remember” and “those who don’t.” I’ve written about this in other ways, here, http://wp.me/p1M11-yN, and here, http://wp.me/p1M11-wR and I’m sure other places. And I freaking LOVE your article/post! Also a spectacular ending! Especially the first bullet point! I could add a few to that bullet list! Wishing you sleep and an end to that dreaded, “Enjoy this time! It won’t last forever!” phrase. Barf. And thank goodness, 🙂
Love you!
Aimée
I feel like I wrote this in my brain, and it mysteriously showed up on the internet. A-fucking-MEN.
ok…so I am now 60; when I was in my early 20s I had 3 kids in 2.5 years and I know it was a living nightmare sometimes; prior to kids I could sleep till 3pm on Sunday without really trying…after the kids I didnt have a lie in for nearly 5 years. At one time I was breastfeeding 2 of them, and all 3 were in nappies at night. Many nights were spent in the spare room with a baby each side and holding hands with the third who was in her cot. I honestly can’t remember much of it now…my kids are 33, 34 and 35 now. Nature blank’s most of the bad bits out…and I think that is part of the problem, when your kids grow up you forget the hard times and remember the good bits. Our youngest just got married and we had all our children staying in our house, as all 3 live outside of England that doesnt happen often. It was brilliant and there were lots of memories shared of when they were little…and you are nostalgic for the lovely times. Im sure the comments are no meant to upset or irritate, though I am sure they do…. but take heart…you wont remember the crappy times or not many of them anyway, it will all be rose coloured one day and you will wonder why young mums complain so much!!!
I was so grateful that I nearly took my own life from exhaustion, not feeling heard and an overwhelming feeling of failure. I hear you and understand exactly what you are saying. Hang in there xx
oh yes… FUCK THAT SHIT. I hated being told to be grateful and that I would miss it. I can tell you right now I do NOT miss my kids being babies. They were babies, they grew, and now they are at school I am in no way sad that i wasn’t “grateful” enough while they were small. I enjoyed and cherished them at every step but it was HARD. And I wanted someone to acknowledge that it was hard and not make me a terrible person because it wasn’t all rainbows and lollipops. It’s better to be putting it out there that you are overwhelmed and need a little support than the lie I see all the time where people post constantly about how much of a blessing their life as a mother is, and how their child is their world every waking moment because I’ve seen behind the scenes and that is a massive cry for help from someone who needs support so desperately, but has been shut down by the “grateful” crowd.
Now my youngest is at school all I get asked is “when are you having the next one?” “Ooh I bet you’re clucky again” “Hurry up and get pregnant again!” FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF is my internal reaction and my outside one is barely more civil!!
Yep, every so often I think I miss the baby stage – before he could talk, and argue, and be hurtful (intentionally or unintentionally). But then I remember the depression, the feeling of “unmotherhood” (I spent 8 months waiting for “the baby”‘s mother to come and collect him), followed by the all-encompassing, heart-wracking guilt… and I don’t miss any of it. I don’t want to go back there. It. Is. HARD. So incredibly hard. Then and now.
Short version of long story: My own mum used to love to say “now you know what I went through with you”. No, mum – you really don’t. Then she came to visit last year, when he was 9 (hasn’t seen him, except Skype, since he was 2, because she lives overseas). She hasn’t said it since. What I did get was “now I get it. You were intense, but this is something else.” Yes, mum – I know. I do sometimes wonder if we’d had another child if it would have helped “dilute” him a little…
I hear you, mama. Behind every awesome kid is a mum who thinks she’s screwing everything up. We have to believe we’re not. It doesn’t get easier – it gets DIFFERENT.
the sleep omg i miss sleep even my 6 year old son still comes into my bed.. i wake up with a foot shoved in my back and my spine bent in a weird way.. no matter how many times you wake up and shove them to the other side of the bed they just keep doing it arhggg not to mention when my 2 year old wants mum cause its 3am in the morning and shes hungry so that automatically means its breakfast time and morning.
I was happy 2 of my kids made it past 5.. but im suprised my back hasnt been destroyed.
its the small thing you hate it hate it hate it and than for a second you get i love you mum or you see them do something so sweet or they hug you than you love it until they pull your hair start complaining throw poo at you or projectile vomite on you than you hate it but you love it. #parenting #lifesgottonconfusing
The best thing I’ve read for ages. Struggling and gratitude are not polar opposites. Wish I’d written it 😉
Wow. Couk d not have said it better. I really liked Tegan’s suggestion if turning it back on them! My worst offender is my mother saying the be grateful speech. She’s going to get that turned on her next time!
I don’t miss those days , not even one little bit ! I am now 60 and help out with my grand children as much as I can . The nice thing is when I have had enough , when it’s not fun anymore I give them back ! And I get as much sleep As I want !?. All I can say is welcome to the parent club , this too shall pass ! Oh by the way , wait till the teenage years , when you stay up half the night waiting for the little bastards to come home !
Amen sister! Thank you for saying what we were ALL thinking!!!
I feel you sister. Hay 2 weeks ago my son threw up on my favorite pillow and my 13 year old daughter wore my favorite new undies and pooped in them same day I was like what the fuck right.
Absolutely F. A. B. Love this article and loved the original facebook post. I read it shortly after you posted online and smiled to myself ‘coz I loved the honesty, the realism of it and it was something I instantly connected with. I was in the exact same position, at the exact same time – my bed but no room for me. Thanks for making this single parent’s lack of sleep, lack of space an enjoyable experience where my true feelings could be shared. Even though the sharing was just with me. Have a great weekend and way to go lady ?
Many moons ago one night my son was trying breastfeeding feed and couldn’t because his appetite had increased. He was crying, I was crying
. Tony came in and told me to go to bed. 5 minutes he had our son a sleep. I sorta hated him. I do all the work and he got the reward. I love all of them☺
YES! So sick of the guilt trip when parents are actually honest about how crappy parenting can be – how painful, tiring, frustrating, gross, smelly, annoying. It’s also hilarious and loving and rewarding but not all the freaking time!
Is it any wonder parents are laid low by post natal depression when they can’t talk openly about their experiences without being told to suck it up?
Great post – thanks so much for sharing xo
Reblogged this on Brain Noodles and commented:
This is a fabulous blog!
I can so relate. Yes, my two are now primary school aged but I remember.
I remember the extreme tiredness. I remember understanding why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. I remember having years of having no personal space . Of feeling touched out. Of children that really didn’t sleep. Of constant trips to the doctor and hospital. Of my world getting smaller and smaller. And then it did get better but it took some understanding I couldn’t soldier on. Yeah, I had depression…and had to admit to it. I embraced it in some ways so that I could tell other women that it isn’t all sweetness and light. And that the day to day stuff of being a Mum is freaking hard work and all encompassing, no down time, no goofing off… at least that was my experience. But that there is a difference to it being just hard versus not coping at all.
The best advice I got is that everything is a stage… and they all pass – good or bad. Really hard to sometimes believe that when there is no such thing as a work week, a sick day, a day off, etc etc.
Oh and I never got that gooey baby stuff. Never. And the silly thing is I felt inadequate. I still don’t coo at a baby because well… babies aren’t my thing.
Now that I the kids are older they can dress themselves, make their own lunches, entertain themselves etc and I have different parts of my life again. They still sometimes wake in the night, or need to talk through a tough situation or debate the not to be debated. But I have to say I love this stage. They are intelligent humans that make me laugh, smile and worry. Of course this too is a stage.
feel your feelings, mama! what to go!!!
you are a great role model for your kids. they will grow up knowing how to feel their feelings too.
WAY to go. not WHAT to go.
Amen sister!!!! You can say this shit to me WHENEVER YOU WANT. And I will never, EVER tell you to be grateful. Promise.
Reblogged this on Your Anger Is Beautiful To Me.
How can I send this article to my mother in law without her thinking I’m a total bitch? I love this post so much. I have a 17 month old who is going through seperation anxiety and someone said to me “she will never want you this much again so enjoy it.” Yeah I really enjoy the stomach ache and guilt I feel when dropping her off at daycare.
While I won’t say raising babies was all sweetness and light by any means, but it is also ‘different strokes for different folks’. Full disclosure: I did have a highly supportive Mum who minded the babies/kids as often as I wanted (I think she secretly wanted to steal them from me), didn’t have that much sleep deprivation, and after the first two being a bit less than 2 years apart I realised I could not (well, didn’t want to) do that again (wanted to appreciate each baby on its own) and put 4 to 5 years between all the rest (did mean I had toddlers around my feet for a long time). What broke me (or very close to it; when I felt most alone and defeated, and like I had done it all wrong) – partly ‘cos I thought I had done a pretty good job of being a mother (and it was the only job that was important to me) was teenagers who seemed to hate me. I was not ready for that.
I think this is really important for people to know and remember. I know it to be true personally and it is one of the big complaints on any mommy group I’ve seen. We understand people mean well, but when you have been reduced to an animalistic survival state just to cope with the crazy that is your kid(s), your sense of humor has usually been devoured in your minds attempt to keep you from eating your young.
I am someone with older kids- and I sometimes think back and wish that I had been calmer and able to see how wonderful those moments would be as memories. That’s what older mums are putting on you- their regret! I, for one, am grateful for the peace and quiet I get most days, the supermarket shopping alone, being able to eat a meal when it’s hot, watch a movie uninterrupted and most of all sleep uninterrupted. Easy to look back through rose coloured glasses, the truth is sometimes (or much of the time) it sucks to be selfless-only thing to be grateful for at this stage is getting through it without killing or abandoning anybody!!
I am grateful for this post!
These nights are exactly why i only have two children. Bless you for putting it so wonderfully, bless you for being sble to put a logically sentence together whilst SO sleep deprived you may just fall asleep reqding this. Bless you for making my thoughts ok, I am so grateful for my beautiful babies ( now 10 and 4) but fuck me those days were hard!
I totally hear you! I get the whole grateful thing more than ever from my mum since my younger brother passed away last year at age 32. I get that she’s missing him and would give anything to relive any moment with him but there are times were the kids just do.my.head.in. And yes I am grateful, I love them to the moon and back and then some, just it’s not always easy!
They are almost all in their twenties now. I can still go crazy at the thought of, not their nursing, but the crazy-ass second hand that somehow needed to tweak my second nipple while they nursed. Four kids, family bed, nursed them all and I’m glad. I’m glad I did it even though it was hard. I’m glad I didn’t give in to an idea that the human sleeps alone (they have found beautiful people or pets to share their bed now… none of them really sleeps alone) AND I’m glad they are grown. And you are a good mom for sharing your bed. PS. The joint smoking stretch in adolescence is equally as exasperating (And I like the occasional joint…not because I don’t like joints… just because it’s kinda like the second nipple thing). PPS I really loved parenting. And it was the fucking funniest when they would make me laugh in superhero costumes while eating one or two favourite foods over and over. And I don’t forget the tiredness. I think people who forget it was hard didn’t have the right (for them) number of kids… and if they had had the one extra they would remember.
Reblogged this on appleciderwitch.
You are amazing. I was never this coherent during the times of no sleep and frankly would probably struggle now, and the youngest is almost 9 and hasn’t slept in our bed for some time. I do look fondly upon the photos of little ones in their bonds onesies, that photo you take just before they vomit or crap themselves. I sometimes wish I could hold that baby again but if you offered me a timemachine to go back and do it all again I would decline.
Even with “good sleepers” those first few years were hard, hard work. Full of challenges and difficulties and delights. They’re incredibly intense years, and there’s very little let-up or rest. It does get better, but then the challenges and difficulties and delights just change.
Great post, Boganette.
LOVE IT!! Story of my life….
That slogan should be on a t-shirt!! I got told a lot, “it doesn’t get any easier”. Bull-fucking-shit it doesn’t!!! Those parents either had perfect babies and toddlers or very short memories. It gets easier. I always tell that to parents of babies and toddlers. I hope it doesn’t sound patronising. Those early years (up until they start school) are a hard slog.
OMG! Best blogpost I’ve ever read. So true! I’ve raised 4 kids (well I’m not even finished doing so yet… The youngest is only 8), and I’ve done the whole breast feeding, puke, crap and sleepless nights shit. I love my kids from here to the moon and at least halfway back, but yes – parenting is fucking hard sometimes. And agonizing hard if you’re tired, the kids puke one after the other (‘t was a long Noro night …) and the mister sleeps through it all sound like a baby.
I bet the “be grateful” moms felt like shit too when their babies were little, they just forgot about it and get mushy eyes in retrospect. Oh, the bliss of amnesia!!!!
Hallelujah! Someone who gets it. I love my children more than life itself but at 3am I maybe love sleep a little more… I am sick and tired of this sanitised ‘perfect’ idea of parenting. It’s not real but we’re made to feel like monsters when we stray from that ideal!
I honestly could’ve written this myself! (Except I’m shit at writing!) it’s totally my life, I’m currently going through homework flashbacks…..I fucking hated (and I’m mean 10yr old vomiting on a Sunday night cos I didn’t want to go school Monday) whenever my boy brings homework home……..no ones makes that thought occur to you beforehand. If I could tell my 20 yr old self what my life as a parent is like, I guarantee I would not be a Mum. But the weird thing is I could not be without my two little brats, when I think of how much I love them, I feel my cells ache! I’ve often wondered if cavemen went through these parenting conundrums………they pop for a wee and their little caveman has nicked their warm spot in the dirt…….would they get as upset? (When I say upset I of course mean heavy breathing sweary rage!) ? I loved this article, thank you! ?
?????love it!! I’ve removed many people from my life due to this happening, people have short memories ! Thank you for sharing !
Thank you for this. I pulled 2 king single beds together to make one bed. And the kids are allowd to sleep on their side ( there is a rise between the mattresses) if they want to share with me (hubby sleeps in our bed in a different room). My kids use to tag team all night I know the exhaustion, I know the love and gratitude I have for my beautiful ferals and I also know the heart ache of them growing up and moving out and of not wanting to be hugged. Hey parenting is hard and I believe that we as women are, instead of helping each other are trying to prove that we are better than each other, not wanting to let others know we are doing it tough. So he’ll yeah get out of my bed, I don’t want to know that your awake at 2am and want to play (that is as long as they are safe and not in any pain) just go back to sleep in your own bed like everyone else. Get into the same rhythm as your brother and let me sleep. So my answer to your comment is: hell no that’s not fair how about I come over in the morning and watch the kids so you can get some sleep and feel human again. We all need our own space and we all love, cherish and are greatful for our ferals. Just give us some sympathy you have all been in the same moment.
Yes yes yes yes. I think this is also the reason people hate their mother-in-law. Because like everyone else, they forget, but it seems even more insulting when it’s the mother of your husband thinking you’re a fruitloop/ungrateful whore.
I hear you sista. Kids are hard fucking work. Especially at 3am in the morning. Just because we tell them to fuck off* doesn’t mean we don’t love them and aren’t grateful for them.
* I’ve never done this, obviously.
** Okay, I have.
Might I suggest we start using #sogratefuland or #IAGNFO on our horrible-parenting-experiences social media posts?
so much yes. Of course you can be simultaneously grateful and exhausted and stressed and boo to people who want to tell you what to do.
Perfect! My son didn’t sleep till he was 3 and a half. He’s 11 now and in my bed right now.
Absolutely this. It is completely possible to be both grateful and exhausted to the pint of weeping- I remember it well myself. The best advice I ever got was don’t listen to advice/commentary because It is invariably about making themselves feel better or justifying their own behaviour. You complain when you need to!
That is awesome! I had a similar thing last week from my mum & sister(her oldest is 17 & youngest is 9). My mum is retired & considering going on a once in a lifetime cruise to America. I just happened to say I can’t wait to be retired so I can go on holidays like that. Then I got from both you should enjoy it having the babies (3 yr old & 10 month old), these are the best years of your life, you should be grateful! Oh F off! I am grateful, I love my children to death, couldn’t imagine being without them, but really?!!! Best years of my life?? I think they were 3 years when at uni, out every night, no responsibilities! X
I love this. Yesterday was the most ridiculous day I have yet encountered- it was like never ending piss and sht coming from my kids and nothing went the way I hoped. I crawled into bed well past midnight and all I could think was I am sooo grateful… that bloody day is over!
I recently read an article by a mum of teenagers, she describes in it how she now yearns for the day her kids wanted to know her, and idolised her. As a mum if a 4 and 1 year old it has really affected me… Made me feel like every hug is so precious. I think this was a nicer way of helping me find gratitude when I’m exhausted and completely stripped bare of personal space!!!
Thanks, that was awesome. I agree with absolutely all of it.
We have just one beautiful little girl (16 now), but we went through all kinds of contortions to get her sleeping in her own bed. As Mom, I am also the sole breadwinner, but I traveled a lot and so I couldn’t put it all on my husband. We took turns with sharing the middle of the night intrusion.
We used the purchase of a new, big bunk bed as the catalyst to get her sleeping in her own bed at night. Frankly, I also told her I was going to rent her room if she didn’t use it. Now she hangs out in her room most of the time, online with friends, or doing homework, and I am the one that invades her space to get kid time.
Another sleepless phase starts in the teens. Late night homework, too much online activity, dating, experimentation, and of course driving. Ahhhh!
I just read this with my husband & proper LOL’ed. It all SO true. All of it. I get it.
Nice blog post you can’t be that tired! Haha, only kiddin. Bringing up 2 boys was hardest job I’ve ever had exhausting and strainful. I have 2 great sons.
Aww I hear you! Please don’t think it all ends with them growing up, it in all probability gets worse. For instance the first time the venture out on their own with their friends to a nightclub or party, well past the time they should be home, no answer on the mobile and your pulling your hair out. You tell yourself they have been murdered in some dark alley when all of the time it’s just because they are having a good time and the music too loud to hear the phone. Or when they have passed their driving test and decide they are going on a road trip, the last you hear from them is whilst they are in their car with a group of giggling girls and now it’s well past bedtime, you ring their mobile but they have their car sterio on too loud and anyway you tell them not to use their phone while driving!!
Oh yes and then come the menopause and hot sweats, walking up past 4 in the morning sweating and find their car is still not in the drive, bed empty, and no answer on the mobile once again. You drive yourself crazy until they turn up as if nothing is wrong and can’t fathom out why you are so stressed, they only crashed at their mates and watched videos. Yep it could get worse.
Yea yea. But why is there a gigantic curly turd on your pillow?
Thank you so much!!! I spent a lot of time feeling guilty for being miserable when my girls were newborn, ten months and two years. Loved them and hated being a mom if that makes sense.
I too love this. Even on a rare day when everything is going swimmingly, it’s still hard work. I have more reason than most to understand exactly how grateful I am for my remaining children, yet that doesn’t make superwoman. I can curse under my breath and beg them to have another hour’s sleep and lose it and give up and give them nutella sandwiches with jaffa cakes for tea occasionally because I don’t have the fight in me. It’s hard work, and those who have forgotten need to remember that they’ve forgotten, smile and maybe even offer to help x
Hands down the best thing I have ever read on the internet!
This. Is. Perfect. Thank you for expressing so frankly what most (all?) mums of very young kids think on a regular (hourly?) basis. How DARE I complain about my kids when there are people out there who can’t have children/lost their children/hate children/aren’t remotely interested?
You don’t touch on the uncomfortable subject of how boring (sorry, but true) looking after very young kids all day, every day, is. My two, aged 2 and 10 months, are cute, adorable, clever, sometimes hilarious, and I would die for them in an instant, BUT… Looking after them full time is sometimes incredibly tedious. People without kids or with grown-up kids don’t get it. They don’t know – or have forgotten- how gruelling, exhausting, boring, and frustrating babies and toddlers are. And chronic sleep deprivation! You don’t know what that means until you have a baby in your life.
Sorry for the epic comment. You rock, Boganette, and thank you for voicing what so many of us Mums are thinking, but daren’t say, for fear of being branded UNGRATEFUL.
So true – I call 1998 the year of the blur. 2 babies in 12 months and I felt so sorry for myself haha!
Reblogged this on Parental Guidance Recommended and commented:
#IAGNFO
This is the best thing ever! I have raised 7 kids, eldest now has her own 2 littlies and my youngest is 7. Done the breastfeeding thing and dealt with one when she was 4 with pneumonia and a 2 week old at the same time. People just don’t understand how tired you can get.
I love this. I barely remember anything from the first 2 months of having kids. It seems like a blur and I was this milk machine vampire. Youngest is now 3 oldest is 6 and some days still feel the same. I enjoy lost of booze on the weekends and have trained the kids to sleep in on the weekends because it’s mummy’s days off. Good luck xx
<3 this. When you get a tough baby and everyone says – "Wow – isn't it the most amazing thing ever being a mum!" Um no!!! I swear the early years are a test to be endured. Tough stages come and go after that. But cluster feeding and years of no sleep and constant nappies and vomit and poo…and kids that can't communicate properly so they just cry and fuss and feed…. pffft… yeah, I'm grateful. That it's over! By the time my insomniac was 4 it got easier. I think it is true that the smart ones sleep less 😛 But eventually they submit to some semblance of routine that means you can leave them with a sitter and go to a gig and feel like a person not a vending machine.
I just want to say I FUCKING LOVE YOU! My first boy nearly died during birth,I was discharged after 2 nights with no milk,serious pts,no family around at all (I’m from France),and a totally useless husband. It took more effort than words can describe to drag myself to my first mothers group; with a baby who was waking every 2 hours at night and only slept in the baby bjorn during the day. And I’m sitting there with my tormented peacefully asleep in the bjorn (just so everyone thinks I’m crazy when I say he is a nightmare), and this woman says ” I love watching my daughter when she sleeps, I just can’t believe how beautiful she is, she is the most beautiful thing I have EVER seen”. WTF?!! Was she on drugs?!! Because if she was I wanted whatever she was having. I sat there with a blank look on my face but I wanted to shake her really hard,maybe slap her a bit,then shove all the parenting books which she no doubt possessed and had studied religiously where the sun didn’t shine. It’s time we stop advertising parenthood as a fluffy,happy,lovey MDMA nirvana. The truth is motherhood is hard,and it’s ok to wanna put your kids on eBay sometimes,or on the side walk with a “free to good home” sign around their necks. It doesn’t mean you are a failure,that little Johnny will grow up to be an emotionally scarred psycho that torture small animals. Life is not a Huggies commercial,and women who struggle should be smothered in kindness and empathy,not driven further into their own feelings of inadequacy by being told they should feel grateful and elated 24/7. I was lucky to have found women who would invite me over to their messy house,bottle of wine freshly corked,and where honest enough to expose their own beautiful flaws. I love my boys in a way that only another mother can truly understand,and sometimes I wish they were mute and had no legs… And that’s ok,be cause I am human.
This is brilliant, you are brilliant and parenting is the single-most hardest job on the planet. I love this article xx
OMGawd, thank you for writing this! I’m a mother of 3 boys, 2 of them are special needs and one is a hard ass ALL the FUCKING time. And the cherry on top…we’ve got one more on the way! I love my boys…and the little bun in the oven…however I’m a SAHM and I never get out. Seriously…we have no family close by to help, friends are busy with their own lives to help, and we can’t afford help. A few of my friends have one kid and tons of family to help and I get so jealous (and I’m not the jealous type…insert random guilt here for feeling that way). I get the same comments too about being grateful and I want those comments to shoved right back up their asses. I can’t stand it! No one gets it that two of our three boys are special needs and require an insane amount of my time (and my husband’s) for therapy, IEP meetings, emergency phone calls, parenting classes, researching, etc. It’s WORK on top of the normal parenting work…and it’s exhausting…24/7 fucking bullshit and I can’t imagine not doing it…they need us! But holy fucking bloody hell…once in a while we would like to GET OUT! be husband & wife…not parents…not special needs advocates fighting with the school systems, no “teachable moments” for assholes…instead of telling them to take their fucking retard asses somewhere else and NOT judge my baby! We NEED time outs too…I’m a 35 year old wife & mother…and this woman needs a fucking time out…preferably with her awesome husband! We’ll take a pack n play and go to our room willingly…we won’t need to CIO either. And for the sex we should be having during our time out…we’ll probably be cuddling grateful for a few minutes of just being in each other presence. So, when we have the well-meaning “be grateful” being spattered on my FB wall…I just want to scream…FUCK OFF!
I am living this!!!!!! 5 month old and 2 year old!!!!!! Thanks for this i needed it!!! #sleepdeprivedaswell #cryinginthebathroomispeacefulhaha
I am a Granny now to 4 gorgeous grandchildren aged 15 months to 4 years, but I remember it all so so well. At one point I put my daughter in the pram at the bottom of a big garden so that I couldn’t hear her, my son having a tantrum, into his bedroom, and me sitting on my bed crying my eyes out and wanting to disappear. Parenting is the hardest job in the world – and I can tell you that it never stops – but it is also absolutely the best job in the world. I would not be without my 3 – yes I had another one! – and as a granny you live through it all with your own children who are raising their wonderful families – things don’t change. Keep at it you wonderful people – its worth it.
Yes. Just yes.
Unfortunately it is, and I in fact could be, the one this is written about. Trouble is, as we get older we romanticise the early years and long to go back and have it all over again. We forget how sleep deprived we were and how ‘go the fuck to sleep’ is a PG rating of what actually goes on inside our head at 3am in the morning when we’ve already been up at 12, and 1 and 2….. As our kids grow up and need us less, we don’t long for the hard stuff, we just miss the cuddles and knowing that they are safe in their beds and that we have control. One day, you too will have time for Candy Crush, but the silence in your house will have you wishing for the shit times. What you are doing now is tough, you don’t need us to tell you to enjoy it because they grow up so fast, we just wish we could have it back again. We understand your frustration with us though. I would have been seriously pissed if someone did it to me. That’s what’s so weird, I have become that person, and one day you will be me.
PS I can’t wait to be the Nanna and then I don’t have to have the sleepless nights and ‘witching hour’ screaming matches. I instead become the Nanna hero, who gets to spoil without the hard work. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes, until then… you are amazing, keep going super mum x
Spot on, this made me laugh and I so get it. I was lulled into a false sense of security with my first. He was that perfect child, never cried always smiling slept 7-7 12 hrs. My second was devils spawn or possessed. Screamed for 14 hrs a day even during feeding. Taking a bit then scream high pitched like a colic scream. Nothing wrong with her she just liked it and this went on for over a yr. She then went to throwing herself at things to hurt herself. Everyone used to look at me as if I was the one poking pins in her. No sleep screaming child another to look after the first person that said I was lucky got a mug of water over their head. Felt like I was being punished for having such a good son. Shes 19 now and still not much better
No one talks about the hard stuff! No one tells you that despite how much you love your children sometimes
Being a parent is shit!!!! And if you dare to say it out loud you are a shit human, shit parent! If we talked about the hard stuff instead of the farytale maybe people would be less harsh on themselves and realise that it’s NOT YOUR FAULT – #banmotherguilt
Loved this! I just remember thinking it’s never going to fucking end!
Hands down the best thing I have ever read! You are a freaking legend ??? My 8 month old daughter is miss super high maintenance velcro baby extraordinaire and I have literally spent only a few hours away from her since she was born. She is the sunshine in my day but sometimes she is also the dark grey rain clouds, torrential rain, lightning thunder and occasionally hail. This doesn’t make me love her any less and it most certainly doesn’t make me a bad parent it makes me human.
I adore my children, and I loved them from the moment they were born, but there isn’t enough money in all the banks east of the Mississippi to convince me to go back to the days when one was newborn and one was three. If you tossed in the west coast loot, I’d consider it, but it would still be a tough decision. In all seriousness, the advice I give to parents of littles (from my delightful perch parenting a fourth and first grader) is this: hood on; it gets easier. When you are in the midst of it, every day and every night can feel like a barf-soaked, sleep-deprived, shit-covered eternity. Rather than cherishing it, I say you survive it. While parenting elementary kids is certainly still challenging, and periodically makes me want to put the children out by the road with a “free to a good home” sign (and on the worst days, I might just stick with “free” and not worry about vetting the quality of the living situation), those days are infrequent. Everyone in the house can wipe their own butt (though sometimes not as thoroughly as I’d like), put on their own shoes (though not always find them), and find their own snack (though not necessarily without whining).
“Fuck… you need a tv.”
“Before you know it they’ll be at school and you will never see them.”
“It goes way too fast, just enjoy it.”
You fucking come here and have and 11 month old and a 1 day old hanging off your hooters. . I felt like a Jersey cow for six years.
They’re 10,9 and 7 now…
And Thank fucking Christ they’re in school.
God Thank Christ that.five years of full-time live in shit smearing ferals are away from me…
I have freedom.
And…
I’m still grateful for those little shits.
Thank you.. You have articulated what I have thought many times… I loved it!
Thanks, I needed to read this today. I’m a single mum of a 2 and a 3 year old and the last two weeks in particular have been an awful slog. I’ve lost my temper and then cried into my dishes because I lost my temper. And if I talk about how hard I’m finding it right now, I still preface everything with, “I love them both so much, they’re wonderful kids, but…” Thank goodness for friends who understand. And my sister 🙂
Yep, I remember those judgey looks from other ‘apparently perfect’ mums if I happened to refer to my little ones as ‘trouble’, ‘nightmares’, ‘playing waking tag team’. I also remember other mums who said ‘That’s nothing. I was up all night, eldest had black plague, middle was bitten by a funnel web and the youngest peed on the dog. Then I got up this morning and licked road clean with tongue.’ Gee thanks, ladies. I feel a whole lot better. Fortunately there were those few lovely mums who sympathised, offered support and told me I’d survive. I did, somehow, and now my youngest is 3 I’m really loving all my beautiful kiddies (though a little more uninterrupted sleep wouldn’t go astray!) Thanks for your honesty and yes, it does get better and chocolate definitely helps!
Fantastic post! I love my son, but when he’s happily awake in the middle of the night I tend to be less than grateful…
This article tested my pelvic floor I found it SO hilarious. From a grateful and empathetic mother of a 2 yr old and a 4 week old xxxx
You’re completely on target! Since both of my kids are disabled and one of my kids has multiple ( physical, cognitive, and learning) disabilities (and you can tell just by looking at her) when I get those comments it has an added burn because although they tell me to enjoy it while it lasts, I have come to accept that at least one will be living with me until they cart me off to hospice. People who are a bit more clued into the disability thing will give supporting comments which push their beliefs with something like, “she is so lucky God chose you as her momma” and that has it’s own internal momologue. I love my kids. I take my responsibilities to advocate and support them to heart. I relish the small successes and am proud of what each of them bring forth from within. But parenting is a burden. There are rewards but some times those moments are too infrequent and represent long stretches of unregognised, uncompensated, and unfullfilling expenditures of physical and emotional energy. Denying that does a disservice to all parents and all women past and present.
This sums it up entirely for me!! ThankYOU, Love this so much!
You are fantastic. I couldn’t have said it better. My 2 year old had a horrible first day in his new room at childcare the other week and I had a rant on fb. I get a reply from a “friend”- ‘count your blessings. Once they get older it gets worse’. I felt exactly how you describe. Women need to feel supported in the good times and the bad. As you say, if they can’t talk about the bad stuff, they will feel alone and this can be dangerous. Well done for saying how we all feel. I hope you enjoy that chocolate and some quiet time.
Reblogged this on Two Brute Yogis Sitting In a Tree and commented:
My wife Lisa would like you to read this. <3
Hello ! Not sure if someone has already commented alike but I see its a positive vs negative comments being made after a positive vs negative post/blog being written by you ! I’ve been personally bagged out along the line on social media but I’ve posted negative comments and have found that everyone writes about the negative (whinging) but rarely positive (praise) !
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! Thank you for writing this. I am a mother to a 6, 4 and 3 year old. It’s bloody hard work, and sometime I just feel like whinging about their shitty behavior. I no longer do the social media rant because it makes me even angrier when I get those “be greatful” comments. I hadn’t realized how many other people get peed off by it too, and that makes me feel a bit better. If only I had the courage to share this article and tag all those offenders to get the point across to them!
Now, I’m going to have a glass of wine while my ferals sleep and hope that I don’t get any midnight visitors tonight.
Yes ! We have a 4 year old boy who crawls into our bed every night at 2am, we have given up putting him back in his bed just so we can sleep ! and a 16 year old boy who wakes us at midnight when he finally feels sleepy and goes to bed (yeah 16 and 4….not an accident… yes, we are fucking crazy !!!) It is hard and sometimes I hate it and want to run away. I want my bed back to myself, want my husband back to myself, want a clean and tidy house…. and all the rest. Of course I’m grateful to have them, I love them and couldn’t imagime my life without them. But I will not be wishing they were babies again when they are living their own lives away from us (around 18 years old I plan…) I will be kicking up my 50 something heels with their dad and rejoicing that we have raised independent young man 🙂 Raising kids os the toughest job out there and thankless – until, like me, they grow up and realise their parents were facking amazing superhumans ! (Who thankfully never tell me to be grareful when I call them complaining about their grandchildren !)
Hang in there, girl! I am right there with you.
so so true! After my first child I was quite cross that other parents don’t really tell you just how hard some of this parenting stuff is! However after child number two, I found myself becoming one of those who glosses over the ‘challenging’ moments so that I don’t scare the living shit out of parents to be. This shouldn’t be the case. Well done for being brave enough to tell it like it is. We’re all feeling the same inside no matter how smiley some mums ‘appear’ to be. xxx
Lol! The truth of the matter is : when they are grown you DONT miss the sleepless nights or the diapers or them hogging your bednor puking all over you…. You miss their Lil selves but you at like HELL no do I want to go back to those years! Mine are 8 & 16… Do I miss their lil selves? Yep! Do I love these ages? Yep! They are basically self sufficient and they still cuddle with mama nightly before they go to THEIR OWN beds for the ENTIRE night… So your friends mom lies, you don’t miss it… My advice: hang in there soon it will be a fond memory and stories you can use for embarrassment purposes!
As the self- designated spokesperson for ‘Condescending and Patronising Advice Givers’ (CaPAG), I am first writing to apologise for our previous lies told…
Ok, I get it, being a parent of a baby is tough, we’ve been there (remember, that’s where the experience and sympathy comes from) but being a parent of an older child is tougher. I don’t want to dilute the right for you all to have a tiresome wallow but as a parent of 2 young adults, let me assure you it doesn’t get better and ‘we’ should have said so sooner for which we are sorry…
Mothers of babies do not have the monopoly on sleepless nights nor will you worry less. Let me assure you that you WILL worry more. The worries of illnesses, abduction, which school to choose, money, whether or not to vaccinate etc. will decline, however, they will turn into much worse. Not only will you be concerned over alcohol consumption, drugs, pregnancy, SDI’s, influence of friends, you will have deeper concerns to consider daily such as car accidents, rape or suicide which will hang over you
‘CaPAG’ have had this experience which is why, in your seemingly lowest hour do we try to offer some titbit of re-assurance. I have had plenty of ‘knowing’ new mums tell me ‘its ok for you, you’ve forgotten what it’s like having young kids’. We nearly have forgotten as those thoughts have been replaced with much worse..
Personally, I’d change all those 3am thoughts for a sleepless, sore- breasted, wriggly night ANY time
Yes you are grateful for your little, loud, wriggly creatures and we are grateful for our ‘not so little’ people but if you are only willing to accept the sugar coated comments over the uninvited but educated ones then you will lose the people who genuinely want to help and me for one would much rather have an honest opinion than a soapy excuse of reassurance
The article says some kinds of “help” are not _actually helpful_. There are pages and pages of comments agreeing with Boganette when she says “Please don’t say this, it’s not helpful.”
What about “That sucks. How do you take your coffee?” is “sugar coated” or “soapy?”
What about “Be GRATEFUL” is more honest than that?
I don’t have kids and I never ever plan to have kids but, I have spent a good many many many hours babysitting other peoples kids. Most of these hours were paid hours… but the hours that ‘paid’ the most were the ones I did voluntarily, like the mornings after I’d spent the previous night out at a club with my friend because she needed one night off and hubby stayed at home with the kids because it was the 1 night he had off from his night work job that week and we strolled in at 5:30am (boy did we get a dad telling off from hubby lol) where I assumed the position on the couch ready to be woken up by the kids at 7:30 telling them to use their inside voices so mummy and daddy could have a sleep in (and ok maybe a little bit for my own selfish reasons too), fixing them breakky and helping them get dressed, putting on their helmets and getting their bikes out the gate quietly (even though I know the youngest is gonna get jack of riding and I’m gonna have to get all awkwardly hunch back of notre dam and push his damn bike back) and then heading off on a good 2hr round trek to the milkbar for ice-creams and a newspaper for dad via the park and the school playground, just so mum and dad could have one of those long forgotten sleep ins and a kid free morning snuggle! So for all those ‘be grateful’ people out there, next time shut the hell up and try doing something you would of liked some one to do for you when you were out of your mind crazy with parenting. For it is us childless and ‘my kids are all grown up now’ people that should be grateful, grateful for our regular as clockwork, no sharing my bed unless i want too, lazy sleep in Sunday’s, kid poop and vomit free lives!
The following is quite serious … my theory is that the process of evolution selected 2 characteristics into the human species: (1) the ability to remember our own childhoods SELECTIVELY by remembering (or at least emphasizing) only the good and forgetting (or at least DE-emphasizing) only the bad; (2) the ability to remember SELECTIVELY how difficult it is to have & raise kids by doing the same selectivity thing as parents. If we remembered with 100-percent accuracy how traumatic it is to be a child and how difficult it is to be a parent, we would take a blood-oath to never inflict childhood on others or parenthood on ourselves. Result: species Homo sapiens sapiens would go extinct in a single generation. Only nature’s gift of selective after-the-fact amnesia prevents this.
Brilliant. Great article and well said. Thank you.
OMG – this is the best thing I’ve done at 1am for a long time!! Such a great and important message for parents (old and new!) thanks so much for writing … And being so bloody hilarious!
I’m thankful for people like you. And I love your use of the F bomb for emphasis. It’s perfect.
Reading and typing one handed on my phone at 1.26 am fucking cluster feeding my 4wk old velcro baby while hubby gets kicked in the head by the non-sleeping 3yo in the other bedroom. And btw the giant fucking conspirqcy extends backwards in time to birth & pregnancy, still recovering & experiencing PTSD from my horriffically traumatic birth experience. But you know, healthy baby, so who cares, right?? Every word you say is true. Bless you and all your swear words.
I freakin’ love you, girl! I have 6 kids, love them all to death. But having a baby at 43, (when my youngest was 8!) is f’n hard. He’s great, funny as hell and I love him, but some days I think it’s cruel and unusual punishment to give a 2 yr old to a 45 yr old woman.
Thank you! I am just like you I will post my good feelings about my sweet angels, and I post my ‘not so good feelings’ about the small army of the underworld which I created. I have many a friend that catch me on the street and thank me for my posts, giving them the ‘backstage pass’ to parenting. It’s a tough job! It’s harder than boot camp some days. And yes one day I will miss cuddling on the couch, and school functions, and family dinners, but I am not going to miss playing twister in the middle of the night with 5 other people in my bed. I am not going to miss being woken up from an amazing sleep by a waterfall of vomit in my face. I am not going to miss scraping the dinning room floor with industrial strength cleaners and tools. Some moments of the day I feel blessed, and other moments of my day I look back over my life and I wonder what I did to deserve this. Parenting is an emotional roller coaster! And we are all just in it for the ride. 🙂
Sing it, sister! I remember those days and I also see jerks making those statements all of the time on FB. I call out each and every one of them because it is really mean and all about condescending. And I do it because I am retired and remember those days well don’t play candy crush but do sleep until 10 lol)
I have no kids and I utterly admire the bravery and selflessness being a parent takes. I also admire parents who are brave enough – in this world of sanitised Barbie-dust – to tell the truth about how they feel. Brilliant read & I so hope that in your 50’s you are doing exactly whatever you want to do. Kudos
I have five sons, ranging in age from 31 to 13.
And I don’t miss the baby stage one little bit. (Okay, maybe a little bit. Sometimes.) But teenage/grown kids are much more fun! They can carry on actual conversations, for one thing. They can make their own damned peanut butter and jelly sandwich. There is nothing in the world like a bear hug from a teenage boy–and mine are not embarrassed to hug me in public!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This made me spit out my coffee I was laughing so hard!
I love you. My friend just sent me this post and it is so on point! I have four kids. The oldest is 8yo and I can see how you miss the sweet baby stage even though he was not really a “sweet” baby. (More like a colicky sleep-fighter) I also have a 6mo and 2.5yo IN OUR BED most of the night. It’s hard. And it’s ok to say it’s hard. Love to all the moms and dads in the trenches with the little ones!
Thank you. Just…thank you. Well written honest and so needed. Keep writing. I’ll read it all
Thank you for this. I think I am guilty of this ‘be grateful’ thing, and I will watch my words more carefully in the future. However….. I’m not sure that the REAL message is ‘be grateful’ , I suspect it is more like ‘I am grieving for what I have lost and it hurts, it really, really hurts, and right at this moment I’d give anything to be in your shoes but only because I have forgotten JUST how exhausting it is’
And it doesn’t get easier, it gets differently difficult. They reach adolescence and are moody and difficult, they go out at night to clubs and pubs and all you can do is pray they are safe and go out to pick them up at 3 in the morning because you know that if you do they will be safe and they don’t say ‘thanks’ just tell you what an embarrassment you are and they get into a relationship with someone who is abusive and you are on your knees 24/7 praying that they will see the light before there is a pregnancy…….. and then they get married and have kids and you wish you could give them your experience and wisdom through an I.V. because that will make life easier for them, but all you can do is stand by and watch. You see them totally exhausted and they won’t even let you take the night shift when you promise to bring the baby in for breastfeeding at the first whimper because they can’t bear to be separated. There is a whole new world of agony ahead of you. But I’d not be without them because the love, even when they are 20 and 30 and 40 and older is just as unconditional and just as intense, it’s just that you can’t really show it in the way you’d like to because they don’t allow it.
So very well said!!! I love my kids to the moon and stars and back and am grateful everyday for them both…..but it’s not all fluffy and pink and rainbows when you are a parent and we should be able to express exactly how we do feel on the hard days! I felt like the bad mother when I met friends and all they wanted to talk about was baby gadgets and swap weaning recipes and really I wanted to scream from the tree tops and talk about anything other than our kids!!! I thought I was abnormal even though I adore my family! As it turns out I think every parent wants to admit defeat and anger towards their kids but they feel they can’t!! Thanks for making me feel normal and not the worst mum ever xxx
Oh god I feel your pain!! My almost 7 month old has not slept through the night once and has only managed 3 occasions if going for 6 hours. She’s regularly feeding between every 2-3 hours during the night and my 4 year old usually joins me at some point during the night and performs his sleep gymnastics which include kicking me in the back!! Im tired
That’s funny. I can remember feeling so sad when my daughter went to 1st grade thinking how would I ever get through it when she was grown & gone. Well, by the time she was 15, I was counting down the days, hours, minutes, & seconds until she would be 18. Cripes. Kids are great, but tough. Parenting is a selfless job, but apparently necessary for the continuation of the human race. Try to savor the moments, but a always carve out some time for you & don’t feel guilty for it. Period. Good luck!
I have four of the little darlings, loved and hated every one of them, with four everyone thinks I must be Mother Earth, believe me I am not, love babies, as long as they are someone else’s, everyone coo’s and asks if it makes you broody, not at all, I take one look at the poor mum and remember how s@@t it felt being that tired and my ‘baby’ is 16, when you start to get enough sleep, the issues they come with just change, we wouldn’t turn back the clock and change our minds at all, but if we were Rogers we would chase the buggers away when we tire of them! Enjoy the giggles, know that every parent out there that is honest with themselves feels for you with the sleep depravation, and never beat yourself up for thinking arghhhh! You would defend both with your life if they were in danger, and sod all new wave parenting techniques, every parent finds the right way for them and their kids!
I have a 16 yo daughter and 12 yo son and any time I complain about anything they do I STILL get the “be grateful, they’ll be adults before you know it” comments. It makes me bat shit crazy. Like I don’t know that. If wveryone would take time to remember just how much they LOVED all the useless advice they received, mabet they might remember to shut it and let parents do the best they can.
My kids are 8,6 & 5 at the mo but when my youngest was born I had 3 little ones under 3. Tired is an understatement. I thought I wouldn’t survive. Oldest has ADD & still doesn’t sleep, the youngest is also more of the ‘busy’ personality. My mother was amazing help, The middle one is the only one who will settle to do something constructive. It’s Saturday today & the ‘busy’ 2 are running around squabbling unable to find anything to do regardless of both parents offering time, tasks etc. can’t wait for Monday when they’re in school, lol. If it was fine we’d be outside running around & they’d be happy! I’m grateful for them too & love them to pieces, not as bad now as when they were babies cos I can tell them to go back to bed at night without getting up myself, even if it is countless times!!! Hang in there, many women know how u feel xxxx
Yes totally agree and I don’t get why people can’t just say something supportive. Love this post- I have a 6 month old atm and am constantly sleep deprived I can’t imagine having 2 let alone more Jen XOXO http://www.Highheelsandbabywheels.com
So annoying! I just (on a good day that is) smile and say, ‘like they say, the years are short and the days are long.’ Sometimes snaps them out of their stupidity. Got that from someone who was being nice one day
Yes, Yes, and YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh man! This is great! I love the new wave of moms that are honest. I keep reminding myself to be that way even when someone gives me an evil eye when refering to my child as a dick or jackass. Some days he is! I refuse to paint parenthood in a pretty light if it isn’t. I would’ve sent you a message saying: kids are so fucking annoying! Being a parent is so fucking hard! I hear ya… Our neighbours have older teenagers and go out for cocktails late on Saturday’s and we rejoice inside knowing one day it will be us! Keep on keepin’ on momma!!!
THANK YOU for this piece.
Bordering on sleep-deprived hysteria and totally drunk on love for your children are not mutually exclusive. It’s part and parcel of parenting small children. I’m grateful for my little non sleeper and I wouldn’t change HER, but I’m totally allowed to miss my sleep and wish I could have more.
Being a borderline attachment parent, I also hate that some people think it’s not outrageously rude/dismissive/wrong to tell me my woes are all of my own doing. Similarly, I love the pros of my parenting style and for me they outweigh the cons, but that doesn’t mean that the cons don’t exist or that I can’t whinge about them from time to time. Especially after a particularly sleepless night. 😉
I don’t have kids, but I know how it feels to be sleep deprived, and worse, how it feels to be made like you’re bad or wrong for expressing you’re true feelings so you end up suffering in silence. You made such a good point of how dangerous it is, to not let people just say what they need to say without judging them. Just listen. Just be there. Laugh about it if possible (I can’t stop laughing at the bogan tag team comment I’m gonna remember that when I have kids). Anyway hang in there chick and thanks for sharing. I’d definitely bring yA some chocolate if I could.
You’ve written what I’ve been thinking! Baby Number 2 arrived just before Christmas, 8 weeks ahead of schedule. Ten weeks in and he’s only now like a new born. I just want a couple of hours to myself where I don’t have to think about feeding anyone (that includes my husband), washing clothes or entertaining a toddler who is ever so slightly put out that he’s not the the centre of attention any more. My husband made the comment yesterday that it’s easier this time around. Well of course it is. He sleeps through all the night feeds, is completely oblivious to the size of the washing pile/ need for the dishwasher to be loaded/ fact that he’s just finished the bottle of milk and hides behind the ipad when the two year old is trying to gain his attention. Love my boys completely, but it’s bloody hard work.
Mine are now 5 and 7, and I always said “tandem feeding” but “cluster bloody fucking feeding” sounds WAY more accurate!
You got this – you’re doing fucking awesome as a mom, and one day you’ll get your life back. And it’s a damn good thing they have such cute and sweet moments, because otherwise I’d’ve stuck them outside for the coyotes. (Not really, but of course it FEELS like that!)
Little shits. I love mine dearly. Doesn’t mean they aren’t little shits sometimes. And sometimes EVERYONE needs to Shut The Fuck Up and just go get me some ice cream, then take the children away so I can enjoy a bite or two on my own before it fucking melts all over everything.
I *so* get you. You fucking rock!!!
My son did not sleep through the night until he was SEVEN. I thought I would lose my mind and only have one. Our solution was to put a futon and blanket at the end of our bed where he would crash sometime in the night, and he wore footy PJ’s forever “just in case” he needed to be with us. At 32 he still is not the greatest sleeper, his best naps are on the hard floor. Go figure! HUGS, been there!
Oh God! I used to get this sort of thing all the time from my Mother. Over compensating for having zero patience with us when we were kids. Some days I just wanted to rip out her throat.
We had to bring our little guy to bed with us last month because he had a stomach bug so badly he wouldn’t stop throwing up and we were concerned he would do it in his sleep. That being said, 2 whole people and one half person apparently don’t fit into a queen sized bed like they should and I ended up sleeping at the foot of the bed with my legs up the side and my ass almost off the bed. If you could call it sleeping. I love my son, every inch of him but, that doesn’t mean I don’t contemplate locking myself in the bathroom just to get a moment to myself or remember all the time I used to spend just doing whatever I like. Our guy is two and loves being picked up and chased and doesn’t get when I try to say ‘hey bud, momma’s sore’. Be strong sister, I feel your pain and I don’t think you’d be normal without it
i am in my late 40’s with kids of 19 and 16 but still remember those nights and days like they were yesterday. I love the beautiful ladies my babies have turned into, but wouldn’t wish for those days again ever! All I can say, is good luck and sorry we all have to put up with that crap!
OMG, this made me laugh so hard. I feel you, sister!
I needed to read this today. I’ve got a cluster feeding moon moon monster who hates to sleep anywhere other than on me, and two o oal older boys. It’s hard, hard work and sometimes I feel very alone too. I am grateful for my no boys, more than I could ever express, but I’m right there with you!
Thank you!!
Have you read “GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP” a bedtime story for parents that every new parent should receive 😛 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G17wQR3DL0 here it is begin read out loud by Morgan Freeman….
Every so often I watch this to gain some perspective… and make me feel better about swearing in the middle of the night at a child who JUST WON’T SLEEP!
Ummm 4.30am and Im awake. I call my kids maggots #iamgrateful I love maggots!
My kid is 21. She still lives with me and I think she’s delightful. I loved raising her. AND SOMETIMES I WANTED TO KILL HER! (Not really, of course not … oh, I’m such an asshole … wait, no, *I was NORMAL and I was frustrated and overwhelmed!*)
She’s grown up now; I’m free of the responsibility to worry over and care for another humin being all by myself (single mom). I had her young–too young–but now I’m 40 years old, free of responsibility, old enough to be wise with my freedom, and I get to go out and do whatever the hell I want to. FOR THAT, I AM GRATEFUL!
You’re an amazing mother, I can tell from the way you write about dealing with them in the middle of the night. So yes, be gentle with yourself, inside yourself–you’re humin, and you’re in the thick of it right now! They’ll turn out great BOTH because of and in spite of your parenting. When you’re 50, boning their dad and playing like you’re 20 again (but smarter!), you’ll be able to take pride in yourself for all that you do right, and take pride in them for overcoming anything you might do wrong! Good luck!
Loved, loved, loved your entry. You said it like it is. I enjoyed reading every bit of it. As a mother of two little boys, I have my constant moments of gratitude, but that doesn’t mean I can’t blow off some steam every once in awhile. Even if those “Enjoy them now, this won’t last forever” comments are meant to be helpful (and I can certainly see the good intentions there), it does indeed pressurize mothers to bottle up their negative emotions and constantly project a happy-as-a-clam image to others. It’s as if we should feel guilty for ever having a negative thought or a frustrating moment with our children. It’s as if we should shove that negativity aside, instead of expressing it and letting it out. It’s as if we should be superhuman. But, come on, face it, we’re not. We’re just mothers, and we deal with the good, the bad, and the ugly. There is certainly no harm is expressing the whole range of colorful emotions that come along with parenthood! Thanks for the honest blog post. I’m not surprised so many mothers (and others) liked it. 🙂
Pingback: I am grateful, now fuck off. | LAB
OMG!!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, oh fucking thank you! 13yr old, 5yr old and 4month old – I love them to the ends of the earth, but this has made me laugh hysterically because it’s just so damn true! I’m going to eat an entire slab of choc right now to celebrate your blog! 🙂
My kids are now 11 and 15 and while I miss how cute and wonderful they were at that age, I can take a shower undisturbed, usually sleep all night, run to the store without having to find a lost shoe and deal with car seats. I think your post really echoes how hard parenting is and amen for saying it so others can feel the relief of honesty!
Fucking WORD
Bet you any money that the “be grateful” brigade were also insufferable when their kids were small. Some people are just insensitive and smug like that. My littlest is 4 now so life is beginning to seem a vague possibility again but I remember fully feeling the way you do right now. See you in the mosh pit in 15 years!
I am still living this wonderful, tiring, journey, I’m writing this after feeding my youngest as well. My older 2 don’t come into my bed so much these days, unless its 7am but even then I still get kicked around. And I don’t know how many times I have fallen asleep feeding, I nearly did it tonight and I was sitting up. I remember the cluster feeding, the no sleep during the cluster feeding, the waking every hour, the no sleeping through the day, then no sleeping again during the night. I most certainly don’t miss it, I don’t wish I could turn back time. I enjoy every moment with each of my babies, but some I don’t miss at all. Thank you for sharing xxxxx
Love this! I am nursing my 3 1/2 week old as her 4 year old brother and 2 year old sister run crazy… It’s a Twilight Zone season of life with as many tears as there are moments of laughter… It is hard and overwhelming and we DO bed to be honest about how tough it can be! Thanks for your candid post. I love my children, but it is a hard season. #iamgrateful
Oh man this is fabulous. You’re fucking fantastic!
OMG YES!!!
Reblogged this on mamamilkandme and commented:
I think this is so relatable and funny and real
girl, ,this is awesome!!!! well said!! i wish i could bring you chocolates!! more power to you!
Really great piece. Thank you for saying it. I also feel like it applies to life in general and the pathology of the positive thinking police.
Yes. So much, yes. You hit the nail on the head!! I have 4 boys and I love them to pieces… But there are days I’d like an hour to myself and never get it.. The last thing I want, is for someone to remind me to be grateful, when obviously I am. I just need a minute alone! I agree. Fuck off! Lol
Reblogged this on Vix's Blogalog and commented:
This is such a refreshing perspective on parenting! I imagine a lot of you out there will resonate with this lady!
I’ve just read this post while breaking my back to lean into my babies cot to pat his back for what feels like an hour to get him to sleep. This is the latest in a long string of new wants/needs to get him to sleep. And your post rings soooooo true!!! Just a little support from people and some honesty goes so much further than the patronising comments. I’m lucky I have brill friends who I can be open with, some people only have social media to reach out to people for reassurance. The ‘perfect child’ and ‘perfect parent’ don’t exist and if people are preaching they are normally bullshitting! Brill blog! X
My favorite is people telling you to just wait for the teenage years. Pretty sure any years are a pain in the ass.
Funny, when I tell people I have a daughter, they ask how old she is and I say “sixteen,” how many sympathetic shoulder pats and “Mate, I’m so sorry” type comments come my way! Teenagers are great. I’d rather have teenage drama than have to get up in the middle of the night to change someone’s pants!
Or to walk in to a kid with a brown hand wiping the back of the couch. I’ll take drama any day.
Yes!!!!! ^This! Thank fuck. #iamratefuljusttoofuckingtiredtoshowit
you rock!!! I am grateful that that part of my life is over … I’m in my 32nd year with a kid in my house, my baby is a senior. I tandem nursed him and his brother (who is now 19 and a sophomore in college). I don’t remember parts of the sixths I did that- guess I was too exhausted. Hats off to you and your eloquence. Strong work, well written.
Fabulous read and spot on! Made me laugh out load. Thanks for being so extremely honest and voicing how many of us mums feel. Brilliant xx
Hugs, because sometimes you just need one. I have just been through that the last few months too. It’ll get better, I hope. Lol.
I was up at 2am reading this coming off a night and day of cluster feeding of my newborn and praying that It wasn’t going to happen for a 2nd night in a row… and dealing with 2 shitty toddlers who refused to go to sleep till 9pm cutting into MY time.
You won’t believe how much it helped reading something real and not sugar
coating parenting !!!
THANK YOU. Hilarious. I have so much guilt when I feel those twinges of “wow I’m really tired”
? love this.
I have two boys who are 10 and 11, I remember these feelings well.. Brilliantly said. Obviously I’m years a head and have different normal issues.
Fake ass social media statues which only portray perfect happy action packed lives , aren’t living the perfect happy real action packed lives of us who tell the truth.
#iamgrateful
So much this! I struggled with loss and infertility for years and for that I’m supposed to be sunshine freaking rainbows 24/7 because I wanted this. Because never sleeping never gets to anyone. I have been pumping or nursing every 1-3 hours since my baby was born and placed in NICU. 9 months ago. Before that I was in the hospital trying to stave off labor & we all know how you sleep in those beds. So basically I’m running on 2-4 hours of sleep a night and coffee. I love my kids more than life itself I can’t even tell you. #iamgrateful
Oh my goodness. I couldn’t stop smiling, almost to burst out laughing. Because IT IS ALL SO TRUE!!!! You are absolutely right. I have one kid but having more than one, goodness. I can’t imagine. And yeah, it’s hard. I thought I was dying when I was breastfeeding. But that’s normal when you have kids. You do get nostalgic. Right now, I live in a little bubble because I’m just doing what I can every day. I LOVE YOURRR POSTTT. Post more 🙂
Well said! Thank you for this!
This made me laugh. I relate so well. Mr 7 months is coming off an illness so he’s up more than normal. I’ve done my neck in so I’m a little drugged up. Husband could sleep through the literal apocalypse, so I’ve still been up multiple times during the night. Do I wish I could get more than two hours of sleep in a single block? You betcha. Does that mean I don’t love my sons (the other is six) more than anything? No, because if I did, I wouldn’t get up, I’d just let them cry. Oh and now? I’m off to work. But that’s just another day in the life of this mum.
I’ve never been tempted to reply to one of these before that come up on my Facebook cause normally they just annoy me but thankyou!!!! I get this all the time too! I have a 4yo that was ivf and if I ever made a slight complaint I would get “be grateful!” As if I’m not grateful every minute…but down times it is hard! Also annoys me when people say you deserve something, when in actual fact you worked your ass off and earned it!
Thankyou so much for writing this it’s made my day.
OMG! Thank you. Can you follow this one up with a blog about “stop fucking apologizing!” Stop apologizing to me that you didn’t send the perfect snack to school, that you didn’t bedazzle your daughter’s jeans the right way, …. Why can’t we just sometimes say, I barely had time to remember to brush my teeth and the fact that there was a bake sale… I and am lucky I had time to go to dunkin donuts and buy munchkins!”
With my first one, after a month of being up every two to three hours all day long, I thought I was going to lose it. I actually left a nice hole in the wall where I kicked out because I was going bat shot crazy! My husband finally got the hint and would wake up for one of the feedings every couple of days. I loved my babies but now that they are 10 and 11 years old, I can honestly say I could not imagine starting over with another baby, I love my sleep too much. 😀
A-motherfucking-men sister. Amen.
Sincerely,
Full-time Working Mom with two kids under 4 who still don’t sleep through the night and scare the shit out of you when they show up mere inches from your face in the middle of the night like some sort of demon asking for a snack and what your favourite colour is at 3am after you just fell asleep after being up with the 1.5 year old…three times. Yes, that was one sentence. Peace out.
Well said. As a nurse in women’s health for 20 years I can say that being a mom is the hardest job ever! Lack of sleep, lack of support, lack of sanity and clean underwear to boot. Peace be with you.
2.5 years of my youngest not sleeping at night and not napping either and an older child who also never napped, means OH how I hear you. I hope I never get senile enough to tell anyone to “be grateful” for those years. Sure, they also had their amazingly awesome moments… I think…I’m not sure, it’s all a haze of sleep deprivation, but omg, they are so hard. I’m that person looking at the woman in the supermarket with unbrushed hair and suitcases under her eyes and a screaming baby yoinking things off the shelves and wanting to give her a hug and say “It doesn’t last forever, I promise. You’ll get there.”. So I’ll say it to you, too. You’ll get there. You’re not the only one (which I think you know!). It doesn’t last forever. One day your bed will be yours again. I hope it’s sooner rather than later!
You are brilliant. I’m retweeting/sharing this post in the vain hope that my wonderful friends will stop with the same well-meaning but so very bloody annoying response to my similar updates in the small hours.
Now would you like me to drop in some chocolate cos you’re just looking so restful and slim these days ?
Thank you for the laugh! I’m pretty sure a lot of those people are the same ones who like to say that when you’re pregnant, and miserable, and you dare to say something about it. “You should be thankful you’re pregnant and can have a baby”. Ah! Drives me nuts. Of course I’m thankful I’m going to have a baby. I’m also feeling pretty awful. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. This time around with a toddler it’s definitely harder.
Great article, but it is important to remember that those who are still not moms also have their own valid struggles and frustrations! I don’t get the “you should be thankful” yet , but talk to me about the “wait till you have kids!”.
Oh god yes, cluster feeding, I’d forgotten about that. I remember acutely the crying at 5am because I’ve had two hours sleep since the previous 5am and she still won’t go to sleep and begging a premature neonate to tell me what she wants and I’ll give her it, but just let me sleep. But I’d forgotten the Groundhog Day nature of cluster feeding, didn’t I just feed her 20 minutes ago, didn’t she just suck the other boob dry 20 minutes ago, oh weren’t we here doing this 20 minutes ago and repeat till 1am. Knowing I’d be up again at 3. Oh how I hated it. Oh how I had to have conversations with myself in the middle of the night, that vestiges of the rational adult part of my brain saying, she’s a four week old infant, she didn’t ask to be born, it’s not her fault, she’s not doing it deliberately. If anyone had told me to be grateful right then you would have heard me screaming from outer space.
Remember those Days!
Exhausted. If the baby didn’t wake me up, I panicked when I did wake up terrified of SID syndrome!
When I was 23 and had a baby, no one had ever written like you did. I was supposed to sit under a tree during the day, nursing the tiny, contented infant, happily smiling and then dance into the house and cook supper and clean and have baby on a schedule and then make mad monkey love at night. And my clothes smelled of sour breast milk, and I wanted a government grant for child abuse because the baby would scream for hours at a time and I was clutching the edge of my sanity with broken fingernails. And now he is 40 and off somewhere, but I will never, ever forget all those lies I was told. Because they made me feel like a bad mother. Yes, this is how you feel sometimes. Every woman who ever had a baby feels like this sometimes. And I am proud of you for admitting it. Good on you!
You are just brilliant.
I love, love, love this post, it is so true. I think FB totally makes it so hard to tell it like it is – motherhood can be the best and it can also be the worst at times but woe betide anyone that admits it!! Well done, cracking post thanks for writing it!
This. Is. Awesome.
I completely agree with this post. I have two kids of my own who I tried years for. I too get the “be grateful” and “they won’t be young for long, enjoy it while you can”. And yes, it made me feel like an asshole. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids to bits. But they have an innate ability to stress me the fuck out. Sometimes I’m like, you trashed the room. Okay. Other times I’m gently rocking myself, crying, wanting to tear my hair out. I post my frustration and get be grateful. I mean seriously, how can anyone think they we’re not thankful? Grateful? Bleh. I just wish people would stop spouting verbal diarrhoea and think before they comment. Every one has bad times. Kids, as lovely as they are, can be some of the biggest assholes in the world. People should be supportive. Not judgemental.
Kudos for saying what everyone is thinking.
Great writing – brought memories of the good ol’ days flooding back. Yes, the good ol’ days of not sleeping for more than an hour at a time, being so irrational from sleep deprivation torture that a trip to the supermarket was impossible without tears and then there was the guilt from not loving every minute of it. Sleep deprivation is shitful – it’s really bad for people and makes no sense to me from a biological point of view as you’d think people looking after small humans would need to be at their peak. Those good ol’ days were wonderful and terrible and sometimes tedious and for me a while ago now with only the teenage baby at home. Receiving unsolicited advice is so annoying, and I’m possibly about to be annoying. Maybe the ‘grateful suggesters’ are saying “I wish I’d been more grateful etc etc because I’ll never get those years back etc etc” or they could also be saying “I wish was brave enough to say how I honestly feel” or “I’m really confronted by the complexity of human experience and struggle with the coexistence of opposing emotions”. Or they might also be one of the rare breed who actually did sail through the baby years without a care (pfft, how irritating). At any rate, if the ‘grateful suggesters’ advice (or my advice) is not helpful just ignore it – you’ve got bigger fish to fry in raising the next generation.
I’m slightly out of the “be grateful” years with a 7 and a 4 yr old, but I remember them well and your words ring true even now. Your boys might be too small to tell you this, but I am sure they would if they could. It’s what my 7 yr old told me at bedtime: “You’re such a great Mummy!” Me: “Really? I do yell at you sometimes and I feel bad for it.” Miss 7: “Yeah, I don’t like it either but it all works out ok in the end and you ARE a great Mummy.” So next time you’re losing it with them, just remember that their opinion is the only one that counts, and I’ll bet despite your least graceful parenting moments, they feel VERY grateful to have YOU….
Preach it SISTA!! LOVE hearing all the honest comments from women. Yes.. we love our amazing children.. but parenting is so F-ing hard!!
totally true… I have a 11,8 ,5 year olds and a 2 month old… these were pretty much my exact thoughts when my 5 year old woke me at half 6 this morning… half an hour after I’d fed the baby and I was hoping for a couple more hours sleep 😉
It is hard when children don’t sleep and you are so tired you can barely function and you have so many other things to juggle as well. I think maybe a lot of parents whose children have grown up forget how hard it can be when you keep being woken up. I was lucky on that front really as it was only my middle on who did that and I was exhausted. She’s 19 now and is driving me insane with every glass, mug and plate in her room instead of the kitchen and clothes shoved in drawers all screwed up in a ball and the fact that she never remembers anything you ask her to do or moaning because someone ate the last cupcake and she wanted it. Each phase in their lives presents stressful times and as parents we just get on with it don’t we? I don’t miss the sleepless nights any more than I’ll miss this phase.
I don’t think I will ever forget how hard it was. Now my kids are grown up I find it difficult to make decisions about what I want to do, about what I want to eat about where I want to go. Only now do I feel I have the right to a life of my own and yes I am grateful too but my god was it hard sometimes and yes it goes fast. I have some regrets about not making the most of it at the time but that’s for me to work through not something I can use to bash someone else over the head with… You keep going love, retain your honesty and your sense of humour. X
I could have written this myself. Not as eloquently.. but the story is oh too familiar!
Solidarity mamas. X
well done, something we all go through and most of us say nothing and get on with it, with the shite comes the great some days are worse than others some are far better than we ever expected (or maybe they just actually follow the plan for once), and yes society does make it hard for all parents/care givers its like you are not allowed to be human you have to be this magazine person with a super human/alien ability to be happy every day so that you don’t reflect any negative vibes onto the next person creating a snowball affect, maybe if everyone stood up and side, yes I love my children but they are monsters today, yes I am greatful for my children but they just ran a much in town causing yelling and screaming from me and them, yes I think my children are beautiful even tho they have just drawn all over a friends/shop/home walls with vivid! Stand up and be realistic people life is too short to be anything else and you are doing no one a favour least of all the little munchkins you are raising, otherwise what will happen should they become parents and discover its not all peaches and cream
Thank you. I’m a mum-to-be and I know it’s going to be hard, but no idea just how hard I’m sure. I’ve had the “enjoy your last weeks of sleep/freedom/peace” or “you’ll know what I mean soon”. None of that made me feel supported. But hearing you be honest, and the overwhelming ‘hear, hears’ makes me think, ‘ok it’s going to be tough. I’m going to have moments when I want to break things. But like you who is leading the way for me who is blind, I will keep reaching out and asking for support and understanding and hopefully practical help. And I will survive it because all those people on that blog said they did.” Thank you again.
Oh the comments you hear in pregnancy are the worst aren’t they? And they’re not even true.
I can tell you that you’ll be overwhelmed with love – either when you first hold them, or a week later, or a month later. And it will be a wonderful, exciting, terrifying, overwhelming but awesome journey. There will be days when it fucking sucks so hard, but others when it’s just totally fucking awesome.
Some unsolicited advice that you can feel free to ignore: Ask for support, build a community of mums, and don’t do it alone. Take the meals! I felt awkward about taking food, but totally take any food that people make you. Breastfeeding makes you super hungry all the time. I basically ate like canned stewed tomatoes once because I was so hungry but was too tired to cook!
And if you ever need an ear feel free to email me 🙂
Thank you for putting into words how I’ve felt for a long time. People don’t get it, sometimes you need to just get it out! This post was the most amazing thing I’ve read and #iamgrateful but sometimes I miss being able to go out during the week and having food to myself. God Speed Mama! Keep up the good work!
Hi there
Yes I’m grateful. For the sleep i almost get from the hours of 4am to 700am.
at 44 you don’t question or respond to the voices in your head on a sleep deprived night. Lol. As i read your blog my 14 month old is banging the tv remote into the gas heater and smiling at me. It’s 545am?…
My partner and i were cruising through life and at 41 and 42 respectively. Good jobs good house good friends and food life.
You don’t realize just how insignificant material things are until toy hold a tiny human with the same blood type and genes as you. Nothing else matters. Not work not your friends nothing. Not one god dam thing can replace a bear hug from a crying babe.
Don’t despair when they’re in their 20’s life to them is the world outside not the home within. There just fond memories.
Being a parent again at 44 had made me realize one important thing. ..
FAMILY IS EVERYTHING
So next time a sleep deprived thought of anger or frustration creeps in, be resolute in the fact that it will soon be over. Take comfort in the fact that soon your babe’s will feel exactly the same way your feeling right now. ..?
Bushlandtom
This made me smile so much. The picture you posted should be shown to parents during pre-natal courses, with the tag-line: “Deal with it.”
I don’t know if this is how people felt in the past, or if it’s a consequence of modern living, where both parents work, and you’re expected to be switched on 24/7. It is utter fucking bullshit, because it feels like that as society has progressed, we’ve forgotten how to figure out the most basic of tasks which is reproduction and all activities there of.
Being honest, my mother has been the most understanding person: always tells me how tired I look; always asks how busy we must be; any time we visit, she tells us to go upstairs and have a nap; gives free dinners when possible. And my mother-in-law minds both of ’em 3 days a week while we’re at work. And for that – I am ever so grateful.
But keep strong. We’re all there with you, and we welcome your suffering and share and rejoice in it together, and we’ll all laugh about it when we’re shit-faced at our kids’ graduations.
Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!!!
This is the best thing I could have stumbled across today. Today I woke up weepy after another night, 7 months in, of being woken every 2 hours. I instantly feel guilty now when my sleep-deprived emotions get to me; when I resent my partner for being able to *always*, *always*, sleep through the night; when I feel frustrated with my little human for waking *again*, etc. I work with a terminally ill child for a living, so that raw, gut-wrenching “take nothing for granted” vibe is strong. Today, I felt like a failure for having an emotional (feeling sorry for myself and simultaneously ashamed of myself for not better pulling off having to mother full-time, work part-time, keep house, try to cloth diaper, make own baby foods, dispense milk on demand, etc.). This article made me realize a huge portion of that guilt is reinforced by (if not triggered by) the perpetual “Enjoy it while it lasts” and “be grateful” ideals. Thank you for helping me see, that ALL parents experience these so-called negative emotions in regards to the daily nitty-gritty, and that IT’S OKAY!!! We are human, we experience emotion, we are imperfect and sleep-deprived, and still doing a beautiful job. We can love our kids and recognize our blessings while still acknowledging that things aren’t easy and we don’t have to be as solid as a shiny, smiling rock all the time to be doing our bests or to be pulling this motherhood thing off. Thank you for restoring my conce
Yes!! Yes!!! Yes!!!
This is the best thing I could have stumbled across today. Today I woke up weepy after another night, 7 months in, of being woken every 2 hours. I instantly feel guilty now when my sleep-deprived emotions get to me; when I resent my partner for being able to *always*, *always*, sleep through the night; when I feel frustrated with my little human for waking *again*, etc. I work with a terminally ill child for a living, so that raw, gut-wrenching “take nothing for granted” vibe is strong. Today, I felt like a failure for having an emotional (feeling sorry for myself and simultaneously ashamed of myself for not better pulling off having to mother full-time, work part-time, keep house, try to cloth diaper, make own baby foods, dispense milk on demand, etc.). This article made me realize a huge portion of that guilt is reinforced by (if not triggered by) the perpetual “Enjoy it while it lasts” and “be grateful” ideals. Thank you for helping me see, that ALL parents experience these so-called negative emotions in regards to the daily nitty-gritty, and that IT’S OKAY!!! We are human, we experience emotion, we are imperfect and sleep-deprived, and still doing a beautiful job. We can love our kids and recognize our blessings while still acknowledging that things aren’t easy and we don’t have to be as solid as a shiny, smiling rock all the time to be doing our bests or to be pulling this motherhood thing off. Thank you for restoring my confidence today by reminding me that this is part of the deal, and talking about or showing your less than Fairy-Godmother moments is okay – and even valued by other parents! Thank you!!!
Maybe those that say be grateful are those that were never blessed with the issues that come with having babies because they couldn’t have babies. Personally I was never given that blessing and I have stopped asking why and maybe it’s easy to say be grateful when you’ve never had to go through it but have your whole life longed to. For me hearing those that were blessed with children talk about the hardships that come with is as irritating as it is for you to hear be grateful. I don’t disagree that it’s tough and that parents need support but you at least got to make the choice.
Fucking yes! That’s all I have to say 🙂
Thank you. I have been told not to share stories of my daughters tantrums because it makes me look bad.
amen to that sista!! I don’t know where you live or who you are but happy to come look after your kids for you so you can have a rest!!
I feel like this everyday and like you I am sooo over the “be grateful, it’ll be over too soon” comments. Especially when they’re from people I know who feel the same as me, people who want to scream or hide in a bathroom. Honesty is so important in parenting, knowing you can let out what needs to be let out without the patronising holier than thou responses from people who you know feel the exact same freakin way but oh no you shouldn’t say it!! Argh I will be sharing this thread with such people.
Perfection. X
Go you guys! My kids have kids now and I’m darn happy at my age (sob! 65 this month!) that I can give back my grandkids after a night, or day, to recover! The excema, the colic, sleeplessness of my babies, along with my post-partum depression did not make for pleasant memories. But the little smiles, hugs when older and, now, knowing I musta done a good job as they’re good parents, makes the hard times worth it for me. But each must travel her own journey, with support (I didn’t have much) and love. All the very best to you all in this roller-coaster ride that is parenthood, love n hugs.
Yes! All of this! My pet hates are “Now the fun starts!” or “You just wait til they’re walking/talking/at school/teenagers!” said with a knowing smirk and a kind of sadistic glee. Drives me batshit crazy.
Just found your blog and love it! I tend to warm to people who tell it like it is. My kids are old now but I can totally relate to where you’re coming from. I clearly remember telling my husband one particularly bad night that if he didn’t take the baby for a while and let me get some sleep I would throw it out the window. I’d like to think it was some psychotic state caused by lack of sleep that made me say it.
Oh my god I couldn’t agree more.
I won’t miss the being so tired I want to cry, (or do in the shower) random biting when breastfeeding or nappy explosions so gross you can’t decide if it’s better to just cut the outfit off or if it’s worth spreading crap through bub’s hair.
High Ten!!! Absolutely perfect. Mine are grown, and now have these same days themselves. I get it!
Reblogged this on Flamidwyfe's Blog and commented:
Don’t read if you’re offended by bad language, LOL… This momma NAILS it!
God, you are awesome! The way people look at me when I say I hate being a mum. I always have to follow it with “dont get me wrong, I love my kids”. Why is it that the people that should understand the most are the ones that judge the hardest. Or maybe they just had ridiculously easy babies? Or they hard the most difficult babies on the planet therefore everyone else has absolutely no right to complain. Who knows? All I know is that you put into words exactly how I feel everyday, and for that I’m grateful!!
Oh honey, my four can at least dress and feed themselves now but I’m not sure it’s gotten any easier. Just the challenges have changed. Now it’s back talk and not being able to see the floor for weeks at a time.
It being 10pm and my 17month old still isn’t asleep and I’ve not eaten or sat down since we got home, plus he did it yesterday, I totally relate to this post. It bloody hard being a parent. I love my son but don’t they use sleep deprivation as torture? I feel totally tortured. I’ve not slept for years and years!! (Least that is what it feels like) *sigh x
Hell yeah!! Mine are 15 and 20 and that comes with a whole world of different stuff!! I also came to understand why they sleep deprivation as a form of torture!! Yeah we are all grateful but it’s okay to still be grateful for at least 3-4 hours of undisturbed sleep!!
Ha ha, I am in my mid sixties and I am ‘grateful’ for all the wonderful years I have had… However I am not desperate to need to miss having what you so describe as ‘true motherhood’… I’ve been down that road and I am sooooo grateful that my children are grown and leading their own lives… I am ‘grateful’ for having had those times and the good times with them however I am not silly enough to wish for them to return… I lead a very independent life full of new meanings. I travel and stay for long periods in SE Asia and am grateful that I made it through those other times (cause one of us is definitely lucky, maybe my children or me!) and we all survived… I would say to other mothers if they asked me to be grateful, ‘Get a Life’… Good luck and look forward to getting to the other side… <3
I feel your pain. The only way we got our 3 year old out of our bed was to put a mattress underneath it and pull it out every night. Most mornings we woke up to her on the mattress, sometimes woken up by an elbow in the head (where she was quickly put onto the floor mattress) and some mornings (rarely) she was in her own bed. She is 11 now, soon to be 12, and we still have the mattress and it still comes out at times (I know, I know she is too old to be sleeping on our floor but you know what, if she still needs that, and it doesn’t disturb my sleep then I don’t care). Good luck with the spit milk/poo/vomit combos.
Nobody told me how HARD it is to be a parent. I too am so very grateful for my kids (3 boys, two of which are twins) and I totally agree with you. Some times it is sooooo hard, and if we can’t talk about it, how can we learn to cope and know that others are going through the same thing? You go girl! Tell them to shut the F— up. We can be exhausted, frustrated, and overwhelmed, and still be grateful.
Some people should just be grateful that they’re not within punching/throwing range when they tell you to be grateful 🙂
Love this so much! 1st time mum. Sick baby, followed by colic, reflux, screaming 24-7, cluster feeding, didn’t sleep for longer than 40 mins day or night baby for 6 months & still doesn’t sleep at night, but now I’m back at work & it has been so hard & people just don’t tell the truth & when I’ve been honest with people… Thankyou
This. Is the gospel of Mama. Preach it, sister.
I have always called this “parent amnesia”. Older Parents, especially parents forget how hard it is having kids. They forget what it’s like to have little ones. Hell even my brother and and sister in law who have teenagers have completely forgot what it’s like to have kids. They even make shit up like “my kid never cried and our house was always clean.” ” my kids slept through the night why don’t yours?” No they didn’t! I was there to. Those kids were just as bad as mine if not worse. Your parent and grandparents are the worst though. They have complete amnesia. My grandmother had four kids all close in age and she says they never touched the walls or spilled food or anything. Bullshit! Parent amnesia strikes again!
A post that rings so true! I have always loved and always will love my daughter but I didn’t actually like her till she was almost one and learned how to sleep for longer than 45 minutes at a time. I get it. I am grateful, she’s my only child but I couldn’t say that I didn’t like her to anyone after my mother almost disowned me when I confided in her. #iamgrateful
Well said! I am 53…going on 530…i had 4 under 5 by the time i was 26..the last two a twofer deal ..i will never forget wanting to walk into the horizon with a bottle of anything and never come back . I was sick of those people crapping on about how lucky i was…i knew i was ..i also knew i was on auto pilot and beyond bloody tired.. yes they grow up..no it is not quick…there’s kinder school high school uni work romances …all taking chunks of your broken spirit with you…i love my kids and at 32,30,28 and 28..they are almost grown up….but i tell you this…i have my life now…and if people think it’s selfish well tough titties..i busted my gut without any help from family apart from hubby..and when my little sister..an older mum tells me how she feels about her little ones i have the decency to tell her…listen they are all jerks..and they never grow up and will always until you die give you the shits…it’s what they do…there is no comparing the love you feel for them..but for the love of god they try your sanity at ever turn 🙂 hugs Fozziemum
Reblogged this on For My Love Of Books and commented:
This is such a great blog post on being a parent and dealing with other people’s attitude.
Hmm maybe some of those be grateful parents can do something for you to be grateful for like have your kids for a bight of even just a few hours through the day so you can get some sleep. Then you would be so grateful LOL I know I have 7 kids and I am grateful for every one of them but sometimes I just wish they would all fuck off so I can have some me time. To remember who I am and what it is like to go to the toilet or shower in peace . To have a day when I am not woken up at 5 am by them fighting , to have a phone conversation with out once hearing MUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM yelled at the top of their voices or telling them to be quite I am on the phone. The one thing I am really grateful for is one day they will grow up move out of home and have kids of their own who I can spoil rotten and hand back and I can say to them be grateful they are not like you where LOL
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA. Spot on.
I love this. You have said all the things I want/wanted to say to those ‘do-gooders’. My youngest is nearly 4 now, but currently going through a waking stage, and it’s so tricky to not want to rip someone’s arm off & beat them with the sticky end when they tell you it’s ‘only a phase’ at 3am. I empathise, I sympathise, I admire. Stick with it girlie.
I have said this many times to parents who seem to be overwhelmed at times and yes, I do have an older child (teenager), who has thrown a few curve balls at me. I know what I was trying to say to people, ‘Be Grateful’ it is simpler right now, but we also don’t want you to smother them in their sleep for fear of them growing up. Your network right now will never be bigger, stronger and more unified as it is right now. These all start dropping and dwindling as your family grows. In my experience people are not as honest about talking or posting challenging photos of their teenage children in situations that plague many parents of teenagers and young adults. We won’t stop reminiscing every time you post a photo of your child sleeping at 3:00am, with the caption ‘Finally, this only took three hours!’ We are probably thinking how lucky you are, you know where your child is right now.
Thank you for being sooooo normal. When I talked about the challenging side of having a bub when we first came home from hospital, rather than overwhelming love (that we felt but though was self explanatory because it is our child) people assumed I had postnatal depression and was going to crawl under the bed with the cats and never come out. All I needed was someone to acknowledge how hard parenting is at the same time as being the best thing I have ever done.
I hear you Peta. I have said at a playgroup before – “Don’t you just feel like running away sometimes?” and the older parent who was running the group acted like I’d just shit on the floor! She said it was a sign of depression. Another mother said – “well I must have depression because I feel like that every night at 2am!” Parenting is wonderful and shit.
You just told the story of my life! And it’s even more irritating when it is those closest to you. Solidarity fellow Mama! May our journey get easier!! Hopefully!!!!!
Awesome
I just want to say Thanks for posting this! I know just how you feel with all of it 😉 I have a 6yr old a 4 yr old and 3 week old!
A friend shared this on Facebook. I value her posts and her personal comments because she is as open and honest as I feel I am myself. This had me laughing because you got it exactly right. And even though those lovely people who are trying to help and trying to make us see the value we have in front of our eyes, it’s not their place to tell us. And it’s a subtle form of mummy bullying. But it’s also another thing we just put up with. And later (mine another are 7 and 8) it becomes thank fuck I got through that. But even now, for me, if one wets the bed or gets me up for some reason. I’m not immediately grateful for it. I think…fucking hell I’m supposed to be allowed to sleep now! ? one day.
You’re doing a good job. That’s what I liked to hear…. you’re doing a good job.
One thing I learned, probably the best thing, from Transactional Analysis Therapy is that IN ANY SITUATION if someone tells you how they feel the first thing is to respond with empathy. “That must be difficult,” “I know how you must feel,” “That sounds hard,” “I hear how sad (mad, unhappy, irritated, frustrated, etc.) you are.” Once you respond with empathy and reflect back the feeling the person is sharing, then the person feels heard and can move on from that. If the person does not feel heard, they can become stuck at that point and not able to move on to gratitude, or humor, or forgiveness or to solutions, etc. This is like “Being Human 101” and I wish we could all learn this elementary lesson in being. One of my greatest wishes in life is that we could all learn this one thing.
Oh I’ve been there & have shared it all on Facebook, good & bad, have had those be grateful comments & I totally agree with everything you say. We’re through it now, had 2.5 years of sleepless nights & bed sharing, there were nights where I felt I was going insane & nights where I just watched my little man fast asleep on my pillow, listened to him breathing & smelled his gorgeous baby smell. I miss those days already, I never thought I would! Just last week he was poorly & appeared at the side of the bed in the middle of the night, well I pulled him in & hugged him so tight until he fell asleep. It was heavenly but my god has he grown since the last time he was sick & in our bed!! I imagine 20 years down the road I’ll be replying to similar parenting posts with “Enjoy every second of it” because now that we have our bed back we realise how amazing it was that we had these extra hours with our little guy that we would have missed had he been in his little cot on his lonesome!! I just love looking at sleeping children, I sometimes sit with my son after he’s fallen asleep & wonder what he’s dreaming, so peaceful & cosy looking under his little duvet.
Thank you so much for this post. My kids are teenagers now and I can honestly say, as the second was twins, that I don’t miss those days, they are hard, a part of yourself as a woman is lost and it can be damn hard to get back and once you do, you do not yearn for a time when your self was somehow mixed in with the boob milk and zombie nights! Hang in there!
More honesty needed, I think, rather than the competition and boasting that goes on in what’s meant to be a “support network”. You also get people who play the guilt card, about how some people struggle to conceive or miscarry, to make you feel REALLY shitty and ungrateful. I know exactly how you feel. It’s f***in’ hard. Don’t pretend it isn’t, older parents, just because you’ve forgotten how hard it was!
Love this x I was told I couldn’t have any kids at 15yrs old so I had planned my life around that until …. I was blessed with 4
I love my kids and yes I’m grateful but mums are only human
I get looks when my youngest proudly tells people I’m mummy’s little monster with a huge smile on her face yep she is but she is loved and she knows it
My kids range from 21 to 4 yrs and they all have their not so becoming “pet” names my diva my nerd my feral and my lil monster they have given me joy , heartache , dramas, nightmares etc and I wouldn’t change a minute of it but I have, I do and will continue to do have my moments where I’ll bitch about something they have said , done or not done and it doesn’t make you any less grateful just human 🙂
I scream and shout and sometimes just go to the toilet pretending to poo(sorry for the overshare!) just to have a good cry on my own. But even that gets interrupted. And yes I am GRATEFUL for these two little monkeys I’ve created but does it mean I’m LESS GRATEFUL if I moan about being sleep deprived, have a messy house 30hrs a day(for real) and not being able to wear light coloured clothes cos it will get covered in either snot, sick or poo!!!! Love the article, only a GRATEFUL mother can write that:) We will survive this ladies……solidarity all the way!X
Wow wow wow that was the best article I have read in a long time. It was so raw and honest…. Totally understand everything you said too. My youngest would scream all night and I would sit and rock him and rock him wishing he would just go to sleep… I would literally be sleep rocking lol. And as for the bed it doesn’t get any better. 9 and 13 years old and still sneaks in through the night grrrrrrr….. The 9 year old likes to kick and roll around… The joys of parenthood NOT! Love my monkeys though 🙂
Thanx again for a great read it brought back many shitty memories hahaha
I get it, I really do understand. I’m also at that slightly nostalgic, sort-of-forgotten-how-ridiculously-hard-it-is time of my life where my youngest child is 20. I’m sure I’ve probably said some of those things that come off as condescending and I don’t mean to. I think those comments come from a place of “don’t worry, it WILL be better someday” and “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you WILL sleep again.” Hang on, Mama! I’m glad that you love them and are grateful for them. I also send good wishes for an undisturbed night of sleep soon and no panic in the morning that they must be dead since they didn’t wake you. (I know that was always my go-to answer.) Hugs!
I feel exactly the same but could never have expressed it so well or politely. ☺ My son is my world and I feel so very blessed to have him. In fact I feel like he is my little moracle (due to the issues surrounding my health during pregnancy etc) but I dont need to be told to be grateful everytime I express how im feeling while I am covered in baby spew or so tired my eyes hurt. I am grateful every moment of every day for him.. Thank you for writing what so many of us have been thinking and feeling. You go mumma, u rock!
OMG!!! AMEN!!! I only have the one cranky shit to deal with, so I should “be grateful” for that, but guess what? It’s still super hard!!! I have a 6 week old in the midst of the early evening “witching hour” “purple crying” stage, and am pretty over people telling me “it gets better” because it’s not bloody better now!!! Also sick of people telling me what a good job I am doing, because sometimes it really doesn’t feel like I am, and you know what, that’s Ok, because I am doing the best that I can. ALSO, really over everyone saying that I should get some sleep, when she’s sleeping….well sorry, even though I have been up since the crack of dawn, I do get my second wind, and don’t always feel sleepy at 1pm when my head is buzzing with all the things I need to get done, while I actually have a second to myself, because hallelujah she is actaully asleep!!!…
Now, Thank you SO much for your awesome article, I am actually VERY GRATEFUL you wrote it ?
This is brilliant I have 4 little terrors, eldest 11 youngest 2 and twins in-between at 6…. I swear I haven’t had a full nights sleep since way before I have birth to my first!! Oh how I miss my bed!! I think it’s so important to be able to open and honest about all aspects of parenting, we are all externally greatfull for the joy our children bring but that doesn’t mean we are not exhausted, snot covered, vomit stained, poop wipers that do occasionally daydream of not being xxx
I’ve had 3 babies, and 3 lots of post-natal depression. It was tough, it was incredibly, ridiculously tough. But my eldest is 21 now and fending for himself, #2 son has just been accepted to uni, youngest is amazingly bright and my friend as well as my daughter. We all survived 🙂
You’ll get there, honest xx
PND is the worst; I had it after my first but it wasn’t diagnosed. After getting it worse with my second – and figuring out that’s what I’d had first time round, I decided, no more. And I don’t think I’ve ever fully got over it – I’ve never felt as mentally strong again. I used to be tough, now I stress and worry over everything. I’d stand up for myself, now I’ll do anything to avoid conflict. I have to work either from home or in a quiet environment. Couldn’t deal with any kind of aggressive/noisy/busy work environment. But I do feel, with these limitations, life’s passing me by.
Love this and how true. Although my boys are mostly out of the house, the youngest is 14, I’m having the same feelings as my husband has been having major health issues and has just gotten home after 3 weeks mostly in the hospital. So I’m grateful and a bit resentful w/ what I’m expected to do. Hang in there!
So refreshingly wonderful that you are not afraid to speak the truth! I am a mum of 4 …youngest 16 months I remember the insanity of sleep deprivation…still happens from time to time. I know the desperate craving for a shower, to finish a cup of hot coffee or a meal and to have a few hours of uninterrupted sleep!! A toilet stop on my own wouldn’t go astray either! I am grateful! But I’m also hearing you! Message to all those mums out there with good intentions ….your words can cut through like a knife! be careful what you say! If your not being uplifting then don’t speak… It’s not helpful! ?
Thank you. I needed to hear that…. 61 year old Meemaw with two grown children and 3 grandsons. Being a mom was the hardest thing I ever did in my life!
My children weren’t keen for sleeping in the day when they were tiny. I figured that was OK as long as they slept all night, which they mostly did. Now they are teenagers and I’m a single working-full-time mother it’s all I can do to get us fed and clothed some days. Hang in there. You’re doing an awesome job.
‘…It leads to parents walking into parenthood without any idea of how hard some moments, some days, can be…’ -I don’t have any children and I don’t think I will for various reasons, one simply being that I just have never really wanted them (I’m 35).
I love hearing about my friends’ children though, but I don’t what’s wrong with my friends, but I hear more about sleepless nights, sick and poo, children who are not eating well, or are difficult to potty train etc. My friends are definitely NOT selling parenthood to me, and the image that I have is not a romantic image at all. I know they’re happy and they must experience a lot of great moments and feel very grateful, but I generally hear a lot of complaining, mostly about exhaustion.
Anyway, I always say to them: ‘this too shall pass’. My thought is that it both acknowlegdes what they’re going through, but also gives them hope for the future. After reading this, I hope I’m saying the right thing!
Thank you so much! I’ve been really sleep deprived and really grumpy for a while now and keep feeling guilty about it. Reading this has made me feel much better. Fuck it! I can be grateful and tired!
Just remember, for all the young moms and moms-to-be; Everything is a phase. Sometimes those phases really suck. It’s the simple preciouse moments that get you through. Hang in there!!!
I am not ashamed to say that I enjoy my children much more now that they are 11 and 14. Much more than when they were very little and I was exhausted beyond belief, shitty, smelling of child related substances, and looking like crap*. And on top of that feeling guilty not enjoying that frustrating messy circus as much as everyone told me I should. I was never able to express my feelings at the time as articulately as you have done now. Bravo to you, for your honest writing. Hang in there for the long game, when all the shitty parts will be more or less forgotten; there is still so much good to come.
* I still get shitty, tired, smelly, and look like crap sometimes, but I do it on my own terms dammit!
Omg cannot express how much I love this blog. Yes yes yes! I only have one terror…n I love him to pieces I really do n I never like to be one of “those moms” that are constantly slagging off how bad their own children are. My boy is 3….he’s sweet, polite, eats well n plays nicely…he’s a gem but every night without fail at 1.30am he toddles out of his room.n will starfish my bed with the best of them.i don’t like setting bad habits of sleeping in my bed so I turn him round put him back in bed. Just start to nod off n 2.30 n he’s back wanting cuddles. Turn him round back in bed. 3.30am n I’m gettin ratty “bed now” n march him. 4.30 I don’t even get up…”BED!!!!!!!!!!” He sleeps til 7.30 n is up bright as a button. Every night….every night without fail he gets up at least once. I’m a single mom too so try to be strong but sometimes ure just like FFS! I love you…love that you want cuddles but seriously “I just want sleeeeeeeeeeeep waaaaaaaaa”
Okay so you will probably think I am a turd but here it is. I feel for you, it can be an awful time but here is the other side. I am 51, I have raised my 3 kids and done my time but with today’s society and everything on Facebook and people seeming to need to be validated on their every emotion, I just don’t want to know how hard it is having kids. So, do I remove myself from Facebook altogether and miss out on other things that involve family and friends that interest me or try and be sympathetic although not in the way you want. We went to play group and talked to other mums who were in the same situation which was a good outlet, the thing with FB is there is a very broad cross section of ages so therefore everyone is involved instead of perhaps just the target group you are relating to. Good luck, I enjoyed your post. 🙂
Well you could view it as people needing to “be validated on their every emotion” or you could just have empathy for others and let them talk about how they’re feeling. If you don’t like it doesn’t it make more sense for you to leave Facebook rather than police the thoughts of young mothers who are probably more isolated than you? The fact that you say you ‘did your time’ as if parenting is a prison sentence is probably something you should reflect on and think about whether you have more in common with today’s mums than you think.
It all comes down to whether you give people the help they need or the help you feel a need to give them.
If you can’t do the first, at least refrain from doing the second.
hun I know exactly how u feel, I hv a beautiful 10 month baby girl, who is my world… But I just want 20 min to myself, every few hours, without her grabbing my legs n wanting to be carried, fed or cuddled constantly by me… I’m grateful for her, but I just wish she wud stay n play with her grandparents for a while n leave me alone for a bit…
(Ps, I hv the nighttime sorted as my hubby has been doing the night duty with her since the day she was born)
I have sooooo been here and am about to be again! One of these days I’m going to be brave enough to directly tell off people who give me the “be grateful blah blah” bullshit. I hope you find some sleep soon – and if not, you have found empathy and understanding here.
Ha ha great post. I was lucky as both my children were fairly good sleepers but I do recall the sinking feeling in my stomach when I suddenly sensed someone standing next to my bed & I knew it meant I would have to open my eyes & get up to deal with whatever crisis they might be having , be it a wet bed or nightmares either way it meant it would be quite some time before I would get to snuggle back into bed
However right now I can seriously feel your pain as I was hit by a car while riding my bike a couple of weeks ago & my nights consist of me wandering around the house trying to find some position where the pain is less intense & I can just get a couple of solid hours sleep 🙁
Being a parent of kids of any age is hard work but the kind of work changes. You WILL get your body back one day and the only person pawing you will be their father (and you might actually have the time and energy and inclination to welcome it.). There is always a phase they and you are going through. Going through peri-menopause with a teen girl in puberty was not fun. Hormones have a lot to answer for! I have an almost 20yo daughter still at home and a 12yo son going through puberty. He’s pretty chilled really but I can’t help waiting for him to be difficult – because so many people keep telling me he will be! Can’t I just enjoy how relaxed and happy he is? Must I be warned that it won’t last? Completely different as babies, she was low maintenance (I was told so many times how lucky I was and how grateful I should be) but son made up for that in his early years, and if I didn’t already feel like a failure for not getting him to sleep, not eating a balanced diet etc, there was always someone with well meaning advice. Nope, sorry none of that works with my kid but so glad it works for yours. My own advice to any expectant parents is to ignore the advice, do what you’ve gotta do that’s right for you and your family. Your parenting choices are not a judgement of someone else’s (as I keep telling my mother, just because I don’t parent the same way you did, does not mean I think you did a crap job!). Sometimes, I AM nostalgic for those newborn baby days, but then I roll over and go back to sleep! Keep up the good work, mama. The silent majority is behind you, NOT criticising and NOT commenting and NOT telling you to be grateful!
Grandmum to six – have the babies (newborn to 8) stasyvthe night quite often and takes a fucking week to get over it! You bet you ass you are entitled to feel grumpy, mean, exhausted and ant other damn thing you want. I don’t know if it gets better or of you just get used to it. You do get through it and you get about ten years of being able to breathe and then you get the next – fabulous but. Exhausting – generation. Good luck!
You’re quite wonderful Marie!
Oh thank god I’m not the only one! My son is the apple of my eye and I am so greatful he is here but somedays that little apple goes rotten. Just this morning I got told off by a young,childless couple for walking away from Mr 2 at the shops mid-meltdown and I mean a throw myself down on the ground screaming and kicking kind of meltdown. It didn’t help that last night I shared our king size bed with a sleep ninja and got about a nanosecond of fitfull sleep.
I hear each and every one of you, I am now a grandmother of 6. If I was able to, I would love to go to each of your houses and make a meal, clean up a bit, look after the little ones and generally give you a couple of hours each, to catch up on sleep, or whatever it is that you would like. If only…….
If only we could all adopt you as our grandmother Julie!
I groaned (in sympathy) and laughed and just wanted to say – I’m one of the ones with ‘grown ups’, sadly not retired. I feel like I’ve been tired for about 25 years – you kind of get used to it but it still sux. I see my daughters ‘tired as’ parenting littlies and gawd, I hope I don’t proffer useless comments like this 🙂 Hang in there, there is a lovely window when they’re in the mid-upper primary school years which are good … before teenagers LOL PS: my challenge is the rotating door – you know, adult children moving out … then back (with partners and/or babies/toddlers/children) … I’m grateful when I have the house to myself for a solitary hour 😀
Someone give this woman an award! And a fucking bourbon! lol
Amen sista!! Took the words out of my head!
OMG!!!! TOTALLY LOVE!!!! this post!! Could totally relate to it. My kids are 5yrs and 3yrs now and still drive me crazy!! I had a book for my first for feeds, baths, nappy changes and so on cause I was that sleep deprived!! My second was alittle easier.. But wouldn’t change any of it for the world!! Stay strong all you awesome ladies!!
Absolutely brilliant!! Good on you for having the courage to say what you want to – often I feel like I am wading through mud just to get through the day and I want to put a post on Facebook along those lines but cannot be arsed for fear that some ‘do gooder’ will have something ‘positive’ to say. All I want to hear is someone say – parenting can be shit, if your kids get to the end of the day alive and you are still semi sane you have done well, roll onto the next day and the next. By the way, I have a 2 year old, 4 year old and a 20 year old – the 20 year old does my head in more than the other 2 combined! 😉
Absolute Poetry! Very funny and sooo true! Am making a mental note Never to say all those things! I do remember the utter exhaustion of tag-team twins waking in the night, and leaning in the doorway thinking Ïts not worth going back to bed – as soon as I start to drift off one of them will wake again. (little toads!)”. But we are survivors. although I still have the dark circles under my eyes to prove I Was There – (can I blame it on them 24 yrs on….? I try) Best of luck with your cluster feeding and vom and poo years. Love your style. xx
I started to write a reply and then it got too long so I wrote a blog post instead! 🙂
http://amysorensen.typepad.com/the_english_geek/2015/02/from-the-old-moms-to-the-young-moms.html
I started to write a comment here but then it got long so I wrote a blog post instead! 🙂
http://amysorensen.typepad.com/the_english_geek/2015/02/from-the-old-moms-to-the-young-moms.html
Hi Amyso – I wasn’t going to reply but I thought I should since you’ve put so much effort into your blog post. I really think you should be grateful for your teenagers and you should cherish every minute. I mean here’s the truth – parenting is hard, didn’t you know that?
See what I did there? It’s not nice. I’m sorry you’re having sleepless nights. It’s so hard, as I said in my post – you can be grateful and so tired.
I think you should consider that maybe it’s not the nicest thing to say to people who are emotionally and physically exhausted that they should know that Hell Is Coming. In what other situation do we say to someone struggling and crying out for help – “well, excuse me! If you think this is hard, wait until X”.
Don’t minimise what other people are going through. Show some empathy. Every bit is hard. It’s ok to say it’s hard. At any stage. Because everyone struggles at some point with their babies. And their toddlers. And their primary school kids. And their pre-teen kids. And their teenagers. And their adult children. Nobody has a monopoly on being exhausted and finding parenting hard. That wasn’t the point of my post.
i have a 13 day old and she’s my 3rd. Many nights I’ve quietly lost my shit and broken down in tears for the same reason. Feed baby, finally get baby to sleep, jump into bed and then one of the others wake up. Calm other child, just get back into bed, baby wakes for feed again!
People think we are being selfish and not appreciating what we have, but when your running on 2 hours sleep, you’ve been shat on twice throughout the night and vomited on god knows how many times, adding your two bobs worth ain’t going to help.
I agree, bring something with chocolate in it, and when you arrive do a job for me too before you leave, wash dishes, hang washing, hold the baby so I can shower, because it’s little things like that, that count, not your comments on my parenting or how or what I should try it be doing with my kids.
I take my hat off to you lady, because I know, a long with May other mothers suffering sleep deprivation, what your on about. 🙂
My children are now in their early thirties and grateful they survived the early days of my parenting.
I DO NOT MISS those nights back when they were tiny.
I DO NOT MISS the tantrums they threw in the middle of a shopping centre.
I DO NOT MISS changing their nappies.
I DO NOT MISS being sleep deprived.
I agree with your sentiments entirely.
Awesome article!! I have a 3 month old boy and a 14 month old boy, yes, 11 months apart! Oh yeah and I can’t forget the 8 year old spoiled rotten girl!! I understand every word! It is hard, but know reading this brought such a smile to my face to know that I’m not alone. I am actually typing one handed as well trying to hold a pacifier in a little ones mouth and replay the DVRed Little Einsteins show for the 40th time today. I go days without sleeping but maybe an hour or two a night a lot of the time. You are an inspiration though, just like every other mother out there who stuck through it and had little ones close together without giving up. We live life in 3 hour intervals right now but it will get better…. in time. Good Luck! You are awesome!!!
Good on you for being honest, my kids are teenagers now and I certainly don’t wish to go back to endless nights of no sleep and feeding and nappies….it’s one tough gig!! Teenage life ain’t much easier let me tell you, just different Honestly I love my kids more than life itself but look forward to when they are adults and I have my apartment in the city, they will
come and visit me and then leave again. Try laugh when you can but crying is ok too
This is genius!!! thank you!!! five days ago I woke up to a finger up my nose….my 1 year-old decided there was no other way to wake me up at 5am than testing how deep she could go. So as I bled like crazy I thought…yeah yeah…of course one day I will miss this …..not even for a second. I just don´t get why we have to be superwomen? I am exhausted and frustrated and battling crazy hormones…. and I also loooove and adore and am extremely grateful for my daughter. Why can´t people realise these two things can very well happen at the same time?
Wow!! I am so glad I am not the only mom who has gone through this. My son was 4 when my daughter was born, he always crawled into bed with us around that in between feeding at midnight or later. When my eyes were burning from 2 hours of sleep and boobs were busting with milk. Then I would a foot in my face or peed on or puked on. Fml! My husband would snore through it all, let’s face it, they can’t breast feed and when you are sleep deprived they are fucking useless.. Lol. So, I went out and bought my big boy a great big double bed with the most comfortable mattress, so when he crawled into bed with my leaking boobs and useless husband. I would leave and take my daughter into my sons big comfy bed and sleep, for an hour, feed the baby and sleep some more., that kinda worked.
I used to take hot showers and cry all the time. And, I too had everyone tell me too be grateful they are only young once. My kids are 10 & 6 and sleep through night and so do I ( and I am grateful for my sweet big kids that let mommy sleep into 8 or sometimes 9 am cause now they can get up and turn on the t.v themselves). Be grateful yes, but cry and sleep when you need too, all mom’s go through this shit, I think that when your kids have grown up and had their own babies you will definitely be a great support person for them. Maybe that’s when us mom’s are grateful, when we can give the grandkids back and say see ya!! Best of luck! I hope you find some zzzzzzzzz soon, hang in there.
Thanks for this. My wife and me have struggled with this for some time.
Just wanted to say ” I hear ya!!” This struck a chord with so many of us because we’re not ungrateful but certain people either don’t understand the point or simply refuse to try to understand and glory in describing how ungrateful you appear. I may be over sensitive but surely if I have to consider everyone’s feelings, then they could consider mine and how this “be grateful” comment always makes me feel shitty?? Such a well-written article.
I love my kids but not a day goes by when i think about being young free and without them, i have even thought about walking out the door and never turning back. I love my kids but i don’t always like them( shock fucking horror i know… Must be a shite mother) i would lay my life down for them but it doesnt stop me tearing my hair out in despair on an hourly basis. We are all different we parent differently we find things hard that others find a breeze, but we are there day in day out we soldier on and we are all great mums.
It’s hard enough being a parent. We feel guilty enough that we aren’t “doing it right” and aren’t at all times “modelling good behaviour and interactions”, and we aren’t at all times patient and understanding of the little darlings’ difficulties. Sometimes we just want to say how hard it is without being made to feel even worse that we’re not loving and grateful for every moment, that we’re not treating every setback as a joyous “learning opportunity”.
Sometimes just breathing in and out is hard work without screaming.
Love to all parents who occasionally (!) feel less than perfect.
Reblogged this on The Pyrrhic Mother and commented:
A mother after my own heart.
Love love loved this. The elders would say, “They grow up so fast, just enjoy them” but how can you when it’s so intense at times. So relentless. It doesn’t seem like a part of your life, when you’re in it, it is your life. It goes so slowly, at times you feel as if you are standing still, going backwards almost. But you are moving. In the tiniest increments. Invisible to the naked eye.
I’m sitting here reading this article with an 8 month old attached to one boob, a puddle dripping from the other one and trying to tune out the sound of miss 5 strangling mr 2 at the other end of the house.
I am lucky enough that none of my children climb into my bed at night (for which I am definitely grateful) but the rest is so my life.
My least favorite type of these comments is old women in shopping centers stopping to tell me,whilst my child throws herself in a fit of rage down the aisle because she isn’t allowed a choline bar, that one day she will be all grown up and I will miss this!
I’m grateful too… though all three of the little bastards are now teenagers and I just took half a xanex to get through the rest of the night.! I love them I do but there are days when they are little shits its their job. Ps…the middle one didn’t sleep until she was 3! The doctor called her an insomniac, fortunately now that she’s 17 there is trazadone for that.
Oh man that was the best read I’ve had in ages, so relatable. As the mum of 2 girls (2 & 3 yo) it sooo nice to hear people talk the truth about how hard things can be. Are we expected to say “this is the best thing I’ve ever done, parenting is just the best!!!”??? Yes we LOVE our kids but bloody hell it’s hard work, I’m struggling with them yelling demands at me constantly! YELLING!!!!!
Thanks for being honest, you’re an even better mum for saying like it is, and makes the rest of us feel normal and like we are doing an ok job. Some days are so isolating so thanks for putting it all out there!
Thank you SO MUCH for writing this. You are amazing. Keep up the good work.
I actually laughed out loud. Still laughing.
Well written and soooooo true.
Mutant 4 week old who hears internal scream ?
i understand where you are coming from can I just suggest one thing. Be grateful because you have “normal” healthy children. My son has low functioning autism. He is 9 can not talk, wears night nappies and sometimes the bed gets soaked with urine or smeared with poo. He has had sleep difficulties his whole life due to his neurological disorder.
This affects his communication,behavior,social skills and sensory processing.
Dealing with age appropriate behavior is very different to being a life time carer. I speak for myself and for my friends who like you chose to be parents loving our children and passing through each day in our own individual families with our children who in some areas have severe special needs. I don’t want sympathy I love my son I just wanted to share parenting from another perspective.
Thank you for sharing your perspective Jennifer. My oldest son had three surgeries in the first year and a half of his life due to a respiratory condition. My youngest son is four weeks old and it’s amazing to me to have a child that I’m not afraid will stop breathing at any moment – because that’s how I lived until my son was two. It was terrifying and overwhelming. It’s not at all the same as what you’ve been through – I don’t presume to know your experience or anyone else’s. I only know my own – and my son’s illness has been life changing for me. I do agree that dealing with age appropriate behaviour is different. My nights in the hospital staring at my son were far more overwhelming than him now climbing into bed with me, but for me personally, the two sit side-by-side. I believe my son’s sleeping issues are caused by hospital stays and his surgeries and his condition. Anyway, I am grateful for both of my children I hoped I made that clear in the post.
Nice article. Considering its 3.50am and I’ve just been up for the third time with my older one (just turned four) and just given our one year old a feed, can’t get back to sleep and roughly two hours until they start their Sunday, and am surfing the net and reading how drunk my non-parent friends on facebook are right now, this struck a chord! 🙂
It’s now 3.54am. Give in and get up and start on the red bull (minus the vodka, oh those fun nights out!), or try and get back to sleep? Hmmmmm….
Omg so true! I always ended up feeling guilty and a bit panicked when people said ‘be grateful because one day they’ll be all grown up’… at the time I was so exhausted and just wanted to sleep and then I had the extra burden of trying to find joy in this sometimes hellish existence. I loved your article and I laughed out loud! I can so relate!
Love your blog Deidra.
as you know we adopted 2. We were married 14 years when we started the adoption journey. . It was a long hard road and I truly believe they were God sent to us! I too am GRATEFUL and love them with every bit of my being..But with that being said… I miss the old me! The me before kids! Their needs are constant. … which leaves little to no time for myself. Selfish? Maybe so. Probably so. Their dad works all the time.. which makes me their primary caregiver. It’s tough. I’m tired. Always.
Shortly after we finalized our adoption (2 weeks to the day to be exact), we were offered kid #3. For numerous reasons I won’t go into here, we said no. Recently, another chance to adopt has fell into our lap. I deliberated and thought and thought and deliberated some more. Final answer was no. 2 kids is enough for me. I may regret my decision later, but for now, no is the right answer. Kids are tough & not a job to be taken lightly! Hang in there Deidra, I feel your pain!
Love my tiny daughter, love my husband unconditionally but I swear to god some days I would give it all up for 8 hours of sleep and my mind/boobs back to being my own lol. Older women take note – you really piss us off when you don’t just say ‘yes – it was super tiring so I feel for you. It will get better in around 18 years’.
Some days I sit in the toilet for at least ten minutes just so I can lean my head against the wall and micro sleep lol and not have to say where I’m going.
Hit the nail on the head in every way 🙂
I am older, regretfully retired, get up at 10, sometimes am up all night coping with problems with adult children, but will never forget how exhausting those early years where. You go girl!
thats awesome.im a dad but ive done my share of it and i still see how much more a mother does. Just remember that those comments usually come from people that dont actually care about what you go through. they are never the ones to read between the lines and say, why dont you let me come over and give you a hand whenever you need to. they are the type of people that more often than not are thinking about there own needs above all else.
Thank you for this article! I actually found it while sitting on the bathroom floor! I’m here just crying by myself thinking that I love my daughter but I also love sleeping and I can’t go one more night with the fever-vomit-crying cocktail. Believe me! you made me feel much better!
when I read this I thought, I wanna be BFF’s with this chick?
You are awesome and thank you for being so raw about it!
This totally ROCKED!
But remember, be grateful ????
Well I’m a young guy with no Kids. I want them. A lot of them. I thought your article was amazing. It was real and honest, and everyone that says, only a Grateful Parent could write somethinf like this is true. I second it. Third it. I have seen the ungrateful and the grateful parents that exist in my own family. I have seen the differences that the end 20 & 30 somethings have turned out. They are worlds apart. Different ends of the scale. Your honesty about how you feel will only make you stronger and your love for them raw. They will feel it and end up the best they can be. Even though it did sound a little scary, you haven’t scared me off. Still want to have a big family! Thanks, I’ll be reading more!
When I read this I instantly thought, I wanna be BFF’s with this chick!
You are awesome!!
But remember, be grateful ???
#iamgratefull
My husband reminds me often about the times I called him at lunchtime when my 18 month old refused to take a nap in the day. ‘If he doesn’t go to sleep soon I am going to leave him in the road’. My boys are now 4 and 5 and still sometimes think about ‘leaving them in the road’. I absolutely love babies, who doesn’t love those wonderful cherished moments when you feel floods of love and adoration. Unfortunately they come with unwanted side effects. Reading your post reminded me of how I felt at those times and it isn’t pretty. Now I feel quite luckily I didn’t have any more!! Well done on your post!
can we be grateful and at the same time wish for more than 30mins of undisturbed sleep at a time?!? I love this and really wish I had the guts to tell those “be grateful” people to fuck off!!!! ?
I am GRATEFUL to you for writing this blog ! Parenting is fucking hard work. I never heard that it would be an exhausting slog punctuated by moments of glee ( or just plain ignored it) before becoming a slave to his Royal 3.5 y.o. Highness. Love him we do, more than anything, but what a trip. Holy shit. We gave up on the family bed by 6 months after getting pummeled every night.
So it would be wrong of me to go haha, no kids, no desire for kids and I can go to the toilet by myself?
I’m a full time single parent of 3. They are now 8, 6 and 6. I work full time an hour and a half drive each way from home in city traffic. Their father lives in Europe and only lived with us from the birth of the first, until the twins were 6 months, and then from the time the twins were 15 months to 23 months. From age 6-14 months, I breast fed both twins, with a two year old in tow, alone in New England winter while he was in Europe. It was mental. I have no clue how we survived it. I only met the neighbors when I broke my ankle in week 2 of his absence and needed help carrying the babies up and down the stairs twice a day. You find strength in the people around you who say it sucks, but you are a rock star. If they say be grateful, you wish you could punch them, but then they would go away and you’d be alone…so you weigh your options and choose to appease, for the sake of adult companionship.
Life is still mental. My identical twin boys literally hang from me when they aren’t rolling on the ground wrestling each other in aisle 12 of the grocery store. I can spend days taking kids to and from activities and never doing anything for myself or feeling satisfied. Of course I love them, but they kill me slowly a bit more each day. I am likely the only mom who has suggested multiple times that I will pull over, close to running water, on rt 95, so they can live near a fresh water source when I leave them there forever for screaming/whining/fighting…whatever the infraction. I never do, but it always comes to the point of threat. I am likely the only woman at Starbucks ignoring her children as they bury every fresh roast African coffee product in a barrel of funfetti, all the while knowing the childless manager is cringing. I feel lucky to have survived most days and I’m certain I am cutting corners. I wish I didn’t cave at the pop tart sale price. I wish I didn’t have a bedroom floor cover in laundry all month long. I wish I didn’t have piles of every imaginable thing made, given, picked up, or brought in. But it is after midnight and I made it through another day (one of only 2 days a week of not commuting 3 hrs and working 8 hrs) of ballet, softball, Girl Scouts and school spirit ice skating…and I even found time to get a friend who hasn’t mastered this version of unexpected life, a cake that said “happy chaos day”….because it doesn’t really get better, you just get better at it…and if you don’t laugh and embrace the chaos, it will likely kill us. So am I grateful, sure, that I lived long enough to go back to sleep….and honestly, some days that’s enough. I amaze myself. I don’t know where the strength comes from, but every day it’s there in some form again…often times like an LP with more or fewer scratches, that cause the soundtrack of my life to skip…but every day that music still plays, and for that I am grateful.
Good reading too. I’m with you!
Wow – you’re amazing!!!!!
legend..:)
I cannot Imagine how my mother delt with five children two years apart in age. How did she not pull her hair out changing diapers,washing diapers,food on the table three times a day..I don’t remember anyone giving her a day off because who wants to babysit five kids? I know she had to pray for us to grow up,to stay out of her bed ( it was the only place she could get a little rest ) and finally when everyone is out of diapers,the youngest one is five,along comes a baby brother number six! Start all over. I think that’s why I never had children Can you blame me?
#iamgrateful but Damn do I feel your pain! And I only have the one! 4 months today (it’s the first of March now right?!) and for about a month and a half he’s only stirred to be fed twice a night, occasionally cries with trapped wind or a bad dream. Tonight he has gone postal at 11.30 and 2.30 and then woke up at half 4 happy as Larry and wanting to talk at me after a long drawn out feed. Don’t get me wrong, I love his cheery face even at stupid o clock in the morning, and I’m really glad that whatever was hurting him earlier is gone, but I really need to pee and his Dad is snoring which always winds me up so please GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!!!
Yes! Yes. 19,000 x yes!! Being tired, angry, frustrated, teary or completely overwhelmed does NOT equal ungrateful. It is entirely possible and NORMAL to have two (often conflicting) feelings at once. I know I’ll miss them one day. I know I’ll look back with sleep-laden perspective one day and see it wasn’t so bad and this time of hard was a drop in the bucket of my motherhood experience. But NOW, in THIS moment, during THIS drop in the bucket… I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I want to pee alone. I want into sleep. I ent to have no one need me. And that’s fucking ok!!
Bravo, Madame!!
Vicky
http://www.thepursuitofnormal.com
Well said! That’s all I’m trying to say. Having moments of fear, helplessness, being overwhelmed, frantic, exhausted, sad – you can feel all of these and still be so grateful and not want to change anything. I am sure I will be nostalgic for these days when my kids have grown, but I hope I’ll have empathy for those who are feeling stressed out and frustrated. This is kind of just basic – being a good human being – so I don’t know why some people find it so fucking challenging!! Thank you for your comment, it’s basically exactly how I feel.
I totally and 100% agree with you. Parenting is Bloody hard. I have a nearly 6 year old and a nearly 3 year old girls and I haven’t always “Enjoyed every moment” of the experience. The tantrums, the vomiting, the fevers, the sleepless nights that you think will go on forever. And the different ages and stages that they go through and also instilling good values and a positive sense of self into both of them and their abilities. It is really a life long process!! And hopefully it will be all be worthwhile in the end
Ok so I laughed out loud at that! Thought I’d share with you (someone who gets it – the whole parenting thing) a short tale.
My then newborn daughter got bad tummy pains after every feed, she just screamed and screamed. And I’m talking top notch I’m-being-mutilated-by-Genghis-Khan type screaming. Anyway, after two and a half hours of such, we were pulling our hair out. We knew what it was, but we were powerless to fix it, so in desperation, we called the maternal and child health hotline. “Our daughter has colic and we don’t know what to do, she’s been screaming in agony for two and a half hours”, I told them, and burst into tears. “How long has she been screaming?” They asked. “Two and a half hours”, I said again. “Oh” says the nurse. “Then she doesn’t have colic.” I got really worried. It’s not colic? Well then something must be seriously wrong. “Well what is it then?” “It’s just air in her tummy”, she says. “She has to have been screaming for three hours or more for us to consider it colic.” Silence.
Are you fucking kidding me? You’re arguing semantics with a clearly distressed parent about the fact that it’s exactly the same as condition colic, BUT it isn’t “technically” unless she’s been screaming for THREE HOURS??? What was I supposed to do, hang up and call again in half an hour?
Can we add ‘don’t be a smart-ass know-it-all and instead just help to your list?
Haha oh Felicity that is brutal!
This post is so honest and I am so grateful I was able to find it! At a time when I felt so overwhelmed with my 3 year old son who has decided to push every boundary (his new line when I tell him not to do something is “I’m going to do it…ANYWAY!”) I have a 3 week old girl who sleeps all day and is awake all night (usually up every 40 mins), so I have been beyond exhausted…throw in a c-section, the fact my girl has hip dysplasia and is in a splint so trying to feed/burp/bath her is that much more awkward, and my husband has gone from casual to full time work, so my support is very minimal. I am grateful for my husband’s increase in work, for the fact the hip dysplasia was picked up early and is being corrected, and for both my babies as I was told I would never have children. But it’s the hardest job in the world and no one tells you that it’s ok not to be able to do it all yourself all the time, and that it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. Thank you so much for keeping it real 🙂
Thank you for voicing how I feel. I love our son deeply. However, raising him has been a huge challenge….learning disabilities, severe anxiety, mild Aspbergers, thinking the floor is the biggest trash can in the house, and more. Then you couple that with my chronic health problems, I’m done, exhausted, caput. I’m so ready to be done with the child rearing portion of the program. I’ve often felt guilty about that. So glad I’m not alone.
You’re not alone JC. My son has had a lot of health challenges and it’s so hard. Sending love down the line for you.
Thank you! It’s exactly the same here in germany and I’m wondering about that. My first born is 6 weeks old and he is precious. He also plays the fart or poop game LOL and there is not a lot of sleep and everybody says – oh time passes very fast – be greatful…well I’m not on this road yet. The difference is – here are mommys with one year old kids who telling things like that. They are crying about how grown up their babies are…I don’t get this either. Shouldn’t I be happy about my healthy growing up child? I mean growing is what they do…hopefully. …hm maybe I’ll see in a year. It’s daddy-time now – So I’ll take a nap.
I could send you chocolate – I really could it always helps?
I can so relate to this but from a different angle, i lost a daughter nearly five years ago at 41+5 due to medical negligence. I was very blessed to have my second little girl who is 3 ½. My husband left us a week before her second birthday. I love her to bits and would die for her but im exhausted and just don’t feel like I can ever tell anyone how tough it is. I hardly dare think it even in my head. I heard so much shit when I lost my daughter that I gave up trying to say how I feel. The result is loneliness. Painting a smile on your face when it’s hell inside. I have the same now, trying to navigate divorce, leaving my job, moving country and an inquisitive full of energy 3 yr old. Sometimes I want to scream-like when she trashes a room in 5 minutes that I’d just cleaned up but the guilt eats me up. Society has generated the situation where the idea of having everything and it being perfect is expected but the reality is different. Yes we are grateful for what we do have, we know people are worse off, but it shouldn’t lesson what we feel because that’s our life, our reality. Any my 3 yr old likes to sleep horizontally with her feet in my face ?
I’m so very sorry for your loss Chicasmummy. I am furious people have silenced you. I am so sorry you’ve felt alone and isolated. I hope this post and all of these comments help you feel less alone. Your comment is so spot on – “Yes we are grateful for what we do have, we know people are worse off, but it shouldn’t lesson what we feel because that’s our life, our reality” exactly!
Thanks, I helped to isolate myself in grief, just when I was finding myself again he left, the day after promising me he never would, tosser ?. I really loved your post, I keep thinking I will start my own blog, as a release, but don’t think I would be so brave as you and definitely couldn’t read the comments, too many turds!
Please reach out if you need anything. From one mother to another. I think you are amazing. Rowena Pakis on Facebook.
Thanks for kind words Rowena, I only really use FB to update family in UK of daughter as it’s another false reality x
far out, that’s hard, very hard. but hang in there. even with two of us (parents) it’s not easy. we do a lot of tag team parenting while juggling work trying to make ends meet. as a single parent i reckon it’s a whole lot harder for you. sure we love them and want to do what’s best for them etc… we all know that, but it is fucking hard. we go through all the extremes of emotions and spend some time wondering what the hell we are doing. you’re not alone and yes, it’s not easy. sleep is gold
Andrew, I will hang in, her smile helps, but fucking hell I didn’t realise how hard it is being a single parent. I don’t think I’m the parent I would be if we were together still, but hey I can only do what I can do right now, that’s a fact! Worst is not having her dad around to share the amazing moments that are really only amazing to mum and dad. And he thinks taking her from me once a week is support, no it’s fucking not, support is being there for the shit that happens morning and evening trying to get to school, to bed etc not making me miss chunks of her life! Arghhh rant over sorry back to the housework?
Oh, sweetheart. That’s enough to be going on with.
Big hugs to you.
I feel for you – been there and done it and it was so hard at times. Mine are now 14 and 17 and though I live them dearly and am grateful lol – I haven’t forgotten the shit they put me through. But hope this will keep you going – payback is awesome – I like very teasing them and embarrassing them and some how it makes the hard times easier.
Yes I understand what you are saying! Parenting is hard! But you know what some of us struggle painfully with infertility and we long for ‘hard’. That’s one reason people want to hear that you are grateful ( not justifying, just explaining) I’ve felt that way before! Hearing mothers coma in bitterly and wish away the very thing my empty arms long for!!
Don’t get me wrong I wholeheartedly agree with you about all you have said! I think I’d feel the same at times! I’m just offering another perspective as to why people comment like that!
One of the most painful things I’ve experienced as a person desperately struggling with infertility is my friend complaining to the point where she said she feels like she doesn’t even want the child!!! I told her if she said that again Id take the beautiful little girl!!!
Keep up the good work! It is hard but on behalf of those of us who would dearly love our own ‘hard work children’ love them even when they make you tear your hair out! If we can’t have them then make sure you with children love them! That’s all we ask!!
Thanks for your article!
Hi Jo. I am so very sorry you’ve struggled with infertility. It’s a horrible road. I had three surgeries to get pregnant with my son. It took four years. I may know some of what you’ve been through, but I’ll never know your experience. I can only say I found it incredibly isolating. And the thoughtless comments of others really upset me. I am so grateful for my children. And I don’t consider either of them to be ‘hard work children’. They’re long fought for children and I adore them all of the time. And some of the time while adoring them, I find parenting overwhelming. I love them all the time. ALL THE TIME. But I also find aspects of parenting to be really challenging. All I ask is that I not be judged for that, and that people think before they speak about whether what they’re saying is actually fair or helpful.
And for what it’s worth, I’ve had friends break down and cry to me saying they wish they’d never had their child. And not one of them meant it. Ever. They said things in the heat of the moment, under huge stress and exhaustion. They felt completely overwhelmed. I don’t know why we allow some people to express their stress and anger with hyperbole but we don’t allow parents to do the same.
Thank you for your comment.
I just read your article out loud tho by husband. I think I did an amazing job. I’ve three kids under five. Well one is five now. But for six months I had three under five. Anyway, I’ll say things to by husband like ‘grrrrr I just want to strangle child one two or three’ or ‘i feel like putting them in the rubbish bin’. He’ll look at me aghast and with so much judgment. He’ll sternly say that I can’t say that. Fuck off husband I can’t remember when I last had a shower I’m covered in milk/vomit/food/poo and I haven’t had coffee/sleep/time to myself/ a run/ a surf etc and now they’re all screaming/complaining there’s a blemish on their organically grown by me appendicitis etc. He’s starting tho get me madness, but I still like tho remind him with articles like yours. Don’t get me wrong. I adore my children.i live them so much it hurts. Every day I love them more. I live a wonderful happy life with me beautiful family but most days are a mixture of bliss and craziness. You never know what’s gonna happen in thirty seconds….. And then that emotion changes in forty seconds etc no day it’s ever the same. And I’m grateful. I sure am. And I love when people are honest about life. Let’s be best friends.
I understand your empty arms, it’s a real physical pain. And loosing my daughter made me so so jealous of others with babies and I totally hated the moaning. I used to wonder how they could moan when they were so lucky and my little girl had so cruelly been taken. I was very bitter and jealous, especially against people who actually hurt their babies. I’m so very lucky that I had my second daughter and am fearful every day that something will happen and she’ll be taken from me too. BUT I do understand the moans a bit more now. It is totally separate to the love and honour and joy and privilege of being a mother and comes from utter exhaustion, I know I can only speak for myself really. I wish you all the lucky in the world and pray your empty arms are full soon xx
Pingback: Eat, Move, Wear, Love, Link #61: Cookies and a confession - Wholeheartedly Healthy
I thank God for Chocolate everyday! I’d love to say it gets easier but at 12 and 9 it’s just a slightly different kind of tiredness/frustration! Grateful for them everyday and will miss them every day after they move out, but man is it hard in between!
it’s also depressing seeing posts day I day out of everyone’s perfect lives, outstanding children and beautiful things. It can get you down and make you feel like u do nothing but sit on your arse all day. But we have to stop and remember not everyone’s lives can be lollipops and rainbows 24/7! It’s just one big “like” competition!
And that’s where chocolate comes in! It’s 8.30pm and the kids are in bed, time to put the kettle on!
I am an advocate for self expression, wellness & women breaking ground with who they are in the media. I appreciate the rawness & real ness of this article. I am currently in the similar boat. Sleep deprived with 2 young ones. I too am confronted on a daily basis with the sheer relentless of the workload that is mothering. Though I don’t agree with this article completely. In my experience people who say things like ‘you need to be grateful’ genuinely mean it. They miss those days so bad & facing old age with grown up kids is no walk in the park either. ‘They grow up so quick’ actually means just that. Nothing to be read into. Maybe they envy you. Just maybe they would give anything to be that young thing you are. You epitomise being a woman. Those beautiful kids get to be yours all day. Sometimes having empathy for others can be far more rewarding than receiving it.
What I’ve learnt over the last 4 years is that gratitude & complaining can not coexist. There is always a place for having a vent – we are human afterall. I also understand that in general we would never change our life, it is THE BEST. Gratitude is such a powerful tool for people dealing with tough situations. It’s not something to feel guilty or angry about. It is actually a choice you make in that moment to see past the misery you’re experiencing & look at what you are grateful for. Ie. I’m having the most horrible day ever & I really want to be just thrown in the rubbish bin. I am grateful for literally not living in a detention centre with my children. I am grateful for a beautiful kitchen & delicious food. It’s that simple.
Again I understand that this article is about standing up for mothers. I get it & that’s why I’m sharing my story. Being grateful is the only thing that has ever helped. Even being grateful for those buggers who love talking in hindsight. Without them I would never have truly gotten gratitude.
Hi Rowena. Thanks for your comment. I do believe gratitude and complaining can coexist – because I’ve just done it! I am grateful. I said that a lot in my post. You can be grateful and complain. Lots of parents have done that in these comments. If you look at the comments every single one has a variation of “I adore my children/I absolutely love my children/Don’t get me wrong I…” etc. Being grateful and being overwhelmed can sit side by side.
Also, as I said in the post – I don’t see any malicious intent. That doesn’t stop the fact that the comments are frustrating, hurtful, and ultimately dangerous.
You bet it’s hurtful. I spent years waiting for empathy. It never really came. So instead I put myself in their shoes. They say society should be different etc. but it’s not. I’m done waiting for people to change. The only change is where I am.
In the present moment, you either chose complaints or you chose gratitude. Everything else is in the past or future. That’s the difference.
I can hear that you are MEGA grateful for your life & doing a FANTASTIC job at it.
Well done, you speak your mind. Ours are grown up now, sleepless nights were few and far between for us when they were younger, likewise, being able to speak out and share was not always easy. We now are blessed with grandchildren, often have our grandson on a Sunday which hopefully gives his fantastic parents some ‘me time’ and we absolutely love having him. Keep speaking your mind. 🙂
So completely and absolutely THIS.
Xxxx
Love your post! Thanks for sharing your feelings. I have a 3yr old who hates sleeping & generally being anywhere that is not in contact with my body (& 3 other kids too). It’s enough to make you completely nuts! I wish we could dance & drink bourbons until we puke together but, instead I’ll think of you having nowhere to sleep when I’m in the same boat xx
heh i feel your pain. hang in there. sleep is the mana of the gods
I agree completely. It’s like, we get it, we love our kids and appreciate the time while they are still young, but seriously sometimes its just like AHHHHHHHHH! No bed, no naps when you need them, can’t even go to the bathroom in peace. Sometimes all you want to do is hide in a closet with a pint of ice cream XD
SISTER I love
Yes yes, a thousand times yes! I’m 7.5 years into parenthood and I’ve been sleep deprived for that entire time. I don’t want to be grateful, I want to not be tired! Totally agree with your point, it does stop people looking for support when they are, essentially, dismissed by people who want them to love it all the time. If they think they loved every moment then they have forgotten an awful lot.
Why don’t you just skim past or hide the comments you don’t like, or don’t feel that you need at the moment? And why do you feel it’s necessary to share these types of comments in a public forum? Much more appropriate for a “Mommy and Me” group, or a girls night out Coffee Klatch. At random times, I might be one of those who advises someone to “enjoy it while you can”, or I might reminisce about how hard it was when I was in a similar situation. You put something out there, people are going to respond. Deal with it.
it’s a blog, it’s her experiences and how she feels about it. if you don’t like it, deal with it and go somewhere else
Really Susan? Do you really think the comments on made on Facebook weren’t appropriate? It’s hardly a public forum when you have maybe 200 friends max. Do you really think they weren’t positive enough? That’s astounding to me. I mean I just don’t understand why people insist on sunshine and fucking rainbows and heavily sanitised bullshit on Facebook. I didn’t say “fuck parenting sucks today. I am covered in shit and I’m exhausted”. I shared an adorable photo of my son and made a comment about not having room in my bed. Jeez. What on earth was I meant to say “I got no sleep last night but every second I was awake was the most wonderous, beautiful, earth-shatteringly brilliant moment of my life because I’m a mother. HALLELUJAH I AM A MOTHER!”? Isn’t it your issue rather than mine that you have a ridiculously weird reaction to a photo and feel you simply must give your Very Important Opinion about it even if that expression completely lacks any empathy for your friend or relative? If you can’t deal with someone posting a cute photo and saying they’re tired maybe you should “deal with it” and fuck off Facebook? Just some unsolicited advice for you…
Have to agree with Susan. It’s really just not that upsetting…not sleeping is def upsetting someone’s comment coming from a good place not so much
Ok Haley *rolls eyes* if you say it’s not upsetting then it isn’t.
Yall obviously have not been there. Good for you. You must be full of sunshine and rainbows 24/7. Please, share with us your technique, since you know all about it. The point of the whole blog and all the many comments, was that it is demeaning and it is downplaying real emotions that all mothers feel. Well, all mothers besides yall two. We all know it isn’t malicious or ugly, and we all know we should ignore it. But don’t come on a mommy blog with all that, it comes across as just trolling and fake, and mean.
Good for you, Haley, have a cookie.
While you’re eating it, learn to speak only for yourself and not to invalidate others’ experiences.
You know, you could have just skimmed past or hidden this blog post. Instead you decided to comment.
Practice what you preach.
oh I am there. Thank you for posting this.
I have a 1 1/2 month old and completely agree with this!! My son has reflux so has alot of trouble during and after feeding as well as struggles to get him to sleep (although it is getting better) a little while ago i posted a status on facebook expressing my exhaustion when two mothers commented that i shouldnt whinge that bub wouldnt sleep unless he was upright on my chest and that i should just co-sleep. I am a young first time mum so when people make comments like that it really pisses me off as it makes me feel like im not parenting right. Its nice for people to try and ‘help’ with their advise but alot of the time it comes across as ‘YOUR DOING EVERYTHING WRONG’ so much so that i wont post anything that even suggests that im having trouble as i hate the whole “be gratefull” speech… im extremely greatful!!! I love my little man more then anything i dont need to be tild to appreciate him i do it everyday!!. Im so happy i read your post it has made me feel like im not alone. So thankyou 🙂
I just read your article out loud tho by husband. I think I did an amazing job. I’ve three kids under five. Well one is five now. But for six months I had three under five. Anyway, I’ll say things to by husband like ‘grrrrr I just want to strangle child one two or three’ or ‘i feel like putting them in the rubbish bin’. He’ll look at me aghast and with so much judgment. He’ll sternly say that I can’t say that. Fuck off husband I can’t remember when I last had a shower I’m covered in milk/vomit/food/poo and I haven’t had coffee/sleep/time to myself/ a run/ a surf etc and now they’re all screaming/complaining there’s a blemish on their organically grown by me appendicitis etc. He’s starting tho get me madness, but I still like tho remind him with articles like yours. Don’t get me wrong. I adore my children.i live them so much it hurts. Every day I love them more. I live a wonderful happy life with me beautiful family but most days are a mixture of bliss and craziness. You never know what’s gonna happen in thirty seconds….. And then that emotion changes in forty seconds etc no day it’s ever the same. And I’m grateful. I sure am. And I love when people are honest about life. Let’s be best friends.
Ok…. So obviously I’m so tired that I can’t cope with spell check or predictive text! Appendicitis is meant to say apple. Wish I could edit my comment!!!
Am a 41 year old mum of 4 boys 11,6 and 19 month old twins who are the most annoying kids alive and some days I just hate my life and cannot wait for the time they grow up even though it means I’ll be old too! There’s nothing enjoyable about 16 nappies aday a house that is trashed and never leaving the front room as its too hard work with twins! So I hear your crys of pain sister…and for the record I know this time will pass but God is it going bloody slow!
Yep totally agree! It’s ok to point out that motherhood isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes it’s really, really hard. And it’s made harder by having to bottle up the bad stuff and not admit to it! We are all grateful for our kids. But we are also grateful for uninterrupted sleep, which is a rare occurrence.
I just want to say thanks for throwing that out there. I’m a new, she’s not quite one, first time mom and I don’t have a lot of friends who are also parents let alone new parents. Most of the parenting “advice” I get is from the older generation and it always starts out, ” well, when I had my babies….” and always ends up in some condescending, archaic bullshit that makes me feel like the worst mom ever, when the reality is, my kid is the happiest baby I’ve ever seen, and healthy too! Who knew I may actually know what I’m doing haha. I guess its just nice to actually physically see the words of someone else who feels the same way about those kinds of comments. We know we have to be greatful, we know they grow up way faster then we ever expected and we love them more than most people can imagine AND we can feel all of that while still ‘sitting on the toilet crying’. Been there sister. Thanks again,
I will never, ever, ever in a million years tell someone to be grateful for being in the early years. I always say “Man it’s the pits isn’t it? Love the little blighters and that, but oh my Jesus Christ how much the hell horrendous is it? Kids are just nuts.” And then I run away in case they ask me to help.
Well ok maybe not, but I honestly wonder how we all survived those years. You know what I’m grateful for now my two are 8 and 9? Kids that are big enough to cook pancakes and make me a cup of tea. Hell yeah!
So after a bad nights sleep with my three year old climbing all over my head (while my partner sleeps soundly, waking only once to tell our son to be quiet, only to return to his sleep) I find this post. I have had a hell of a morning which involved getting woken at 6am, after being disturbed numerace times during the night and be climbed on , (this has been going on for a couple of weeks now, my son as developed a fear of the dark) I finally give in to the elbows , fingers in eyes, beat boxing and general annoyance at 7am. At this point my middle child wakes also (7years old and like to say mummy ALOT) so we make sock bugs. I then go on to start the breakfast and do some dishes. The kids choose what they want I turn on the tap, the tap breaks I can’t turn it off. The hot water is running , at what’s seems like a 100mph, splattering everywhere (I start to panic I need to turn it off we are on a meter) so I’m trying my hardest to turn it off while my don is shouting he wants his breakfast, he doesn’t seem to hear my reply of “hold on I need to sort the tap it’s broken” so consistently follows me round the house asking for his breakfast. I’m running up and down the stairs trying to find tools, which we don’t gave because my partner nor I d DIY. So I think let’s just turn off the water supply. So I’m on my hands and knees in the street trying to cut of the water in my pjs, my pj top is loose so I’m affective,y showing everyone my breast and three baby stomach. Guess what the stop tap is stuck. My partner still in bed says shall I call the plumber. To which I respond no we just need to get the water switched off. He then takes offence to my refusal of his help (plumber cost money and all we need to do is turn off the bloody water so I can repair the tap) he then gets up starts slamming around and gets dressed for work. I then ask what he has to be annoyed about and a row beings. All the while I’m trying to switch off the bloody water. In the end I had to use a rolling pin to shift the stop tap. My partner storms of to work not before he sends me text stating that HE isn’t appreciated for everything he does. So now I come to the point where my son is eating breakfast I’m trying to read a fantastic post and write a reply. My 7 year old is constantly saying mum my son has banged his spoon on the chair repeatedly, had three bowls of cereal, shoved a sock bug in my face over and over again, climbed all over me and pulled my hair because apparently I can’t do what I’m doing. I have three children the third (14) still sleeping soundly in bed with her friend a 7 year old, 3 year old and a 30 year old partner with aspergers. So you know what I don’t always feel like I like them very much. I work also (earning more than my partner) so responsible for more than 75% of the household bills. The children go to numerous clubs and have everything they need. I’m a strict mum who believes you should work for what you want, they are good kids , polite, helpful most of the time and I love them more than I can explain however if anyone is under appreciated it would be me. I cook, clean, taxi, earn the money and still make sure we have quality time together. I don’t go out or have any hobbies which take up my pennies I exist to make sure they have good lives and I love it. But I’m the same don’t tell me to be grateful because I am. Just recognise that from the minute the little parasites are created they suck the life out of you for 9months then create mayhem so much so that at 3am you just want to leave it all behind. But that feeling of dread is so short lived the rest of the time is of pure love.This post has made me smile and came just at the right time so thank you.
Ah, yes, be grateful. My kids dad recently left. It seems when I get upset by this people tell me to be grateful for the kids. I AM grateful. Me being upset by this awful situation does not mean I am less grateful.
Thank you. Really. This made me cry. In a good way. Some days are just so …. freakin …. hard. Yes I love them to bits. But some days I just want empathy, not platitudes. THANK YOU
Well said. I also get really fucked off with people saying ‘enjoy every moment, it goes so fast’.
1. It is not normal to enjoy every moment of your life, so why would we enjoy ‘every moment’ during the newborn period when we are stressed, sleep dreprived, anxious and hormonal.
2. Time with a newborn does not go fast unless you have an angelic baby who sleeps well and giggles all day.
3. Please don’t tell me how I should be feeling.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my 10 week old and my toddler but some days are less than idyllic.
Thanks again for such a great blog entry.
Thank you for being honest. Bottleing it all up and not sharing the tough bits gets us mothers nowhere. I live in hope to have sleep, my own bed back and to feel human again. Keep up the good work x
My kid is now 19 and you know what? I’m okay with it. I’m really glad he can go grocery shopping when he’s hungry and cook his own dinner and even make dinner for me. I’m thrilled he can vote and be civic minded and volunteer and care about issues and people and causes. I’m grateful that this man who is a person in his own right loves and respects me as a person, and I him.
The whole point is to have this autonomous adult. That’s what I’m grateful for. This is when his journey really starts. When the fun begins. Building a boat might be fun, but it’s seeing it in full sail on the ocean that gives it purpose…And sailing away from you, at that. It means you did good.
I’m planning on being grateful when I can get my hands on his room, defunk it, and fill it with guest room like other people have 🙂
Wow Darlene, what an awesome comment! It’s so rare to see someone say that. I absolutely love this – “Building a boat might be fun, but it’s seeing it in full sail on the ocean that gives it purpose…And sailing away from you, at that. It means you did good”. How utterly refreshing to see someone celebrating their child becoming a teenager and then an adult! Thank you! Thank you! All the exclamation marks for you!!!
Awesome post!!
“when the boys are in their 20s I might be wishing they still lived with me and needed me 24-7″ GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! I’m betting they never move out. (From a Mum who is still exhausted with 3 teens, and sooooo gets your point” xxx
LMAO I love it. And I want you to know even though my boys are 25, 22 and 17 I remember the desperation of walking the floors with the third between feeds.. It is a bit like birth, you lose the specifics of what really it was like (thank GOD) but you keep the knowledge that you never want to feel like or repeat that experience again!! I can remember somehow getting stuck behind the bedroom door in the dark one night because I had only been asleep for an hour – missed the opening bit, and becoming quite frantic behind the door in my sleep deprived state because I could not work it out and escape……..hubby did not even wake!! The eldest had night terrors from grade 2 to grade 6 and landed in my bed every night! The worst part – good old Dad was totally intolerant of that so I slept like a size 22 pretzel so as to not encroach on hubby’s side while working around the all akimbo child sharing my half. And when Dad was away they all took turns at sharing because “I might be lonely without him”.
PS. I actually believe there is something physical that polarizes the kids opposite to us. So if we sleep north south they sleep east west – as shown so beautifully in your pic.
Keep up the great work, and the humor!
And remember – these are stories you can embarrass the SHIT out of them with in years to come!
Wow you are in my mind !!! Totally agree it’s not all roses and smiles being a parent, we shouldn’t be afraid to vent & joke without being paranoid about some freak who loves everything about being a parent bashing us !! Love love love this post ??????
I so freaking get you
Absolutely hit the nail kn the head. I loved reading this post and can relate to every word you said apart from i have a 14month old that still cluster feeds and sone nights will only sleep in my bed or scream in his own! Thanks for sharing x
Being a parent is bloody hard work and littlies are like vampires at how they suck you dry. YOu are entitled to be fed up especially at having your personal space stolen as most of us are at one time or other. My mum who had 7 of us use to say babies are lucky to be too big to fit down S-bends otherwise many would be flushed away. I think many older mums like me are nostalgic about their kids younger days because you enter the empty nest period if your kids are OK. 20 years passes very quickly as you will find. I have a boy with autism so I envy other parents whose kids will grow away.
You’re a fucking legend, I love it. I have a disabled ASD 10 yr old and I get ” you wouldn’t change it for the world” you fucking kidding me???? Of course I would, does it change me loving my son with all my heart?, fuck no. But it’s hard… Really hard sometimes.
I hear you, Megsy… I have two Autistic kids, boy and girl. I would kick the autism’s butt the hell out of them if I could! But “they’re just perfect as they are, aren’t they? Bless!” Fuck off to that!
Pingback: Grateful | baby lotus
Such a joy/relief to read!! Hit the nail on the head. Xx
Thank you so much for this post, you brought me so much laughter and joy!!! Huge, loud laughs!! 😀 I’m so glad to hear that other people experience this too! I mean, of course other people do but noone ever says it! You just described how my mother-in-law speaks to me and it makes me feel like an asshole!!! And I don’t need to feel like an asshole on top of the hormones, the tiredness, the weepiness, the never-ending-ness of having a 4 week old baby that I am still getting to know and understand!!! I already felt like an asshole when I had moments that I wasn’t enjoying every moment like I thought I would, let alone without being patronised or put down (my hormones made me interpret those words that way)…. Thank you so much, you are brilliant!!! 😀
Fantastic post. Very heart felt. It reminds me of an update from a previous manager, a mum herself, who briefed me on what presents to give to new mums. She went on: don’t go about giving crappy shit like flowers, chocolates, little adornments that no one cares about. Instead, offer to bring real food, useful stuff, or even offer to cook something for them. The last thing you want is to be yet another burden to an already burdened person”. These words have changed my perception of baby showers, and baby welcoming parties.
I’m glad I’m not a parent, nor I intend to be. However, I come from a generation where mum at work, the eldest does theheavy stuff. So whrwhen I was 10 and 13 I did my share of baby sitting, bottle feeding, diaper changing, shit scrapping, clothes hand washing, night waking, for my brother and sister – who now seem to be oblivious to the reality of having had an older brother who behaved more like their dad.
Oh my god thank you for making me feel awesome! I’ve been thinking that for the last 2 years!! And struggling with it as I’ve had the same comments from basic comments I’ve written! You are awesome and I for one thank you for your post I don’t feel so alone now!
My eldest (28) just gave birth to twins and she has a 5 year old, my middle (24) and her 18 month old live with us and I have told my son (22) that if he tells me his girlfriend is pregnant, I’ll cut IT off! The 18 month old has been with us since he was 2 months old and he has been really sickly – I am 53 and have had to re-do the sleepless nights, vomit, crap everywhere, cold baths to reduce fevers at some godawful hour of the night/morning, food being thrown at me, vomited all over me and leaking nappies! I GET YOU! If I can bitch and whine so can you 😀 Hugs and love xo
Your post really sums up how I have been feeling for the last few years. Parenting IS tough. All the platitudes in the world don’t do anything but make you crazy. You are not alone. If you need to talk, rant or just bullshit because it’s 3.30am and you’re up….again, I’m here for you.
Red
This made me laugh so hard I woke my sleeping 2-month-old… Bugger.
Thanks for writing how I feel some (most) days!
completely get your point. Having almost lost my daughter to anaphylaxis and working at a ridiculous pace, I found myself in my childless (by choice) bosses office a sobbing wreck. When I explained I was feeling very depressed and was in need of some time off, she informed me I was ‘a selfish child’ and that there were ‘women who would be grateful to have all I had’and that I ‘didn’t deserve a child’
My favourite though was my ‘crazy’ mother in law who rang social services because I fell asleep breast feeding and my daughter ended up sleeping in our bed.
My two are now 13 and 7, I’m very grateful for them, but having spent 2 nights on the sofa this last week, due to bed invasion by a 7 year old. I can safely say I’d be more grateful if the little sod slept in her own bed.
Jesus, and I thought my mother-in-law was difficult. (She came over during my final week of pregnancy to help around the house. Turns out help was bitching about the state I kept the house in when I was 40+ weeks pregnant).
Did you tell her where to go? Please say you said exactly what you felt right to her face.
So so true. Thanks for putting it into words.
So so true. Thanks for putting into words.
this bedtime story might help?! http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3xtcB457jqQ
How refreshing, someone who can express the difficulties of parenthood! Unlike machines in our homes, they don’t come with a manual. My daughter is now in her teens, but the memories of a child who did not sleep through the night until she went to school are still there. The time I spent reading books & going to sleep clinics to get her to comply with the norm of 10 -12 hours sleep a night made me feel completely inadequate & jaded! If I had not had good friends to listen at the time, I think I would have need mental health workers. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture; it does not stop us being grateful for or loving our children but expressing how we feel is important to maintain the wellbeing of both parents and the children.
what a fab post!its nice to know your not the only one who feels this way!i have a 3 year old and a 6 month old and I swear I can’t remember the last time I sat down (other than feeding!)x
today is a long awaited ‘nothing’ day where we don’t have to be anywhere or do anything. Cue my ear old waking up at 7.30am and singing ‘mummy I love you’ which is lovely. Until it’s repeated in a really irritating voice until 11am. She is now complaining because I won’t let her watch any more TV and she wants a friend round. Now, I know I should be grateful that I was allowed to sleep that long and that I have such a loving child, but f**k me, can I please just have a cup of tea in peace????
OMG you are awesomely real! I have 3 kids, 10,3 and 9mths. I love them, but they do my fucking head in. They drain my energy, patience and bank account. I would never change a thing with having them, by when my husband says he wants more, it makes me want to go and throw my uterus in front of a bus!!
Nailed it. OMG I HATED that comment when they were super little and I probably will until they r 20. I hope I will give a loving kind response when my kids r grown. Support is key and so needed.
Loved it. I had twins and a toddler. I never doubted they would survive, but wasn’t to sure about me surviving with my sanity intact. I’m now a pensioner with a great granddaughter and can look back with a smidgen of humour. I’m grateful for all of my children, grandchildren and the great one, but would gladly slit my own throat if I thought I would ever have to do it all again. If anyone had told me to be grateful at the time, I most definitely would have bludgeoned them to death. Keep up the good work.
Where were you when I had a newborn and a 15 months old? They are now 12 and 10 and I would have been happy reading your blog at 3 am back then…Good on you for telling it like it is.You are real and honest! PS: I do not use the word F**ck but I can certainly cope with silently reading and saying it in my head 🙂
I cried with laughter at your ‘on point’ post and can share with you I have 4 kids. 22 – Autism/ADHD (still never sleeps properly) but was so used to sleepless nights that I believed my now 18yr old had brain damage – my 12yr old is 6’1″ already and puberty is sending me insane whilst my 9yr old pink one is a challenging mirror image of myself! I’ve been in the game a long time – the challenges just change with each developmental stage. And yes, I am grateful – but omg do I pray for quieter times – but then I have older parents telling me I should be grateful – that I’ll miss them when they’re gone – that others not as fortunate as me would bite their arm off to be as ‘lucky’! Here’s the deal – I made my bed – I lie in it alone more often than not these days – but I forget about how much that means to me – NEVER how much my children do! So you know what? Parenting is a thankless, arduous task which eats in to your life – and things don’t get better – they just change. The only thing I’m sure of is that most parents learn how to adapt to that change, in the same way they do when being given well meaning advice from others about managing a baby! You made me laugh out loud – blog away about the ‘shit’ side of parenting : ‘cos you know what? That is real! You rock girl – thank you for making me smile! From grateful to get my bed back (most days) x
I’ve never read your blog before but you just made my day. So fucking funny and true. Please keep writing. Hope you get a good nights sleep.
That was the BEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSST! I was only telling my sister the other day i want to read a blog that is completely honest……. Well i found you!!!!! Amazing! Hey……….. THANKS HUN!!!!!!!!!!
As a single Mum of 7 (6 still living at home) I could write my own blog on screaming crying sleepless nights (and thats just me not necessarily the kids!) I have a son with Autism And my youngest daughter looks like an angel but is the horror from hell. I find myself losing the plot on a regular basis. Daily. If not hourly. I dont do one on one time, I never get round to home readers. I yell n swear n seem to struggle from one poo covered debacle to the next. Its hard enough keeping on top of the washing n a part time job n feeding them all Let alone dealing with other peoples negativity, I often think. Why the fuck did I have so many kids?? I dont even particularly like children. How did this happen! Was a just really dumb at taking contraception? To be fair I was in a long relationship with the 4 middle kids Dad n he was a very good father which made my life easier. (Not to self Shouldnt have got divorced) Now my youngest has started Kinder I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I had my poor saggy boobs lifted 2 years ago which made me feel a hell of a lot better (sucked dry by 7 vampires they were looking more like udders) Dyed my greys n got some tattoos. Why not!! To all exhausted Mums out there Dont feel guilty for sneaking in some “Me” time! Buy a magazine n drink a hot chocolate Even if u nod off on the couch half way thru it. The washing pile can wait n so can the dishes. If people show up unexpectedly throw it all in another room. Or make them clean it up. Stuff them. If its all so good let them change the crappy nappy n share the joy! Still tho gotta say When the kids reach their teenage years u think. God it was easier when they were little.!! High Five to all Non Judgemental Struggling Mums Out There!! 😀
My little one is 8 weeks so I completely understand where your coming from long nights !! He wants to be up every hour on the hour lol so nice that some one feels the way I do !! 🙂 keep on keeping on your doing great
I enjoyed reading this. It is honest and I respect honesty. Moments teach us things. That is why we have them. Being frustrated about not having sleep or a moment to yourself is more then okay. It’s real and if you don’t acknowledge this and deal with it when you feel it, it stays with you and leaks into moments where there is good things happening and then you miss them. I am struggling to become a mother. I have for 8 years. As such, I must admitt, often when I see a post in internet land about a parent “complaining” (as I would call it) about their kids, I would want to shake them and say: “Are you crazy?” “Do you know how lucky you are?” Do you know how many people out there are fighting like mad for what you have?” “Be grateful for fuck sakes!” Then, I stop and think. This is their reality. Their moments. And for them, it sucks right now. And there is nothing wrong with them expressing it and they should not be judged for it or told to feel something else. Anyway, It is all about perspective. I really enjoyed yours and I wanted to tell you that.
Take care 😉
Perfectly said, it’s hard and you are so right, I spent a lot of time hiding my insecurities and struggles, trying to portray the perfect mummy and baby when I was around others. I shut myself off from early on which led to PND. Too afraid to ask for help and didn’t want the patronising comments. Some people think they are being nice or helpful, it’s not it makes you you feel guilty and like shit ! Thank you for sharing. I hope this goes viral and helps other mums realise it’s not all hearts and flowers xx
Loved reading this and all the messages other mums have put too. Myself really, I feel like I havnt slept in three years and everyday the little ones get on my nerves one way or another as if there not moaning or having a tantrum there fighting over some shit toy that they don’t even like that much! Parenting is hard work.
Oh gosh, just amazing!!! Fab fab post, so glad to have found your blog
Well I to remember the not sleeping as well. To be truthful I never slept through the night again. I had three kids all two years apart (even planned them that way) stupidly.Now I am a grandmother of eight and I know absolutely nothing about raising kids.You don’t spank anymore you reason with them.I could go on and on but battery is low.Just remember even when your kids are grown and gone,and you can sleep you won’t because you Wil be worrying about them and theirs.
Lol awesome! You are a great expressive writer, well done with your message.
Haven’t met or seen you, but I’m sure “you don’t look tired at all. You look like a glam actress who only eats paleo stuff and drinks grass smoothies”. 😉
Hahaha, brilliant…I’m laughing and crying at the same time…your my kind of mamma and I love your honesty. Well done
this is the exact thing that runs through my mind ALL. THE. TIME! Thank you for putting it out there! I have 5 kids, oldest is 17 youngest is almost one year – I’ve been through every stage except the moving out – and that’s quickly approaching. You wouldn’t imagine the emotions/thoughts that go through the mind of a momma whose first born is about to graduate and become an adult and whose last child is turning one. There are days I am nostalgic and think I should be cherishing the 2 a.m. feedings, but others where I just want to f’n sleep! And on the other side, I want to cry because my oldest son (my “baby”) is now spending every free moment with his friends and girlfriend…. But, shit, why does he keep asking me for money?! Get an f’n job, move out, and leave me alone!!!! Ahhhhhh, yes. I am very grateful for all my children, but there are, for sure, fuck off times. Thank you for reassuring me that I’m not the only one that feels it. Xoxoxoxoxo
SO. MUCH. THIS!
Yep I sympathise, I remember when mine were newborn, 2,4,6,8,10. All grownup now and yes I often sleep late and dont feel one bit guilty, wish there had been Facebook support back then, hang in there, your time will come darlin 🙂
OMFreakingG! As I lay here at 5am, after not getting to sleep until almost 2am, my 18 month old still up every 45 minutes to 2 hours to nurse, and getting kicked by him in those 3 hours (this is an every night ordeal), hubby needed me to make sure he was out of bed in time to go to work. So, I’m very sleep deprived. Oh, I have an 11, almost 12 year old daughter that sleeps with me too, when he goes to work or works nights, and then she kicks me too. I never have a piece of the bed to myself. I’m exhausted. Everyone tells me to wean the boy (but they don’t get to listen to his high pitched scream when he doesn’t get his milkies), and same with putting him in his room. It’s not like I haven’t tried! This. Is. Perfect!
I am so happy to read this. I completely agree with what ypu wrote here. Finally someone has the guts to tell the truth. Thank you.
Bless you, I loved this! mine are 5 & 9 and I still get interrupted sleep. I just started unfollowing anyone who got on my tits. It was for the best for my health and for not seeing their ill-conceived comments. Thanks for this made my day!
Thanks for writing exactly how you feel!! It was such a breath of bresh air. It made me laugh out loud, and I needed to hear it, it’s just so real and I can definately relate to it! There are so many of us out there going through exactly the same struggles and sleep deprivation..and getting “be grateful” comments from people who have been through it and forgotten what it was like drives me absolutely insane!! People expect you to be loving every minute of motherhood and cope with all the stress and no sleep..but it’s fucking HARD!!! Of course you love your little ones with all your heart, but sometimes it is all completely overwhelming. Sometimes you want to scream, and cry, and give up..but you can’t. You have to keep going, and get up again and again in the night to your hungry or unsettled child/children when you are desperate to sleep. It’s (without question) the hardest job I have ever done, because there is no end to it. But I am grateful! 😉
Absolutely loved your post as it totally expresses how we all feel deep down. I raised my first two boys on my own. They are now 22 and 19. Then, in my forties….wait for it….I had two more boys. So much easier the second time around mentally, but so physically exhausting I just fell into a dead sleep every night. Especially bubby number four, who had reflux and we spent a lot of time looking for a formula that worked. We did this while he screamed out of pain and hunger. Now my two youngest boys are 7 and 4. Things are easier, of course because they feed and toilet themselves but seriously, at forty eight, I am completely exhausted every day. just listening to them telling about their day at school and preschool makes me tired. I get it about when your mind covers up the pain odd past deliveries, but when I went into labour at forty four, I thought “Oh my god…I’ve done it again”. Seriously though, I am so proud of the fact that I am a loving mother. I love my children more than anything or anyone in he world. But, you know, it’s tough. It’s tough going every single day because every day is different. Is it worth it??????? Hell YES!!!! Thank you for giving me a giggle. ?
Amazing. I have a three year old and a 6 month old. I haven’t had a good nights sleep in years, but specifically the last 3 weeks the boys have performed a spectacular tag team relay of keeping me up from 2am-6am. TWO TILL SIX FUCKING AM!!! GIVE ME STRENTH!!!! When I dare to moan to anyone who then says to be grateful, I straight up tell them to fuck off… I don’t care if they think I’m rude. I’m not going to beat about the bush faux-gracefully accepting parenting advice that is bullshit.
And another thing… This post was shared on my FB page but other mums I know that have ONLY ONE CHILD SO FAR. HAHAHAHAHA! You have no idea people!!! Wait till the next ones come along and ruin you even more!!! ONE BABY IS A PIECE OF CAKE!!! I don’t know why it annoys me so much. Put it down to the servere lack of sleep… Zzzzzz.
I like you!!! I don’t think that could have been said any better. I have a 2 year old and a 9 month old (both boys) I. GET. IT. Thanks for saying it.
Thank you!!!! OMG thank you!!!!
Wow! I thought this article was written about me! My almost 3 year old takes up nearly all the bed as well and my almost 5 month old seems to be attached to the boob 24/7! Yes, you are right that it gets hard to “complain” because of those exact comments. My least favorite comment is why did you have more? Grrrr. Thanks for this article.
I don’t have kids (**yet**) so have all of the above to look forward to but even with no kids I can completely understand your feelings on this matter and just reading “be greatful” comments on other friends status who do have kids and find it tough makes me irritated! #shutthehellup
Brilliant! What is it about parenthood that suddenly means you’re not allowed to vent about having a hard day because you should be grateful? I find it’s not just older people but people in general who have this attitude like “well, you decided to become a parent” So!? It’s like saying to someone who’s had a tough day at work “You should love and be grateful for every minute of your job because one day you’ll be too old to work”.
Sadly, I’ve even heard that. Tough day of work, and a friend tells me I should be grateful to even have a job, because jobs are hard to find. Needless to say, I didn’t vent to her anymore, and we don’t really even talk anymore.
Omg!!! I often feel like this. My lil fella is 2 and will only sleeping my bed, like yours, as soon as I move I end up with an inch of bed to sleep on! Well done you xx
I love this post and have a similar themed one being written in my head. Very honest and refreshing. Thank you for sharing it x
Amen to that sister!!! I find myself telling myself be grateful, be grateful, be grateful, repeating it like a mantra. I swear I am trying to convince myself. Yes I am grateful for my 2 beautiful children. But does that also mean I have to be grateful for all the annoying shit that comes along with them ummm no lol. When they are grown I am doubtful I will be yearning for the days of explosive diarrhea or tripping over another effing toy & nearly breaking my neck or dropping the baby nope can’ t see that happening. I’d like to think that I will be enjoying the company of my well adjusted adult children and hell if I do start to yearn for the good old days then I will just have to come back and eat my words ?
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this post. It makes ME feel like less of an asshole. I could have written this post, for the most part. Thank you. You are an angel for doing this.
Totally agree with you! As a parent of 3 teens AND a 2yo, I’d like to say this. How about some gratitude for those big kids?? The ones you aren’t worried might die in their sleep from SIDS, that can wipe their own asses and um, do CHORES? Or even get their own jobs and quit spending your money? If you have an empty nest, doesn’t that mean you did something “right”? Like not kill your kids during those really hard parenting years? Enjoy your reward of sleeping in, reading a book, traveling, having grandkids! And if you miss it sooooo much, do what my aunt does and be a foster mom for babies who need a loving home. There.
I have boys on both ends that have caused me to lose sleep at night. My consolation/hope is that one day they will be independent functioning adults. I am grateful for ALL my children, but that doesn’t mean some days (and nights) don’t suck.
Thank you for speaking out!
Bloody love this!
Excellent. Nicely said. I have a 4, 10, and 11 year old. I’m nostalgic for the cutes, but not the stinks. Not one bit.
LMAO!
Oh, the memories this post evokes! Not good ones 🙂
So here’s the thing…..do yourself a favour and only do this once. I don’t mean one child, I mean one go at parenting…..be it 1 or 4 kids. Have them, suitably spaced (whatever timing works for you), and just do this shit once. Unlike me, and friends of mine. We got to the: kids are able to look after them selves to a certain degree stage. The: boning their dad and having lovely wine and alcohol induced evenings with our grown up friends. The: wow only 10, 8, or 1 more year til they move out, stage. And them BAM!!! That REALLY GOOD night you two just had? Best hot sex you’ve had since the kids were born?? Yep….9 months later it all starts again. But NOW, you are in your late 30’s, your 40’s and you not only have little big kids running around, you have this screaming, shitting, never sleeping, boob sucking machine on your hands. And you feel every single one of your advanced years….and then some. I was “lucky”. My little big kids were 8 and 10. Old enough to help out, get themselves dressed and out the door for school and give great cuddles. To ME and the new one. It was a life experience that only the hardiest can handle …. I say this, because I survived. Just. And so did all the kids. Not for everyone, for sure.
My friends wet themselves with laughter at our “surprise”. Saying that, two of them followed me into “second parenthood”. One couple has a reversal after swearing they were done and went on to have 2 more kids. The other?? Yeah…her daughter was 17 and started college the week before her second was born. Who had the last laugh there??
Although my youngest was a surprise (and holy Mother of God those sleepless nights are quite a shocker to the system), she was amazing and continues to be now that the other two have gone to live their lives. She’s 10 and a constant source of joy (and anger, frustration and bad language). They finally sleep (though still often with you -like a starfish). The memories fade. You remember the feeling of what an awful time it was when you were sleep deprived, but not the actual details. And then, you start to wonder…………should we have just one more?????? Read your blog from start to finish, before making your decision 🙂 and keep blogging!! Amazing, heartfelt, REAL stuff.
All the best xx
You’re in the wrong Facebook groups. I can post the nastiest things about my kids and the ladies in my mummies group love it. I would have written FUCK THIS SHIT and worse probably.
Thanks for posting this Leonie. I understand the “be grateful” from a whole other standpoint (my only daughter is dead so I will never have those moments – good or bad), but you’re absolutely right. It’s not the time to point it out…not to mention, I think that lots of times the parents we remind to be grateful already are, as you said. Everyone needs support no matter what their parenting journey looks like. Thanks for being all “take no prisoners” about this. 🙂
I’m also sorry that your night sucked. This kind of stuff terrifies me about having living children (and I mean that in the nicest way possible!!).
you are my hero! thank you for putting into words, what, I am sure, millions of overtired, dazed mothers have ever wanted to say!
You’re awesome… and your kids are awesome, too… especially when they’re asleep. 😉
Wow! I could have written this. Haven’t had a full nights slept in four years and I’ve also had messages telling me how grateful I should be. I am greatful but I’m also f*ING knackered. My two def do a bit of tag teaming and I would really really like MY bed back. Bet hubby does too. He sleeps on the sofa every night poor man. Also, I totally get the shit or far game lol.
I fucking love you. I”ve felt like an asshole so many times for wondering if maybe the kids are demon possessed. You’re not along- my 3 year old wakes up screaming some nights 5-6 times. Not from a nightmare, but because she knows that’s what gets my ass out of bed. I remember thinking that exact though – how does the toddler sleep WORSE than my newborn? I’ve awoken more than I care to admit publicly muttering to myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you – I’m so sick of this shit.” Thanks for being so brutally honest.
I completely loved your post!! I too felt that way when I had a 4 years old boy and then had twin girls and my husband bailed, so it was just us all by our selves. Some how we managed to get through! Every parent feels the way you do at times and that’s ok, your entitled to vent, it doesn’t mean you love your babies any less !! Try to squeeze in some me time , even if it’s just one day a week for 2 or 3 hours , it will make a huge difference! !
And someone telling you your going to miss these days of being , pissed and shit on , or vomit ending up all over you if full of shit !! What you will miss is their sweet little kisses and hugs, and how much they so freely show there love for you !!! Good luck sweetheart! ! Keep up the good work, & hold on to you sanity! If I was able to raise 3, with out there dad around you can too !! Best wishes for you !!!
How my mother dealt with seven of us I will never know!
Just loved this. We all love our kids but when they are sick, needy, clingy—how I wish it would just stop. As adults we need our space, our sleep, our sanity! I too have people daily tell me to be grateful and i always feel guilty and now i feel guilty for the earlier years where I desperately just wanted them to grow up and wipe their own poopy butts, actually throw up in a bowl and make it to the bathroom. Parenting is harsh and as one commenter said, as they grow it just changes- it does not go away!!! Mine are 10 and 7 now. I have no idea how we survived this far. One painful, harsh day at a time, right? Parents and parents to be NEED to know the road they walk or will walk is filled with horrid potholes and they have every right to feel the way they do about it. Good for you!!!
They should teach this stuff in Childbirth Education/ Newborn Care class!! “The Realities of Mommy Hood! The Good, The Bad & The Ugly” LOL!!!! Great read at this hour!
Great article. Currently parenting a 2,4 and 15 year old. The best way I’ve ever heard it put is “The days are long, the years are short”
Its really nice to be able to hear honesty in parenting, its not easy at all, i remember my son when he was younger, hanging off a boob, sleeping in my bed, taking over my life… and found it so isolating, id go on facebook to vent my frustration when he’d spread sudocrem into the sofa or had a bout of puking all night. .. etc… normal kid stuff but headwrecking… and all i got back was ‘hes a gift’ ‘youll miss him when he’s a teen’ the usual bla bla bla. I felt like it turned me into a really horrible person because i wished every annoying thing on them when they had their own kids!.
Reblogged this on Jump Or Stay In The Boat and commented:
Not a Mum yet but love this. Will definitely try to be more helpful to my new mum friends e.g. Bring more chocolate round ?
I read this in the tired daze that I’ve been in the last 15 months and burst out laughing about the well-rested people people candy crush because THAT is wildly accurate. I tell myself to “be grateful” and “he’ll only be this little for such a short time” to get myself through yet another long ass day and sleepless night. I love my child and I am literally with him every. single. moment. but I still feel like a total ass for zoning out into my phone or venting about how exhausted I am. Thank you for writing this!
I couldn’t have worded this better myself!
HELL FUCKING YES!! It’s frustrating and exhausting being a parent, let us be frustrated and exhausted and if you’re not going to try lighten the mood fuck off 😉
You should be writing a book. You are hilarious. You have the ability to put your real feelings on paper and make someone who has never raised kids really Get It.
OMG! Thank you! Someone else gets it! It sounded like my own internal monologue! Mine is six and he’s my only one but sometimes I feel like I have FIVE!
Wow- I’m so grateful for you!!!
As a new mother – feeling a little desperate… This comes at such a great time! You read fb and feel like the worst mother ever sometimes. You are so incredible right about everything you said.
I appreciate your honestly and it does feel nice to have support.
Fb makes us feel like such aasholes sometimes!
It does make you feel horrible and like there is no support.
Sleep deprivation is not easy and this mommyhood shit is tough!
Thank you for the breath of fresh air. Sigh of relief:) 🙂 🙂
Thank you so much for this post…I totally get it. My step daughters are 10 and 6 and whenever I say something about being run down from attitudes and temper tantrums and blah blah blah I always have this one person who always says “be grateful..they won’t be that age forever” and i just want to scream at her…and of course it’s the one person who has never had a kid and doesn’t get the whole ” I’m gonna sit here and scream and stomp bc I was told to brush my teeth” temper tantrum. Drives me insane…
Love this post…just amazing:) keep up the great work mama:)
Loved your post as it so true to life! Its hard as a parent when kids are little and all your get is the be grateful rant for others.
Thank you! I couldn’t have said it better myself. I am the mother of three boys and last week they all hand the flu and it was two days of vomit and poo. On the first night after cleaning up an amazing amount of projectile vomit, that covered a 6′ x4′ area in my house, at 2am, I walked like a zombie back to my room to find all three boys spread eagle in my bed. WTF!! They are 2,7 and 8. I get it. They are sick but I have been cleaning up poo explosions and vomit since 7pm with only about 45mins of sleep. I make a bed on the hard floor and curl in the fetal position to pray for sleep until the next one decides it easier to throw up on the floor, wall, or me instead of the toilet.
i feel the same way many times. And often the comments are coming from friends who have kids almost the same age as mine!
I sooooo get you my little one is 6 months and has NEVER slept through the night she usually waked up every 3-4 hours on a few good night
I sooooo get you my little one is 6 months and has NEVER slept through the night she usually wakes up every 3-4 hours on a few good night
I know I’m not the only one who wishes sometimes they would just go away ( my kids I mean ) lol, but yes very reluctant to talk about it for fear of not appreciating “How lucky you are to even have kids” or “You had to have an emergency hysterectomy”? “Well you are very lucky, better treasure every second” Jesus Christ as if I didn’t already think I was a failure of a mother, some stranger wages in with another unwanted opinion or just a good old fashioned cheek squeeze for the kiddies, making mummy almost lose her shit.
I am grateful. But sometimes,
We all just want to run away.
And don’t need to be constantly told how we should feel, when ‘shit scared’ is how I feel almost all of the time as a mother. A bit of encouragement makes the world of difference.
Wow, did you write this post for me? I hate when people say be grateful, it makes me feel i am not allowed to vent about a rough day as if they are secretly telling me to shut up. What is facebook for if i can’t vent crazy stuff in hopes others will feel my pain. I too share a bed with a 1 1/2 yr old because he seems to feeds every 30 min.
when you createca facebook group for us let me know, i want to join where we all can complain and laugh and never here ‘you should be grateful again’…
🙂 look me up under amber tymn shumway so i can jump in the group. 🙂
My twins are nearly 12. I have few clear memories of their first year because I was in such a fog of fatigue. I remember wanting to deck my ex’s dad when he would tell me those were the best years of my life. They weren’t, though they contained a few moments of great beauty. aut really does get better. You eventually get to have kids and boundaries at the same time, really you do. You will not be nostalgic for the times when you couldn’t sit on the toilet without big eyes staring at you, or toddler fingers reaching under the bathroom door. Well done, mama. When you tell the truth, you make space for other mamas to tell the truth. Haters can pound sand.
Im 45 and my youngest is 17 and about to graduate high school. I swing wildly from “OMG its almost over and I lived through it” to “OMG MY BABIES!!!” I have 4. Yes I miss them, a lot, but I dont miss the crap. I dont miss the being broke, the yelling, the no sleep, the no money, etc, etc, . …
I LIKE being 45 and having my kids almost grown (and, please God, out of the house for the last one) so dont worry. Yeah, you’ll look back and kinda wonder where the time went but you’ll LOVE having yourself to…yourself
Love this! It even starts with pregnancy. My husband and I found out our second baby is a girl. And I am so grateful to have a second baby and I am excited to meet my new little girl and for my daughter to have a sister. BUT, my husband and I both wanted the experience is raising a son. There is a real thing, that is referred to as “gender dissapointment” and even though we are grateful for, what is to be, our new little being we are mourning the loss of nver getting the chance to know what it is like to raise a son. I shared this on a pregnancy community page and of course got a slough of “be grateful”. Yes, I know! But can I have real people – honest feelings too?
After trying to conceive for 6 years for my first baby, 2 & 1/2 years later I had another 2 within 11 months, 3 under 4 years! I love my creeps with all my heart and after having such a struggle to conceive even one. I am extremely great full BUT… I soo get what you are saying! ALL of it. From the bipolar emotions we feel about them, we love them but sometimes resent them at the same time and the bloody do gooder comments when we voice our opinions!…. Well said and keep saying what you feel. …:-)
Amazing! I absolutely get it! I was young (17) when I had my daughter. In those 2nd to 4th years I was juggling finishing high school and working full time at a nursing home as well as being a mother. Fortunately I was still living with my parents and siblings that they helped me so much. My son on the other hand, we now live 3 provinces away from any family and from infancy my now 2.5 year old can be a nightmare sometimes. From birth to 4 months were the best. He slept from 7 pm to 7 am. It was a dream come true. But his teeth started cutting through and that was the end of that. Now over 2 years later he still wakes up anywhere from 1 to 5 times a night. Either wanting a bottle or crawling into my bed. I usually end up performing an amazing balancing act sleeping on the very edge of the bed so not to disturb dad. He also seems to never hear when our son is crying. I wake up at the first sound my son makes. I used to be such a heavy sleeper I was able to sleep through road construction outside my old apartment. My parents are taking my kids to Ontario for the month of July. I know I’ll miss them but I’m also secretly excited for their trip so I am finally able to sleep peacefully.
HA! I always remind myself this is only for a season. The next season will bring it’s own challenges, hopefully it will be with a cleaner house. My kids are 17,6,2, and any day now a new one will be here. I pray about every 20 minutes that God will help me make it through to bed time. Then again I remind myself, this is only for a season, as smoke spewing from my ears worth the anger I’m holding back because my 6 year old won’t stop fighting with my 2 year old because she’s not playing the way he wants her to, no matter how much he’s explaining it. Or my 17 year old is telling his 6 year old brother that he’ll never be his friend and doesn’t care what he had to say and wants to be left alone. I confess, I’m a yeller and screamer. I do pretty good most of the day, but there comes a point I no longer can hold it in and all hell breaks loose and my fists hit the kitchen counter and I start screaming to “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! JUST BE NICE TO EACH OTHER! FOR ONCE! JUST. BE. NICE!” ? I hate hearing other parents crappy comments, “one day you’ll be wishing you could go back to this time” NO I won’t. Because, my husband and I have plans. Travel plans. Lots of them. As a travel agent, I learn constantly of new places I want to go, places I want to travel. JUST with my husband. Selfish? Yup. I’m ok with it.
So from one mommy to another, good luck our day will come when we can party, travel, pack bags and run away for a weekend and be wreckless. We will sleep in til noon after going to bed at 3am by choice. I’m grateful. I’ll be equally as grateful to have my life back too.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you!!!!! Thank you for making me feel like less of an ungrateful asshole for feeling this way sometimes (she types in bed, with her 6 year old daughters leg flung across her abdomen).
I vow to NEVER say that stuff to new mums EVER. I’ll tell it to them like it is – the good AND the bad.
I HEAR YOU!!
Ive got a 5yr, a 2.7 yr, and a 14 month old, its crazy and Ive got hired help with home chores, so technically I should be dancing on clouds, but Im not. I love them with my whole being but at that Hellish hour of the night, I have found myself crying in silence, sleep walking in between potty breaks, night terrors and feedings.
But be grateful (please notice the sarcasm). Im reaaally grateful, every single moment, but Im a little tinsy bitsy overtired. Loving them always!
Keep writing I need someone to put on “paper” what I feel!!! ?
I am so there, my 18 month old doesn’t sleep well at all. It drives me nuts, he slept better as a new born then he does a toddler. And to add insult to injury I’m pregnant. Knowing that if he doesn’t start sleeping throughout the night my life is going to be very hard. Not to mention my husband is less useful than a toddler and never helps. So I can only imagine I’ll be bashing my head on walls all night. I know all the kids are going to older in a few years. But doesn’t justify the feelings now. Best of luck fellow mom. There’s 7,000,000,000+ of us in the world, we’ll make it… Cheers!
Yes girls be grateful and i know you are deep down. But don’t let us older parents give you a hard time: to be honest most forget what it was like and how they struggled. Just do what gets you through and vent when you need to because bottling it up is far worse. Be grateful, yes i too should have been too but we do are best just to get through. Mums are awesome no matter what so enjoy it, rant as much as you need to when it sucks and don’t worry there is time to look back and be grateful but for now just hang in there and laugh cry and support each other. This is a great story, well done and thanks for sharing.
PS: when people are judgemental about how you are doing things, ignore them. I think of two friends: one who rocked her only child to sleep every night with a dummy until she was at least 5 yrs old and another whose youngest a girl,would go get up and go sleep with her parents most nights to about age 7. Strange i thought at the time, yet here we are both girls around 20 yrs old and they both turned out A-ok, amazing and well adjusted. Do whatever makes it bearable and gets you through. You mummas rock xxxx
I totally get it. Both sides. I do both, I AM both sides. See, I have a grown son, he’s out of the house on his own now 21 years old. My next three are 5, 3 and almost 2 with then next due in a few months. I can easily say I feel BOTH sides. You know what, BOTH sides are 100%right. #IamGrateful that I have the wisdom to see that YES, you can’t even imagine it right now..but that bullshit about “you’ll miss it” really does happen, even when you never think it would. Now I feel even MORE grateful that I actually have that first hand knowledge of how fast it really does go..and I use that as ammo to get me through the really rough days…you all know the days mamas..the days you feel your family just might become a statistic. Parenting is hard, being mom is harder. All I can say is when someone who knows this tries to remind you, take it with a grain of salt (then throat punch them in your mind) I know it, and it makes me love my kiddos even at their worst, even when I feel like my eyelids weigh in at 1000lbs and are filled with sand. I am so grateful that I have this experience, it really does help…and I think that’s what people TRY to get across with that stupid saying that you will never understand until you are saying it yourself 🙁 Much love mamas hang in there, it never gets easier!
After a week of not sleeping cause either my 3yr old decided she’s afraid of her sheep, or my 5 yr old needs her juice at 3am I just lost it when my older threw away her dinner just I as went to the loo with the younger one. Yes I love them to bits but no: being grateful for all the shit they choose to thow at me is not part of the deal.
On the other hand it is nice that it is now ok to say that. My mum would never be allowed to complain. In her times it was just not done… Maybe we should be grateful for the right to complain?
So I have a 13 year old girl and I was missing all the cuteness, but enjoying my sleep. No more babies for me do I got a puppy. Now I have a 13 year old and a puppy taking up my bed and I get the corner as big as my pillow to sleep in. WTF was I thinking????
i have 3 and they are all over the age of 11- It’s easy to be grateful now haha! Vent away girl we understand! 🙂
Amen, sister.
There’s even some days with my 9,8, and 6 year old where I’m all are shitting me? I thought they were supposed to get easier. Now they’re constantly arguing over dumb shit that doesn’t matter. Some days it’s better than others. I honestly don’t miss them being 100% dependant on me….feeding every two hours, the youngest used to poop her diaper in the middle of the night, rip her pajamas off, take the diaper off and playin the poop…talk about gross! We fixed this by putting on her footie pajamas backwards so she couldn’t reach the zipper.
I love this post! I had people tell me the same thing when mine were little. And, I felt like crap because I didn’t always feel grateful because life with babies is hard, especially if there’s no one around to help you or just take the kids for an hour during the day so you can shower without having one ear cocked for the cries of a hungry/wet/angry child. Now that they’re self-sufficient humans who really just need me to sign permission slips, cook a decent meal, and drive them here, there and everywhere, I OCCASIONALLY miss holding them when they were little. But truth be told, I don’t want to go back to those hard but wonderful days. I hope I remember to never say, you should be grateful because as you said you can be SO grateful and SO tired/overwhelmed/feeling like crap about this new body that isn’t anything like it was before it all began at the same time. Good luck!
I use to hate when I’d hear oh my child slept right through the night from the get go( I use to think ya right , you were probably so sleep deprived you don’t remember)
Mine are now 11, 10 and 8 1/2. When they were younger they never napped. I had many of those mid- night moments. I feel the exact same way! And I really thought it was just my family. Oh, and my boys still sleep with me from time to time. Last night and the night before because Dad is out of town, but I am sucking it all in while they still want to. Even if I can’t turn my head to the left and I am SOOO exhausted! I am grateful! And today will be filled with fights and messes and undone homework and chores. But I don’t dare complain on social media for the same reason! I don’t need the comments that will just make me cry.
Yeah, I’m “old” and my two boys are grown. Sure I miss them at that age, but at the risk of losing my “Grateful Parent” card, I’ll admit I don’t miss the crummy parts. Crummy being exploding boobs, projectile vomiting, lack of sleep. (Holy moly, the lack of sleep!) I also remember being very conflicted and guilty because of the parts I didn’t enjoy. I’ve always been so grateful and have always felt so blessed that I got to be their mother! (They call me Moogie) Even though I wouldn’t trade ANY of the time spent raising them, I clearly remember the times I just wanted to sleeeeep. Or be clean. Or have an hour to myself. Not to be selfish, but to rejuvenate a little so I could handle the tough parts better. There’s a whole other set of guilts when you’re so tired that you lose patience and yell at one of them. And that happens. And then you feel even worse! Just hang in there through the rough spots and don’t hold it against yourself when you’re having a hard day with them. This too shall pass. Then you’ll be on the other side with us oldies, just choosing to remember the fun, “glamorous” parts, because remembering that sometimes we felt just like you do sometimes, gives us the guilts all over again. And surely we didn’t feel that way! (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) We all love and cherish our children and wouldn’t trade them for the world. Mine made me what I always wanted to be…a mom. So, even though some people won’t admit it, (because they fear losing their “Grateful Parent” card over it) we, who have been blessed to be parents, have ALL been there. Well, except maybe people who are royalty and only have to deal with the fun stuff. They don’t know anything about it.
One of my most nourishing moments as a new mom was in my mom’s group when I was allowed, even encouraged, to scream: “sometimes I just want to throw my baby out the window.” Not because I would ever do it, not because I didn’t love her more than I had ever loved anyone, but because I was more tired than I had ever been in my life and finally there were people who understood it. This is how it is.
Hi hun, I know just how you feel. I have a daughter who is 3 in march, she is profoundly deaf so she wakes up alot of times during the night. We share a bed at the moment as we don’t have a place of out own at th moment and my husband works. I understand how tired you feel and people tell you to be greatful. You have the right to say how you feel, as you have two young children and it will be hard work, but I know that you are thankful to have them. My daughter takes up the whole bed and I end up on the edge, as well as waking up lots of times through night terrors and I end up holding my eyes open with invisible match sticks, saying ” for fuck sake I just want to sleep” but doesn’t mean that I don’t love her any less. Please don’t feel as people say you are a bad mum
Your not, you are feeling what all parents feel at times, it’s natural hun, and I don’t judge you I honour you for being such a strong woman hun xxxx xxxx
You speak my thoughts x
I am the mother of a 21 yr old and a soon to be 18 yr old, and I am going to tell you that I feel your pain! I was once where you are and I didn’t love every minute of it! Some days I wanted to crawl under a rock and if I heard the word mommy used ‘one more time’ I was going to lose it! All I can tell you is it gets better, you eventually get more sleep and when you do you’ll love those babies even more! I do miss the days that the girls were babies but I do not want to go back! Keep posting those pics and comments, you are helping other mothers know that what they are feeling is ok!
I am praying that you and they get more sleep!
muhahah you are great!! Been there done that! But you my friend put it onto great words
God, thats true!! Thank you so much for sharing your honest thoughts and feelings. Reading your post made me feel so much not alone, understood, loved. I am a single mum with an 11 month old little one i can die for. Yet yes
I agree it’s okay to express feelings of frustration and stress and going insane! Cause parenting does cause all of this, plus all the obvious positives…I could oppose and state that when we do make these nagging statements it could come off as a complaint of unhappiness. And to that they say “be thankful” because some have had worse than others, perhaps a sick child that didn’t survive. In that case those parents may take offense of our bickering over tiredness or cleaning sh*t off of floors..because at a time-that meant their child was alive and needed them, it gave them a feeling of purpose taking care of them aka being a parent.And if they have now lost all those moments/opportunities..they might just say “be thankful, you may miss it some day.”
HA! Spot on.
There are days I want to post “I quit Mommyhood” but know the responses I would get, so I don’t. I love my children and would never give them up, would do anything for them… But that doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t feel the way I do when I’m frustrated with them. I wish I had known how hard raising children would be. Some days it down right sucks and other days I delighted beyond belief. When I talk to other parents or see articles written like this one I am so thankful I’m not the only one who feels this way. So thank you for sharing. It’s important to let parents vent and be honest about how they feel. Those feelings can be consuming if not acknowledged and validated. Once they are out, it’s easier to let them go.
Some days I want to be selfish and have no responsibility for someone else’s life. I can pine for those old days, that does not mean I love my children any less. In fact, after feeling that way and bitching about it, I realize I love them even more.
Thanks again! And I wish you some sleepful nights in the near future.
This made me cry. An overreaction? Probably.
But it’s a reaction born of an extreme lack of sleep and waking up this morning to a soaking wet bed and a mysteriously diaperless 16-month-old.
It’s always nice to find you’re not alone.
Im 57 … my boys are 23 and 17…. both still at home…. but about to leave… I hear you…. Although Im not retired nor playing Candy Crush all day… I DO NOT MISS those days of children being windmills in my bed… being dragged up from a glorious sleep… feeling like a zombie with a bad hair do… all products of early childhood parenting. I was so glad when my kids slept through the night …. It was bitter sweet to finish b-feeding… but so glad that they were independent now… there were days when i could have gladly run screaming down the road away from my little darlings because i was so over it…. these days i occasionally get the nostalgic thing about the best things around parenting young kids and that is nice too… looking forward to being a grandparent cos i reckon im gonna get all the good stuff and my kids will be dealing with the rough stuff…
I now have three teens and you know what? I remember the not sleeping, boob attached, no room in the bed days like they were yesterday and I don’t miss them one little bit! I am grateful: grateful that I survived those days without throwing my babies out the window, grateful that I even managed to be a decent parent on a few days, grateful that today I can have conversations with the kids that go like “hey, can you not do that? It’s not reasonable” and they say “aw, ok, sorry”, and more than anything else, grateful that kids grow up, because holy hell those days are hard!!
Oh, I’m also grateful that my mom never says “be grateful blah blah blah”. Instead she says “wow, I forgot how hard kids were, how do you do it? How did I do it??”
Thanks so much for this blog post. It made me cry. I know there’s lots of humour in it but I cried really hard reading it because I can resonate with the things you’ve written. Sleeplessness has become a big part of my life as my two children (8 and 6 year old) were born with complex disabilities. Sleep deprivation becomes a thing that happen regularly. You are correct that there’s hardly a good support network for mums. People are quick to judge other people. Mums are often expected to be super mums so it’s hard to talk to anyone when you’re going through sleep deprivation. If you turn to the church, you’ll probably be offered a prayer. I know with kids with disabilities, there is help with sleep tablets to help the kids settle and one of mine has already being out on it by our doctor but they are still kids and they just don’t sleep well all the same. You still need to wake up to change thier night nappies, offer drinks when they are thirsty and trust me; they are always thirsty at night lol, put them back to bed if they’ve rolled off and regularly check that they are okay (mine uses an overnight ventilator to support her breathing and sleep apnoea ) . I also run my own business so you can imagine that our Sleeplessness is synonymous with infinity! ! Thank you for the article. I still smiled at the end of the article 🙂
Yes! Yes! Yes! As a parent of a special needs child, I hear this all the time. “Things will get better.”
No. No, they won’t get better. They’ll change and they’ll be different. We’ll adapt and provide him with tools to control his behavior, but things will change and we’ll be right back at square one.
Don’t patronize me with the strong-woman inspirational quotes or tell me to cherish his good times as there’s blood streaming down my face. Not just tears. Blood too.
It won’t get better. Autism is forever. I need someone who’s gonna bring me chocolate (like you said) or agree that this sucks or just let me cry. While I am grateful for my child, this is a broken mom who does not derive strength from the “you should” posts of loved ones on FB.
Oh, sweetheart.
Any time I hear “Why don’t you just… ” I finish the sentence in my head “… grow wings and fly?” because that’s what I feel like I’m being asked to do.
How about when you hear “You should… ” you finish the sentence in your head as “… fold my opinion up so that it’s all corners and shove it up my fundament, since that’s where it came from in the first place.”
amen 🙂 I think this applies really well to pregnancy as well! I had a really hard pregnancy (I actually had my mother tell me at one point she hadn’t met someone who had a pregnancy like mine) and every time I put anything on Facebook about being tired, sore or just ready to finish already I got the obligatory be grateful responses. A lot of these from friends/family who had the stereotypical glowing pregnancies or who hadn’t had kids at all! It made me want to scream!! It made me feel like a horrible mum-to-be and that I was a bad person to not be enjoyng the pregnancy experience.
I now have a beautiful son who I love more than anything and who made everything worth it but it still boiled my blood that people assumed that I didn’t know that he would make it worthwhile in the end.
From a 64-year-old Grama (spelling invented by the oldest grandchild), hang in there. You’ll be back to the concerts and bourbon before you know it. Maybe with them. And probably not sleeping through the night, because nature continues to play weird tricks. In the grand scheme of things, if we can let the gratitude outweigh the frustration, we’re ahead of the game and life is good. And when the time comes, don’t let anyone impose that “empty nest” concept on you. Worst.term.ever. Embrace the opportunities at each phase of life and live! Like you’re doing now. And definitely have some chocolate.
I agree with you. People say dumb shit especially grandma aged women who raised their children in a different time and most likely did not work on top of all the parenthood shenanigans… that said my jaded first reaction is stop posting gripes on fb because you will always get that response so fuxk them and only post your happy beautiful family moments so everyone can like bc people are fake and condescending and even if they know the reality of struggle others face they don’t want to hear about it because they like to go around life and pretend like everything is perfect.
My kids are 10 & 7 and I STILL feel this way!
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you.
I’ve had five kids, the youngest is now 18. I vividly recall the racking exhaustion along with the good times, and can happily let my kids go and live their own lives now, knowing I did the best I knew how (when capable). That “one day” has arrived, and I’m loving it. Went away for a long weekend with husband for Valentine’s. Did I miss my kids? Not a bit. I’ll always be there for them, but am perfectly content when they don’t need me too. Thanks for your story; reminding me of the time i too wanted to tell my comforters to piss off!
This article is brilliant and honest and funny and I’m so glad you had the guts to write it. Parenting is hard! And there is not one book out there that tells you how it really is, other mum’s also don’t want to tell you how hard it is for fear of someone judging them. Fuck that. If your child is happy and healthy then you have a great job! Don’t let others judge you or keeping saying be grateful. I am flippen greatful for my princess… And I certainly don’t need some old hag who misses her baby to keep telling me that… Amen sisters!
Yes. So. Much. YES. Maybe these elder parent’s “mom-nesia” made them forget what it is like to be in the trenches elbow deep in shit at two am or late to a meeting when your kid has a blow out and dammit you forgot the wipes so you clean him up with Powerade Zero and some Dunkin Donuts napkins (hypothetical, of course…). I don’t think we need to be #grateful. I agree it is an unhealthy, condescending, patronizing response. I think that we can all gather under the mutual understanding that we don’t have to be grateful, hell we can even hate THIS…but we do it because we ARE grateful, protective, and totally head over heels in love with THEM.
This is the first post of yours that I have read. It was sent to me by a friend. I will absolutely be reading your future posts. Thank you and well done.
I wrote a status similar to this in the early days with my munchkin, I had some lovely sympathetic comments from other mummies. Then came the two from some dads, one said “suck it up” the other was “this is nothing wait until to have to go work the next day after being woken up 4 times a night” I unfriended both within seconds of reading them and I’ve not spoken to them since, that was 5 years ago!!
Yes..Yes..Yes..you are so right…I am a Nana now and I do remember it all…so I try helping my children out as much as I can….over night too sometimes..that is what moms do…
Its ok to feel that way
I’d love to reblog or repost this without the cursing. I am totally ok with it, but in order to not alienate moms of faith (or that just don’t like cursing), would you consider reposting or allowing someone to ***** the questionable words? There are lots of moms who need to read this, but they would be turned off at the headline, and that’s unfortunate for them!
Hi Mel, here is a censored version https://boganette.wordpress.com/2015/03/02/i-am-grateful-and/. Thanks, B.
Reblogged this on thoughts.are.dots. and commented:
Empathy over advice.
My 3 yo still sleeps with me. I have a queen sized bed and somehow I have to sleep on the edge and still wind up getting kicked in the face all night. How does something so small take up so much space? But, I digress, I get the same shit from my family. “I had 4 boys under 4. Blah blah blah.” Or “I had 3 girls by time I was 19.” Blah fucking blah. I get it. We all do. You know I saw a meme that just said “Behind every awesome kid is a mom who’s sure she’s screwing it all up.” We do the best we can and we love every frustrating minute of it.
That post is awesome, she is so spot on with the “be grateful ” thing. We are grateful to be blessed with our likkl ones but guess what sometimes I do wish I had time to wash my hair everyday like I use to, sometimes I wish He would have his nap so I can sleep too, sometimes I wish He wouldn’t puck on me, pull my hair, stick his fingers in my nose and throw his food on floor. So guess what I’m grateful to have a funny crazy likkl monkey but F…. That I just Wana feel human again xx
then one day tour 55 and recovering colon surgery and the constpation and hemorriods are excutiatinly pianfully and your children say …be gratfull you didnt just give birth or that it wasnt cancer or what does not kill you makes you stonger. and think …be glad my cildren i dont live closer and shittig blood in yoir toilet and not flushing cause i forgot! am i being a turd? no ,just the other side of the coin. to all you parents its tuff being amom. its ok to say im gratful now fuck off
I hear ya. Some days life is just fu#kin’ hard and you need to vent. Great post and responses. We all need to support each other through hard times. This is a good reminder. Sending hugs to all of you!
Amen sista. Every time I complain to my own mom about how tired I am and how hard parenting can be, she tells me I “must have the post partum” (depression). It’s not the kids depressing me, it’s those who won’t allow me to vent!
I swear this article is EVERYTHING to me! I have 2 kiddos, 3yo(I’ve decided I totally dislike toddlers) and a 7mo(He recently decided he hates sleeping). Parenting has never been more complicated and tiresome.
I jump for joy when 3p rolls around and I get to leave for work ?
Mine are only slightly ahead of yours, they are 3, 6, and 8. I love every stage of their lives and try to take mental and emotional snapshots regularly but at the same time, I can’t wait for the time when they are grown and I can wish they were young. Because while they are little I’m wishing they were older, just old enough to let me sleep, eat, exercise and have a thought or maybe even a shit to myself. It’s kinda hard to enjoy life without those things.
ThAnk you for saying this!!! This is way overdue! Thank you for not making me feel like I am alone in feeling the same way you do! Yes I am very grateful for my 4 kids. But I am tired and there are hard days…like when my 41/2 year decides to pee in a cup when she’s in the tub and then proceeds to pour it all over her sister. Fml!!!! I am happy you shared this!!
Thank f&%k someone said it! Well done… Thank you!
This is by far the best post I’ve read in a long time! It makes me feel not so shitty as a mama when I feel the same way! ☺️ Keep it up, you are doing great!
You nailed it! It is condescending. And it does cause moms to not reach out. Glad you are getting a great response. Thanks for posting!
My children are becoming teens .. Great .. Bit there are still days when i think ..are you shitting me .. Why the fuck i am i doing this .. Days when i fall into bed exhausted from battling a stroppy pre teen over homework, bathing or just plain kevin and perry syndrome.
Being a parent is a daily battle with good days and bad.. We are all gratefull and dont need reminding
. Your doing a fab job .. Keep at it ..
Much luv xx
Indeed. Indeed. We are three years in to the sleep deprived tango, last week she slept through from 11-6 for the first. Time. Ever. I nearly shit myself. Then she got a cold bless her and has spent since then been up,several times a night, sometimes for a few hours at a time. She has athetoid cerebral palsy too just to add a little smorgasbord of wonderment into the mix i.e. Fuck, is she sore / hungry / uncomfy etc etc etc. Add the additional needs label in and you can’t never say nothing against the child because “God only gives special people the special ones” – (cue teeth clenching fury from me with and undertone of “sorry but I don’t believe God / Buddha / whoever is that much of a cunt) don’t get me wrong, I love our child with a passion that is limitless but fuck me am tired, and it’s hard, and it might get better n it might not. Am okay as long as I don’t come up against the “wonder mommy” brigade who tell us, ooh have you read this book, done this sleep approach, blah blah blah! ??
The hardest few months OF MY LIFE were when my first was 2 and my second was a newborn. They are 3 and 5 now, thank god, but I will never forget that torture. You are not alone!
30 years after the last child….. and I still remember! no full night sleep for a straight 10 years….. and yet, (at least now they have their own small darling monsters), I can truly feel compassion for them, and still say, even now I am truly grateful for them…. horribly hard work, but hang in there darling, you were worth it and so are they!!!
Thank you for posting some of the thoughts we all go through. I remember being told that and I’m like “really a bed to myself. I’ll dance a jig.” You can enjoy your kids without always being the happiest person on earth and you can not feel guilty when you’re happy they sleep in their own bed.
You.are.awesome
The internal shorty rant. I do that.
I love that this post is our house. Right down to the three year old who hates sleep and takes up a queen size bed.
Thank you for making me feel semi normal today, and normalizing parenting.
X
I don’t know you, but I like you. Mom of 7 mo old & 5 yo — and am also very tired and very grateful. One day, we will get more sleep! And also party like rock stars.
I have 6 that I am grateful for each and every day, but my god, the littlest monster is not a sleeper and I have never felt so sleep deprived in my life. The comments about how it’s just a short time are endless. I am hearing you, just like so many others who have stopped by to read this post. Thank-you for ‘Keeping’ it real’. Mothers around the world need posts like this to know that most of us are in the same boat and it’s nothing to be ashamed of at all.
I hope some self righteous granny rocks up with a chocolate supply for you very very soon!
Youre fab, and dont forget it. Mine are 22 and 18 and still fight all the time. I think I might move out, x
Thank you!
None of you are bad moms!….this all changes in the blink of an eye and suddenly they are 22 and laughing like hell when to you retell the story of how at 2 and 4 years old the brothers unwrapped all your tampons and used them as Christmas tree decorations. … the bed gets really empty and you’ll long for that tiny hand grappling for your boobs at 4am…..bittersweet.
It isn’t bittersweet to me. So pleased when the were old enough to stay in their own bed and hold a rational conversation. Babies and toddlers never did it for me. It was a stage they had to go through to get to the good bits.
Wow did you even just read the article? Don’t tell people to be grateful, they already are!!! STOP!
You know you’re doing exactly what the article asked people to STOP DOING, right?
Oh dear sweet baby Jeebus -YES!!! I have a 23-month-old that has never slept, and never napped from the get go. She had ridiculously bad reflux (like literally choking on it when she did actually sleep = yea, I didn’t even het to sleep the), her brother also has autism and gets up in the middle of the night and into stuff. She won’t even sleep in her crib. We had a stint where all 5 of us were sick at the same time and the 3 kids were all in bed with us. The oldest and husband take up all the room they need to fele comfy, the middle one is a karate chopping ninja in her sleep, and the baby is a woggle worm that also happens to be a lot smaller than everyone else. I was left with 2-4 inches of bed space and no sleep between watching the baby, taking care of everyone, fever checks, and getting pelted by the girls. Not to mention me feeling miserable. It took everything I had not to choke the lady who told me to be greatful. I don’t think people understand how drained and at the end of your rope you can get. I’m totally smitten with my 3 kids, but there are days that I want to take the first flight to Tahiti. (((Hugs))) We’ll all laugh about surviving this later when we forget how crap it was, lol!
I have three sleep thieves, all boys, aged 6, 4 and 15 months. I completely and utterly understand this post. Thank you.
I have 3 kids. 21 last month, 23 this month en 19 next month. Breastfed them for 6 months each and had a job at the same time. Divorced when the kids were 5, 3 and 1. I really know where you are coming from. Hotel mama is still the bomb here and I wish they would all leave and live on their own, but I know that will not happen any time soon. And even though they are older, I do not long for the time they were little. And when they get kids of their own, they are allowed to stay 1 hour at the time and not a minute longer! Hang in there, it WILL get easier. And at the same time it will get harder. Over here we got a saying: Little children, little worries. Big children, big worries.
Even now, my mum still worries about me, so it wil never stop, it will only get different.
And as time goes by, you will get more used to it. And you will learn to pick your battles.
Just breath in, breath out! And enjoy every chance you get to be without those little rugrats!!
My oldest is almost 7 and my youngest will be 4 this summer. Honestly I can’t wait for September when they’ll both be in school. Some days I feel I could kill for an hour or 2 to myself then I feel guilty for it. I’ve put in the late nights and still do. I survive on a diet of coffee because my job starts early and my 3 year old is a night owl. I get LOADS of advice from other moms on what to do to change her sleeping habits. Enough advice. Just give me a damn coffee and a shoulder to cry on please. Right now I’m in the only place I can have 30 seconds of peace & quiet but still every 30 seconds they’re at the bathroom door yelling about when will I be out. September can’t come fast enough. But I should be grateful. Guess what? I am.
I go through this bloody night ritual every night, I feel your pain sista!
My kids are all grown up and out of the house. I love them so much and I do miss them being little. You know what I don’t miss? Covered in spit up from the oldest being allergic to soy. Explosive poop the second I take off the diaper or worse, not being fast enough with the cover towel. The heal of a foot in the sore part of my back at 2:00 am. I don’t miss it all and I don’t even feel guilty. We are your mother’s-in-arms. Rock on, sistah.
well said chica, well said. I love my children but I don’t like them most days. 🙂
I loved this post, had many nights like that, still do evry once in a blue moon, and i’ve also encountered that really annoying “be grateful” shit, can totally understand where you’re coming from and i just wanna say i think you’re amazing, no scrap that i KNOW you’re amazing! Big love xxx
Reblogged this on midwestmammas and commented:
Probably the best summary I’ve ever read 😉
i hear you mama just this morning I had a 3 year old in my bed who wanted breakfast at 4 am until my SO told her to shut up and go to sleep quite loudly which then woke my almost 2 year old so de good measure SO went in and yelled T him to shut up and stop crying. (Men!) so it tookme an hour to resettle my baby back to sleep and told my daughter to get into bed and stay there!
Don’t worry. Sleep is over rated that’s why we have coffee, red bull and chocolate! ?
hurray, im not alone. i have 4 & 3 year old, and a 6 month old baby. i always wonder why my oldest doesnt sleep all night. im grateful but no one said youd be alone if a rather difficult journey. it sucks cuz no one thinks, or this is the only way to really ask for help instread, everyone is so quick to jump all over you b/c youre suppose to be happy and a wonderful ray of sunshine all the time.
im just glad someone was able to put it in good words. for me being a mom has been the hardest since im the one doing almost all of the work, i gotta walk everywhere, im sleep deprived, and im ecpected to do it all magically.
Your an awesome mum. Love from a very tired mummy in England X
Amazing. A normal awesome mum.
yes I agree wholeheartedly. Thanks for posting this!
I think I love you. Thank you for saying all the shit I’m too fucking tired to say.
Dear god yes. My girl is six now and it still never ends.
“Can i have a glass off water? Can i put the fan on, my tooth hurts, i cant sleep, i love you”
excuse to get out of bed and bother you just one more time because your stress levels werent high enough!
Motherhood is fucking amazing, i love it and would never trade my girl for anything… but it is also fucking hard! The hardest job in the world because it never ends and sometimes you need to brake and go FUCK THIS SHIT.
And when the people that are meant to be there for you tell you how gorgeous your children are you just want to scream and grab them and say- you come do it for a week and say that again!!!
A mamma break is awesome, but whats better is; everyone and their dog getting off your back and letting you the best that you know how, and listening when you vent. Cause your right, othwrwise we will all go strak raving nuts. Thankyou for showing the world, we are the best thing for this child of ours, we know what were doing, we love them, and these moments but we are allowed to break.
We are allowed to be human!
Sleep deprivation sucks big hairy balls! Breast feeding is the the most god damn fucking exhausting thing I have ever done! My only child ( don’t get me started on the grateful!!!!) is 8, but there are a lot of things I don’t miss about her being a baby and a toddler. I really loved the civilised brunch we had together after she played golf on Sunday though. Hang in there! Mothering small humans is fucking tedious and hard! (But we couldn’t love our kids any harder!)
Been in your spot, more than once-also got told how they would grow up and be gone soon. In my mind those people sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher, 2 boys, one nursing, one night owl and all I could think was my kingdom for 3 hours sleep!!! Alone!!
It happened eventually, but those nights when I had bums in my face, or feet, I couldn’t see a day/night when my bed would be mine again (hubby worked nights). I think I actually cried a few times, as I grabbed a blanket and pillow and the bassinet (witht the baby in it) and let my 18 month old have the bed, while I slept on the couch.
Do I miss those times when they wanted to cuddle?? Yep, but do I miss having my sleep broken up by a foot in the boob or a bum in my face?? Nope!!!
Now they are in their 20s and living away from home, and I get to sleep lol
This. Is. Awesome! I have two boys 11 months apart, 2 and 1/2 and 3 and 1/2…..so I totally understand and feel the same way…..I hate it when I try to be all funny but really telling you that this majorly sucks and someone is like….well…..they are only little once. And I want to say NO FUCKING WONDER and THANK GOD at the same time. So yeah…thanks!!
I’m a granny now, but I do remember – I was pregnant, breast feeding or both for 12 years, and never ever slept more than two hours at a time. I loved it, but it was so gagging exhausting ….can I bring you dinner honey?
Love it all!! Every happy second, every non happy in the moment moment!!! Thanks for the great post!
Thank you so much for this post! I have 3, 5 y/o twins and a 2 n 1/2 y/o. OMG. I think I have these thoughts every day. And every day I feel guilty as hell and go to bed every night saying “tomorrow I’ll be better.” And it’s just the way it is. I love my kids more than anything in this world and considering what we had to do to have them I am more than grateful. But some days OMFG, I just want to hide. And it’s not that they are bad. I would just love a few minutes. Just a few silent minutes where I’m not constantly wondering “what’s that noise? Are they still alive?” Or just one afternoon where not every word I here is “Mamma? Mamma? Mamma?”
And one day my very young niece who is not married yet said “at least you’re not alone.” Fer fucks sake. So then I had to explain that it will happen one day and she won’t be able to poop alone and I will remind her of that.
Kids are wonderful, amazing, funny, life suckers. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything but jeez just let me feel human. That’s all I ask, without the guilt.
Wow. I feel better.
i have an almost 2 year old and a 7 week old. I’m grateful for your post. If I had the energy to vent it out, this is what I would want to say (except I’m from New York and haven’t the slightest clue what some of your words mean). Thanks!
My wife and I only have one little man who is 17 months old. Some days it feels like there are 9 of him he is into everything.
While people telling us to be grateful is maddening, one that gets to me more, is people saying that we don’t count as parents yet because we only have one child.
This is one of the most important posts I’ve read in a long time. Yes we are grateful for our incredible children but you’re right, parenting is as tough as it’s amazing and telling parents to be grateful can and often does silence us all, preventing us from creating/having an honest dialogue/discourse on parenting and reaching out for help when we need it most. I hope you get some sleep soon. I feel your pain. We all do x
My daughters are almost 17 and almost 15. I love my daughters with every fiber of my being, BUT I still occasionally look at my younger daughter and remind her that I spent the first year of her life half dead from lack of sleep because I swear, that child WOULD.NOT.SLEEP.
It goes something like this:
Me- Daughter, please get me a cup of coffee.
Child- Ugh! Why do I have to?
Me- Because coffee is what I love most. Especially since coffee is all that kept you alive in your first year of life. You know, when you refused to sleep for longer than 30 minutes at a time.
Child- I’m almost 15 years old, can you PLEASE think of something else to guilt me over?
Me- Ok, how about this? Please get my coffee because in addition to not sleeping for the first year of your life you also destroyed my body. Would you like me to show you my stretch mark covered body?
Child- Alright, alright. Here is your coffee! Just please don’t make me see the stretch marks again!
(Yes, that conversation has taken place before, thankfully my daughters share the same warped sense of humor as I do.)
When my now 3 yr old son was just a few months old we too were having sleeping problems. (As in I was getting none of it and his father was getting it all). This was also in the dead of a cold winter and quite honestly I was over the whole thing. I had to cancel a get together with family because, quite honestly, I didn’t have it in me. I sent them a message explaining the lack of sleep, teething, crying (both of us), complete frustration, etc. A couple hrs later my sister in law posts a status on FB about ppl being ungrateful for their children (really). Now I should also add that her and I have the same female issues and her and my brother were having no luck conceiving at the same time I conceived (surprise!! Sometimes all it takes is a little tequila!). I still understand her frustration but also took the entire thing as a huge slap in the face. Don’t kick a new mom when she’s down. For heavens sake… give her a nap!! It’s the greatest gift ever. And wine. And chocolate. Lol. I still lose my shit multiple times a day.. but guess what.. #iamgrateful
Reading your post I had to piss myself laughing…. I hear ya sister!
Probably one the best blog posts I’ve read to date. I have a couple of people who say those sorts of comments to me and it makes my blood boil. They are the same people who say “he/she will come when they’re ready” when you’re 3 days overdue with a trapped nerve and severe heartburn and all you wanna say is “I’m fucking overdue – they’re ready!!!” Good for you for writing this post. Alex xx
Bloody love this post.
I have a 4 year old and although she has always been a good sleeper, shes so cheeky and sarcastic I want to scream and leave her in the garden :’)
I have a very dry sense of humour and any status I write about her ways I get ‘awww be grateful of her’ ‘she’s so funny, you should be grateful’ ‘you’ll miss her little ways’ …maybe, one day I’ll miss her back chat but right now ill irritated. Let me be ill meditated, don’t make me feel bad for that!
More recently I’ve had another baby, now 15 weeks and he is not so good at the sleeping business… same statuses, same old comments! #iamgrateful but please let me moan! Lol
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You said it all! My first bundle of joy burst into my life roughly 6 years ahead of schedule, my second took three miscarriages and two years of “trying” to happen so don’t get me wrong, I love the very bones of each of them and am so very lucky to have them BUT…if someone offered me some chloroform I would I would use it, without question, at least 4 times a day!! And having a night out then being woken at 4am having unremoved fake eyelashes pulled off by a toddler cause I had ONE night of reclaiming my carefree youth is NOT something I’ll nostalgically miss!!
I breast fed and let my babies in my bed at times but I found it important to make space for myself self as well as them . Put a foamle on the floor beside your bed or whatever it takes
Do what you can to help everyone get the rest they need thats the humane way to go .
Uh, my non-sleeping child is in her 20s now. She still doesn’t sleep well and I’m still not over nights and nights and effing nights of a non-sleeping child. So, I kinda want to punch anyone who looks at parenting small children from the distance of years and says to be grateful, etc. Parenting is hard. It’s beautiful and rewarding and heartbreakingly hard and none of us should ever minimize that for others.
I despise those “be grateful” comments! I have two brilliant and beautiful girl, 23 & 11 (yes,12 yrs apart) and I am grateful for them. My youngest was a preemie, and after spending my fourth night in a row sleeping in the rocking chair with a screaming kid.. I would have gladly given her to the mailman! Parenting is fucking hard, we need to know that we aren’t horrible people when we vocalize the difficulty. You rock on mama.. Good luck on getting a spot in the bed 🙂
I wish I had read this when mine were little! Thank you for posting this! It almost made me cry because you put all these feelings into a coherent and understandable article!
Thank you
Reblogged this on Spookymrsgreen's Blog and commented:
A friend shared this with me, and wow, angels I thank you for your intervention /support! I’m not a bad mother if I complain. And I am not alone. That is a wonderful feeling… Well, until the baby wakes up again!
My daughter is 8 months and will not sleep more than 3 /4hours on a good night and I am way beyond tired! My 5 year old did not sleep through till he was 2.5 yrs and she is going the same way. I totally adore my children and would love another (once the memory of sleep deprivation has faded!) but I
have no idea how I am going to go back to work part time in 4 weeks?!
Thank you for this post it makes me feel more ‘normal’!
i only had one DD and I would never tell any struggling mother to be grateful for sleepless nights and all that goes with it. I would just say this too shall pass and your children will turn into little people and you will be amazed how fast it happens. The person who commented that you never stop worrying about your children. Mine is 35 and I have a granddaughter 6 and I worry sbout them everyday. Motherhood is a journey that never ends.
I so needed to hear this right now, so I don’t feel so bad for wanting my bed to myself. Thank you!
you are fantastic. If you lived in my neighborhood, I would not only bake you a unbelievable chocolate cake, I would take a night and spend it at your house to give you a break. Yep, mother of three…19 months apart with the last two being twins…I so get it my sister.
Mine are in high school and I know I will miss them once they leave, and miss when they were small and cuddly, and etc…. but never miss the not sleep, up every hour to feed the hog for 3 months solid, being covered in explosive crap by same said hog. In fact, my grumpy granny dog gets me up to let her out, usually at 3. Just in case I do miss it…
I have a 4 year old. He’s a single child. He wasn’t supposed to be a single child. But the boy doesn’t sleep. Like, ever. So, the fact that you have more than one and you’re not in a mental hospital? BRAVO mama!!! You’re my hero!!! 🙂
Like many before me have said, I hear ya! I have three boys, ages 15, 8 & 8 years old. I remember the day when my first little “bundle of joy” wouldn’t latch on when he got home from the hospital. I wanted to rip my boobs off, they hurt so much. And with my twins, there was no sleeping for the first month. I never knew who I was feeding or what time it was. I was grateful for them and I still am. However, that doesn’t mean that even to this day, I won’t pass them off to the first volunteer. Whatever the age, reason, it doesn’t matter. I love them, but sometimes I don’t want them near me! (Btw, one of my 8 y.o. twins still sleeps like a spinning top in my bed. A push, poke or shove and he’ll move. I’m not gripping the edge of the bed for dear life for No One!)
Let me know when we hit the party where we’re supposed to miss them not sleeping ever. I’m eager for that part! 4 months old. … I’m Fucking tired. Ugh. Love him more than anything else in the world. …. But so Fucking tired. Totally right there with you!
Killer article, nail on the head. I am so fucking grateful for my one year old prince, but sometimes I’m so fucking pissed off that I’m doing it alone. I am a single Mum and lately life has been hard because my ex is moving on and has a new girlfriend and I am facing emotions I haven’t faced yet. I feel a lot of resentment that my ex doesn’t do shit to make it easy or to play his part like an adult and that he is giving up trying and running to start a new family, so soon. I’m pretty emotional right now and I go to my mum and before I get two words out she tells me ‘to get over it and shut up and be grateful he isn’t in your life anymore and that you have your son’. I’m all like, bitch please, aren’t I allowed to feel sad, she hasn’t let me feel sad the whole time because she just says he is an asshole that I am blessed to not have in my life anymore. But it is still fucking sad that I don’t have the support, or someone to share this experience with, or a little family. That I am isolated and feel like I am never going to meet anyone who wants to take us both on, because I can’t even get out of my pajamas let alone get out of the house to actually meet any decent guys. I should be able to fucking feel sad for a bit while I process these emotions, not to be told, shut up, be grateful. I am fucking grateful! My son is the best thing I have ever done in my life and everyday is special, doesn’t mean it’s not fucking hard! Thankyou for your article and for taking the time to read my rant :P. xo
I seriously fucking love this. Finally a real post that I can relate to! I get tired of the judgemental do gooder parents who belittle you for ever venting about having a difficult time! Or at least, that’s how they make you feel. I get tired of people telling me to be grateful whenever I try to talk about the difficult times. I love my son more than anything, doesn’t mean he makes me feel like a happy glittery fucking unicorn on crack cocaine every second of the day though and it would be nice if we were able to talk about the hard times without getting the “you should be grateful” thing. Thank you soooo much for posting this!
Love this post 🙂 I have both generations the 21, 20, 16 and a now 21 month old .
This is great I always try to love every moment I can but sometimes I’m just tired, greatful for my family yes definately of course but I get ya on wishing I was on a flight to A tropical location some days lol
You are absolutely amazing! I wish I had the guts to be honest about raising my sons when they were young. I love them dearly, wouldn’t trade them for the world, wouldn’t go back to when they were new for anything. Deep breaths, my friend. You are not alone.
My god I love you. I wish I had read something like this the minute my daughter was born. You win.
Wow this post actually makes me feel normal! I have a 15 month old who whinges like 24/7. So I just want to say thank you for writing something that isn’t all rainbows and lollipops.
This was funny and true!! When you are living the life everyday you can be tired, miserable, sad, shitty, puked on, shit on, happy they slept, sad they didn’t!! These are your feelings!!! One day you probably will wish they were little, when they are punky ass teenagers. Staying out late, yelling at you, slamming doors, swearing,, driving you crazy with different things. I say rock the hell on, you are a rock star!
Lol. My grown up kid (nearly 20) is more demanding than as a toddler and deprives me of sleep regularly. I’m defiantly up for chocolate and Keep it real.
My first child woke to nurse five to eight times a night every night for the first eighteen months of his life. He would only sleep in my arms for the first ten months. I was exhausted, and if I dared to say so, people would say stuff to me like, “Well, you wanted a baby so BADLY, and now you have one!” (We tried for fifteen months to get pregnant), or “Cherish every moment!”, or my personal favorite, “You’ve ruined him!” (because I “let” him sleep in the bed with me). My second child was less intense as a baby, so that was nice, but here’s what I know: when a mother of very small children has a second to look up and say something, I either nod sympathetically and say NOTHING, or I say something like, “It’ll get better eventually. It won’t always be like this. Won’t that be amazing? Can I do anything for you right now?”
Lol, “you ruined him.” Right, because at 15 I’m sure you’ll be rocking him to sleep. Some people say the most asinine things!
Brilliant! Exactly what we should be doing. (From a mom of two — now 6 and almost 2 years.)
Thanks
I love you. I love this. This needs to be said a million times over.
signed,
A mom of twins who went through it
You said it. The other thing to hate is when you have twins and a special needs kid and everyone around you keeps saying “I don’t know how you do it!” Like there’s ever a choice and it’s just as hard for everyone, just in different ways. Chocolate always works.
My kids are teenagers, I sooooo get where you’re coming from, I had a 3 year old, & a new born who didn’t sleep, cried 24/7, didn’t want to be held, or pit down, and there were days I didn’t get showers. You’re a great mom, never doubt that for a sec!
Reblogged this on the central nest and commented:
Amen to this.
I haven’t slept in 21 years. I get it.
Ours are all grown up with babies of their own …we love the bones of all of them but God it’s nice when they go home…we still say “Quick they’ve gone change the locks!!” Hardest “work” we’ve ever done!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting in to words exactly what I am feeling and making me normal. I think this article has saved my sanity.
You are awsome, thank you. One day it’ll be your kids will be the ones who are grateful I’m sure. Especially if they have their own. Very thoughtful brutally honest. Congratulations.
I’m a Dad. I’m pleased now that I took my kid to work with me to give his Mum a break. All at work either thought I was mad or the women I was great. You can guess who thought I was mad !!
Dicky x
Grateful? Grateful???? Hell these are the hardest years until they hit the “I hate you” teenage phase – and at least with that you get sleep – in fact it is waking them up that is the problem. I totally love my ( now grown up) kids and wouldn’t be without them for a minute, but grateful for shit and sleep deprivation and vomit and croup and random crying at 4 in the morning and food fads and tantrums – hell no. We endure that bit because we love them … Go girl and be proud that you haven’t broken – cos that means you are the best mum they could have- but keep hold of yourself because you aren’t just their mum, you are you and that is important too. Xx
I am 45 have 4 kids and the 2 older ones weren’t sleepers till they hit 7… My youngest is 1.5 yrs and he does pretty good… It’s the 4 yr old that ends up in my bed upside down…. Loved this post it was completely RIGHT ON!!
YES! YES! YES! I have a special needs toddler so most of the time I just want to be able say that it’s REALLY REALLY hard without someone telling me to freaking cherish every moment because they grow up so fast. YEP. I KNOW. I love him. A LOT. But please don’t make me feel awful for not wanting to slow it down! I don’t want to! I want him to grow up and grow out of his delays and problems and I don’t want to feel like a bad mom for thinking that. Thank you for writing this. It’s so perfect.
I hear you! And I have 5 of them. (My mum left the country when we were all grown. She said she had to go because we wouldn’t). 😀
Fecking brilliant! Wish I could have read this 16 plus years ago. Sleep tag teaming between siblings: a psychic phenomenon and pre-birth pact to keep mum constantly sleep deprived and asking herself a thousand – billion – times a day why she ever wanted to become a parent. Yeah, sometimes I yearn for the feeling of breastfeeding a cute chubby bubby and feel nostalgic those days have passed – but then I get woken up at 6am by a very cute kitten nuzzling into my hair and I have psycho thoughts of ripping its head off. Na, I’ve done my time. You’re a great mum and you are doing an awesome job. Your two poppets are very lucky they have you as their mumma bear. Get sleep wherever and whenever you can and, in the meantime, eat lots of chocolate. In fact, eat whatever and as much as you want because you’re breastfeeding xx
Thank you for this. It was a wonderful to read your sentiments and know that I am not alone. I am told to “be grateful” and that “you’ll really miss this all one day, cuz it doesn’t get any easier” all the time. While I appreciate the well meaning comments, you really hit the nail on the head when you said that this type of “encouragement” is actually detrimental to new parents. I hope more people realize that simply being empathetic when a mom or dad vents off to them about having a rough time with something is a much better response than implying that they aren’t grateful.
I consider myself a calm peaceful laid- back person.. With a 4 yr. Old that has adhd. Evil lil demon. Wanna throw some holy water on his ass sometimes..
Hahaha…that made me giggle.
I can honestly say that I don’t miss them when they were babies! Yes, they were cute little buggers and so freaking adorable it was sickening, but…..I seriously do relish sleeping normal hours again and not having to get up every two to three hours to feed, change a diaper, carting around car seats, strollers, and diaper bags, and not knowing what to do to make it better for them when they were sick since they couldn’t tell me what was wrong or how they were feeling. I do have great memories/experiences of them when they were small but I also have bad memories/experiences as well. I am very grateful for my children and I love them unconditionally, but I also love myself 🙂
I have two that are now almost 10 and 15. I now work in a daycare and when those Mommas come in with their babes and toddlers, I think holy shit….they are in SUCH a hard stage…sometimes so hard that you just go on autopilot and wake up when they are (FINALLY) sleeping in their own beds. I love babies, I love holding them and snuggling them, and I especially love when I hand them back to their (sleep deprived, barely surviving) Mom’s and know that tonight, I will sleep, and they will not. My support to them is, babies are great, and a blessing, but one of THE HARDEST THINGS YOU WILL EVER DO! Hang in there Momma…it’s tough, but worth it all. I see you and all that you are surviving…and I know that even in your bleary eyed state, you DO know you are incredibly lucky.
I may have fallen in love with you, thanks for sharing raw truth
I love you! Thank you for understanding me and I say sorry at the same time. You are so cool and I love the way you write. What is your Facebook? I would be honored if you would friend me.I have twins with severe autism.the non verbal angel doesen’t fancy sleep.
Nothing I have every read puts it quite as bluntly as this!!! I love it! And I love you for having the stones to say it.
Grateful…. HA! For every mother who has woken up in the middle of the night to a crying screaming baby/toddler and gone through the routine of feed/burp/change etc to then have more and more crying. There comes a point when your head is screaming SERIOUSLY??? WHAT THE FUCK?? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME… BUT. Then the little bugger smiles at you, makes your life complete in a way you never knew they could. Gives you a reason to get up in the morning, bleary eyed and reaching for 10,000 espressos. Grateful is what you are all the time. You don’t have to be told. Your a goddamn super hero
I thought it was just me! My son is grown now (sort of), and he still lives with me. I married when he was 11, but the marriage didn’t last. For most of his life, it’s been just my son and me. I can’t imagine loving him any more than I do now. I couldn’t have any more kids, so I think at times I am even more grateful for him. But, I still want my own space. He was never a sleeper … in bed at 11 pm and up at 8 am. After 2 weeks old, he refused to take naps. I cheated in the beginning by putting rice cereal in with his formula because he was a little piglet. If I hadn’t done that, he would’ve been up every 2 hours, and I went back to work when he was 3 weeks old. Some people thought that was awful. Selfish. Whatever … that was when I quit caring what people think. When he was 2, I had to drive him around in the car to get him to sleep every night, and every night he would crawl into bed with me. I sometimes thought I would scream if I heard “Mommy” one more time. The next time someone tells you to be grateful, tell them you are grateful, but you’re also human. Sometimes mommies need a time out.
To the nice older ladies who say “Cherish this time, it will be gone before you know it”…I usually respond with “It goes by fast? Thank goodness!” Seriously, if they are missing all of it so badly, let them take your kids for 48 hours and then see what they say.
Good on you…. yes parenting can be hard sometimes… if it was easy everybody would do it and then their would be nobody left to judge us for our parenting skills…. I have no doubt that even though I don’t know you , you are doing an awesome job as a Mum… So keep up the good work and “fuck you” to those that don’t get it…
Oh man. I totally get you. My girls are 14 and 10 and I’m still SO GLAD they aren’t tiny anymore and stealing my bed and my sleep and my space any more. I’m SO GLAD. I love them. But I love the fact that they sleep in their beds ALL NIGHT and into the morning (and afternoon: 14 yr old) and I sleep in mine. I will NEVER want those early days back again. It’s hard. It passes. It is not a place I want to return to. xxoo
I love this post! Thank you for writing it, for sharing, for not being afraid to be honest. Because motherhood (well, and parenthood in general, ask my husband!) is fucking hard. And it’s wonderful. And there is plenty of time to be dreamy and nostalgic later. Keep writing! I’ll be following.
Sofa king right ON! I love you and I don’t know you…thanks.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciated this today! My babe is almost 4 months old and is a fairly crabby baby. I hear the “enjoy every moment” crap all the time and it makes me mad. I love my baby, but my god days like today are awful. Equally bad is the other moms who tell you “it will get better.” I KNOW that it will get better, but that is not in any way helpful at this moment in time. Thank you for posting this and helping me see that I’m not a completely awful person!
Amazeballs!!!!
The most inspiring thing I have read in the last six months! My bundle of joy is six months to the day!
Sorry guys need a rant! Gotta love a bit of long distance grandparents too that arrive for 4 days cause kaos, upset your routine, upset your baby, upset you and make you feel completely useless! Stay at your house, we will come and visit you when we want to and leave when we want to!
I understand you live a long drive (3 hours) away but Please do not force yourself on us for 4 days at a time and completely fry mine and my poor babies head to pieces! Arriving at 9am in the morning and staying til 9pm at night is really too excessive! Making me feel like a prisoner/chef/waitress in my own home!
He sneezed a bless you is enough! He coughed no need to make a massive fuss! He gurgled no need to reciprocate very single noise he makes and as for the whistling he’s not a bloody dog so quit doing it to get his attention!
Sorry currently on day two of the grandparents invasions for the 4th time in 2015 already! I love them dearly but it right now it feels like we share a house with them!
Big love guys! Xx
Ah ha ha yeah. My mother in law came down to stay from interstate, and manhandled my then 2mo all day until she was hysterical by night. This was despite my saying “if she’s happy on her rug, leave her on her rug”. She also took her from my arms when she was crying with the “let ME comfort her”, as if she was incapable.
I suggest you do what we did, and tell (shout at) them “JUST LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE! STOP MANHANDLING HER! You WILL NOT touch my child without asking first”. Now, I NEVER EVER speak like that to people, but my daughter’s health and happiness are the most important thing, and I don’t give a shit who I offend if I have to protect her. She sulked all day, but for the rest of the week she asked nicely “may I pick her up and play with her?” And didn’t dare touch her if I said no. Try it. It’s bliss.
You (AND I MEAN YOU) yes you are one freaking amazing Mom!! Hubby should be the forever grateful one that he knows he has the ability to travel for work(which I m sure is not easy either) but knows his children have one of the best moms ever!!!!!!!
NEVER allow others comments prevent you from expressing and showing the nuttiness of parenthood. I’m the mother of a phenomenal, smart, beautiful young woman…. who I looked at when she turned a year old and thought…. I just may like you now! Not because I was a terrible mother, not because I detest children… because she was colicky for a full year, during which time I’d joke “I may understand now why mothers shake their babies!” I know that may be considered a terrible thing to say, truly I could care less about an opinion that prefers to judge rather than understand. Acerbic wit and occassional bitching helped me get through the toughest moments of raising that beautiful young woman. I’m grateful for memories, we all are as we age… the elbows to the trachea during a dead sleep… not so much!! 😉
I too love you. I have an 11 yr old entrenched already in the ‘i hate you mum’ years and a 9 yr old who STILL doesn’t f-ing sleep through the f-ing night. Some nights are just like, f-off already. yes I love my children dearly too, but sometimes… mothers are human beings too.
my daughter is 10 tomorrow and I was just stopped In town by an old friend who said “oh wow hasn’t the last 10 years flown by”
Well no. No it hasn’t. It’s been a long long journey of learning and crying and failing and succeeding. I’m more tired now than I was when she was born.
Recently I was told by my mother in law that I am too hard on my daughter…… TOO HARD? I’m a firm mum who doesn’t take shit from a 9 year old with raging hormones. A mum who doesn’t say no and mean yes. I have expectations for my daughter and according to this snotty nosed bitch (who I may add has 3 boys that she Molly cuddled to the point that they can’t make toast as adults or know what the machine that makes things clean is) too hard? I don’t smack her she’s not starved…. She can use a washing machine and knows what a mop and bucket looks like. Hell she can make toast. Aren’t we meant to teach our children how to cope with adult life??? I’m too hard on my daughter for saying NO. Something she will learn to appreciate when she is older I hope.
BUT
Am I right to make her earn her pocket money instead of handing out £5 a week ?
Am I too hard on her because I expect her to clean up after herself ?
Am I a bad mum ?
Amazing how one sentence said with malice (brought on because I told her to take her shoes off before going upstairs on my mother in laws clean carpet) can make you doubt yourself so much.
Every mother that has ever struggled needs a chufty badge. Mine will say I survived the first 10 years….
#iamgrateful
Thank you for this REAL LIFE parenting article. My kids are now 20 and 15, but I remember feeling just as you do. I also remember feeling like I had to pretend it was all perfect (which caused inner madness). I would have loved this when my kids were young.
Also would love to know where those very same people, asking me to be grateful are, when my toddler is tantrumming in the supermarket? They’re there tutting, having seemingly forgotten quite how bad toddler meltdowns can be.
This is funny….because its true. My daughter is 12 now, she slept in my bed every night until about 8 months ago. She loved to cuddle and snuggle it was so sweet!! NOT!! I couldn’t WAIT to get her out of my bed. I couldn’t WAIT to have my space back. 8 months later if I even suggest she can still sleep in my bed I get the ‘ARE YOU CRAZY?” Do I want her back in my bed. NO. Would I like a little snuggle time with my girl? YES! Also, I teach 5 year olds. They are sooo adorable and cute and funny. Their eager smiles, their chubby little cheeks. I would GIVE anything to hug my five year old again back when I was the whole world to her. Like I would LOVE to go back in time and give her a hug and spend a day there….but not do it again. I get why people say it… ” Be grateful”…its a precious time….but I can guarantee you that in the moment I didn’t “give a fuck” – I just wanted a good night sleep. The memories are great though! Keep on Parenting like a Rock Star!
I love this!!!! I used to ‘confide’ in my best friend with my thoughts about hard being a mum was. I ran into a friend of hers one day who asked me how I was going with my baby. I said “well , we are going really well” to which she replied ” Really?? Coz I heard you hated it” Yes, she really said that !!!!!! This person could only have heard this from my ‘best friend’! I was so hurt that that is what she took out of my honesty. It never crossed my mind I would have to justify my love of my children. To me it was just a given.
Good job Mama. My kids are grown. I literally have to pay them to let me sleep in bed with them at this point. Having said that, it sucked when they were little and lived at home. I love them but they suck the life out of me…you got this.
on a day when I shed tears in the glass cabinet while pretending to look for a glass, as my two kids scream the house down for the hundredth time today, after having cooked my 3 year old three different meals for dinner of which he would eat nothing. I feel reassured that I am not alone and chocolate can fix everything! Stay strong and if you need chocolate happy to FedEx you some…United we stand during the stress of daily parenting.
This text and the comments should make feel good to every parent. Guilt is the least we need when facing parenting. Unfortunately, it follows us along the path (not enough time, traveling, distance, etc). Congratulations to all the mothers and fathers who try their best in every aspect of their lives. I hate when people say that when you have children you are not in first place or you are not important anymore. Frustration is not a good feeling to deal with and parenting or other parents should not convince us to try to enjoy being desperate. Trying our best is all we can do, but we need to first, put ourselves togethers, which includes, bringing balance and happiness in our lives with acceptance and proactivity, which is different that fake smiles.
Thank you! I have a 14 month old that required in vitro to conceive, didn’t happen till I was 37 and my husband is 50. I love my kid and am beyond grateful. But I’m also tired and I don’t feel I can share “those moments” with anyone. So thanks for sharing this. Today was one of those days and this was exactly what I needed to read.
This post is amazing. You said it better than I ever could. And anyone who has ever parented TOTALLY understands that you can love it and be over it all in the same moment. We have to be able to express that or potential parents walk around in this world with completely unrealistic expectations. Thank you for representing this stage in life so well. Haven’t laughed this hard in a while.
Thank you for being so truthful! I have a 3 year old and a 5 year old that love sleeping with me…I toss and turn all night and wake up so tired evert morning. I’ve even tried sneaking into their beds but they always end up there with me too. Not being able to move in your own bed sucks!
I am grateful…….for this post. You said it! I have a mother and mother in law who live a mile from me and I constantly hear that I need to enjoy these moments and blahblahblah. Never do I hear it will all be ok. They help out a lot, don’t get me wrong, but never when I’m sick or sleep deprived. They say “I didn’t have anyone to help me when y’all were little”. So sometimes I feel like a brat who complains and sometimes I feel like an ungrateful asshole. Just depends on the moment. And I work full time. Sooooooooo, thank you for saying what we are all thinking and allowing me to rant on your blog.
When my twins were new borns (they are 3 now) I once said to someone…”Enjoy every minute? I am not going to enjoy the minute where one of them had diarrhea and the other one was spitting up and I was by myself and had to change their sheets twice…EACH…in the middle of the night. Is it ok if I don’t enjoy THAT moment?”
Just because I love my kids, doesn’t mean I have to love their shit.
I really appreciate you posting this. And, if I lived near you I’d bring you something with chocolate and some gossip magazines :).
I also love this Momma!! We ARE grateful doesn’t means shit gets real tiring!!
hahaha!!! Love this!! Especially this morning when my alarm went off and I woke to find a baby on my boob, a 4yr old’s toe in my ear and my back aching from being stuck in some unnatural sleeping position. One day I’ll get my bad back, one day…….
I’m 64 and my sons are 39 and 31. I do remember how hard it was when they were little. Some days all you can do is cry and say “Why are you doing this to me?” That’s normal. I challenge any mother to tell me she hasn’t done this.
Two things I want to say.
You said “I mean when the boys are in their 20s I might be wishing they still lived with me and needed me 24-7.”
I say, no you won’t. Only the most neurotic feels that way. You will miss them, but—
You also said “I mean, I kind of hope in my late 50s I’m acting like I was in my early 20s – boning their dad, drinking bourbons, going to gigs, spending all my money on band tee shirts and fast food.”
I say, now you’re getting it. Respect their space and teach them to respect yours. It’s the only way to get along with your adult children. And you will spend more time with them as adults than as children.
Hang in there. It gets better, then it gets worse, and then it gets better, and stays that way. And then you and your adult children will go have that bourbon together, as friends and equals 🙂
Absolutely. Definitely. Spot on!
Best reply EVER
Thank you! <3 This just made my day a little bit brighter!
I have a three month old and whenever I go running to my (incredibly wonderful and supportive) mother with “she won’t go to sleep/she won’t stop SCREAMING/any number of other whines, her first response is ” HA HA! That’s what you did to me! You got the daughter you deserve”. She loves that all the difficulty I gave her is finally coming around to bite me on the bum. I suspect you do the same?
Felicity, no I don’t do the same. I have three grandchildren. 2, 3 and 7. The first was a piece of cake. The second two, not so much. The three year old won’t sleep, the two year old was a screamer although she is getting over that, thank goodness, and they both go through the house like tornados. It’s a struggle and I sympathize with their parents. But I certainly don’t laugh at them and say they deserve it.
So it’s 3am…. I’m in my daughters bed… She’s in mine with my wife. EVERY NIGHT… She’s almost 5…
Its not just moms who get the elbow in the boob from the little jems… Dad’s get the short end of the “let’s not have the parents sleep through the night” stick…
Hang in there… I hear it gets worse. 🙂
Well done you!!
I agree with this 100%! It’s not just about those who have grown children too. There are so many parents or there who compete and it’s total bullshit. Instead of teaming up and actually being helpful they say things that make you feel like shit! I can only imagine how I’m screwing my 6 kids up. ….but I’m doing the best that I can. Not a single one of them came with a personal manual…..especially my 3 step kids. I love them all unconditional! Even when I want to rip my hair out because of lack of sleep or too many appointments. And now I’ve signed 5 of them up for spring soccer. …..I swear I’m fucking crazy!
I now have my kids in their 40s – but I remember, oh how I remember. A 4 year old girl, a 3 year old boy and then God thought he would be really funny and gave me twin boys AND a divorce. I have a record 1 good memory for each 40 bad ones. It was too bad to even cry. Had that a** offered to take them instead of the cat things would have been different. Oh, yes, I remember…
Sorry for your misfortune but I laughed my ass off at your comment. My heart goes out to you though.
Love your post! I am a grandmother, but recently have been taking care of my 8 month old grandson, who by the way is adorable, and i feel you! only problem is for me, is my kids became monster teenagers, and I would rather remember them as sweet little babies who shit and pissed all over me then what I am dealing with now, as much as I love them. Even changing pissy and shitty sheets in the middle of the nights is not as bad as having them have drug problems, being in prison and/or jail. But I have been exhausted in the last month or two, wow, I can now see why children are given to us when we are younger, cuz I am not as physically fit as I was when my kids were babies, and I would probably die of exhaustion if I had to deal with two babies. Love your post.
i am wake now after look after my 18year old son been sick after drink too much then I read your monn so no it don’t get any better as they get old but at lest I feel went ageing for a bit x y
My kids are grown and out. I’m 43. And I’m grateful too. That they are not pooping on me or waking me up at 2 am by throwing up on me. I love them dearly and miss the snuggles and fun times. But being a parent really sucks sometimes. And when it does…. A glass of wine and someone to bitch to about your lack of sleep is really truly something to be grateful for. I despise condescending idiots. Loves tour kids… and I hope you get some chocolate and a bourbon before they are all out of the house! That’s a damn long time to wait. Lol
I love this post and can totally relate. My little guy has never been a sleeper and when I had 2 hours of sleep/night for multiple weeks in a row, I needed to complain about the f’d up situation but it doesn’t mean I’m not happy or grateful, it just means it is f’d up. 😛
I am both crying and laughing hysterically! Your words are ripping my heart out. They are perfect, perfect, perfect! Thank you for giving mothers a voice. I am a voice coach whose aim in life is to give the voiceless a voice. As a mother of a 2.5 year old, I am still trying to cope with the fact that mothers, a massive percentage of our population, have been silenced! We cannot say how we feel. We cannot scream out our anger and fears and guilt as we feel it. Thank you for your elegant, fearless, free expression! It is powerful and essential.
Awesome!!! This makes me feel like I’m not alone! I feel like I suck at this being s mom thing and that leaves me sad and confused because I always wanted to be s mom. But I AM grateful, so tremendously grateful, just not all the time. Reading this allows me and countless others know it’s ok to not be grateful 24-7. Thank you!!! ?
I get it. I totally get it. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. My little man (1) has recently decided to not sleep through the night, for no known reason, he just wants to start crying at 1, 3 and 5. When working full-time, this is just unacceptable. I think it’s teeth, but then, I’ve been saying it’s teeth for like 3 months straight. He probably just wants to snuggle in my bed (but that is just not happening). My little girl comes in at 6:45 on the weekends, but I have to drag her out of bed at 7:10 on school days… ugh! Seriously, what is that! To top it off, my sisters both had their kids much earlier than me – they were in their 20’s dealing with this, I’m 40. Hindsight is 20/20, I should have had them much younger, the body is not meant to do this later in life, it’s just not. (But I wouldn’t trade them for the world – they are my everything – OF COURSE!!! I’m beyond grateful!!!) But man, it is really hard too. And I feel like everyone I know has forgotten just how hard it is. And that does make you feel like you’re failing as a mom. Hang in there! It sounds like you’re doing great and it’s ok to want to yell and scream about it sometimes. (or more than sometimes…)
I’m impressed you can breastfeed AND type on the computer at the same time! I never managed to do that without almost dropping my kids! Kudos to you. I agree 100%.
I feel guilty everytime I say “I can’t wait for 1st grade”. When she’s in school ALL day and I don’t have to cut my days in half. When I can have HOURS everyday to myself. I love my daughter dearly, but I get stir crazy when she is at me 24/7.
Hang in there, take every day one at a time and think “this too is only a phase”
It’s quite often I look at my daughter and say, yeah this is why they invented school.
On similar topic, a video you’ll love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
Talk by Rene Brown, gorgeously animated and presented by the RSA. Enjoy!
yes. yes. yesyesyesyesyesyes.
Just all the yesses.
Thank-you.
thank you so much for posting this. I don’t have kids yet but all I ever hear is “its gunna be great” and “you’ll get the hang of it” and other BS about how easy it will be. I think that’s how new parents get so blindsided…because no one is brave enough to say how truly challenging it can be. Thanks for being brave so future parents can be a bit more prepared for the shit and puke and the all nighters! THANKS!!!!
I don’t have kids but have entertained the idea of having them and hope that one day I may act on that. I am a teacher and also have five nephews and nieces – all of whom I played a big role in babysitting and raising through the puking / crapping / drooling stages. So I feel a little qualified to respond to your post. I think you hit the nail completely on its tired, grouchy, overstretched head. It doesn’t matter how beautiful your baby is or how much joy they bring you – there will be days when you feel like you’ve had enough. Because you’re tired. Because your body is still getting used to what it has just done to itself. Because inside you are constantly thinking “Am I doing this right?”. Because your entire life, routine and sleep pattern have completely turned upside down. This does not make you a bad person. It makes you an honest one. I believe that every mother feels this way (and fathers too for that matter) and to try to deny that you feel like that will only make you feel worse. Of course you are grateful for your little bundle of joy. Doesn’t mean you suddenly become superhuman and develop the magical powers of surviving on three hours sleep a night when you are used to eight for example. Motherhood is great but it is also frigging hard work!
AMEN! My 9 month old is an awful sleeper! Not once has he slept through the night. I feel like a “mombie” day in and day out. Yes, I love the shit outta him, but dam I bit of sleep would be amazing. Parenting is a wonderful tragedy!
I had to comment simply for your “I want to hear from you – but don’t be a turd OK?” disclaimer – too funny. Pregnant with my first. Looking forward to being grateful and miserable. LOL
This is awesome!! I know I got the whole, “you’ll miss waking up every 2 hours, try to enjoy it” and similar comments. Then when Bug was about 3-4 weeks old I was crying because I was overwhelmed and no one to help because Hubby was at work. Then I didn’t want to talk to anyone because as you said, I felt like an ass because I wasn’t enjoying it at that moment. And I think a good comment to make would be “I am sorry you are having a rough time, do you want me to bring you a bottle of wine (or chocolate, ice cream, whatever) and you can just tell me all about it, no judgement!” I think those who’s children are grown should make more useful comments, they can say something like “you will make it through this eventually” or “I know it’s rough now but it gets better” that way you don’t feel like such an ass! Thanks for sharing!
So my kids are 7 and 17… and I still think it’s hard! It’s just a different kind of hard. It’s not as sleep deprived, but it get emotionally exhausting. My teen son is a bag of hormones and my daughter is smarter than all of us combined.. and the shit she says just makes my brain implode. On a daily basis. I would never change it. I am grateful. But it’s still hard and any mom who says it’s not was on some form of opiate during their children’s formative years. My grandmother used to throw out the “Boys will be boys!” NO! Fuck that. He’s gonna be a good damned kid or else! ugh!
This made me laugh and cry…but I had just had a sleepless night and been at work all day and then was back to feeding changing poopy nappy and bathing and…. and…. and…. and then the next night starts…let’s see what the gorgeous wonderful little shit decides to do tonight!
So true… so gratefully and so fucking hard sometimes!
THANK-YOU!
Seriously thank-you for making me feel not alone and for making me smile!
You are not alone too and enjoy some chocolate and bourbon soon x
You’re the best – thank you for this post. I wish I’d seen it when mine were babies! They’re 3 and 5 now, and I still don’t feel like I’ve ever caught up on that damn sleep. WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO SLEEP?!?!? I hope all new moms come across this, and can take a breath…instead of buying into guilt from all the idyllic imagery of adoring mothers gazing lovingly at their little one during the midnight feedings. Yeah, there were a couple of those moments, but 3x as many sleep-deprived, unvoiced, inner rage-a-thons. Power through, mama…that’s all we can do. Drinks on me when they move out!
I totally get it!! I’m a mum of a 7 year old girl (who currently thinks she’s 14) and whe I am eternally grateful for having her, there are times lately when I could cheerfully dump her in the garbage!! Not once I the last 7 years have I looked back wistfully at the journey we have travelled and wished we could turn back time. I am grateful for where we are now; able to converse rationally (sometimes), and enjoy each other’s company (when not fighting the battle of wills which comes with growing up) and share life (she still gets more of my bed than I do some nights). But despite being grateful I still have entry of moments when I remember life pre-child. It doesn’t mean I’m not grateful, it doesn’t mean I’m a bad mother and it doesn’t give others the right to tell me to be grateful.. I resent them judging my life by comparing it to theirs.. I am raising my chd alone, I work all day and bring work home in order to spend time with my child.. I have earned the right to my moments of selfish self pity 🙂 .. After which, I look at her angelic sleeping face and remind myself that one day soon she will bed enough to understand my frustration and things will get better x
I honestly don’t know how you do it. I have deliberately chosen not to be a parent and I am grateful every single day for my choice. The stress, sleepless nights, years of thankless service. I wonder who would do it to be honest! God bless you for keeping the human race going because it certainly never appealed to me! And however you get through it, you deserve to be congratulated! I thought you might enjoy this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xtcB457jqQ
You nailed it! Mine are grown, but I remember all too well the insanity of sleep deprivation, of being overwhelmed, and thinking that I just couldn’t make it another day. I love and adore my kids but sometimes, during those moments… If I had a rocket launcher, the helicopter that flew low over my house during nap time and woke up the colickly baby would have been blown out of the sky.That was more than 20 years ago. $%@ being grateful, just on occasion think – If I live, this will be one helluva story!
I cried. Thank you. I chose to have children later in life (nearly 41), so ALL my friends have grown up children and I hear this shit ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. None of these friends come and help on the hard days, but they sure want me to remember they’re fleeting, so suck it up and appreciate it. I’ve stopped posting anything but happy, happy, joy, joy pics on FB, and innocuous comments about weird things rather than talk about my real life because these comments piss me off so bad. It’s not unlike the idiots that would mention “sleep while you can” while I was pregnant. What, I can store that and retrieve it later when I need it? Really?! People are dumb.
I agree completely! I hate the enjoy it comments the be grateful comments, and the “I have it harder than you” comments when they have one kid and tons of help while I was a single mom of 2 very young girls living in a different country and couldn’t find work even after completing college as a single mom because I had no work experience in this country! I love my kids dearly, even decided to have a 3rd after surviving everything and meeting a wonderful man who loves my older 2 as his own. However, I did not enjoy reliving the sleepless nights, the spitting up, the many diaper blowouts at the absolute worst time, the stripping naked in her crib and peeing everywhere every time she was in it. Nor do I enjoy chasing an almost 2 year old because when I or her dad says no, grandma says “oh let her, it’s more fun and less work when you don’t have to say no constantly” so of course she’s going to rebel against us as we’re not as much fun. Yea, ok, so let’s go with the don’t say no and let her bang toys against the glass window, take anything she wants from where I’ve put it up because it’s not 1-year-old-safe, etc! I don’t think so!! I could go on and on but don’t want to get myself worked up. I am grateful I have children but it is HARD and each stage brings things I am grateful for but also parts that are HARD and makes me want to scream, cry, vent so instead of saying “be grateful,” just say “I’m sorry it’s a hard time.”
I am retired so I don’t have to deal with this head-on, but I remember, I really do. I made the choice (thanks for being able to choose!) to work outside the home so my kids were all daycare kids, but Yes, I completely remember the absolute exhaustion.
My daughter and her husband and 2.5 year old live with us so I’m witness to the trade-offs and help when I can. I get it. It’s not easy, just keep plowing through, it will be okay. (((hugs)))
You ladies all rock. I don’t have kids and you all sound like superwomen!! Holy shit!!! How the hell you do it I’ll never know! Of course you’re grateful…but I’m sure some days you rather just tell everyone to fuck off and if you did I wouldn’t blame you a bit. ☺
Fuck yeah! I’m a divorced mom with three buggars at home. They range in age from 4 to 14, and damn it if some days I can’t even. I hide in the bathroom for several minutes at a time because it’s the only time I can get alone but even then someone is always banging on the god damn door! I can’t even poop in peace! I love them and I would never want to know life without them but seriously, can’t I just be left alone for a few fucking minutes?!
When my daughter was 3, I asked her pediatrician why she was in the “3’s” . “She went in and out of the “2’s” and now we’re going through something else. Is this the “3’s”?” He said, “They go in and out of this until they’re about 23.” I said, “Just shoot me now!” Well, I have 2 grown children, 36 and 42. Do I miss their baby days? Not really. Did I like parts of that time? Of course. Do I like this time? Yeah, most of it. I have 9 adorable grandchildren. But would I go back? I don’t know where I got the energy! Some days are just harder than others. If I could I would bring you chocolate and emotional support. God bless you all. Don’t worry. You’re right on track!!
Reblogged this on This Bipolar State of Mind and commented:
This pretty much sums it up in a nut shell.
My kids are grown and guess what? I do not miss shitty diapers, baby puke or sleepless nights or following a toddler around terrified of what he might put in his mouth, or fall over or into or in some way get hurt on. For years and years I spent many evenings and long long weekends watching my kids play sports, bored out of my mind and often writing in a notebook or reading between innings. If I complained I heard, “Someday you’ll miss it.” Guess what? I don’t. This has nothing to do with how much I love my kids. I adore them. They are the coolest people I know. But every minute of their childhood was not bliss. Do not let people guilt you into feeling bad about yourself. People say stupid things because, well because they’re stupid. Or because they feel bad for not having been perfect parents so they think that their insightful advice will make you a better parent. Like I said, people are stupid.
Finally! Others that get it! I don’t feel so alone now..
I’m a single mum of 2 year old twins and I love them to bits and I am very grateful but I do just want to be able to have a whinge now and then and not feel judged for it. Apart from one night a month (which only started one month ago) I don’t really get any help and when I ask for some I tend to cop the whole guilt trip that I shouldn’t want to be away from them.. I don’t want to be away from them but frankly it would be alot easier to go to the store quickly and grab milk on my own rather than taking the kids with me because face it getting everything together to run an errand takes longer than the errand itself..
They tend to have bad sleeps the night after eachother too so one night I’m sleep deprived with my girl and the next with my boy because face it who can sleep when you’re constantly being jumped on or kicked in the boobs you almost wanna squeeze them to just try and keep them still long enough for them to relax but now that’s more trouble than its worth.
I really like your suggestions for a response and think I’m going to have to share your post to try and give some people the hint haha.
I do remember my life before kids and yeah I do miss it sometimes but doesn’t mean I would change it and some people just can’t understand that.
Oh my WOW. I am sitting here in TEARS, you have NO IDEA how awesome this post is to read!!!! I bought real estate in the land of “Mom guilt” and I totally get it. My kids are 18 months apart, and while I never got to breast feed either… my life for the 1st month of BOTH of their lives was spent pumping and feeding and pumping and feeding. I lost myself and I had my moments where I was ready to scream at anyone who DARE ask me to “go see a lactation consultant… again” Reading this makes me feel like I’m SOOOO not alone Thank you soooo much, and if I lived closer, I would SOOOO bring you something with Chocolate in it XOXO
I have a 4 year so I totally get this! People constantly say”oh don’t you miss when she was little and would snuggle you? Don’t you want another one?” And I always tell them no! I don’t miss the horrid sleep, the poop, the diapers, the bottle feedings… I much prefer my little girl whom I can talk to and play with and you know what she’s more of a snuggle now. We get you. We know. And do what we do next time someone says that it’ll be gone soon. Look at them ans say”thank the gods” trust me that’ll make em stop!
Awesome post! I don’t have kids but I think they’re amazing – because I don’t have them and the only thing I share my bed with is a 2 yr old German Shepherd. Thanks for writing this because the next time someone I know who has kids says this I’m gonna respond with….Do you want me to bring you something with chocolate in it? Or vodka. Whatever makes you happy, let me know and I’m there.
PS. If I’m lucky enough to meet a guy who I want to have kids with (and we’re able too) I’m making it a rule that no one is allowed to use the ‘G’ word when I’m telling them how I have no sleep.
I remember those days all to well. My oldest is 21 now and my youngest is 14. My youngest barley slept ever. I learned to sleep while rocking him or bouncing him. I remember getting like an hour a night sleeping an no nap during the day. Plus he was sick. He ended up with rsv. That sucked. But I vowed to both my kids when they have kids and they have those sleepless night grandma wi come and help so they can sleep. During the day or one night. Those parents that can forget those no nights of sleep baffle me. Or how am I going to cook a meal or do the wash. My oldest learned to do laundry to help out. And since the youngest barley slept ever until he became a teenager he was also mister I can do it myself at two. It was amazing. He made pb and j sandwiches. Okay. Just the peanut butter because jelly is yucky. Or are hot dogs for a month straight for every meal. And you go with it because he ate and wasn’t hungry. And it stopped the argument if your eating this. To a child who barley slept. So I feel your pain. Now he’s a teenager. It’s not much easier. Lol.
I read your post with interest because I am now retired, the mom of three grown sons. I had three sons in 3 1/2 years and remember the days when I would have killed for a good nights sleep. My husband traveled for a living and I was pretty much a single mom for most of their childhood. I have been guilty of telling young moms to enjoy every moment because they grow up too fast. I will be more careful to be empathetic in the future. I wish I had enjoyed them more and worried less when they were little. My youngest is now teaching in South Korea and I get to see him once every few years and I long for the days when he was here, not thousands of miles away. It will get better, hang in there. Hoping things start getting easier for you soon.
Reblogged this on Raccoon Eyes & Power Rangers and commented:
HAD to steal this! Couldn’t have said it better myself!!
Seriously, why are u not writing in the womans day? This is the real shit woman need to hear – honestly i dont actually read the womans day (4kids) but saw this weird womans day post on facebook that was something like “can woman really have it all?” Comment below. Someone should tell them to get with the programme because even implying that shit makes me feel like a failure for not “having it all”. Righteous sister! Great post – what i thought only said in a non spastic way 🙂
Thanks for your post. You nailed it in the head!
I remember being pregnant and miserable. Swelled beyond comprehension with toxemia and having the audacity to complain and I got to hear, “Be grateful. Some people can’t even get pregnant.” I really had this exact same feeling. Good on ya.
YES! My boys are currently 8 and 15. I recently went back to school to pursue my career as an RN. I don’t have time for their “What’s for supper?” and “Where are my socks?” bullshit. I complained to my mom that these kids just aren’t thinking for themselves and I get told to “Baby them while I can because soon they’ll be on their own” WTF. I understand why some animals eat their young.
My beautiful daughter is 16 months, and I am not ashamed to say she is a blessing and a curse. She’s a blessing because she’s so sweet and really an easy baby. She’s a curse (or, rather, the relationship that lead to her is) because I’m now a single mom working full time, living with my grandparents because I don’t make triple the rent of any apartments in my area, and trying to make do with one bedroom for all our crap. Some days it’s so frustrating to know that it’s going to be so fucking long before I can afford a place of our own. Some days all I want is half an hour of me time after working a long shift on my feet paying attention to other people. Some days all I want to do is scream. Some days are so bad I yell at her (I know!), but when (God forbid) I show my frustration in this way, I get looked at like I’m crazy and told to ‘give that baby more respect’. I know ‘some days’ will be over, sooner than I realize, but dammit let me be frustrated with the way my life is, because if I’m forced to hold back this frustration for much longer I’m going to run off to Reno and marry a male prostitute. (not really… I couldn’t leave her for the world. but some days it feels like I could.) Thank you for making me feel less guilty. Now I know I’m not alone!
Pingback: Today I wanted to quit motherhood.... | Julie Bhosale
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so very much for posting this! I get the “be grateful” thing all the time. I feel horrible when that happens. “Like, really? I think God everyday for my little boy. But since you’re saying be grateful, I must be a horrible parent right?” Oh this post is so spot on!!! Thank you again you are awesome!!!!!
#iamgrateful
Ahhhhhhhhh ! YAY !!!! Mama’s who actually get how i’m feeling. Thank you to the beautiful mama that shared this 🙂 Although i don’t give two fuck’s when people message me that kind of b.s 😀 I just turn around and say unless you’re here 24-7 doing my job, or you’re going to offer to help shut the fuck up and but the fuck out hahaha. I just can’t stand when people feel obligated to have an opinion about a situation they weren’t through centuries ago when they probably had the same feelings at us when they started out !
But anyways, every mama in this world is AMAZING ! Actually beyond amazing, you can’t put in words how great & proud I am to be a woman & a mama. Because we push ourselves beyond our limits without even realising sometimes.
As a mom of five ages 9, 6, 3, 1 and 4 months I so needed this post. I honestly feel this way at least twice a week if not everyday. This post was so spot on. So needed. Thanks for making me feel like I am not alone in this. A very grateful…lmao. ..mom
I love this entry, just so much. Thank you!
I’m a single mom and a fulltime student, I deal with everything on my own since my family lives to far away to help. Whenever I vent about how hard it can be to deal with a toddler and undergrad without any help I keep getting comments that say I should go talk to a psychologist cause I have to be dealing with some sort of depression since I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Reading this entry and all the comments made me feel so much less alone.
Mamma, I am a single mom of a daughter, and my family is also in another state. She is now grown and in grad school, BUT, it was really tough to balance work, school, daycare, etc. and it IS exhausting! Not to mention all the normal worries that go along with parenting and having to handle it alone instead of a team approach of two parents. As much as I might want to say “enjoy it while they are young, it goes by so fast” I bite my tongue because it’s easy now for me to look back and remember the good parts of having a young child, and they outweigh the bad. But please, don’t let anyone make you think it’s not difficult as hell at times!
Good for you that you are taking care of your child on your own which being in that exact same situation already says what a strong woman you are., and then you’re also taking care of your own future and needs which will be something one day your child will realize how much you juggled on your own and they will be so proud of you too!! Keep up the amazing job and you sound like a great role model and example to your child that anything is possible if you really want it! Good job momma!! Keep on trucking through and you’re a great mom and strong woman! You go girl:)
Amen Sister!
I just had a (don’t slap me) long weekend to myself in my own house. It was heaven. On the morning of the second day I thought OMG. what have we done to our lives…? We have two delightful children 3 yrs & 20 mos. It’s sure hard and crazy awesome at the same time. Hang in there. And #clusterfeedingsucks
From a mom who pumped then went with formula, it’s okay to hate BFing.
My husband and I haven’t has sex in 8 months. I so miss getting drunk and boning, sleeping until noon, brunching and doing it all over again. I sometimes think why did I have kids? When does this get fun? When can they just leave me the fuck alone for one minute? Worst mother ever.
OMG I miss drunken boning!
No your not you sound like every parent that hasn’t seen there spouse on top of em in 8 months lol. No worries until the day comes when you dont notice your feelings. Im a single dad of two 7 youd boys i have sole custody everytime i make the mistake of opening up people including my own mother say well maybe you just cant do it maybe you should give em up or give them to you insane x wife. Like wtf.
U can do it! Obviously u Are doing it, its just hard. Its ok to get frustrated and vent about the hard times. Being a parent is the toughest job in the world but that doesnt mean u love them any less.
Thank you omg I love this comment.
Genius, well done. I am sharing with wife.
Genius, I am sharing with wife. The seven year old still tries to climb in with us.
Thankyou for saying it!
For putting it into words, for helping me to realize how to respond to people who do say things like this to me,
I get you. Thanks for being so REAL. It does suck-this parenting lark- and often. Nice someone has the guts to say it out loud. I also had two non sleepers bestowed upon me…. I sooooo get it. You have put the thoughts and feelings of (I suspect a majority) many, extremely eloquently. And chocolate is always welcome around my neck of the woods! Keep on, keeping on.
A friend and I used to have a support group for women who had planned on Cesareans after planning for “natural” childbirth. One of the things we told them was you will be exhausted, post-surgical (but no one thinks of that because you “just” had a baby, not your gall bladder out), confused, uncertain, and most of all, exhausted. It is normal to think “why did I do this” or how easy it would be to throw this small creature against a wall because it’s shit all over the place several times, vomited on your last clean shirt, cried for hours, not let you sleep for days. If you think you might actually do it, walk away — get help. Better to leave your child alone for a bit than to hurt them. But every parent gets to the end of their rope at some point.
That’s a wonderful thing you and your friend did. Thank goodness there are so many mums like you out there who support other mums. I’ve had incredible support from other mums too and I don’t know what I would have done without them.
I think it is *also* dangerous to tell moms (in those difficult wee hours) that they should be grateful because this is the best time of their life because… WTF? Its going to get WORSE?? Oh fuck that!
I’ve been trying to get my son to go to sleep for about 4 hours now. Its midnight. OMFG. I’m SOOOOO grateful. 😛
thank u for this post 🙂 i love it so much.. sometimes im just so exhausted being a mother of 5 but everytime my 2 older boys (from 1st marriage) gets home from visiting their father over the weekend, they always want to cuddle & tell me stories of whatever.. they are 13 & 12 🙂 i want my kids to always be with me, its chaos though hahaha.. thanks for this post, reminds me that im not the only one and that its okay.. #iamgrateful yes i am..
I have teenagers and I still sometimes want to quit – no one will take my resignation! We all need to hear that it’s ok to really hate motherhood sometimes and that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. And one day we will sleep again (I hope)!
my kids are grown up now, but i remember how f@&$)ing hard it was, i sometimes wish my kids were little again and then i remember how hard it was, some times i totally resented the little shits, but never stopped loving them, my daughted slept on a mattress next to my bed ( finally kicked her out, so so desperate for sleep) until she was 10, with much tut tutting from friends, yes its hard , but we know you love them and it is worth it in the end
Just thank you for this. Thank you. For the love of god, thank you for finally saying what we all want to say.
The AHs who told me to be grateful are mostly all dead now. I was a full time university student and then a full time professional. The babies weren’t weaned until two years. Then there was the business of raising two other kids because their mothers wanted llllloooooonnnnnnngggggg holidays from them. I had so much milk that I should have hired myself out to feed half a dozen more. Your rant should be sold and published as is. You could sell it to CBC radio and make a lot of money. Or enter it into a literary contest; that earns even more money if it’s in the winners’ circle. Every generation of mothers does the best job possible–but they sleep so little they should be out there working for the CIA or the FBI because spies don’t sleep regular hours.
Does anyone else want to snap necks when you’re up multiple times with the baby while hubby sleeps through, oblivious, then he wakes up and bitches ALL MORNING about how tired HE is?
Yes. 🙂
As I watch him snooze right now during my 3am feeding, YES
That BS drives me up the wall! It happens almost everyday around my house. My husband sees me yawn, “why are so tired, you went to bed before me”. Me, in my best attempt to be nice, “well, the boys decided they’d take turns waking me up all night and then the baby wouldn’t sleep in his bed, so I held him all night.” Still clueless husband, “But I had to wake up before 8am to go to work(where he SITS in the presence of adult humans that don’t bother him unless it’s absolute necessary) and I’m not complaining.” Lol then he gets this, “WTF? I yawned, you asked and I told you; that’s not complaining! I get very little actual sleep every night and try not to wake you up, now shut your mouth!” lol #iamgratful
I feel for you abc know exactly how it is. I’m going thru it also. Screw those who want to think your ungrateful and are going insane.
I’m going inane but I’m not ungrateful by any means.
I’m grateful when I actually get to pee without an audience.
I’m grateful when I actually get 4 hours of sleep in a row.
I’m grateful my kids learn new ways of keeping me on my toes.
I’m grateful my kids smile at me and make me laugh even thou it just about kills me when I’m broken down to tears.
I’m grateful they learn from me even thou I don’t think I’ve taught them anything that day.
I’m grateful I had my kids and everything we will endure from day one. I could go on but I think one of them is pulling everything out of the fridge as I type. Lol
Last comment (I promise)
I forgot to thank you for this post. I’ve been known to change the lyrics of the song Little Peter Rabbit to ‘Mamma’s gonna throw you up against the fucken wall.’ I told someone this once, she looked at me like I just threatened to eat the baby. So thanks for making me feel not like a child hater. And I have to say, singing expletives with a smile does help.
I just had a laughing/crying fit after reading your post. I would have laughed my head off if you’d said that to me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xtcB457jqQ Watch this – Hilarious reading of the children’s book : ‘Go the F**k to Sleep’ . read by Noni Hazlehurst – an Aussie actress that read lovely books on Play School for decades
Oh yes, hear, hear! Parenting isn’t all unicorns and rainbows, sometimes, a lot of the time, it is hard shit. I don’t trust people who are always happy and ‘isn’t life wonderful’. Maybe I’m cynical, but I would trust you! Keep keeping it real and I hope tomorrow is a better day!
I’m an actively involved dad. My kids are 42, 35, 21, 19, 4, and 3 months. The 4 year old and the 3 month old are a joy, but managing them can be maddening. Obviously I love kids. Obviously I’ve had a lifetime of puke on my shirt, crap on my hands, fevers, wet beds, emergency rooms at 3 am, the 24 hour drug store, ear aches, birthday cakes, days at the beach, backyard swings, giggles under the covers, sweet kisses, proms, crashed cars, and laughter. It’s life. It’s hard. It’s joyous. It’s tragic. It’s called living a full life. Don’t let anyone else tell you how you should do it.
Too true!! It’s an incredibly exhausting and often thankless task having two small kids. Woken by 7 year old at 3am after a bad dream, cuddled her back to sleep only for her to starfish in the middle of the bed and snore louder than a steam train, leaving us awake, balancing precariously and wondering how a small child could create so much noise! 6am sleep deprived and watching Gruffalo for the 100th + time with the 4 year old. Full day of work ahead and been awake for half a day. I am grateful but tend to be more so after a full nights sleep and some special cuddles with my incredibly tolerant boyfriend.
It has been a long time since I had a baby on the breast and 2 squidwiggles trying to get into bed with us as well…Yes parenting is sometimes bloody fucking hard!!!! You wont even know if you have got it right until years later you see your boys going thru the same thing with their own babies. What can I say…it does get better, for a while, and then they are teen agers lol, but you will always love them, they will always love you. You sound like a wonderful woman, wife and mother!!
I dont think I wanna have kids anymore …this post including comments seeing what women/men go thru…..no sleep, puke, shit, fevers, crying….and its a never ending
Actually, it isn’t never ending. It certainly ends and that’s where the unhelpful comments come from. The parents who are done.
I bloody love you for writing that post (and I’m grateful!)
Parents (yes all of us) do more than their bodies let them and far more than their minds can cope with. As a parent of 2 breast fed girls (one about to leave high school in 15 weeks) … I STILL remember the sleepless nights! I also had PND with my first. I wish I had the outlet that blogging offers then. Instead I had a crap, unnsupportive husband and an opinionated M in L (13 years after her son divorced me for another woman, she’s still an opinionated bitch). Anyway, Life is great now … Amidst the teenage tantrums and moments of deep breaths and wondering where the ‘ME’ time is …. I am still grateful (for my children, much nicer 2nd husband, friends, kitties, food in the cupboard, wine on the shelf, etc. etc.). But a good rant still helps sometimes and hearing other Mum’s feel just the same helps ‘much’ more. For that, I’m grateful I can not feel guilty about the occasional rant. #IamSoGrateful
Ok so the likelihood of you even seeing this email is about 0.0001% due to the amazing response to this blog, I have actually read it on 5 different pages on fake book. But I hear you!!! OMFG do I hear you. we only have the one “gift” & she is now 9.5years old, in the last week I have only achieved a total of 28 hours sleep as our miss is ASD and has anxiety and seperation disfunction and the clincher she doesn’t actually produce a normal amount of melition so doesn’t physically get tired!!! So nights I really wonder what in gods name I am doing. lying beside her praying she will shut up and go to sleep. But its when we lie down that suddenly she has decided that the problems of the world must be solved ie if dads car ovwrheats on his way to work and blows up how will he get to work tomorrow, when will you get another job and if you don’t what are you going to do (now none of these are topics we would ever discuss in front of her as they should not concern her) then there are the big ones, if your cancer comes back and you die who will be my mummy? generally I try and stop it before we get to the heavy stuff by reminding her that we love her and that she has to shut up and sleep. (and that I will not respond again until after the sun wakes up!). And if by some fluke of unbelievable luck some forgetful family members offer to have her sleep over for the night (for which I have to prep her and remid her when we will collect her etc) they always say ” she isn’t really that bad she will lie quietly and not disturb the house” (only because she knows she would never be invited back if she called out in the dark or went and helped herself to a glass of milk). So what I am saying is I hear you…. and its crap having a kid that doesn’t sleep but I will tell you what I try to remind myself of… “90% of the world’s greatest money makers all have sleep issues so I constantly remind her at 2am when we are solving the worlds energy crisis that when she becomes rich and famous I will become accustomed to the lifestyle she will keep me in.
Fab, entertaining article. One of my other favourite, ‘helpful’ comments is “you should sleep when they do.” Oh thanks so much, didn’t think of that. BTW when you bring my chocolate around and I am sleeping would you mind washing my shitty bed sheets, filling my fridge with food and cooking some for later, doing the pile of dishes in my sink (from the amount of breakfast time eating my 3 year old does), and then smell my breath whilst I am sleeping because I might not have had a chance to brush my teeth yet?
I’m doing a couselling course…and after years of attempting to make friends and family feel better with the ‘and least…’ comments comparing the difficulties they’re experiencing with those considered worse or better…I have realised that it’s about as useful as far ting in the wind. I read your blog and it really hit home. I’m a single parent to two now teenage children, I work and study a full time course and I’m constantly shattered. I get the positivity from everyone around me and I too sometimes wish someone would just acknowledge my daily struggles. Bless you and may you find the inner strength to face each moment of parenting as it is the hardest job in the world xx
Being a parent to young kids IS TOUGH… Mine are grown up now but I will never forget the years of sleep deprived nights, every night…! I love your honesty and please stay honest and keep expressing your feelings as there are so many parents of young ones who will take comfort from your post and know they are not alone in feeling like this.
Thank you! I loved this. My son is finally five and everyone is asking me when am i going to have the next one. I get this pity look when I say not any time soon. I just started enjoy a regular sleep pattern. Yes I love me son and maybe I’m totally selfish but I’m just not ready for all that again…not yet!
I found being a first time mother very very hard. And I got so many comments too about oh come on it’s the same for all mothers. Or eevryone goes through this blah blah…but you see I never saw other mothers go through what I was going through. I seemed to have all the difficult situations while my mother peers were round the cafe breastfeeding and relaxed. I couldnt even get out the house and to the park opposite my house, never mind get on a bus and meet my mates for a coffee or something. I had crazy comments left right and center. On the bus, off the bus, in the park, in the shops, sitting on a park bench, walking. I felt all I had to do was step outside to get comments. So I learned and stopped trying so hard to go out almost every day. I wittled it down to every 4 days….then I found myself getting fat and lazy as I was kind of depressed I guess. With the lack of help and support from my hubby and had no mates as everyone worked all day…just felt it was a battle all day and all night…..I went on auto pliot with no energy and was expected to feel good, be on my best behaviour and be sociable. How?! Right! I totally agree we as mothers need someone to complain too, a mother who isn’t so up her arse about her amazing mothering skills. We don’t want a mother who has had it so easy and has a medal for it. Who gets the best mothers day gifts ever and shoves it in your face (the ones who get a fake oscar with their name on it super mom award). We dont need those mums. What we need is a partner who is there for us, who can some days actually feel sorry for us, saw aww there there and give us a bloody hug now and then or a uick back run or something. Who will empty the dishwasher for us and pick up some clothes here n there and put them in the washing machine for us. A person who will say oh never mind theres no dinner tonight, I’ll just put on some pasta and make a salad for you. OR we need a friend that will come around with some cleaning products and tell me to put my feet up for at least 10 mins for her to spring clean for just ten minutes even. Or just get some cookies and milk for me:)))Anything helps!!!! Now I’ve been there and done that. I can relate to those mothers who have it hard. When I see mothers with a babysitter or a cleaner I get so jealous!!! If I had that money, of course I’d hsve that help too. And those mothers still complain how hard their lives are. Well there is always someone worse off than you and always someone better off than you. So I just forget all the other mothers and just get on with my own difficult life. I love my life and wouldnt have it any other way. Fuck it! I look after No1 and stuff the rest. It’s survival skills hahaha:p
Reblogged this on Postmodern Mummy and commented:
SO many swears, but SO good! Keep keepin’ in REAL mummies!
Just, thankyou.
This was amazing, like you read my mind 🙂
Haha! I think your ace! Perfectly put. Thank you for the breath of fresh air. Please keep writing! Funny & honest x
I love the way you write, from your heart, you say what you feel, no fiction. I am at the early stage of parenthood, my boy is 14 months old now. When, he was much younger, I volunteered to do the ‘night watch’ most of the nights while my wife slept. (meanwhile, I must confess women are super human beings). I enjoyed every minute of it. I waited on him to wake up and ask (howler) for his meal. He asked for it twice before dawn. It was a huge challenge but very exciting. I love him so much and I have made up my mind to write part of his life story and I have to start from the beginning.
I am laughing sooo hard, it is beautiful, what you have said and I have said the same myself, been judged blah blah – someone wrote above …..”I’m grateful I had my kids and everything we will endure from day one. I could go on but I think one of them is pulling everything out of the fridge as I type. Lol” and I thought…… I could write exactly the same thing now and mine are 25 and 27!! Lovely work guys, thank you for the best laugh in ages – (maybe a release after all these years!!) with compassionate empathy xxx
Reblogged this on No cream No Sugar.
I love, love, love this! My husband works nights and weekends and I work full time during the week so all my spare time is spent with the kids. Sometimes I’d just love to sit down and read a good book with a cup of tea but there’s never any time for that. If my bum happened to meet a chair at any time of the day, you could guarantee there’d be a request to make lego or watch them play basketball or go to the beach within seconds. I’ve learned not to sit down if I need a little peace. This week my husband is away so it’s even worse. But as I lay here in bed, with a tiny arm wrapped around my waist and two distinct but subtle snores behind me, I know I wouldn’t change anything.
OMG you are amazing so true I am the same 🙂 you rock my children do my head in most of the time but in do not love them any less and some times I just want to lock them out side haha but I’m never going to do that to them but we are aloud to have thought thoughts 🙂 keep it up women
I am laughing my ass-off!! My friend shared this with me on facebook and wouldn’t you know…It was 4:30 am when i was reading it as my 5 mo old had woken up crying (still in bed with me from the 12 am feeding) and some time in the night my 2 year old came into bed. I had jumped out of bed with the 5 mo old so the 2 year old wouldn’t wake up only to realize I was soaking wet from a leaky bottle. I get it and absolutely love your honesty!!! I would love to hear your comments on the pricks in the stores who look at you when you have a kid in a carrier, one sitting NICELY in the cart and the third walking NICELY beside the cart and all they have to say is “oh my, you have your hands full” thats when i want to politely say, “get fucked!” because if my kids were screaming and throwing a tantrum those same pricks would inform me to control my kids!! and once again i want to say…get fucked!!
Amen!!! Now try to rest sister!!!!
You’re post is so on point. Some people either don’t know or have had a brain fart and have forgotten how hard raising babies can be. Of course we’re grateful, it goes without saying but it doesn’t mean we don’t struggle some days like the rest of the population.
You carry on, you’re doing a great job and if you want to express a moment of frustration we’re all ears.
Kate
http://www.mydaywithjack.wordpress.com
I loved this. I don’t have kids, but I do have Facebook, and reading those trite comments from older women drives me bananas! Parenting looks hard, but I bet you are living in the present and feeling more grateful than those older moms ever did. If you’ve got a free hand, I’d love to give you a high five.
OMG such an honest post- thank you! Yes, its so important to keep it real and honest. All the people telling you to be grateful are probably the ones calling themselves ‘mummy’ – like in the 3rd person all the sodding time! Kids are hard work – fucking hard work- of COURSE we love them – but aren’t we allowed to vent about how annoying they are too? Nicely done here….. x
yes!!!!!! I have stopped posting about how exhausting it is having a 2 year old and newborn because those comments make me even more stressed out!
Ever since the baby was born our 2 year old has become unnaturally afraid of the train noises that occur in the night, during the day the train is her best friend lol. She comes out of her room saying “choo choo!!” And we have to quickly usher her into out bed before she wakes up the little one. The. I get the lovely morning wake up of her knee in my back or her completely taken over my pillow and I am scrunched at the end of the bed.
Seriously how can someone so little take up SO much space!
Hugs to you! I have grown kids, and I have young kids. OF COURSE we all remember and often romanticize the parts of it that are gone, that we will never have to go through again. I also remember the tough times. The times when it really hurt while I was upset or struggling with some normal stage of being a parent, and another “older, wiser, more experienced” parent would laugh and say “I’m so glad that isn’t me anymore!” Compassion, understanding, support will go so much further. I would rather asked if I can help, offer an ear, rather than tell someone to be grateful for anything.
I like that you listed things that may be more helpful. I especially liked the idea of bringing chocolate by. That works for everyone. 🙂
This. A thousand times. And can we make this for other things too.?Like the other day I was complaining about not being able to find a decent sports bra and hating my boobs. And one of my well-meaning cancer survivors said, “at least you still have them.”
I’m sorry you had cancer. I know it sucks for you. But let me bitch about things that make me cry in my car for 45 minutes without making me feel guilty about it, ‘k?
I SO GET IT and I’m (lol) so grateful to you for this article!! Finally someone says it! I have a sister who’s struggling to conceive and I can’t say a damned thing about how hard it is sometimes with my kid because I hear Be Grateful you have her from her. I get it from so many others too whenever I’m venting about being any kind of tired or not praising my kid for having unicorns shooting out of her rear. So freaking frustrating!! Did I say I wasn’t grateful? No! Just that I’m tired and worn out and dream sometimes of checking out. I would never do it in a million years but just hat little fantasy might sometimes get me through the day. I get it. I get it. I get it. You are not alone. And now it’s nice to know that neither am I.
I love this, it hits the nail on the head, it is perfect. I have something to add; the “You must be feeling so much joy” “your kids are so wonderful” “you’re doing such a great job” “your kids are magic”, I mean maybe I should take it as compliments but at times they sting like the be grateful in that, like being said here, there are much more practical things to say or actually do. We’re not looking for constant apparaisals, they can be just as condescending, they’re not so joyous or magic when they are sick or have some challenges or are just plain naughty or annoying. Us Mums have to take the whole package deal, the fairweatherers run the other way when the going gets tough and for those relatives that see them, only get a glimpse and are only there a few hours a week. Some really helpful things would be to cut the crappy compliments, stop deliberately winding said children up and then leaving or bringing crap food which I have to say no to then going all sickeningly silent like I’m torturing them, tell them when they stink and need to change their pants, not me, and treat me like the individual living breathing being that I am, often,in spite of the life sucking leeches I have to drag around…oh but they are beautiful I know, but I can feel it in my own way when I want, not when I am told!!
Amen! I’m living the precious yet maddening life right now with a 5 year old boy and his twin brothers who just turned one. It’s crazy hard. Thank you for this post!
Like everyone else, I used to get these same comments. My kiddo is older now, and I can say that the “Be grateful comments” do die down as they get bigger. But here’s the thing: do I miss my kid being tiny and curling up to sleep on me all nice smelling and warm? You bet I do, she’s almost as tall as me now. Do I miss all the really cute stuff they do when they’re tiny and in awe of everything? Yep. I also miss tiny hands patting my cheeks and holding my fingers. But do I miss being woken up at quarter-past-whatever-darkness by a screaming baby covered in puke? Or not even being able to go to the bathroom by myself? Or my favourite shirt wrecked by substances you don’t want to think about? No! Who in their right mind would miss any of that!? Just because your kids grow up doesn’t mean you want to go back to the time-of-no-sleep!
I am grateful. Grateful that she’s grown out of all of that, and is now a teenager who stays in bed until noon.
Yes they lovely, yes you love them and are grateful but right here and now in this moment you are looking for some sympathy, acknowledgement and understanding.. And maybe a way to move your 8yo in the bed so that you have space and he doesn’t wake up?? Not too much to ask!
This is why I don’t move my two year old! When it takes me forever to get him to sleep I’m not going to move him! I’d rather just curl up at the end of the bed. Well I’d rather him not be in the bed but beggars can’t be choosers! Having an eight year old in bed must be tough! My boy is ALL LEGS I can’t imagine how tall he will be at eight! Hope you get some sleep soon! X
brilliant x good for you and your awesome honesty x have a brilliant day x helped me remember this parenting shit is proper tough x
i think most “be grateful ” comments come from non parents who’s pet mini fluffy animal / surrogate child has puked on the angora throw again lmao ….. My son is 29 … He’s making me a nana in August…. He’s still a pain in the butt sometimes but hey he’s mine I love him …. Parenting is hard and downright horrid some days ! But the good days wipe them bad days out…. So all I’m gonna say is well done for being honest good for you , and would you like some chocolate.
Thank you!!!!! I’m an adoptive mommy and get double the guilt from people when I complain. Like “didnt you jump through hoops for this???” And “you of all people knew what you were getting into, you asked for it.”
Holy crap, people really say stuff like that to you?? Shame on them! Freaking ridiculous!
Thank you !! it is ever so true- you hear the most stupid commnets as an adoptive mom!!
My God, yes! We are the parents of an amazing, adorable, wonderful almost 4 year old who STILL isn’t sleeping through the night… My exhaustion is exhausted. And if I say anything other than the sun shines out her ass I get “but she’s worth it…” It makes me want to scream.
I know the feeling! We are foster parents. We have bio kids, adopted kids and 1 foster kiddo left (almost to adoption) and we get the same crap! “Just be great full, you wanted this remember? If you knew it would be this hard, would you do it again?” Seriously people?!?! He’ll yes I would. My kids are jerks at some point every day but I would do it again in a heartbeat.
YEP, we adopted a baby girl 8 months ago in our own state of VA (which was like 2% chance of happening), only took 1.5 months to place and we are soo grateful BUT yes we can still have those days, too! I often am scared to complain at ALL! She is a great baby but sometimes (like today’s start of sleep training) are not the best and I want to run out the front door and keep running 😉 Like Forrest Gump style.
Lol Forest Gump style, I could see my self doing that.
Oh Christy im in the same state and our adoption was two months!
Wow what jerks some people can be to say that to you, not fair.
A friend sent this to me after I posted on Facebook at 5:45am that both kids (three year old son and 6 month old daughter) had been awake since 4:30 because the older one had a nightmare and kept coming in and waking up the baby while I was trying to nurse her and put her back to bed.
Yes. Yes, and thank you. Thank you so much. I couldn’t stop laughing.
Also, a few months ago, my son was crawling over me to get into bed with us, and I thought it was my daughter (8 weeks old at the time.) And I was like, “oh my gosh, she’s already crawling??” Glad I’m not the only one for whom nighttime is so confusing/completely horrible.
LOL! “She’s crawling already?”
Reblogged this on Peaceful City Life.
Or worse, “you made your choices”. How condescending is that?
But my favorite comment on an exhausted Facebook status was from another sleepless mom who told me the next time I’m up at 3:00 am I should sent her an IM since she will most likely be up as well. Now THAT was welcome advice!
Shit yes. I think the “you made your choices/You made your bed” comments are the worst actually. I straight up think the people who say those are assholes. They’re in a completely different league than the Be Grateful Brigade!
Ugh, I hate that comment so much. When I was in grad school I told some friends I was super tired from my 10 month old still not sleeping through night. Later that day I walked by the student lounge and overheard one of them saying- “but she chose to be a mom.” It pissed me off and hurt my feelings. I went in there and told her that she complains about how hard grad school is all the time, but she didn’t hear me saying- “but you chose to go to get a PhD” People are jerks sometimes.
holy hell. You just spoke to my soul. Two kids under two, a long night in the ER and your words were just what I needed. You are clearing rocking at being a mother, and your reflections sprinkled with a little reality based humor are keeping me from screaming a throwing a pillow at the wall, so THANK you.
Oh thank you Megan! Being in the ER is so tough. We have spent many nights at the hospital so I really feel for you! Hope you get some sleep soon x
Fantastic Post. I remember times when my world was much like you described and I was sure I was doomed to a sleepless eternity of chaos because I was an awful mommy! Luckily I always seemed to be saved by hearing of another parent’s similar struggles and subsequent rise out of the momentary desperation.
Parenting SUCKS! Anyone who has done it knows that’s true. They also know they would do it all over again if they had to. The KNOW they are grateful! What they don’t know at any given moment is if they are going to survive it.
My daughter is 13 now but I do remember how hard it was when she was little. I kept saying why don’t people tell you how hard it is? So I applaud you for speaking truth. She was not a sleeper. She was ridiculously clingy and wanted my boobs 24 hours a day. I was a human soother. Now that she’s 13 , and wants nothing to do with me most of the time, I do miss those days but would never tell some one to not feel what they’re feeling. Parenthood is hard. It’s hard when they’re young and it’s hard when they’re 13…
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’m a first time mom with twin boys and I can relate! I certainly feel so much better after reading your post. It was hysterical as well. Keep writing… When you have the time 😉
My son will be 21 this month. Yes, I jumped through hoops to get pregnant. He’s an only child and to this day, I still say that I learn from my mistakes.
Mine is 36 and an only. Married and living just far enough away from us…..but each stage makes me look back and say, “How in the h*ll did we survive it. How the h”ll did he survive it and manage to get to be this old with out us being committed?” LOL, I even said that in my speech at his wedding! It always seems like new, unknown territory…… that no one bothered to tell me that being a parent would continue to be so hard for so many years. Keep up the great work young moms! It sounds to me like YOU ALL are doing the best thing ever…..raising our future.
Oh my gosh. My girls are both all grown up now – eldest just turned 30, younger is 24 – and I still remember those hard days and nights. And at those times, it’s honestly life saving to have someone, even just ONE PERSON, you can call/text/whatever who gets what you’re going through. Also, I have no patience for people who try to tell me how I should feel – just go away. Oh – about them not remembering what you’re doing now – no, they won’t. But you will. And I think it provides a kind of foundation for your lives together – I don’t know that for sure, but it seems to me all the crap work you’re doing now makes a difference in the long run.
totally feel your pain!! luckily mine sleep in their own beds now, well, unless they are sick/ heard a noise/ can’t sleep/ woke up & thought it was daytime/ at which point they are comatose sideways across the bed, and the hubs & I are clinging by one butt cheek (each) to either edge. And then there’s the puppy……#IAmGratefulButExhaustedIt’sOkToBeBoth
I ‘hear you’ and love this article too.
But, I must say also, now my son is twenty one and does not like me or want to hug me or live with me most of the time(Boohoo!) and is still dependent and needy, I think I know what these people are talking about… and yes its rather tragic! It is the biggest rejection of your life time, your own sweet child, your flesh and blood, the person you know better then anyone, your baby, the person you love more then anyone rejects your care, love and affection, and it’s inevitable (no matter how nice a child, how good your relationship, OR what a great parent you are) Unfortunately they are going to reject you, they are meant to, it’s as simple as that. It’s essential if they are ever to leave home and have a relationship with someone else, that that piss you off enough and vice versa.
It’s just another parenting reality that people dont tell you, so I am now, it sucks!
But, it also sucks to be smarmy and ‘Oooh appreciate them now, be grateful” because you cant know, you cant appreciate it from any perspective when you’re in it. Impossible. So people saying that are just being know-it-alls and superior and all, even if they are ‘trying to be nice’. No one is meant to know this feeling while they are in the midst of it, or it would completely do your head in.
What they are really saying is “I wish my child didn’t grow up to hate me” I wish I could go back in time…. but they cant, just like you cant go forward until you’re there. Oh and they will come back to hug and love you, most of them do. My son even participated in a hug with me tonight would you believe! 😉
Be grateful you didn’t get pooped on. 😉 That’s my mantra when the terrible twosome (7 years and 19 months now, and still invading my bubble on a very regular basis) keep me up at all hours. Back when tot #1 was around 15 months old, she crawled in bed with me at some ungodly hour. Somehow got comfy by laying across me upside down. I said whatever, used my toddler as a blanket and went back to sleep only to be awoken by this horrific odor. I’m talking singe your nose hairs. She had “poopies”, and it leaked! On my head! Because that was where her tushy ended up. So after that night, no matter what they do, I always remind myself…at least you aren’t cleaning diarrhea out of your ear at 3 am! Anything to keep a little bit of sanity right!? Thank you so much for writing this. I have felt like this more times than I can count. I feel like this right now in fact. I wish more parents could open up about how hard it is, without being made to feel like they are being a bad parent.
Thank you for writing this. I hope people read it and think more carefully about how they respond to parental whinges and grumps.
I had not thought about it before but I probably do edit what I share about my kids so as not to incur the comments that make me feel like a petty asshole for complaint about the best things in my life. I blog about our family life as immigrants to the U.S. and while I have no difficulty ranting and raving about a whole host of frustrations – including the people who make asinine comments about us having four kids of a single gender – I rarely blog about my kids being annoying little butt heads. And maybe as a parent I have a sort of duty or moral obligation to make such statements so as to let future parents know that the reality of parenthood involves lots of stress and aggravation as well as joy and jubilation. And maybe it lets parents experiencing acute frustration that they are not alone.
So thank you for writing this and for making me think about what I share and don’t share.
Oh my gosh. Idea. You said this was a message from your friend’s mom, right? Can you enlist your friend to go over to her mom’s house and wake her up several time a night by climbing into her bed and stealing her blankets and pillows?? Maybe she could do it every night for two weeks??? And demand a cup of water and a snack and two songs and a story???? Remind the mom of what she’s missing out on!!
Right ON!!!
<3 Well put! TRUTH! I totally feel you and am sooo greatful that you had enough balls to put it out there that way! You just made my day! Now back to the reality of running my ass off for my amazing sleepless children as well! <3
Fucking thank you! I have 3 month old twins and at least 2 days out of the week I want to eat them like some kind of wild animal. But all I hear is how LUCKY I am and how grateful I should be and all of my friends just had singletons and they make it look so goddamn easy and they can just pack their baby up at any time of the day and traipse off to wherever they want on their own. Meanwhile, it takes an hour, sometimes two, of preparation, perfect timing and another person just to be able to go to the fucking grocery. But I feel like such an asshole expressing my frustrations to anyone besides my mother.
For Cami: I am so happy for you that you have your mother to talk with. Thank God! You are NOT an a-hole; and I hope you will not feel like one – EVER! Keep talking and getting out these thoughts and feelings – with your mum. Who cares what ANYONE thinks?! it IS hard raising children and NONE of them are born with a little booklet explaining what to do with this new individual who has arrived! Dang! It sure would help if they did! Right?! If you get a moment (?!) – see my comment to Boganette – which I also posted today…… God Bless YOU!
B, for you and others… http://www.amazon.com/Go-F-Sleep-Adam-Mansbach/dp/1617750255/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y
Hahaha, I loved this. I don’t have kids yet, and so I’m trying to store up all of these hints at how terribly difficult and frustrating it will be (along with the hilarity and love and wonder) and brace myself. We adopted a puppy last year, and those first few weeks when she wasn’t sleeping through the night were the absolute worst. I can’t imagine months/years of that, and having to let the little thing bite my boob as well! Thanks for the honesty, gives me some grounds for what to expect! 🙂
This is the best thing I’ve read about how I know I would feel if I were a parent. When I found out I was unable to have kids I felt that way at first. I’d always say “be thankful you have your kids” ” enjoy your time” and now when people ask me how I feel I say “I’m so glad that I didn’t have kids” because it is a thankless job, never-ending and one of the hardest jobs. I truly commend parents everywhere!
I swear I could have taken this EXACT. SAME. picture in my bedroom. Except my 2 year old asked for “bus!” (Wheels on the bus). I’m right there with you momma. My little one is 5 wks.
Team No Sleep
Isn’t wheels on the bus the worst? The mummies on the bus say “go the fuck to sleep”….
Seriously…
I need to remember that version next time it happens. Thanks!
Hey There! You try and hang in there young Lady. I LOVED your article. Well done, well said! No way I could think of a better comment about the crazy years with young children…….. My first two daughters came 14 months apart. My last daughter was born on my middle daughter’s 10th birthday. Because I was 35, just shy of 36 – when my last daughter was born, I was older (not wiser). I literally thought I would never make it through that period of time from her birth through her first seven years of life….. Seriously. I am 60 years old now and I TOTALLY remember NEVER sleeping for the first SEVEN years of my last child’s life. Ok. So, maybe it wasn’t a WHOLE seven years……..or was it?! I worked full time outside the home too, and at the time my husband did not. However, who was it that ALWAYS took care of our daughter at that time??? Well, me of course. He just could not carry/hold/walk/feed/sit with – her “properly” – to her liking…… so it was always me, me, me, me, me………… Ok, so at first, of course it was me – he certainly could not breastfeed her! I can laugh NOW, but at the time I think I hated him wholeheartedly! I totally love each and every one of my three daughters, but I remember thinking that I just knew I was going to die during this time. I stood for hours at night holding her and rocking back and forth on my feet. She would sleep as long as I did that, but the SECOND I put her down in her beautiful crib – she would wake up. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! As I look back on it now – because I CAN, because I did actually live through it all; I can smile about it and sometimes even laugh out loud. However, at the time it was NOT a laughing matter at all. These tough times will pass and I pray you get all the encouragement along with REAL physical help as possible. You and ALL the young mothers out there. I am with you, Sisters! God Bless and keep you and give you strength. Your LOVE for your children is so totally and completely obvious to me!
Love this article!! My children are 11, 7 and 6 now and I still feel the same way!!! #iamgrateful but I cannot wait for them to grow up. 🙂
This is the most honest post about parenthood i have ever seen. Just because your kids drive you crazy and sometimes you wish you could just put them on mute just to get some house work done or god forbid cook them food, doesnt mean that youre not greatful. As i was reading this post my almost two year old came up and spit half eaten gold fish in my hand and all i could think was “this is fucking disgusting please put it back in your mouth”, and then i just dodged him throwing his block at me. Praise you goddess cause you speak the truth.
Totally know where you are coming from — the exhaustion of having little kids is brutal, and a lot of people don’t get it. On second thought…actually a lot of people probably do, bc the majority of women in the world have kids. And have to do manual labour 7 days a week to feed them.
As for grateful, you will never be as grateful for you children as when you lose them. I, thank god, have not experienced this, but nearly did when my 2 year old son’s heart stopped. After battling for his life, he is a alive but a paraplegic. I could not be more grateful he is still in my life. Other children in the hospital at the same time we’re not so lucky. I will forever be haunted by the looks on those parent’s faces.
Sorry to be so harsh, but I think what could truy help mothers of this generation living in the first world is a bit of perspective.
Hi Elisabeth. First of all, I’m so glad your son is still with you. I know what it’s like to be thankful every day that your child is alive.
I’ve sat in the intensive care unit with my son watching him try to breathe. I’ve handed him over to surgeons three times and every time I have I’ve felt like my life was in the balance because I wouldn’t be able to live without him. I too am haunted by what I saw in our many stays in the children’s ward.
Please don’t make assumptions about other mothers who you don’t know. Try to have compassion and empathy for them instead. And if you can’t – consider keeping your opinions to yourself. I don’t lack perspective. I’ve got perspective up to my eyeballs.
I have 2 boys 9 years and 5 years. Both have yet to sleep through a night. I feel your pain.
I don’t have kids, but a lot of my friends do and they loved your poet 🙂 As someone sho suffers from anxiety and sleep deprivation I can wholeheartedly say I totally agree with you and do NOT EVER feel bad about any of it for two reasons, firstly, some people don’t realisse that they have kids who DO sleep, sho DON’t have major tantrums and who are generally easier to deal with than others (but that doesn’t mean the other ones are bad kids they just have different chemistry which is a good thngs), and econdly…most importantly, some people are just condescending, ignorant, patronising, moronic bufoons! I especially loved the first ‘suggested comment’ of ‘I don’t remember how hard it wawws never sleeping…’ haha. It’s not too specific it should have the person’s name attached to it 😛 Keep up the good work. When I piss off my mum she reminds me of when I always peed the bed and all the sleep she lost out on, it just means they’ll be ‘grateful’ for you having brought them up so well 😉
Reblogged this on and commented:
Skrattar rakt ut, älskar denna blogpost!
Thankyou and been there. I totally agree. Of course we’re grateful but being mom sucks most of the time. The few times that it doesn’t does make it worth it. We shouldn’t be patronized or made to feel guilty when we’re venting over the sucky part of being mom.
I love you. I want to marry you (it’s clear you’re taken, but a girl can dream). It’s as though you can seen inside my head, but can also write much better. Mine are 6 and 8 and I love them more than life itself but I feel you, sister 🙂
XOXOXO
ABC
You’re a rock star! Rock on with your bad self!
Amen. I got that all the time too. I think every mother does & I think it’s bullshit. I think (maybe they are trying to be helpful but maybe they are just being unsympathetic jerks disguised as trying to be helpful) b/c you know what? Those words have never once helped anybody. And those words are also not about the person struggling. They are about the inconsiderate person on the other end who is lightyears away from that stage, has made it through & is now, like you said, playing 8 hrs of Candy Crush on a full night’s sleep. They minimize you and invalidate you & that’s not right. B/c as you also said (& which I love) it “leads to those parents shutting down and never sharing how they truly feel. It leads to parents not having support networks. It leads to parents walking into parenthood without any idea of how hard some moments, some days, can be. It leads to such unfair expectations on parents – enjoy every minute or you’re a fucking monster. It leads to feeling like you’re doing it all wrong.” That’s always how I felt. So I didn’t listen & carried on knowing I was right to feel how I felt and no one has a right to say different. Great piece.
Thanks for saying it how it is for you at that time in your day, night or even life at that moment!
Yes I too love my daughter and am more than grateful that I have been blessed in my life having her but yes I sometimes feel like I’m losing my mind and patience and that doesn’t ever change how much I love her ,but everyone in all aspects of loving someone have days were they may not “like” the actions of that loved one but we always “love” them no matter what !! When we are feeling like we can’t truthfully rant or vent when times are frustrating is more harmful than good like this article says because for me at least once I talk to a friend or another parent about how I am feeling it just seems to help getting it off your chest, and knowing that you’re not alone in how you’re feelling , and getting those feelings out and feeling safe to be truthful without judgement is very important and necessary for all of us!!!
Pingback: Cool Things I Looked At This Week | S-Milestones
Don’t let anyone tell you what to be grateful for. You are you. Not them. I hope the Bed issue works out for you. Be well.
Thank you for this blog. I’m sleep deprived and had a horrible day with two small kids. But this made me smile! Keep writing!
I have 5…..the youngest are 16 year old twins. I was just thinking the other day how there were days I thought I’d never sleep well again. Time sure flies and I can totally relate to your dilemma. I have always hated when others tell us how “we should feel” about certain situations. Fu*# that! You feel how you feel and just let me alone to my own feelings! We all need to vent and we are not always looking for anyone else’s opinions, just let us go a little crazy and then we will go on and be OKAY. 🙂 Bless you and good luck.
yes! This is awesome. I am six months pregnant and honestly, now that I’m six months along it’s pretty cool and kind of unreal but the beginning was awful awful and not magical and even though it is cool now and I’ll even special, I’m not sure who came up with the word magical for it. I am grateful too. Grateful that it was so easy to get pregnant and grateful that so far everything is going well and the baby is healthy and I totally get you. You are allowed to feel this way. And frankly one of my friends with a five year old said that each phase goes slow and feels like it will last forever, so poo poo on whoever says it’s all flying by and that you’ll miss the poop because I am 100% sure that you will never miss the poop.
I’m glad you wrote this – it needs to be said! As you noted, it really is dangerous to pressure parents to enjoy things that are not enjoyable. Sure, the people who say these things are just being thoughtlessly nostalgic about the general time of their lives when their babies wanted to cuddle, and I understand the impulse. But I agree it makes parents who are reasonably overwhelmed feel guilty and alone.
For what it’s worth, I’m currently in treatment for breast cancer, I went through a period of serious terror that I might up and die and leave my kids motherless, and I’m bald and sick and tired. And I STILL don’t treasure the moments when I was so sleep-deprived I couldn’t function and my kids needed me every damn second, and I couldn’t get any traction in life. Even though there were good times during that period and I was healthy, and I do treasure the chance to be there with my children even more with my new perspective.
It. still. sucked. A lot of the time. Hang in there, and feel resentful and overwhelmed and frayed when you need to! (And dream of bourbon.)
Thank you so much for your comment and kind words Christine. I hope your treatment goes well. I can’t imagine how scary it would be to face cancer. I’m thinking of you x
A strange woman with cheerios in her hair turned to me with the same cold sleep deprived stare as me and said ‘I think my kid might be an asshole’….we have been firm friends ever since! Parenting is bat shit crazy hard….why some women make other mums feel bad is quite frankly beyond me…what happened to solidarity? I’m too tired to remember…all I know is my kids eat bugs and are kinda average….I’m going to bake an O.K cake to celebrate.
Amazing post! Thank you x
Do you have ESP? Because i swear that you are in my head! I have 3 boys aged 7, 5, 3 and am currently 8 weeks into growing my 4th little monster…uh…I mean miracle. Thank you for putting it all into words so perfectly and with just the right amount of “mom-ittude” Ive been prety lucky with having good sleepers, but I definitely have my “why the hell do I always have to be the one to take care of EVERYTHING, i may have baked them, but i didn’t mix the dough alone” moments. Sidenote, another statement that has made me consider taking down old ladies in the grocery store with my shopping cart? “Well don’t you have your hands full” Why thank you Captain Obvious, unless you plan on helping or paying for my groceries, back the fuck up before I punch you in the throat! I love my children with my heart and soul, but I don’t need random unhelpful advice.
AMEN! I got this all the time when I was pregnant, too. I don’t handle pregnancy well, and anytime I’d try to SAY how hard it was and miserable I was I’d get people shaming me for not being grateful that I was able to be pregnant. And I WAS grateful for that fact! My heart breaks for families dealing with infertility . . . but that doesn’t change the fact that sciatica and gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia and difficulty sleeping and acne and all the other myriad things I was upset about ARE REALLY REALLY HARD! It’s not a competition, and it feels like people want you to shut up anytime you try to mention something uncomfortable. Ugh. I’m all for truth telling and hate the fact that now you have to say so many times JUST HOW GRATEFUL YOU ARE, TRULY anytime you also need to say just how much something sucks :
This is Awesome!!! My kids are a little older now, and into the school and toddler stage, but I really wish someone would have said exactly what you just did back then. It’s SOOOOO hard, and yes, we ARE grateful, and we don’t need to feel like an asshole because some days are fucking hard. AND we should be able to express how hard it is without the condescending comments of others who have been there (or worse, those who haven’t). Sometimes we need some commiseration and “holy crap you must feel tired after all that” sympathy. Thanks for being candid.
This is amazing! You’ve put into words exactly what I’m too exhausted to say. I get so tired of people telling me how to feel or how to parent like “Little Johnny started sleeping through the night at 2 days old 22 years ago and I wish I could have been up with him.” And I’m just like “Oh yeah? Fuck you!” But I can’t really say that, so now I can just share this amazing blog and you can say it for me! Thank you so much!
LOL this is awesome. I’m reading this while breastfeeding my 4 week old in my bed with my almost 3 year old taking up the rest of the space – who also sleeps worse than a newborn!
I am not a mother. But I do have friends who are parents – and many of them were very happy to read your post when I shared it on Facebook the other day.
And I wanted to let you know that, even though I am not a mother, *I* appreciated your post a lot too. I grew up around people who always shoved down my throat the idea that motherhood is always this wonderful, special thing that is always sunshine and rainbows. They often give the impression that if you aren’t loving every second, and heaven forbid say that out loud, you’re a horrible person.
But knowing there are women who struggle but aren’t afraid to say it — knowing there are mothers who are okay admitting that you won’t love every single second, but that’s okay, and you can still be a great, loving mother — Well, it gives me hope is what it does. It makes me think I won’t be a horrible failure when I do have kids.
So thank you.
Thank you for this! These people who say such things have stopped me from admitting I’m tired and in need of help in the past. I had it during my pregnancy (32 weeks of morning sickness, pelvic girdle pain and restless legs) and the ‘at least you’re getting a baby’ comments stopped me from getting the help I needed, and made me worry about asking for help in the early months of motherhood because I was hearing ‘at least you have a baby, be grateful’! I love being a mother and I love my little 10 month old, but it’s goddam hard, so I should be allowed to admit it’s hard without such stupid comments! This is possibly one of the best articles on motherhood I’ve read xx
Three boys here: Twin 6 month olds and a 4 year old. The twins refuse to sleep and the eldest likes to wake up to tell us about what he’s dreaming about. Thanks for this.
Thank you for posting this awesome shit! I’m not the only one who feels this way. Don’t tell me to be grateful for the green poop that just flew out my daughter’s butt onto my work shirt when she was a little baby. Don’t tell me to be grateful for my daughter who is going to be 5 in a week and a half who is the most nosiest human being on the planet and I can’t have one phone conversation without her eaves dropping and asking me to talk to whomever she thinks I’m talking too. So she’ll take that phone conversation and tell people a shit ton of lies and twist it around and then people are congratulating me for my move to California and my new pregnancy that I didn’t even know about so I can’t have a phone conversation around her at all because she is that nosy. Don’t tell me to be grateful for my daughter who still hates sleeping at the age of 5 and no matter what time I put her to bed she wakes up no later than 7:30 am. Just let me complain and vent so I can try to move on and feel better. You are speaking for me and so many other mothers out there who have days where they also fantasize about being single with no kids and getting fucking wasted when parenthood is rough and flat out horrific at times but still love their kids to pieces and wouldn’t trade them for the world.
I hope that I am so lucky to be kept up by littles ones someday! Going through infertility for over 4 years is so emotionally stressful, and I also lose a lot of sleep. But, I totally get it. Yes, be frustrated and exhausted and all those other emotions that you are entitled to. We all have our daily struggles and people do not mean harm when they are telling you to be grateful any more than people mean harm when they tell me how lucky I am to not have anything tying me down. It is human nature to want to try to say things to put life in perspective for others, but sometimes you just want people to empathize. It is always better to just listen and show compassion for other people’s struggles instead of judging or trying to look at the “bright” side.
Well said, we should always show compassion. I really sincerely hope you get to be kept up by little ones one day. Infertility is a devastating battle. I feel for you x
But I hope that when you DO get to be kept up by little ones, you realize that you’re going to get frustrated and tired and annoyed, even though you tried really hard to have them, and that’s okay. Children are difficult. They’re also real people with personalities, and every set of personalities clashes at some point. You can desperately want your babies and desperately want a break. That’s okay. Just remember that.
Yes I’m hearing you I lost my new born son 16 weeks ago. I think next time round having this happen to me thinks the day I get pooed or vomited on, night’s I just don’t sleep I think it will make it easier because I’ll remember hoe lucky I am to have my baby in my care all mine not owned by the angel’s up in heaven. I get what this lady is saying. People say stupid shit. I also think the grass is always greener too. For me I’ve been enjoying late night’s consuming alot of alcohol to numb my heart or distract me from grief just for a short time. I have been able to sleep in until 10am or lay in bed on a sunday with a hang over but I’d throw that all away to be a mumma. They are only little for a short time god they grow so fast. Sometimes just sometimes you need to take a deep breath, and just realize what you’ve got but it’s ok too to wish you we’re doing something else. Anyway that’s my theory. x
I’m so very, very sorry for your loss Lauren. Respectfully, I think we do know what we have and expressing for a second that you’re exhausted isn’t the same as wishing your child wasn’t with you anymore. I think we all realise what we have – that’s the point. If we didn’t care we wouldn’t have our children. I think we would all never sleep again if it meant having our precious babies. People do say stupid shit – and that’s all I’m trying to get across with this post, it’s not meant to upset anyone. And I’m very sorry if it has.
OMG I laughed so hard and totally related. Mine are now 20,18 and 12 and I still remember sleepless night, and constant crying, and nosy girls and all the rest. Although it is now with more laughter than it was back then …..
It gets better … I promise 🙂
THANK YOU! I wish I had read this as my daughter refused to sleep for THREE years! I was so crazy with sleep deprivation and constant feedings and all of it. So grateful and in love with her, AND so, so very exhausted and frustrated. I vividly remember my mother saying “You just don’t seem to be enjoying this as much as you should.” … Oh how I wish, instead, that they had packed me off to a spa for a couple of nights (breast feeding be damned) and given me a few nights to sleep alone in a bed all through the night! Thank you so much for your post. We who have mothered (more recently than 20 years ago) are deeply grateful for your words and are right there with you!! My daughter is now 8 and I will tell you this: it gets better! I do not remember her first steps (I was too fucking tired!) but I do remember the first night I got to sleep through the night. It will happen for you. Just know that you are AMAZING!
I always tell moms to keep their chin up because one day… they won’t shit on you and they won’t need a small caravan to go shopping. One day they’ll be small people that can fix themselves a sandwich and buckle themselves into a car and tell you funny jokes and have insights into the world that will amaze you!! Babies are great…cuddly and cute…but they are really exhausting. Those people with grown kids don’t remember how fucking tired they were. They’ve had 20 years to catch up on sleep. 🙂 My daughter is 18, and my favorite years with her started in middle school!! She became the coolest kid… My son is 11 and he’s always got something witty to say.
My 11 year old son is the same 🙂 cracks me up on a daily basis! Love it!
I have to agree whole-heartedly. I just didn’t go in for the whole maternal instinct thing when I had my kids and thus sharing a bed with anywhere from 1-3 evil little minions plus their toys was a boon to my existence. Now that they are 15-18 respectfully it’s great to just sit and talk to them or text with them and I look forward to our conversations because they actually have opinions and ideas. Sure I will miss it when they head off to college or the military or what have you but I am so grateful now that I don’t have to share a bed or wake up at 2, 4 and 7 every single dang morning!
My older 2 are 16 months apart. The oldest would go to bed at 8 and sleep til 5. If I was lucky, I could get the younger to go to sleep at 3 am. That gave me 2 hours a night when I might be able to sleep. They never napped at the same time. I was perpetually exhausted. My husband got home from work one day to find the older crying in the crib, the younger crying in the bassinet, and me crying in the shower. He did his best to comfort me, changed both diapers, and fixed the older a snack while I nursed the younger. Then he turned off the baby monitor and told me to go to bed.
I can honestly say that I have never missed those early years. I hated them. I never knew how hard motherhood was until I had a baby of my own. Everyone hides all the trauma and messiness and tries to make it seem like their lives are perfect. I was tired, fat, aggravated, depressed, and probably a horrible mother. Now that my daughter is 12, I am grateful that she sleeps all night, that she is turning out to be a beautiful, intelligent, and hilarious young woman, that I can have actual conversations with her, that she understands when I leave her room at night that she needs to stay in bed and sleep and let me sleep (and yes, I still lie down with her…but not to fight with her to go to sleep…we talk about her day, tell secrets, exchange hugs and I love yous, and relax together). I don’t miss the sleepless nights where I was so exhausted that I physically wasn’t able to be a good mother. I don’t miss the crying and resulting frustration (mine and hers!). Your words are real and honest, and I wish someone had been so real and honest when I was going through the baby and toddler years.
Yes, thank you for your honesty. Whenever I expressed your sentiments 35 years ago, I really was an outcast. “How dare I say such horrible things about a sweet, innocent baby?” Well, sleep deprivation, 24/7 care, my “OWN” preconceived expectations, and those expectations of others can be a real trap for a mother. If parents, friends, neighbors don’t offer help, ask for others to help you. I know, easier said than done. Especially, whenever we lived 2000 miles away from family and friends. Good luck to ALL of you out there and keep sharing.
Oh God – thank you thank you thank you!! what a wonderfully honest, hilarious, painful post. So so good. just, thank you!
Win. Win. More win. I’m a father of two kids. I’m one of those “stay at home” daddies. I get it. I know those feels. And I’m the guy. I’ve personally witnessed the words pouring out of these peoples mouths toward my wife and others. It’s such a horrible feeling. On one hand, you are exhausted, annoyed, pining for the smallest vacation while loving your children more than anything else in the world and someone, good intentions aside, can’t see past their noses long enough to realize what they are saying hurts more than it helps. On the other hand, you have this terrible urge to grab the nearest blunt object and beat these people with it. You don’t, but not because you don’t want to. You feel stuck between a rock, a hard place in a vise in an elephants asshole. But you know what? It’s all good because in the end, it’s your life. if you are happy with it, as much as it may be extremely tiring at times, that’s all that matters.
Thanks for your comment Joe. Great to meet a stay at home dad. After our first I went back to work after four months and my husband took over as a full time stay at home dad. We have reversed roles with this one and I will go back to work later in the year and he will take over again. I totally agree with everything you’ve said in your comment!
Reblogged this on thelittlewildwoodkitchen and commented:
No food tonight. Actually, there was food. But it was rubbish – two chicken drumsticks and a packet of crisps. This is how I eat sometimes when my partner is out. Its terrible. Its lazy. I was brought up in a crazy Irish home. My mother NEVER cooked for less than 10 people (even if we were 3), we ate leftovers for days. I cannot cook for one! so no yummy recipes today. BUT a really good re-blog of a great post I found about being grateful. #iamgrateful.
OMG. My kids are 3, 2 and 10 months, and I am pregnant with another – trust me – not planned that way, but here I am. I sooooo feel ya. There are things that I will definitely miss about all the ages and stages, but not sleeping will not be one of them. It’s not all wine and roses, and sometimes I feel like I’m not going to make it – or they’re not – but I adore them with all of my heart. I feel AWFUL when I have those “cidal” thoughts – homi or sui. Nice to know I’m not the only one!!!
Wow Debbie, you must be doing an amazing job with three little ones and another on the way! Good on you! I struggle with just my two and one year old! My Mum had seven kids, all two years apart or less, with twins for number 5 and 6 – I honestly don’t know how she did it! Now that we are all older, we are best friends and have the closest / most fun family – we love it! I hope you have some support and people who can lend a hand or who you can talk to. You are definitely not alone (although I’m sure in the middle of the night when they won’t settle, it feels like it!). We all have a breaking point – even when we love our children more than anything. If you are having thoughts of not making it, there are so many people who you can talk to and who can help. I am not sure where you are from, but if in Australia, you can contact PANDA 1300 726 306 (10am – 5pm AEST) or Lifeline 131114. Just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone and there is help if it ever gets too much. Good luck with your beautiful babies, I am sure you are an amazing Mumma, I know your babies think you are, to them, you are their everything!! 🙂 xo
About 6 months ago i made a similar post. It was a picture of my 2 1/2 year old destroying a puzzle i had worked MONTHS on that I intended to hang in her new baby sisters room. In the post i said “Kids are assholes”. What i wanted was fellow moms of toddlers to tell me what their kids had destroyed of theirs and some “hang in there” comments. I did get a few of those, i also got the be greatful and how dare you comments. Most of them from family. This was incredibly hurtful as it made me feel like a horrible mother for having a moment of frustration and seeking others. Yes i should of said kids CAN be assholes, but i said what i said. This post is so reassuring knowing that the same thoughts go through my head and other moms. Thank you so much.
I have 4 boys 16, 12, 4, and 7 months. I love this post. My 7 month old has an ear infection and explosive diarrhea from the antibiotics. That means he’s now comfort nursing 24/7 and shits on me every hour because apparently no diaper can contain him. My 4 year old is in the I hate daddy and want to be around mommy at all times stage. My 12 year old has just entered the whole world is unfair and mom and dad are trying to ruin my life stage. And my 16 year old is in the I know everything, but still don’t want to do anything stage. I love my kids with all my heart, but to be honest I’m grateful I haven’t became a freaking alcoholic yet.
This post is awesome and obviously resonates with so many considering the response!
It’s something that people don’t seem to really think about when they advise one to be grateful regardless of their situation.
With me, I had a Little girl from a previous relationship – it had finally become easier, I could sleep again. I remembered the horrific early years… When I repartnered when she was about 6, my new partner and I decided to have one of our own. It took us a year of trying as I’m no spring chicken anymore – ironically once I finally did fall pregnant he decided he wasn’t “ready” and bailed. All my family live in another country, so I had to go through late pregnancy alone and raising a newborn and a 7 year old alone – I was a total mess inside and out and had trouble with my milk supply so was trying to bf, then express in a dire attempt to improve supply – by the time I did all that it was time to start all over again. I was getting less than two hours sleep per day, and I had days I felt like I just could. Not. Do it.
I had that comment a lot, like “ooh that’s too bad your hubby left like that, but you should be grateful you have these beautiful kids, there arepeople around the world that really want kids but can’t – so be happy”.
Yeah. And people that have some help to clean the poop, do the washing or even be able to eat a hot healthy meal that doesn’t come from a can at 230am because that’s the only moment you get when you’re either not comatose or have these little blessings hanging on your every limb.
I worked as a telephone counsellor for women with pnd and I can assure you – even though we are taught that having a baby is like all balloons and flowers and running through fields holding hands and being so happy your heart can explode – the reality is a lot of it is a grieving process of our prior sense of self being lost and changed and the simplest act of just going out with friends for coffee or even just having a moment to ourselves to be “us” are fleeting and far between..: and of course we are grateful for these kids – but as another respondent posted – rather than telling us to be grateful, offer to lend a hand. Make us a coffee. Hold the baby so we can have a shower for 10 minutes so we can cry it out and not worry the baby is going to strangulate themselves on something weird. Make us dinner. Let us go for a walk.
It takes a village….
Yes…. It takes a village….so true
After reading this I am grateful to you. Sleep deprivation sucks but feeling assholey is worse.
I’m sitting feeding my “little darling” 8 week baby girl feeling sleep deprived after another long night. The sad/good thing is that after the last month this wasn’t too bad on the scale of things. My little one was preterm. Although strong & healthy she has reflux, so trying to get to her to have enough food, keep it down & be able to lay down without pain is a daily struggle. Yes I’m grateful for her but this is really hard! I was lucky enough to have had some intro into parenting when my parents had 2nd families with their new partners, so thankfully I was a little ready for up all hours – I use to get up a few nights a week in my school holidays to give my Mum a break & I’ve done it for friends over the years. I’m lucky that my mum & dad went through the reflux joy with my brother & are really supportive. Neither lives very close but being able to call or email with them really helps. I completely agree with your comments about parents shutting down & not sharing. There needs to be more great posts like this! It also needs to be recognized that when we share we are not trying to compete with each other.
Love lots of the comments as well
Hilarious and true. Been there done that. My older daughter did not sleep well through the night until she was 3 1/2. I will affirm the challenges from now on!
Yeah, no. I don’t miss that AT ALL. Two of my kids are out of the house and we have a great relationship. I love the witty snappy convos we have. That last one at home is 14 and he’s seen some shit, that’s for sure. I do try and help those mamas I see struggling and tell them, just wait until you can play poker with your kids and make sex jokes, it’s gonna be GREAT!
My eldest is 15 and my youngest 8 and things are slightly better (she still creeps in after a nightmare. He, thank god, doesn’t). I bow down to you all who are still doing the baby thing. Bloody amazing you are. Wouldn’t swap for the world. But hang in there. They do grow up and become slightly more independent. In the meantime, I find the odd tequila helps.
Thank you sooo much I hate that my husband was always the bigest offender I always wanted to punch him in the effing nuts like you try being on a pop up trigger when the kid cries. Or being the feeding trough I used to dispise anyone bringing me my daughter and saying looks like shes hungry. But oh your going to miss these close days, ih when my nipples arent sore and cracked no I dont miss that…LOL Thank you Thank you again!
My hubby got upset when I posted on fb about my mastitis and asked for advice from other mums (at 3am mind you)…. I did that before I asked his advice (he’s a medico), and he was upset… Didn’t understand that I didn’t feel he would give me helpful advice… He has been sleeping in a separate bed for 5mnths, as he can’t sleep with all the baby / toddler wakings, so I felt ‘closer’ to Facebook mums than him at that time. I fed him Thai takeaway the other night, an myself a big glass of wine. I’m breast feeding. Bub had to put up with formula or nothing that night – despite fact he doesn’t like it! I needed wine more than he needed milk for one feed…!!!
I remember when my boys were 2 and 5 years old. People would ask me if I was planning to have more. I usually responded with something like — No way, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am running towards it! I love both of my boys (who are now 11 and 14), but those early years were so mind-numbingly exhausting. I remember tripping every time I tried to walk just because I couldn’t get my feet far enough off of the ground. Once they start letting you sleep, your whole world will change – and that’s something to be “grateful” about! Until then, keep on venting. As everyone else’s responses have no doubt shown you, there are so many of us who truly do get it.
Thanks. Great post. I have a 2yr old and a just-turned-4yr old. Everyday I ask myself “how I could be more grateful / appreciate these days / my kids, more, or better?” -As a kind-of response to the constant comments that “I should be grateful”, and that “it’ll all be over too soon”, & that “they grow up so fast”, etc.
Every day for 4years I’ve asked myself the same question, and drawn a blank. I got nothing.
I absolutely make the most of my time with the kids. I take way-too-many photos, write down funny thing they say and do, and connect with them when we are together. I’m no different to any other parent.
Am I missing something?
How on earth CAN I be more grateful?
So true! Really that’s exactly it! I’m so bewildered by the grateful comments because I think – really? A minor gripe makes you think I’m ungrateful? In the face of every other comment I make about how much I love being a mum (because I totally do!)? It’s so bizarre. Thanks so much for your comment. It’s so spot on.
As a mother of a 19 year old and a 3 year old I can see both sides just yesterday I was driving to work to work a double Im a single mom and I hate leaving my 3 year old for more than 8 hours and today it would be 16 hours anyway I was thinking about my oldest and how I had all these plans for us how I wanted to take a family vacation just me and him how many times I had promised myself that we would make it up the mountain to play in the snow how we would basically do alot of fun things together and how most of those things we never had the chance to do because I was always working or if I had free time I usually wanted to just sleep or watch a movie I was always so tired where did the time go if I asked him now if he wanted to go play in the snow or even just go anywhere with me he would probably laugh or he couldn’t because he has 2 jobs and goes to school full time and has a girlfriend now he is to busy for me and I missed out on having fun with him when he was little I was busy trying to make sure he had clothes on his back and food in his tummy now I wish I would’ve stopped for a min to take that vacation or plan something for just us.. Don’t get me wrong I played with him and held him and was a great mom I just had no idea that next year would turn into 19 years later! On the other hand as a mommy of a three year old I feel your pain I worked a double yesterday and when I got home I wanted nothing more than to just take a shower and go to sleep instead as soon as I got home at 5 am my 3 year old woke up with gas pains and wanted me to hold him till 7 am and at first I missed him so much through the day that I was happy to just lay in bed and snuggle but after an hour of having him on my chest rocking him over and over and being kicked and elbowed I totally feel you I completely understand I’m grateful for my boys yes and I’m still hopeful that I can take both of them on a family vacation and spend fun time instead of just trying to make it through the day!! #grateful
I think you’re amazing x
OMG some one who understands!!!!
Thank you! Yes!!
Reblogged this on momMEmusings and commented:
this. that’s about all that needs to be said. this.
Oooh dude, I get it. Mine are growing up. And I won’t tell you to be grateful, because not for one second do I think you’re not. But I will tell you this. Someday you will remember the snuggle more than you’ll remember the little pain in the ass that just pissed down your cleavage while you were changing his diaper (okay, I didn’t forget that one), but I digress. You’ll looooong for this, with all of your being. You will wish you hadn’t been as annoyed. And I, with my 20 year old (I still have a small pain in the ass 5 year old too though) wish I could go back and squish said 20 year old up again. I wish I’d have just said EFF YOU to all the pressure to do all the housekeeping and whatever else it was that took me away from her, like, ever. And god dammit, they’re assholes, they always are, but they’re your little assholes and I’d be a jerk if I didn’t tell you to soak this time up, momma, because for me, it’s slipping away.
Thank you! This totally hits the nail on the head! The way I feel almost daily!!! Thanks again for the honest post!
Yes. This. Those who make the comments don’t think we moms have any right to vent or complain about our dear little ones. Maybe, venting on Facebook, Twitter, or on a blog is our way of letting off some steam or maybe enjoying a little feedback from our friends. Try being stuck in the house all day with three little ones who won’t nap and are screaming for snacks all of the time.
How on earth did my mum do it?! She had 3 kids under 5 and was on the other side of the world from her mum (Canada, Australia – can’t get much further!). I don’t remember her shouting – ever! I shout ALL THE TIME! My 2yr old pushes my buttons something chronic! Especially when he’s trying to smother my 5mnth old. As for gratefulness – I feel like it’s been helping this week (when my temper flares) to remind myself that he could be taken away in the blink of an eye. I watch too much news, and have too many medical friends, and I find that -even if it’s a bit morbid – at least reminding myself that I would hate for the last words I say to my little one to be shouted / swearing (I admit, I do still swear in front of him sometimes, but getting better – since he’s started mimicking at least!)!!
OMG yes!!!
ooops, i forgot to say… BE GRATEFUL THEY AREN’T TWINS….
just kidding!!! I have twins!!!! But seriously. i hate when people tell you to be grateful. First of all. i AM grateful. because my twins were born weighing little more than 2 1/2 pounds each. I am GRATEFUL that they are ALIVE. I really am! it took many losses to get us here. All i ever wanted was to be a mom! and i am grateful. They are the best kids ever and they ARE awesome, and they ARE delicious… but not so much at 3am! they are not delish when they forget their homework project at school. they are not delish when they are yelling, breaking thngs, throwing things int he house after JUST being told to stop… NOT when they are elbowing me while trying to squeeze into my bed…. oh how i love my bed, and i PREFER it childless in the bed…. they are not so awesome and wonderful when yet again they are saying “i can’t sleep!” at 10 pm. well of COURSE you can’t sleep, you are SITTING UP in bed yelling out to ME, who is determined to ignore you until you slip into a coma… or at least a short term coma, say for 10 hours.
yet, there she is… my auntie or my neighbour or some well meaning poster, commenting on my funny but not so funny post with a “be grateful”. makes me want to get up, get dressed and run, walk or drive over to her house and poke her in the eye with my pencil, or a finger. or somthing. maybe just bonk her really hard in the head with my pillow. God knows i never get to use it anymore… ok, maybe i am just angry because i got 3 hours sleep…
someone asked me “when do they start sleeping through the night?” i said NEVER, that is just a cruel joke we tell expecting moms… if they DO, ever…. it hasn’t happened yet, in our 9 years of parenting. 🙁
but… i AM grateful. just not for the lack of sleep. MORE COFFEE PLEASE. slurp… thats better.
I think I love you. This is the best article I’ve read about the early stages of parenting. My daughters were born 14 months apart and every sleep deprived moment (there were so many) there was someone telling me to be grateful. And I always had an internal “Fuck you” monologue. This is written so well, and I’m right there with you. Now with my kids at 10 and 11 years, I still have non grateful moments. And I love that I’m not alone.
Hi. Thank you for this moment and let me tell you that everything you wrote is true. (Sorry for any bad writing but im portuguese) my youngest doughter is now almost 5 and still doesnt Sleep one full night. Its now better thank she was of course but i sufferd like hell with her. How i understand !!! Good luck to you.
totally agree with what u all say this over zealot idea people have of saying every second of what ever your going through with your children should be enjoyed or be grateful statements is so unrealistic its bizarre . People pretending every minute of parenting is great is either on drugs or should be.Only difference today is u have a social media to share those thoughts and feelings where as us oldies usually expressed those same things to friends and family so u didn’t have the public knowing how u felt therefore social media opens your life up to zealots and people who pretend to think they know everything or how u should feel most of those people have either no children or have forgotten how hard it was or maybe they were really lucky and didn’t have as many exhausting nights etc all my kids were bottle feed and none of them were deprived of any bonding or had any health issues so i do feel there is also pressure today on breast feeding making u feel like your a bad mom for not doing its a choice thing not a good or bad parenting thing, i could have time out from my babies i could give my babies to someone else to feed while i had a shower or used the toilet or had something decent to eat don’t get me wrong that does not mean i never fed them or played with them or bonded with them but i was human and needed to be able to function as well ,personaly for me it actually made life a little easier for me and my husband ,family members, older siblings got the opportunity to spend time with the baby so don’t be afraid to pass the baby to someone else .I can say this…i have enjoyed my grand children more because i get to walk away and they go home i get to hand them back its a huge job raising children we pay lip service to it saying its the hardest job in the world yet at the same time tearing moms down for not fitting our own idealistic individual views.
You hit the nail on the head there, we say we are fine and we try to cope even when we are struggling. No one ever say’s it’s tough but it will get easier or your doing a great job all mum’s get over tired and stressed comes with the job.
We are told to be grateful for what we have,I have 3 wonderful children and I am very lucky, but 2 and a half yrs ago I told the school nurse I was tired and not feeling well she said respite, I was convinced by a few this was going to help me so I let it happen.
Worse thing I ever did because they never gave them back.
It’s ok not to worship being a mum all day every day.
And we know it’s ok not to have all the answers it about learning and growing together
I wish every “be grateful” would read this. Very well put!
I won’t be a turd. This is f awesome. And mine are grown up. Still can’t say I am grateful. Well I am, really. And I do want to say that a moment ago, my daughter was calling me a tired little monkey at 6 pm on a cold winter night as she was displaying cartwheels for my viewing pleasure after navigating the traffic post a 10 hour day at work. And when my way beyond tuck in years boy asked for a tuck in. Now, though, I do a dance when they arrive back into my lives with a bang. just like that. Am I grateful yet? Naaah. Just joyous.
Seriously, thank you, you wrote what I’ve been thinking EVERY TIME I get told that ‘it will all go so fast’, ‘they’re only small for a short time’, and my FAVOURITES – ‘you’ll look back on it and miss the sleepless nights and tantrums’ and ‘little people, little problems’. Seriously?!?!?!? Way to discredit someone who had the courage to say this is hard – I can both love these little ferrets AND want to run away at the same time. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it just shows how others have forgotten what it’s like. You hit so many nails on the head I can’t even count them. Thanks and good luck x
I’m one of those late 50’s moms with boys in their 20’s and I would say if you have times when you are passionately in love with them and times when you want to sell them in a garage sale then congrats. You’re doing it right. Gratitude isn’t expressed by saying they are precious gifts. You express it in the rawest form when you are exhausted and crying and miserable and you are caring for them and cleaning and feeding them anyway while getting literally shit on in return. There can be no greater illustration to show that you fully appreciate the responsibility placed on you and you don’t treat it lightly. Sounds like real gratitude to me. Oh and by the way when we say we wish we had that time back again we mean for the afternoon… Not for night after night with no end in sight!
Thank you Debbie. What a beautiful way of looking at it. Just lovely. Your comment is very comforting!
oh Wow someone who lives in my world!! so glad I read this, the photo above could be a picture of my life.. I have a 12 year old plus a nearly three year old and a five month old. I honestly cant remember the last time I slept through the night, probably before my eldest was born! My toddler has been in our bed since the start- I dont know how can such a small person take up soooo much space! I get crammed in between a toddler and a baby, my husband is miles away on the far side of the bed…. Oh to have some space to myself! Although I am usually too exhausted to care after working at night photo editing. Just to have my head on the pillow and the hot little bodies beside me still and not needing anything for half an hour or so is bliss. I totally know what you are saying about being greatful- if you loved them any more you would burst, but at the same time if you could just have 2 minutes to yourself on the toilet with the door shut in peace and quiet, that would feel like heaven!
And yet at the same time I am so mindful of what your older sticky beak mothers are saying… it goes- it really does go so fast. I remember when my eldest was a baby, I was running a business on my own, I chucked that in to be a fulltime solo mother, and as much as I loved him, he was my whole world, but I did kinda wish his baby days away.. “I cant wait til he can walk” “cant wait til he can feed himself” “cant wait til he can support me in the resthome” lol. And his childhood just went by so fast. That gives me a bit of a lump in my throat when I read the comment by the woman above with the 19 year old and the three year old… always waiting for the moment in the future when you can spend those special moments with your son…
Time, time, time- it just gets away on you. We all wanna be the perfect, fun mum… we are all over tired, over worked and under paid… we all wanna give our kids the best, do cool stuff with them and have time just to play and hang out… Maybe it would have been more constructive for those bitch faced mothers to say- ” Hey its okay Im not gonna give you a hard time cause I know its fuckin hard work being a mum and youre doing a great job, so just hang in there sister! And if I could do it all again, the shitty nappies, the sleep deprivation, the tag team crying, the wearing my hair in a bun for a week cause I just dont have time to brush it and I cant afford to go to the hairdresser cause I have to spend my last $10 on nappies, and all the rest, Yep I would do it all again because those were the best days of my life and just to have those sticky little hands on my face and those big ole eyes lookin at me and saying the word mama, somehow just makes it all worth it.”
The thing is Im kind of in the middle of both camps. Im going through the baby years for the second time and Ive got another child hitting the teen years. So I know where youre at and at the same time Im thinking dont be offended by these other mums. I think maybe its more a case of they see themselves in you and know what its like- maybe they are a bit nostalgic like me also that those days are over and they’ll never have them again. Telling you to be grateful is kinda more a side note to themselves maybe that they wish they had relished those moments a bit more… Well thats my way of looking at it..
But in the midst of the storm all a mum really wants to hear is ” Hey hun, here you take this coffee/wine/chocolate/cheesecake and go lie down/ watch some mindless garbage, I’ll watch the kids, tidy up and cook dinner” 🙂
LOVE it Be!! Agree with everything you have said here!! 🙂
This is awesome and so so true !!! As a parent you can have good days, bad days, and bat shit crazy days !!!! But you are always grateful for the little buggers, Keep up the good work ??
My girls are 10 and 14. I love this stage. They clean their own bathroom (after I threaten/bribe them), like the same movies I do, don’t like boys yet, and mostly sleep through the night. I don’t miss the baby/toddler stage AT ALL. So my advice is do the best you can and it will be better in (fill in the blank) years! Good luck!
OMG I love you! You my dear fucking rock!
I’m a new grandma, and watching my daughter do this brings it all back. It sucked. And it was wonderful. And it sucked. And watching her go through it just makes me smile all of the time, lol.
My kids are 5 and almost 3. Like little ninjas, they creep into my bed in the middle of the night. So frustrating! Don’t tell me I’ll miss it! I won’t! I want my bed back!
A-fucking-men!
I am SO relieved to be out of that stage! I have an 8 year old (with Aspergers), a 6 year old (with something we haven’t quite worked out yet), a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I felt like I didn’t sleep for 5 long long years. Now that the youngest is 3 and I generally get 8 hours of sleep a night (sometimes by going to bed at 8!) I can honestly say that I am enjoying motherhood so much more. There is a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a torture method and that’s because it sucks. xx
My friend’s parents once told her that children were made cute so we didn’t kill them before they grew up. Now that I have my own, 8 & 5, I totally get it!
Pingback: What’s in your head? | sixcupsfull
This is f’ing GREAT! I have three 7 and under….and I want my bed back. I don’t care how many people tell me to embrace it! FUCK THAT. I am tired all the time, have a full time career and yes, I LOVE my kids more than life itself. But I also love sleep. And without sleep, I am mean. Plain mean. Mean to my husband, mean to my kids, mean to the world. Period. Nice mommy = happy home. Great piece and I wholeheartedly support this!
This was one truly awesome read. My two, 8 and 5, are usually good out n about. However at home I feel like the wicked witch f the frinkin east. If one isn’t acting like a buffoon the other one is and then there are tears and usually by the time school is out, homework done and supper eaten, I am a blubbering mess. My hubby thinks I am all sorts of crazy (I am most days but don’t tell him) because I stay at home, not by choice to take care of the youngest and handle the household chores. Everyone else sees a different side of the monkeys, and though I wouldn’t have it any other way, once they go to bed, I often wish I could have a glass of wine with that! I am grateful they sleep soundly through the night and know not to wake the stubborn witch up before it is time to get ready for school, but I won’t wish them to grow up too fast. Thanks for the article.
I have 3 year old twins. I am so fucking tired. I have been for 3 years. I am also 41 years old. Whose bright idea was this to have twins at 39?
They came after 4 failed IVF attempts. So, yes, I am grateful. I am also so…fucking…tired. And overwhelmed. And under qualified.
Keep on truckin’, y’all.
Cluster feeding…aaaaaaaaaarrrrghhhhh…..NO ONE tells you about that till you’re in it. You’re a star don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise
Thank you for this. I have two kids, daughter is 16 and son is 2.5. Maybe it’s that I was so young or maybe it’s that it’s been so long that I’ve blocked out all but the nicer memories of my daughter being a toddler but I swear she was easier. She slept 12 hours straight a night, my son on the other hand doesn’t sleep… Ever.
we co-slept until he was two then moved him into a toddler bed in his own room. But he still wakes multiple times a night wanting me. In hopes of some day getting more than four hours a night sleep I’ve layed a bed roll on his floor for myself which sucks. My husband stretches out happily snoring on our new mattress in the room next to me while I sleep on the fucking floor every night.
I’m home doing house chores during the day, I work nights, and I can’t remember the last time I got more than 5 hours sleep. I live in a house with a mess making two year old boy, a teenage girl with a special kind of attitude reserved just for me, and a husband who’s grieving the loss of a parent and has been in the angry/depressed stage of grief for a half a year. I’m exhausted, and lonely, and struggling to stay strong. I doubt myself daily and feel guilt for taking a minute to myself to cry in the bathroom.
When I post to Facebook “two hours sleep last night = I’m the walking dead” it’s because I’m reaching out, it’s because I’m sick of being awesome and I just want one friend to comment that I’m not alone. The last thing I want or need is people telling me to “cherish these moments cuz they’re only little once”. I do cherish moments, I am grateful. As much as I wish for a day away I love my family wildly. Wanting one night sleep does not make me ungrateful, it makes me human.
My mother once became thoroughly ticked off because she was caring for four of us (the steps), our father was in hospital in a distant city six months of the year, and she was running a farm alone. When Dad did show up, Mom drove to the rez for a family wedding for one week–seven whole days and seven whole nights. At least that was the plan. She was back in 36 hours!
This is freakin’ awesome! I have 6 monkeys/monsters and every day is challenging but I love them beyond belief. Love your ability to keep shit real. I <3 you and I haven't read any of your other posts. You go girl!
I love this! I’ve been a single parent since my son was 6 months old. I don’t have any family support, and my son’s dad is out of the picture 99% of the time (he’s always around just in time for holidays only). Anyway, my son will be 6 in a couple months, and as much as I adore and appreciate him, sometimes I just need some time alone. It’s rare when it happens (like once or twice a year) and when proclaim on fb that I’m kiddo free for the rare weekend, I inevitably get someone reminding me how important .y time withy son should be. Or to appreciate the time I have with him.. I want to punch these people. They have no clue! My life has become my son. 360 days a year it’s all about him. When I have the rare moment to be alone and sleep in my own bed without getting kicked in the stomach, fuck yes I’m going to be happy about it. (Even though, sometimes, I don’t know what to do with myself if he’s not here).
So just thank you. For being the real voice omom’s out there.
I have two children roughly the same age as yours and I feel your pain.
Love it!!! Another comment I loathe is “Wait till you have (x+1) kids!” I know it’s harder having 2…3…4+ kids but don’t make it sound like my life is a piece ok cake compared to yours.
OMG this. just this. this. is so right, I can’t even type! Flash back to being just out of hospital with no. 1, outside woollies with Bub and my awesome husband (who was about to spend the next couple of months struggling to understand what the heck was going on with his, I later realised, PND wife), struggling every minute of every day not to cry and some random old lady coming up to me and saying “savour every moment because they grow up so fast :)” (seriously I’m sure she did a smiley face) and me just wanting to throat punch her, while simultaneously thinking “oh please God, let that be true that this goes fast ’cause I just want it to be fucking over!’. Fortunately there are others out there who are like you, spreading the good news of reality. Not five minutes later we ran into an acquaintance of my husband’s, she took one look at me at said three words “it gets better”. Of course then I cried.
Mom of 2 and 4 Step-children who are all adults now. Im 41 (young and stupid I was) and now waiting for my 10th grandchild to arrive. Love them all and feel their pain 😀 I have never once lied to my kids about the interesting fun (<===sarcasm) crap they put their parents through. The stories are fun to tell now but they all know how not funny it was when each of them put us through whatever. Sleep deprived hell, no room to sleep in your own bed, potty training hell (my youngest), stuffing the cat in the gerbil cage with the gerbil still in it(a middle child), health problems for a few…sleeping in a chair with my hand in an oxygen tent so my child could sleep. Whatever one kid missed another one would take up the challenge. Yet when I think there is nothing left to surprise me….bahahaha
Raising little people is one of the hardest most exhausting things in the world and anyone who tells you how easy life is when their adults….meh…..now they have their own struggles and seek advice. The last thing I will ever say to any of my Children is be grateful….I'm the Mom who nods her head and says "I hear ya" and pours the coffee. I might be smiling inside a wee bit as "what comes around go's around." However I remember those struggles all to well. I'm the one who is grateful…..I'm grateful to offer a helping hand when one of my kids really need one. This blog is amazing and honest. I'm going to share it with my 4 girls and 2 daughter in-laws.
Thank-you for taking the time to share 😀
I like you. You tell it like it is. And yes, wouldn’t it be just great if people would stop with the “be grateful” s**t .
I’m the mother of fairly big kids, so I’ve moved on from the sleep deprivation stage. However, my three lovelies still do crazy, frustrating, exhausting things, and sometimes I post about these things on Facebook, partly to get myself to laugh at it, partly to make my friends laugh (hey, someone may as well get a little bit of joy out of my despair).
I STILL get the Grateful Gang weighing in, and I’d never quite articulated why it bugged me quite so much – you’ve got it so spot on. Thank you.
I sympathise, willemina
I’m currently writing this one handed, not from cluster feeding, but because my two year old wants to be close to me, resulting in some sort of slumped tortoise shell attached to my back (and slowly crushing me) I love this post, it totally sums up how I felt when people said I’d miss it.. I f’ing won’t! It’s hard, really hard, especially hard when they won’t sleep! I think everyone who told me I’d miss it has had children that actually slept.. or have had their memories wiped. I constantly remind my friends if they say I make it look easy that no, it isn’t easy, not to scare them but to tell them that if they don’t find it easy, then that’s ok! Yes I love her and am grateful, and yes I would like another.. but it doesn’t mean I find it a breeze. But anyway.. it is hard sometimes, and yes it is ok to find it hard, cry a little and then hand them over to someone for an hour to sleep!
I love my son beyond all reason.
Every parent has times like this. The problems you talk about go away but others rise. Be grateful. Yes I am grateful. I love my son beyond all reason but he also was and still is the most selfish human being I know. Such is life. I still love him.
I was once berated by a student who had just had a child when I answered no to the question “are you breastfeeding?” Having very sleep for months, I was tempted to answer sarcastically, “no I am not. I am the father do you see any breasts here?” I stopped myself and just answered no with the intention of continuing my sentence to explain that my wife had no milk. She didn’t let me get that part out. I was really annoyed. I should have failed that jerk.
After my son was born all our non parent friends kept calling us saying things like “Hey. We are all going to such and such restaurant for dinner in 30 mins. We’d love to see you.” Then they sounded disappointed when we had to turn them down. They just couldn’t get that you can’t leave the house to go to a restaurant with a one month old with 30 mins notice. Its a major expedition to go anywhere. Finally they just stop calling us.
Such is life. I still love my son beyond all reason.
Pingback: Who is the most gratefullest evah? | Jiggery-pokery's Soup of the Day
Oh my goodness yes! All the things I’ve been thinking and feeling put into words! Exactly this!! When we all have to run around acting like everything is perfect it gives other new moms the impression that they are failing. That they are doing it wrong. Our children are allowed to be a blessing AND a trail at the same time. It’s ok NOT to relish never sleeping and getting puked on! THANK-YOU!
So agree. I also hate the return comments of “oh you think that’s bad, wait until they are 13.” Yes, I know, there is always something bad or worse but for fucks sake, can I not just state that having a three year old makes me want to throw myself out of the 2nd story window on a weekly basis? Seriously…
The other day I finally thought of what the equivalent would be. If someone who has had the great fortune of living and having kids and grandkids says something about a body ache or something like that, it would be like telling them, “Don’t complain about your knee. You are so lucky to be playing on the floor with your grandchildren.” Or, just, in general, telling anyone of advanced age that each time they complain about the hard parts of being older that they should just be grateful they’ve lived long enough to have those pains.
That is so direct, I love it. I too am sleep-deprived and have sore boobs (from feet and elbows, not feeding) and am bored of older women who have forgotten how bad it was. Just keep writing about it all – and entertaining the rest of us! Reality at last, good luck x
Seeing that photo with that caption would have just made me laugh. ‘Cause I get it. Solidarity, sister!
I am one of the retired moms with kids in their 30s. I hope I haven’t made the mistake of spouting off about being grateful, but it could have happened. Not to you…but maybe to someone else. Your post is a cautionary tale for me. Here is a little crumb of perspective from an “old girl”. Maybe people saying that unhelpful phrase are really wishing they had been more grateful. Maybe it’s amnesia, but also maybe it’s tinged with regret. Maybe they need chocolate, too. Maybe. If we are all just doing the best we can, which is never, never perfect, we have to cut each other slack. Well, we don’t actually have to, as we have all discovered to our discomfort. It is fun to imagine how it would be if everyone did, though.
I do hear you Judy & based on what you have written I can tell that your heart is in the right place. I just truly feel that you are missing the entire point of this post & if you do, then it’s not terribly helpful in changing things.
At those times where I would post, I’m worrying about how much I stink & whether i really need to shower or if I can skip it again to squeeze in a nap instead. 😉 It’s not that struggling moms won’t cut slack, it’s that they there is no slack left when you are stretched that thin… You are in effect asking the person, who is saying “Hey I am struggling” to receive what feels like scolding & rather than shutting down, instead then become the giver in that scenario.
You may not realize, but it feels to me condescending when you say “we don’t actually have to, as we have all discovered to our discomfort” It’s not that I won’t…it’s that I literally can’t…can’t, not in the midst of my own reaching out being dismissed as a “perspective” problem rather than a sleep deprivation problem….and I am truly, absolutely, sleep deprived…and hormonal, and busier than all get out.
If older mothers have regrets…they are free to post about it themselves & then they should be able to expect love & support, not comments like “at least you grew up in a era when you could have a few drinks with friends, pile the kids in the back of the car & drive home without fear of car seat laws, duis or anything we do today”. You don’t get to use your issues to not be supportive to others & I don’t get to use mine to not be supportive. Again, I think your heart is in the right place, but I think you are missing the point of the whole deal. If you can’t say, hang in there, just say NOTHING. It’s easy.
Someone close to me struggled with infertility. When I had my 3rd loss I was absolutely devastated. She actually posted “At least you got to be pregnant. That is such a blessing & more than I’ll ever even have”. Ummm no. She doesn’t get to take my pain & make it a way to garner sympathy for herself. She is free to talk about the struggle of infertility & her own pain in her own sharings. My heart ached for her as well…but don’t, while I am at home in bed cramping & bleeding & broken, with the covers over my head, tell me how lucky I am or that you want a miscarriage because it’s so great. It is NOT helpful & it shouldn’t elicit sympathy from me, even if she has struggles as well. If she couldn’t offer sympathy, then shut up. You are not required to say a thing. It is important to know when you have the right to make a statement & when you do not. If someone is struggling, telling them how they SHOULD feel is never ever ever smart…ever. No matter the struggle. I had someone else close to me at that time devastated that her child came out at birth the other gender than she was told. I could not summon any true sympathy when she got a healthy baby, but even in my own pain & ache I KNEW it was a jerk thing to dismiss her feelings. I chose to say nothing *because* I loved her. She of course was happy & loved the baby. It doesn’t change that she was not at all prepared for the gender in the nursery, clothing, etc. I had no reason to doubt she was going to love that child & suggesting that she should be happy or grateful is just dismissive when it wasn’t necessary or warranted.
It’s not that I don’t think of others. It is the opposite. It is that as a mom with small kids, a husband, a to do list 5 miles long, I so SELDOM think of myself & actually share it, that when I do, I need NOT to be basically scolded that I am not permitted to ever express that I might be a little dissatisfied with anything, nor can I share that I am happy to hold on to some part of my pre-motherhood self. No one can be happy with anything all the time. It is impossible. It is unrealistic & it is totally unhelpful to make anyone feel bad for just needing to say something once in a while about how hard they are trying, whether it is motherhood, getting a degree, .trying to work on their marriage, you name it. You can explain all day why people say stupid things. People need to know that what they are saying is stupid & just take ownership to stop saying it. That is the point here. You have now been made aware of how it feels to hear it, so just.don’t.say.it. I have zero energy to try to garner empathy for those that say the stupid things….I’m lucky I’m coherent half the time between 2 teething kids and one with growing pains. I’m not a jerk, I’m just zapped.
I am a mother of 4 awesome little shits. Love them to death and greatful for all of the amazing parts of my life. I have told people on numerous occasions, that before you have kids and you hear a story on the news about the woman that murdered her kids and herself you think what a terrible person. After you have kids you can see how she got there if she didn’t have anyone to talk to about the hard shit. With all the “perfect” parents and their “perfect” kids that you see out and about and talk to at play groups and school, and comments about how you are going to miss this when they are grown. It is easy to see how someone can go crazy and beat themselves up to the point of insanity. So I am greatful for not only my wonderful kids but for my support system that I can bitch to, for my husband who is there to give me a bit of a break when I need it and to people like you that tell the rest of the world it is ok to love your kids and bitch about them at the same time.
Good luck getting some sleep tonight, and good luck doing it all over again tomorrow.
I love this so much! You are pretty much my hero!
Go you! I love my boys too, but i know what’s wrong with wanting your own space? My eldest is 12, has autism and has only ever slept about 5 nights, in his whole life in his own bed. I’m just like “enough now”! Hugs xx
Woohoo! The looks I get sometimes make me feel the same. I have 4 girls aged 11,7,2 and 1. You always get some do holder asshole who decides to approach your screaming toddler and try to placate them! What happens oh yeah they go from bratty to fucking inconsolable in seconds cos some weird ass idiot decides you obviously don’t know what you are doing or you have so many kids you can’t handle it!!! No not at all. Toddlers scream and the next asshole that says or does something to undermine my parenting skills better know how to run fucking quick!!!!!
Well I for one am grateful for this type of honesty, because it gives me a clear picture of how my life should change if I ever have kids. It’s a big decision that one shouldn’t make without knowing all of the realities. So I appreciate parents who don’t hide what it’s really like.
The only way i explain it to the childless is…they steal all your money, every free space in your home, your free time, your sleep, much of your sex life, your privacy, your sanity, some of your sense of identity AND your heart & somehow it feels like you still got a bargain most of the time. 😉 Truly. It is darned hard…very very hard, but there is something intangible & lovely I never have the words for that is there as well, completely & overwhelmingly. It is never easy, it is always worth it. 😉 Then you have those days….LOLOLOLOLOL
Pingback: Bästa blogginlägget! - Mammaliv i Nashville
It’s FUCKING HARD!!! And it’s fucking awesome, but really, really, really fucking hard! Speak it out my friend, let it go out of your system. You deserve a whole chocolate mousse cake every fucking week to survive these times!!! No guilt on that!!! Keep it up sister, keep it up!!!
I smiled at all of your post, wish more people would say it like it is, who are any of us to make comments about being grateful, of course we are grateful, but lack of sleep is a sod and we all need to have a moan every now and then surely. Our youngest of 6 children didn’t sleep through the night until she went to school and I was like a zombie for most of that time, still grateful ? but still flippin shattered!
Wishing you all the very best xx
Pingback: Just lovely | bigonbusy
Pingback: One Lovely Blog | Silver Lining Mama
Brilliant! You go girl (Love from sunny Los Angeles). PS You know what I am grateful for? My nanny! Because I can enjoy the rascals a lot more than all that labor of love one does without a paid extra set of hands and the freedom to sit outside under a palm tree on a bad day. Does that make me a bad mother? Sorry not sorry. I am OBSESSED with my kids, I pick up my preschooler every day and savor the fact that he runs into my arms. Most weekends (not all), I can truly truly commit, soak in all 48 hours of constant holding my 8-month old, and during the week, I put her to bed every single night without resentment. I once had my mom’s best friend say, “Do your job!” with reference to having a nanny 5 afternoons a week. You know what I say. I am. And better at it because of the help. Hashtag Don’t be jealous. #Iamgrateful, but Motherhood is flippin hard. …I also was once told, these are the maintenance years. You are sacrificing for your family. They will go to school 5 days a week from 7-3 and you will have your day back. It will happen. So hang tight. I applaud your fantastic article. x
my husband and I have 3 great kids, teenagers now. at the time though 3 under 4. We didn’t sleep in the same bed for about 8 years. So I feel ya sister.
My kids are 24 and 21. I am a psychologist and I have patients whose kids are babies and they tell me I’m the only one who ever tells them the truth. Compared to just about any other life experience, save cancer, maybe plague or war, parenting babies and toddlers is fucking brutal. It is physically and mentally exhausting and relentless. I promise it will get better. I loved the teens by comparison. And the twenties? My kids are the best people I know! Hang in there, it will be worth it! If it doesn’t kill you…
Goodness…this made me laugh because the situation is my life…and I can laugh about it. BUT…and a big ass but, if I hear one more non-parent/retired parent tell me how easy it is to be a parent and how they would do things/did things, I might truly step out of my body to watch what it does/says to that person.
Thankyou from a mom of 5 who hasnt slept in 2 years thankyou
Can you block some people from responding on fb? I know that you can block some people from your feed but keep them as “friends”. I can only have supportive people as friends on fb now. I don’t have time or energy for the other crap.
My guy is 5.5 and the only thing that I really miss from babyhood was babywearing with him and sniffing his sweet noggin. Nobody is grateful for the poop, the pee, the puke, the snot, the coughing and sneezing right into your frickin mouth and nobody, nobody misses the loss of sleep. If she says she does, she’s deluded. I’d want to challenge that person to tell a true story in which she liked losing sleep for nights on end. Perhaps the more polite way to deal with it would be to start a fb post with: “Seeking some support….” Or maybe tag the person and say, “Allow me to be honest in the moment.” Nothing shuts up well-meaning busybodies faster than honestly confronting them.
Sending you some virtual chocolate…
All I have to say is “I hear ya!”
Yip. I’m sooo impressed you are even able to find time to facebook or blog or tweet. If I’m awake my kids are all over me, if they give me a second I’m doing dishes or preparing their fucking dinner that they don’t even want, but if I didn’t make them anything I’d get the “Muuaam I’m huuungrryy” song! When I’m asleep, its only after spending all my last energy trying to get them to sleep, then I sleep deep. I love my boys, and it is hard work…. And generally its the older generations that make you feel like your failing. So thanks, and you’re doing a great job!
One day you get to revenge on them by giving their kids ( your grandkids) chocolate, no nap, and a puppy…then returning them home with a fake smile of obliviousness to the havoc you have wrought. Kids are scary little dictators whom we love too much to overthrow. Don’t worry, some parents get it, even if some do not. My daughter is 14, and I still remember that she was sometimes a complete pain in the ass. I love her, but she was a pain in the ass.
I miss mine being little. I dont miss not sleeping. I dont miss being tired. I dont miss poopy diapers. Would I do it all over again? Yes…just exactly like I did the first time.
SO TRUE!!! I feel blessed to have been able to give birth to seven beautiful, healthy children (even those who were not planned). When my husband passed away, I had to learn to do it all on my own. I struggle now more than ever, and I know I’m not perfect, but I do my best, and some people make me feel like I’m incapable of succeeding as a single parent. I feel like now, more than ever, I have to watch what I say and make sure not to post pictures of my children when my house is not in perfect order or I will be made to feel like I can’t handle parenthood on my own. Heaven forbid, my children have toys on the floor. I may sometimes go to bed telling myself “You’ll do better tomorrow,” but that’s also followed by, “but you did your best.” Thank you for this!! #IAmGrateful
Your post breaks my heart that rather than feeling embraced, supported & uplifted, you feel scrutinized. Huge hugs to you momma & high fives. I know it has to be a steep hill every day & I am so proud of your for putting on your climbing gear every day. Much love to you!!!
Thank you so much for this post! You are so dead-on right. Not to pat myself on the back, but when someone has a newborn, I try to congratulate them, but then check in from time to time and say something like, “How’s mama doing? Parenting is kind of a roller coaster of emotions, isn’t it!” Kind of give them permission to admit that it’s a struggle at times (lots of times), no matter how worth it you know it is. Because when you’re sleep-deprived and covered in whatever goo came out of your beloved child, the last thing you need to hear is, “Enjoy every moment! It goes so fast!”
I am in the generation that has grown kids. My kid is 24, and of course I miss her because she lives in a different city. But I remember those days – that child did not sleep through the night EVER until she was 2 yrs old.. She is an only child – by choice! lol! She has always been amazing and joyous and we loved her beyond reason, but the exhausion of never sleeping seemed endless. It makes you feel on the edge of insanity you are so tired! And don’t you just LOVE everyone’s advise? Like we haven’t tried everything, and read everything to no avail. It didn’t work and of course to our sleep addled minds the givers of advise were not there to help but to criticise and we must suck at parenting! Gratefully, the phase passes, and suddenly you have the opposite problem of not being able to get your kids out of bed to get the family to where they are supposed to be, and are always running late. But a sobering meaning to the “be grateful” for this time is maybe a comparison to the people who desperately want babies and are not able to have them, or the family in our community who last week lost four of their eight children in a terrible house fire – all boys, youngest eight, oldest fifteen. You deserve to feel tired, and to feel frustrated. But you also deserve to feel grateful. You never know who is reading.
Thank you soooooo much for writing this article. ..so very validating. .I needed to read this..rough week with my 2yo and 5mth old. Thank you again
I am a mother of 5 mostly grown children and i have to give you a standing ovation for this. I always try not to make those asshole “cherish your time” comments. Yes i miss them sleeping in my lap. Notice the keyword sleeping and of course the first step, etc etc. But my i dont miss list is much longer. It was pure hell for years and it may never end. The truth is its hard, it isnt fun. If anyone enjoy vomit, poop, screaming and sleep deprivation they may love it i guess. “They” say it gets easier…”they” lie. It is a myth. It isnt any easier dealing with a hormanal 12 year old or a colicy 1 year old. It all blows ass. Let i had 5. Insanity and very fertile is what i blame.
OMFG Everything in this article I can relate to except for having two little ones. There were Times that I just wanted to crawl under a rock and just have a minute of me time but as soon as I would say that someone would always say “enjoy it while you can , they will be grown up before you know it “…. I always spoke my mind and told them to mind their own fucking business. .. I really don’t miss the days of shit up to my eyes or having to smell the brown stuff on my sofa to see if its shit or chocolate lol. Anyway love the article…. you hit home run with this one & I can relate to 99% of it ☺
Your message so totally hit home with me! Yes I love my kids but some nights I would love to be able to go to bed and sleep when im tired or look thru my wardrobe for a nice shirt that isn’t puke stained or stretched as hell or sleep in my bed by myself and stretch out or hey sleep through a whole night!!! Haven’t done that in 3 years…. Parenting is hard and sometimes people don’t understand what you want to hear. My thing I’ve been getting lately is “you’re so lucky you get to stay home all day and never work anymore!” Instant angry right there! Good read tho I totally get what you’re saying.
I just keep repeating to myself “I asked for this.” It is usually just to fight the impulse to lock myself in the bathroom so I can eat/sob/sleep alone.
Hell yes. I have a 4 year old and 7 year old who are awesome sleepers. Now. I am not exhausted and I still want to ship these amazing kids off to the grandparents for a week every now and then. A mother’s love is an incredible thing. But there are times that my kids drive me so far up the wall (fucking 4!)that I long for the childless days. Just little bit. You are allowed to feel anything you feel. Kids are hard. You are not alone.
This.is.brilliant.! I only have one little angel of satan and am still fighting with myself about whether to do all this again, surely that makes me a crazy woman, right??!!! He’s great, and whenever anyone says ‘hows your gorgeous little man?’ (I work with the public and hear this 50 times a day) most of the time I smile and say, ‘he’s hilarious, and makes me laugh every day!’, but every now and then, if it’s someone I know quite well, I add that he also makes me want to cry, scream, pull my hair out, and generally throw a tantrum everyday!!! And I’ve had that statement ‘be grateful, cherish each moment, it won’t last forever….’ and all I really want to SHOUT is THANK FUCK FOR THAT…….!!!! But I just smile, and say ‘yeah’.
thanks so much for writing down all the things I’m too pussy to say myself…! Xxx
Lately, my hubby and I both have had people ask us the ages of our kids (9, 6, 4, 2… and I am in the process of weaning the toddler before attempting to wean her from her pack and then get to enjoy potty training one more time) and they have said, “Oh man. I remember those days when my kids were those ages and it was SO tough. But let me assure you that now that our youngest is six (or ten or whatever) it really does get easier. I remember people told me the same thing at the time and I thought they were full of other, but it really is true! So hang in there and eat some chocolate and drink a glass of wine on the tough days, and tell yourself that this day was hard, but you made it through!” I appreciate those comments because I can tell that they really do get it, and it encourage me!
Just fair warning…it does get easier BUT KEEP YOUR GUARD UP….that is how I got the bonus baby. I forgot how hard it was for a minute, missed the smell of newborn hair, their little breath on your face, etc….and it only take a momentary memory lapse… LOL
I’m very old and I remember this period (years of it) as if it were last month. I think as human beings we have gone astray in how we live in small family units – as per the old saying ‘It takes a village to raise a child’, so that there would always be another loving adult to take over while parents have a break.
have not slept in six years, but I still long for another one. When I had my first one I thought I would go insane. She has colic and I would cry when she cried. I made my husband make no noise in the house because if he woke her up I would be very angry because I needed so much sleep. So many other mothers would say how easy it was and I would wonder what was wrong with me. They had babys that slept. I did not. I wondered if it was me. I still don’t know. My husband and I would take out child and tell the doctor there is something wrong with our little one because she never sleeps. He was a very wise man. There was nothing physically wrong with her so he said you just have to survive and once it’s over you will have amnesia and want another one. To some extent I think I did have Amnesia when the second one came and have amnesia again because I want a third one. But not to the extent that I know I won’t sleep I just have this hope… Realistic or not… It will be better this time. Not sleeping is horrible. I warn new moms just in case they have kids that don’t sleep that it happens and not to be caught up in the myth that everything is wonderful. If they do children and babies that sleep I tell them they are blessed. If they don’t I tell them they are normal. Nobody told me that. Except a very wise doctor after weeks and weeks screaming infant and hours of no rest. You just have to survive and then it’s over. And when you finally fall asleep, really asleep, and you are rested enough to think without fog in your brain … It’s then you fall in love with that wonderful little one who is truly yours because now the clouds of tiredness have cleared and you can see truth for the first time.
you are awesome! Keep doing what you are doing!
“I don’t remember how hard it was never sleeping because I’m retired and I sleep until 10 now and I spend all day playing Candy Crush. SO I’m just going to shut the fuck up.” – so true.
IF ONLY.
So here I am, mother of an almost 20 year old and one that will turn 15 in a few days. My big one moved out already and lives on her own. And if you think I’ll preach to you like some other moms you described, never fear.
I want to thank you. Thank you for voicing all the things that I was too afraid to admit to anyone but the closest of family and friends. Thank you for showing the world that while loving your kids unconditionally, you are also just human and can occasionally just be fed up. Thank you for understanding that while loving your kids you don’t always have to like them. Thank you for explaining how it is fine for mothers to have desires of their own as well.
I know my thanks won’t help you get through those tough days. And I know there will be many nights ahead of you where you wish you could just sleep for more than 3 hours in a row. And I know your nerves will be thread bare. I also know that once they are asleep, their little angelic faces looking so peaceful, you are grateful beyond measure, so telling you to be grateful must feel like a slap in the face.
I’m not asking you to be grateful. I’m not telling you to enjoy the diapers, the puke, the destroyed plates and glasses you will endure during the next few years.
What I am telling you is: Stay strong. You’re amazing. And from personal experience I can tell you that once they are big, you will go back to regular sleep, having great sex with your partner and going out for bourbons, heck, even festivals, if that’s your thing as much as it’s mine. And then you can occasionally “borrow” other people’s kids and be happy that you can return them to their parents in the evening and get a good night’s sleep. 😉
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I soooooo needed to read this right now, that it made me cry. <3 I'm having a particularly rough sleep spell & sincerely kindness does help. I may not have more energy, but it feels like it willllll be okay. Maybe not RIGHT now, but it will.
YES! Can we be friends? We all adore our kids, but we all have hard days too where we just want to say, what the fuck did I get myself into? Thank you for writing what we are all thinking!
Pingback: This old house | Glorysgirl
Thank you for your blog. I’m glad I’m not the only one who curses about my kids & of course loves them like crazy too. The other day my 2 yr old woke up at 5 ( that’s a great sleep ) so I say to the hubby I’m just going to get a bottle he pulls him in to bed on my side of course & my LO is sound asleep. So I’m naked standing there like WTF guess I’m not going back to bed xxx
All. Of. This.
Yep.
And can I add on to that the, “Just wait until….” And, “Imagine if you had more…”
Bish please. Don’t negate my experience. And don’t insult me by one upping me with the more-than-one bullshittery.
Know what? I’d give my I-teeth and 4 toes of your choice if I could have another. But I won’t. Thank you infertility! That doesn’t negate ANYTHING I go through because I “only” have one.
Thanks for letting me add-on rant.
I <3 you, Shelley!
Oh, dearheart…i hear you. I remember those days. Nowadays I get “be grateful you have to change the dressing on your mother’s foot…it means you still have her!” And I, too, think “Can you NOT?” But I don’t say it. Because I am grateful that I still have my mom. Most days. So, yeah. Fistbump of solidarity from the other side.
If I complain or cry or talk about how stressed I am, my husband says, “Be grateful, you’re lucky” etc etc etc and I want to punch him in the face. I Am grateful, but I can still be annoyed and upset and want the kids to disappear for Five minutes. Great blog!
I am a grandma, and my youngest child is in her early 20’s. The last few days, she has had 3 different crises related to her car…so parenting is not over. I personally think this stage is worse than the pee, poo, vomit stage ever was, with all due respect to all the moms of little ones out there
My children are grown, and it is true that their childhoods seemed to have skipped by in a heartbeat. When my children were small, there was nothing longer than a night rocking an inconsolable infant, or wrangling my toddler who wouldn’t stay in his bed. Grateful is simply not the word exhausted parents conjure when worn to a frazzle. I felt grateful when my babies fell asleep, when I could find a little romance with my equally exhausted husband, or just watch a TV show from beginning to end. As our children grew, we felt joy as we discovered their humor and intelligence, watched them conquer some rites of passage like sports, music lessons, graduations. Take heart all worn out parents, there are many, many moments that will make the early struggles worth it. But gratitude is not with us on those exhausting nights of ongoing babyhood when even love has worn pretty thin. It is hard! Sleep is a primal need, like water, food and shelter. Our babies deprive us of sleep and yet we are expected to love them unconditionally and patiently. Young parenthood is a test of endurance. It is survival. Cherish the moments with your babies that make you smile. Widen your circle of friends. Take a nap if you can. Accept help. I promise your babies will grow. You might even agree how breathlessly fast the years slipped by.
Pingback: The 82nd Edition of the Down Under Feminists’ Carnival | A life unexamined
This is hilarious and may I say my kids are now adults and I don’t miss the lack of sleep, them being home, them needing me all the time. They have lives and are becoming productive citizens, and I enabled them to do that and ya know…….I love sleep!! And I get a shit ton of it now!! I love my kids and appreciated every step of the way, but I love that they grow up and move out! Lol
Great post!!!!
This is just BRILLIANT – thank you for making my day.
I love sleep so much. I love long lie ins (especially the holy grail of lie ins: “The Second Sleep” – ideally after a little breakfast), I love cat naps in the sun shine, I love sleeping on the lawn, I love sleeping on the train or in a car, I love sleeping in front of the TV, I love long deep sleeps filled with dreams…
And I’ve managed to create a human who hasn’t slept for more than 2 hours in 18 months – 18 MONTHS!!! AGGHHHHHHHHHHH 18 months??!!
I would eat my own toenails for a Second Sleep.
Anyway – thank you – we are not alone. x
OK…I so could have written this with my 1st. He woke on average 5 times a night until nearly 2…early on every 45 to 90 mins (silent reflux, thanks a lot). I just wanted to say that with my 2 oldest 18 months was a real turning point & by 2 (I know 6 months is likely ages away to you right now…sorry) – but by 2…14 HOURS straight……(Did you hear the angels?) So hang in there momma. Sleep is so close for you. You’ve made it this far, it’s the final lap & you will once again know what it is like to wake before someone wakes you., I swear. I messed it up by starting over…and over, BUT…you really are in the home stretch I swear. By 2 I could put them to bed BEFORE me, have time with Dh AND still have time in the morning before they were up. HALLELUJAH.
And if it doesn’t happen, call me. I’ll baby sit a night,. My youngest is so far from sleep, I may as well take yours for you for a night. 😉
My kids are grown and I still remember those sleep deprived nights and those times when the youngest got her days and nights mixed up. I admit it – I am grateful – that I made it through those days and that I never have to go back through them again! lol
Pingback: Amazing, honest piece from a mom – an absolute must read |
“….leads to those parents shutting down and never sharing how they truly feel. It leads to parents not having support networks. It leads to parents walking into parenthood without any idea of how hard some moments, some days, can be. It leads to such unfair expectations on parents – enjoy every minute or you’re a fucking monster. It leads to feeling like you’re doing it all wrong.” – I could not possibly say this better if I tried! AMAZING! The agony of the hard moments needs to be supported, shared, embraced and fostered…because we all have them….<3
think you for being real.
This is soooooo spot on! I actually unfriended someone on hubby’s side of the family for going off on a FB tirade when I had the audacity to complain about being stressed/sleep-deprived/behind-at-work, telling me I needed to stop whining and do my job gratefully as a parent. You’re right – it’s condescending, annoying as hell, and not at all helpful!
To all of the moms out there, you are awesome! May you find all of the love, support, booze, and chocolate you need to make it through this whole parenting thing 🙂
Reblogged this on Panda-monium.
I realise your post wasn’t meant to be entertaining (but it was) How wonderful that your sense of humour is still intact throughout this stage of your children’s lives. Hold on to that, you’ll need it.
My children are both grown now and I recognised all the things you spoke about. I say to parents now, yes it’s hard and your tired and maybe resentful (all perfectly normal) but somehow try to find the silver lining and enjoy it all because as everyone before you knows. It passes all too quickly and the problems just become different and you will yearn for these days. I hope you save your article and read it again when your children are older and see if you can then relate to all the well meaning folk who are commenting now 🙂 because life changes as do we. Enjoy your family and make time for you. You are the glue that holds it all together so make yourself a priority!
Omg I loved this post. I laughed throughout because its so honestly written 🙂 I can feel the gratitude, the utter exhaustion, frustration, and humour. And the internal dialogue is so bang on! Keep writing, you are the voice of genuine sanity 🙂
I was suggested this web site by my cousin.
I’m not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my difficulty.
You are incredible! Thanks!
People complain. We have to vent. Otherwise, we’d go mad. Well, I’ve already lost it, but that’s beside the point. The fact is, parenting is HARD–from Day 1, and it doesn’t get any easier. You just get a few more breathers as they get older, but then each stage brings its own set of problems that we’re in no way ready for. I hate when people say or imply that we signed up for this, so bite the proverbial bullet. No we didn’t! We were told so many stories from people who remembered all the good stuff and forgot about the bad, that we allowed ourselves to build up the fantasy of perfection in our minds. My conception of what it would be like for me was a complete contrast to reality, which was 9 kinds of hell. I think temporary insanity is the only thing that saves us sometimes. That, or lack of sleep keeping us from thinking too deeply about it. I nursed for what seemed like 7 straight years. It drove me crazy at times–the feeling of being chained down by my boobs and missing out on everything else, but I was too stubborn I guess to give it up. Probably should have taken more breaks and let somebody else help. But though I have not once forgotten the bad that came with the good, I honestly do miss mine being babies. I couldn’t conceive of them growing up and becoming adults one day. That was too far off in the future to fathom. . When the teen years hit and they start borrowing my clothes, then it starts to seem more real. I missed out on a lot, for many years, because the sudden death of my father changed me. You’d think it would have brought me closer to my kids, but it caused me to build a thick wall. So in some ways I think I lost twice. So while I remember all too well how you must be feeling now, I can also begin to understand what all those well-intentioned people said, too. It’s a sucky time, and you might often feel like who You are is completely lost in the thick of it. But this too shall pass. You will have time again for You. A little, anyway… Oh, who am I kidding? They won’t even be quiet long enough for me to finish a sentence these days… Well, carry on…
I can so relate to this. I have had so many people say ooooh enjoy it, they grow up fast… well yeah i know but fuck off. Its hard fucking work somedays. Oh and that other thing they like to say.. rest when baby rests… haha jog on. Who the hell is going to clean my house, do my washing.. i have 1/2 hour when my lg naps and ive got to be like speedy gonzalez getting stuff done. So well said!! ? xx
I remember those days well and all you want to do is have a little moan but no one will let you. The one comment that used to really get me was either “oh tell me about it” or ” I know how you feel” well no you don’t. I must admit that know my kids are older the comments just as bad I know that compared to other kids my two are saints but sometimes just sometimes their behaviour is not acceptable and when I have a little moan about I hate when people turn around and say ” your lucky they coukd be worse or more like such and such arghhhh
Thank you a thousand times for this article. It’s so nice to hear from people who feel this way too. I suffered from PND and still find parenting hard now that my son is 4. I find it hard to admit this as society expects us to appreciate our children 24/7. Someone said to be last week, if you gt to the end of the day and your children are still alive, you’re doing ok ?
I totally hear you I’ve had the single mum comments the scared sympathetic “rather you than me” looks, then I met my now husband and had twins who are 14 months old now my older two are 9 and 11 now and a teen treat old step son and the 11 year old is typical pre teen the ten year old won’t sleep the nine year old is reluctant and the twins? Well they woke every half hour in the first week tag teaming me I’ve had comments ranging from “you’ve got your hands full” yes my hands are full but you should see my heart, “rather you than me” yep rather me than you my kids are amazing, “are they natural twins” wtf is a non natural twin. And my personal favourite “I have a 1 year old and a2 year old I totally know what it’s like to have twins” no just no you don’t know what is like to have two babies that when one cries the other waits till they have stopped, then starts crying, having to tandem feed babies just to get 20 minutes sleep before the next feeding starts with five children in the house I often feel lonely but I will never be alone. You are an amazing mama as we all are keep doing what you are doing
That’s supposed to read ten year old not teen treat
My youngest is 17, and I’m starting to tell nostalgic, wistful stories about when they were tiny, and when they were toddlers, and all their firsts – but you know, army veterans tell nostalgic, wistful war stories about life in the trenches, too.
Time softens memories, and who in hell wants to remember the hard stuff anyway? When I force myself, I remember a long grey period when there seemed to be no sleep cycle at all (and I’m talking about me!) and people passing me in the street must have thought I was the vanguard of the zombie apocalypse. I’m reminded of it with a powerful wallop when I hear stories of young parents like you.
I loved this I am a mum of 4 adult children now and still have vivid memories of bed sharing etc – used to say I didn’t sleep for 10 years!! I think Mum’s do an awesome job and permanent exhaustion seems to go hand in hand with it. I now have a beautiful grandson but when he stays with me has me clinging to 2 inches of my bed while he is star fishing over the rest of it – instantly takes me back to “the sleepless years” but if me having a few nights of this allows my daughter some precious sleep job done, because I do remember!!! Well done to all the Mum’s you do an amazing job sometimes under very trying conditions!! X
Well said mamma! I understand exactly what you are saying. Being a parent is hard and demanding at times. Kids aren’t born with manuals and although one day in the future (near or far) we might look back and laugh, in that moment of frustration we should be able to vent and throw our toys out the cot. We should have people that understand that we are about to cry and scream inside and who pat us on the shoulder and say ‘don’t worry mommy what you are feeling is normal and it’s ok’. So from me to you, wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze. Thats a hug to say well done on being a good mom.
With all these comments who even knows if this will get read….BUT I needed to jump in too. I suffered with recurrent losses before I was blessed with a child & in between my kids as well. I hate that not only did I have to go through that & the millions of thoughtless things people say about that (don’t even get me started) NOW I am forced to either claim my kids poop butterflies or I’ve apparently lost sight of how grateful I am. I am more grateful than I can possibly put into words. I truly thought I would never have A child, much less more than one….but there IS a limit. Like you, I once, at 4am, was up, setting with a sleepless newborn (maybe a week old) & I apparently thoughtlessly posted something like…”I don’t mind staying up all night with the baby…he’s lovely, it’s staying up all day with the toddler that is killing me. Someone please tell these kids i can’t work 1st, 2nd AND 3rd shift…LOL” To which I got many silly things including one of husbands buddies telling me just wait until they are teens, this is the “easy part”…ummm what? So – in true hormonal sleep deprived state…I lost it, on FB. I said “Easy – really? Have you ever done this on your OWN all night every night, when your nips are bleeding & it feels like your vag has been through a blender, twice? Have you ever nursed a baby while setting on a toilet because otherwise you are leaking like a sieve while he scream, all the while sweating that you are going to have to eventually push to poop and it’s likely gonna feel a bit like childbirth out your butt to do so…? I bet not, so please refrain from schooling me on how this is the “easy” part…because if it’s true, kill me now.”
It didn’t go over well. LOL He ended up deleting his comments, I left mine up….forever. I still think that way & always will. If you can’t be sweet or supportive while I struggle, then shut up. I am not ASKING you to remind me how much I wanted this or what I have lost, nor how much harder it might be with a terminally ill child or if my kid turns out to be a serial killer or any other harder scenario. I’m saying 4 hrs of interrupted sleep is enough reason to struggle & I don’t have to (or shouldn’t have to) preface every statement with I am so grateful for the rays of sunshine God has bestowed into my life & home…blah blah.
I am grateful, I am also in the trenches & damn tired much of the time. It is okay to be both. I love being a mom more than anything i have ever done. I also love Indian food but I wouldn’t eat a feast meant for 8 willingly. I certainly would not wonder why I felt like vomiting if I did…nor would anyone else wonder why I puked. I think it’s just the SAME concept. When people look back fondly they ONLY remember the first plate of lovely tandoori & naan bread…not the 8th plate they were force fed and then vomited after…LOLOLOLOL Too much of a good thing can just be too much.
I think *most* of the overwhelmed feelings we get are from the fact that we don’t have appropriate support. It’s so hard. Many grammas are still working, or live away, etc…aunts, sisters, friends. I have people in my life that we enjoy spending time with, but very few who can & will actually help me & I don’t dare burn them out. My own mother in law decided to just not come to visit for the birth of our 3rd baby, her only granddaughter….until she was 6months old…because she already planned to come a month sooner for a family party & didn’t feel like traveling again so soon (money is no issue for them & the trip is 3 hrs on plane). I so desperately would have loved her help with my older kids, but didn’t feel like i could ask, as I asked her several times if she was sure she didn’t want to meet her 1st grandaughter sooner….. I am sure my story is far from unique & many moms feel like they simply don’t have enough hands or help to get a handle on real rest. I faintly recall what it was like to go to bed & KNOW I was going to sleep until morning…but it gets fainter & fainter the more time passes.
THANK YOU for putting this out there & starting the convo that needs to have happened every day for the past 8 yrs of my life….lol 🙂
Oh yes ! You are SO on the mark here. Agree with you 100%
Well daid! Maybe you should start every post with ‘I am an eternally grateful parent BUT…’ lol ?
I wish I could give you an hour’s sleep for every comment telling you “I agree with you BUT” or telling you to be grateful for people who tell you to be grateful!
You’d wake up to find your weans both at high school!
Sooo right on. Thank you to all the people who came here to again assert the same silliness. LOL.
this completely made my day! So lovely to see there are many mummies that feel the same way I do 🙂
Hi there I remember vividly with my first child being sooo tired I dumped him on the bed with his Dad and said you have him,
I can’t or I’ll kill someone, probably you because you`re sleeping through all this, I then went into the living room collapsed on the couch and cried for two solid hours until I finally fell asleep, hubby went to work as usual at 7 am and it all started over again … I had been sleepless for at least eight weeks and I couldn’t even go to the toilet and put him down long enough to get my knickers down to sit on it (he was such a needy child) and I was daft enough to go ahead and have four more of the little whatsits (two of them within the next couple of years) … lol … I love them all to the moon and back and I`m `really grateful` that they are all grown up now (the eldest is 37 and the youngest is 21) I also have two step children and I also include them in the love to the moon etc. Now I have my grandchildren to stay over occasionally and absolutely understand the saying `Grandchildren are so much fun, if I had known this I would have had them first` … lol I hope you all survive to become the part time caregiver that a Grandparent is … Then you really can be grateful and enjoy every moment you have with them … 🙂
That’s brilliant, why do our kids sleep like that in our bed! It’s so dam annoying, I’m scared to go to the loo for waking them up and get into my bed really quiet and have the smallest space ever. Hugs to u, hope u get some sleep soon.x
Absolutely with you on this x
LOL, what a lovely honest article, all the best of luck with your little sleep breakers, having 5 children of my own I feel your pain ! Just because they exhaust us to the point of distraction and beyond does not mean we as mothers aren’t full of boundless love and gratitude for our children. We are. But society should acknowledge that having very small children can be incredibly draining and demanding. So , readers, if you’re presented with an opportunity to help a mother of young babies, then step up ! Offer to babysit, bring round that home cooked meal, take her kiddies out for a 2 hour walk so she can nap or shower etc. 🙂
Love love love this. Thank you!!!!
Honest and accurate. Loved it! Being a mom is the hardest fucking job in the world. Bar none. Young moms ask me all the time how I raise 4 kids as a single mom. You wanna know how…cause I have to. Who else is gonna do it. Seriously, I’m their mom. It’s literally MY job. And that’s why God invented chocolate and vodka. That and the occasional hug and I love you Mum is what keeps me going. “Stress less and do your best”…that’s fucking impossible. Indulge in whatever gets you through the day. And tell people who want to debate that to fuck themselves 🙂
Hey there I had a giggle at your post, because every mum knows that being a mum to babies is hard. As a mum of 4 year old twins I spent 2 whole (possibly 3- I can’t remember due to sleep deprivation) years of them tag teaming and getting little, none or on rare occasions a few hours undisturbed sleep. It was hell. I always tell expectant twin moms that the first two years will be hell. Yes being a mom is amazing, it is rewarding, fun etc etc but essentially for the first two years it is hell. I think older ’empty nesters’ forget that when you have really little babes it is really hard…. I think they are reminiscing about when your kids are in their 4-7 year old period when they have a cute innocence, are not too cheeky, and sleep through the night (most of the time). I guess when they get older parents will have sleepless nights worrying about their older kids’ endeavors which will mean more sleep deprivation.
I am happy to say that I think (okay so I am hoping) that I am now safely into the golden years of motherhood. And I am loving every minute of it (even with the odd temper tantrum) because my kids can speak and we communicate with each other effectively, they are so sweet and I am trying (amongst running my own business, taking care of the home) to cherish every moment of being their mum. I am loving and cherishing my boys for many reasons, but most of all I am loving it because they sleep.
Get through the next couple of years and you will able to enjoy the best bit! xxxx
Pingback: Blocked | damnfinecupoftea
This is really refreshing! You’re all amazing!!
People need to be more open about the shit times! If everybody keeps quiet and pretends everything is ok, people will be afraid to speak up about the hard times and think they’re alone, where as reading the comments you have all gone through similar things and by sharing you can support each other through it because someone somewhere knows how you’re feeling.
I have no kids but all my friends have started popping them out and my Brother has 2 young boys.
I have witnessed first hand some of the really really shit times and tried to help out as best I can, providing some respite but they still seem to gloss over things all the time as if I/people will think badly of them for complaining and telling it like it is.
Their favourite things are to say “I hope this doesn’t put you off having kids” IT DEFINITELY DOES, “It’s not always like this” I come here often and IT IS ALWAYS like that, “It’s not so bad” IT SOooo IS!!! “You get used it it” WTF?!?
With their first kids they filtered everything they said and posted on facebook so it was only the slushy stuff. At least now if I do have kids I will be entering into it having given full consideration to what I’m actually letting myself in for. Pretending it’s all a bed of roses doesn’t help anyone.
Excellent!
My 3 yr old has known and been able to repeat the phrase “shit on it!” for a long time now…
You are sooooo not alone! 🙂
I remember those days! I had 21 months between my two and had the same experience with tag teams, one awake while the other slept. I can look back at those days & remember the exhaustion I felt.
Now my kids are adults and I am enjoying the freedom that I now have but miss being needed by them. It’s so nice to be able to go out without having to arrange babysitters or take them with you!
I’m looking forward to grandchildren, maybe in 10 years or so!
Pingback: parenting … it’s not all beer and skittles | www.baby.geek.nz
Sorry, but I have to leave a comment for you! Fuck those fucking people! I hated it when my son was a baby and people would tell me what I should be feeling. My favorite was when people would ask, “Are you having another one?” I’d always say no, and then they’d say, “Oh, just wait, you’ll want another.” It’s like, “Excuse me, but who the fuck are you to tell me what I want?”
I hated being crapped all over and up all night. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything, but I would NEVER do that shit again.
So, good for you for writing this post. I’m 100% behind you. What is there to be grateful about when you’re up all night and your boobs are leaking through your t-shirt? Nothing, that’s what. I started to be a bit more grateful when my son could wipe his own butt 🙂
this is perfect. Thank you.
I can appreciate this 100%. I had trouble conceiving and in a way vowed that I would never complain about my pregnancy or motherhood. But some moments are just so frustrating that a vent is just what my sanity needs. And I am SO grateful everyday I could just shout it from my rooftop!
One of the other things that I get guilt tripped with is by my older colleagues at work remarking on things I happen to complain about. “Back when I had kids it was so much worse and that’s why you shouldnt get any special treatment and get over it. ” I thought that my mother coworkers would be much more accomodating but are really the worst at sympathyzing.
This is a brilliant post. And my kids are now 12 and almost 16 and there are plenty of days I thought, “I should’ve prayed for sterility”, and I say, “Fuck this shit.” And you can say those things and still be grateful and love those crazy wonderful little energy suckers for all of eternity. We are all doing the best we can in the moment. And some days we can string together a lot of moments to make it an amazing day. And other days the moments are few and far between (possibly non-existent), and we spike an apple on the floor and say, “Fuck this shit.” And are still awesome moms on all of those days. Hang in there because there are hard days and great days ahead.
I never swore until I had children. It’s so nice to know other mom’s are feeling the way I do.
Yes, to everything in this article!
Also… You don’t look tired at all. You look like a glam actress who only eats paleo stuff and drinks grass smoothies. 😉
Pingback: Episode 89: The Top 5 Reasons I Am Still Doing the Mom at 41 Podcast
God yes. I used to feel so ashamed/livid when someone would say shit like that to me. It made me feel like such a terrible parent. My son’s 5 now and while I’ll miss all the cute baby stuff, I know for a fact I’ll NEVER miss going on 2 hours sleep for months on end (if I’m honest, it’s actually years, but who’s counting) – with people around me assuming I was exaggerating – being projectile vomited on repeatedly, and having your nipples chewed to a pulp. No thanks. And though I understand that people with grown kids remember their kids’ childhood selectively, weeding out the unpleasantness, and time does go by fast, etc, they just should NEVER. EVER. SAY. IT. And as for enjoying spending all the time with you can with them and cherishing every moment, blah, blah, blah, well, I’ll tell ya, I think I enjoyed every moment that was enjoyable. Every moment that wasn’t a total shit show. So there. 😉
Pingback: Saturday Sites: Week Ten |
I’m not a mother (yet), but this article is a relief to me. Although motherhood is a role I definitely want to fulfill one day, bringing tiny other people into the world terrifies me a little. The level of amazingness that most parents are is off the scale, I hope to be even 3/4 as awesome as the mothers I know.
And when you just want to fucking melt the well-meaning retired cow’s face off, remember – they’re projecting their own latent guilt onto you. Which means they’re most likely the mothers who hated the early years the most and were so fucking over it for the longest. Ah-haaaaaa 😀
I have two grown children, and I don’t miss….not for a second…..the sleepless nights, being puked on, etc. I wouldnt do it again for a million dollars. I ADORE my adult kids (and the ones that aren’t adults yet). They are amazing young people. I do not long for the days when my son only slept in 15 minute increments.
I also have two grandchildren. The 2yo had a sleepover last night, and woke up 2-3 times, and a some point his foot was draped across my forehead. And yes, I thought it was precious. BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE TO DO IT ONCE A WEEK. It would cease being precious in a heartbeat if it was every night (frankly, at this age, my limit is one sleepover a week). And we do an overnight a week, because we KNOW how hard it is, and we want to help.
I wonder if the mothers who say those things aren’t close with their adult kids? Maybe it’s their own guilt/shame/pain speaking?
Pingback: overdue: the final countdown | Soul Diver
Thank you! I hope you get a good night sleep soon! X
The only thing to say is: This too shall pass, and you will once again be happy and enjoy them. In the meantime, is there someone there who will keep you from killing them? Mine was colicky, and I spent far too many nights wide awake reminding myself not to pat the baby’s back too hard…..
Ohhhh…my best friend just sent me the link for this because YES. YES TO EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAID. My daughter almost died when she was born and now I can never be overwhelmed ever because I prayed for this child every day. So cheers to the puke down my back because my five year old came to sleep with me when she didn’t feel good and all the other phenomenal moments that no one tells you about before the stick turns blue. Motherhood is beautiful and fucking exhausting. Take heart. You are not alone. Also, there’s a fully stocked bar at my house if you ever need to run away. We welcome stray mama’s 24/7/365. 🙂
I read your post with interest. I went through my boys growing up feeling like the biggest miscreant in the world because motherhood and I were basically incompatible. I loved them I would do anything for them but I didn’t love the endless sleepless nights and the on demand days where I could barely get a brush through my hair let alone my teeth. I long for the days when I will get to miss them. They are 30 and 27 and still live at home ( I think they like me) I am scared to become a grandma because I do remember the crying/ screaming the smells and the panic. I guess too that I don’t want to be judged like I was when I was a mum. Thank you for your post.
I nodded the whole way though and I laughed and laughed. And how us mummies need to laugh. We don’t do it nearly enough. You get it. I get it. We all get it. GREAT article! Thanks for making my day.
this post was exactly what i needed. i’m 32 weeks pregnant with #1 and loathing pregnancy, but am already getting the “be grateful” from everyone around me. mostly “be grateful because so many people can’t get pregnant/have difficulty getting pregnant” (um, i had HUGE difficulty getting pregnant, thanks dickstick). one of my closest girlfriends is a single mom and taught me how it is in “the real world” of parenting, that sometimes you just need someone to sympathize with you and agree that yes, your child is a little arsehole right now, and would you like some more Bailey’s in your coffee? I don’t know how many times I would walk over to her place, i’d ring the bell, the door would open, and first the baby would come flying out, the door would shut, and then open again to emit a diaper bag and stroller. followed by door closing again and the sound of a lock clicking. point taken! baby and i would go happily terrorize the town for a couple hours so Mama could regain her sanity. of course she’s grateful for her child and loves the crap out of him, why would you imply otherwise? just like of course i’m grateful to be pregnant, but for both scenarios, no one tells you that it’s okay to say it fucking sucks sometimes. so thanks for saying that it’s okay. <3
love love love it…
71 yr old gramma
ohhhhh muuuuhhhh Gawwwwd! I totally posted an eerily similar rant on a Facebook mom group today which pretty much spewed and echoed your blog post, complete with F-words and all. I’m SO OVER the “be grateful” bullshit! Here’s what I wrote:
There so many days where I just want to say, I HATE MY JOB. But it’s like, nobody wants to acknowledge that there are times when being a mom is difficult. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you will find plenty of people who will commiserate and say that it’s not an easy job but God forbid I say I hate it every now and then. I’ve currently got to toddler that is getting into everything, A four-month-old who somehow manages to bite the living fuck out of my nipple, despite having no teeth. I don’t sleep I barely have time to eat let alone eat something healthy. But if I even say that I “hate my job” i’m suddenly an ungrateful bitch. Because I should suddenly think about all of the people who can’t have children or all of the people who can’t breast-feed or all of the people who would give anything to have a toddler scribbling on the walls with crayon. It frustrates me that I cannot just feel stressed out, and dread Monday morning just like everyone else. Weekends are no leisure time. I go from taking care of kids all day to cooking and then to cleaning and back to taking care of kids overnight. Weekends are for adding in all of the bigger kid activities. I’m fucking burned out. I never get 5 minutes to myself unless I’m taking a shit and even then I can hear knocking on my door. I love my kids, but there are days where I just hate my job. It doesn’t mean that I’m ungrateful that I am able to stay at home with them, it just means that just like anyone else with a “job” my “job” has pitfalls too. Sorry to rant but I feel like I am just not allowed to feel this way, and I’m so frustrated by this!
Anyhow, after an overwhelming amount of commisseration a friend posted the link to your rant.
So yeah, you are not alone!
One day I looked at a lady I know – and Gratefully said “thank you for understanding it can be hard.” Implying that have two toddlers is not all rainbows and unicorns, but certainly not saying anything like “this fucking sucks!” And you know what she said. “You should be grateful, they’re healthy and some people can’t even have kids.”
#iamgrateful
Thank you, I’m apologizing to my daughter! Generally speaking, I’m there for her but sometimes, when she says she wants to pack it all in, instead of sympathizing with her and telling her I felt that way so many times I can’t count, I panic and tell her she should never say things like that. How awful is that!? Thank you again for your article, my second daughter is due with her first baby in June, I will do better with her and I am now going to be a better mother for all of my girls! 🙂
It’s not awful! I don’t ever think anyone intends to hurt when they say be grateful! And you sound like a lovely mum. Your girls are lucky to have you 🙂
Love it! Thank you for being honest, and I totally get it, live it, try to stay positive and then feel like crap when I’m not. Being real is part of the process, and frankly, holding it together and being positive when you just want to complain for like 5 minutes or cry until your head aches, is unhealthy. Stuff things down, and they back up on you. Refreshing. Thank you again.
Pingback: Unsubscribing effective immediately | The Monster in Your Closet
This and “You have your hands full” are my pet peeves. I hear at least one every time I leave the house with my kids. Every. Single. Time. I always try to politely call people on it, like say “I’m not so grateful at 3 am” or “I think I’m doing ok” to the hands full one. I like to think those people might think before saying this to the next parent.
I raised twins and have few memories of the first 6 months. I was lucky to get 2 hours sleep between feedings. I was a Zombie! Fortunately, my Mom lived nearby and was an enormous help. Hubby worked nights so ’nuff said about that.
My advice to new parents is, “Hang on, you are in for the ride of your life. Love ’em and hold ’em tight.”
“WTF?! I love you, but I just fed you an hour ago & you’re awake ALREADY?!!! I just want to sleep! When do I get to sleep?!” (While shoving the almost 4 year old out of the way to I can get out of bed to get screaming 8 month old from crib)
I soooooo feel your pain. Sigh…
Thanks for your article, it really resonated with me! I mentioned your blog in an article that was published in Elephant Journal today. Check it out: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/03/gratitude-is-not-a-band-aid/
Hugs from a great grandma who knows the territory well.
I love this post as it is very honest and funny at the same time. I’m guilty of being the turd who misses my baby now that he is grown. I hadn’t thought about the “enjoy these moments” as they will soon be gone comments as they related to you in the moment. I remember wishing for the point in life when I could pee in private again too, or just sleep until 5:30 without waking.
Oh Wow! You are so cool and so much of what you said hits the nail on the HEAD!!! As I get older, and my kids become teens, my vocabulary of F**K- you, off, this, everything, and it just keeps expanding. I LOVE that you were honest enough to speak your truth for us to read. I totally relate to not having a space that is mine and no downtime/time off to decompress. I just forge ahead, sometimes I am pretty pissy about it, too. The thing I hear most is “be grateful for what you have”, . Some days it’s crazy and there is no doubt that I love my kids and do practice my gratitude. But, even in my deepest gratitude, I regularly feel like saying f**k it and have decided that once the kids are in college I am going to go absolutely, unabashedly, freedom deficit crazy ( I am saving up bail money now, lol) Beautiful!!
Pingback: The Ultimate Rabbit Hole: Good Hair, Good Food, Good Laughs - Calm to Conniption
The day my son was old enough to go downstairs and use the remote by himself was the greatest day of my life. Rock on, sista.
Sharing this on my fb page because I’m fucking grateful too- for my babies and for your honesty- awesome.
I fucking love this post!
I adore you.
Than you for showing me that I’m not alone in this.
Great Piece, would like to know what your friend’s mother thought of it? Also what your friend thought. Did they take with good heart?
They haven’t seen it. I haven’t shared it on my personal Facebook account!
Wow. I typically pan blogs that are like “Don’t ever say _______ to ______!” genre of writing that is really popular right now. In fact, I clicked on this link only because “fuck” was in the title and I thought that was cool, but I was prepared to roll my eyes right out of my head at another “DON’T EVER SAY ______ TO A NEW MOM!” blog.
This blew my mind. YES, YES, YES!
And you know, the truth is, those people know damn well that they did not “enjoy every minute” of motherhood. It’s like when we as moms talk about labor and holding our beautiful baby, but kindof gloss over the stitches and bleeding and screaming. That’s why I HATE this phrase. “Be grateful.” “Enjoy every moment.” I’m human! I will not enjoy every moment. I fucking LOVE being a mom. I also love being alive. But I do not enjoy every moment of every day that I’m alive. That’s life. And bonding over the miserable times brings parents closer together and bonds us as humans. Thank you for this beautiful piece of art!
As one of the moms who’s kids have grown up and now bring me their beautiful babies to love and enjoy, I’m guilty of the above. From my perspective, (I think it, but don’t say it), the reason we think this way, is because when we went through it we felt the same way as you but didn’t have the community you have to share your thoughts with, no matter the time of day and while we thought our experience was unique and ever so difficult, we soon learned we were in the same boat as everybody else. I guess at times we feel old, unimportant, ignored and have thoughts, ideas that don’t mean anything to the young parents of today.
It’s a very interesting series of life experiences women in particular go through and unfortunately we diminish your experiences by stating or thinking that you as parents and moms are going through.
I appreciate this article and have immediately mended my ways! I would love to read a blog or post from somebody who’s my age who can tell the story from our perspective. Aging moms who are not really needed by our children except for “grandma” duties and who don’t take much of an interest in our lives, opinions, because they are so busy being great moms and dads. (similar to what I did at the same age!)
Thank you for the commentary and feedback. It was a reminder to be an even better friend, mom and grateful / blessed grandma!
Thank you so much for sharing the view from your station in life!
And as a “young mom” (I’m 32 but have 2 toddlers) I can wholeheartedly tell you that we DO need you! My mother in law lives with us and I don’t know what I would do without he . Certainly no ever have made it through having a 17-month-old and newborn. A smart woman utilizes help as it’s offered and appropriat . I love having an older voice around, even if we don’t always agree!!
I guess I qualify as a young parent and I do really value the wisdom of other parents (older and younger). And I’m thankful for the advice and support I’m given. My mother in law lives down the road from me and I don’t know what I’d do without her! This post wasn’t meant to suggest older parents shouldn’t share advice with younger parents. It was just about choosing words carefully, given how they can make people feel. Thanks so much for sharing, and I’d happily post another perspective from a grandma (or anyone else for that matter – I’m only ever going to be able to share my own thoughts and feelings). But this was never meant to be about sides. Thanks again, B. X
GRATEFUL THOSE YEARS ARE OVER AND WE ALL SURVIVED!!
I really enjoyed reading over your post, memories of those so called “best days of my life” flooded over me while I was reading it, So much so that my tits started feeling crampy!! My 4 “precious gems are all adults with children of their own now, The 3 oldest are 2 years apart in age and planned that way, because I actually believed my husband both times when he told me “ah we need to have another baby, cause you are bored and unhappy when they start becoming a little independent” So the first 6 years of my marriage I was potty training and weaning one, while diapering and nursing another!! There were times that I went a week without taking my hair out of the ponytail to brush it! and from the time my oldest started to walk, til the time that they each moved out, I do not recall taking a bath, or spending more than 3 minutes on the toilet before the bathroom door would swing open, and they all toddled in for a family conference!! Why their topics could not wait, or been brought up 5 minutes sooner I will never truly understand, but according to the response given by my grown up oldest child when I inquired was that they knew once i was in the bathroom I was a captive audience, and I had to listen and resolve the problem if I hoped for any privacy! So, I agree that we should remember those early years with gratitude!
And I absolutely do!!! I remember those early years with loads gratitude! GRATITUDE THAT THEY ARE OVER and THAT I NOT ONLY SURVIVED THOSE YEARS, BUT SO DID MY CHILDREN!!!!! The crazy bitches ragging at you probably had, nannies, live in mothers, or mother in laws, full-time child care, and other amenities that allowed them to rejoin the grown up world, with manicures, hairdos, makeup, shoes, and clothing that do not have the word sweat in the description! Any mom that had survived the 24/7 as the solo care giver totally understands your rant!! What the snobs don’t get is of course we love our children with everything we are, and would kill or die for them in a heartbeat.
Regardless of that fact there are going to be a lot of times throughout their lives, that we love them soo much that for their own well being they should get out of our sight cause we just really are not LIKING them right now!! It is perfectly acceptable to not like your child on occasion! Like when your 4 yr old takes the 2 yr old to “play in their bedroom’ so you can nurse the baby…. Then the quiet reaches the panic phase and you go check to see what they are getting into and see the 2 yr old dangling from the top bunk with just his tippy toes touching the floor, around his neck the 4 yr old was kind enough to tie her new jump rope, but she could not hold him up after shoving him over the edge because “Hims was to heabby mommy, him falled off, I pullin him up but him to heabby, here mommy you helmp me pull him up” Throughout her explanation of what I am viewing and as she offers me her end of the jump rope so I can help her pull him up, I realize she is still pulling him, and now his face is turning red! Now I don’t know about other mothers or how they may have reacted, but I can honestly say at that moment I truly did not like her very much at all!!
Loved reading this and will add that I only have time to read because I am sick. And the hard part about being sick is I can’t be around my kids, which is also the great part about being sick! #iamgrateful!
Pingback: platitudes | popcorn ceiling life
I’m living this right now, so thank you for putting into words how I feel every damn day. Just seriously, thank you!
Omg here too! We often bitch about this in my crunchy-mom FB group. So there’s 23 more of us like you 🙂 I just hope we’ll make a new generation that doesn’t say what we hate when WE are 50 😀 I’d swear there’s amnesia they get or something.
You’re so right, sometimes it is just way too freaking much!!!
This post reminds me of the days that were overwhelming and I don’t miss them at all. I want to take a nap for you….it gets better. Also at the risk of sounding like all the commenters you want to f?#k off it does get better but you won’t look back and wish for those days.
Amen to that! And I’m not religious at all. My kids are 10 and 12 and I wake up every single day more grateful than ever before because they ARENT waking me up at stupid o clock, sicking/shitting/peeing on me and sapping my every cell of all available energy any longer. I would never patronise you or tell you to be grateful for what you have. I say do whatever it takes to get through it and by the way, would you like me to make you a cup of tea? Do not underestimate how fucking awful that time of life can be. Sleep deprivation is the worst. You’re doing great. Go you. xxx
You got it so right. A break would definitely be great vi wish I was a close relative that could say here honey let me take the older ones and give you some time off or even take all of them for you. Love and hugs honey. Keep up the good work. Love a grandma of 4 in Arizona.
Excellent piece …I spent a lot of years wanting to send mine back to the maternity hospital!! But. Never did. They are now indeed teenagers who are grown but I do still remember the absolute shite and pain and torment that is parenting and I hope I never ever say to a new sleepy deprived and reality challenged parent to be grateful. I would say sit down, drink this, smoke this – this is what they don’t tell u on the TV. Respect xx
I agree. It needs to be safe to express this stuff. I had severe post-partum depression for over a year after my son was born. And when I tried to talk about it, I got shut down in one way or another. My mother-in-law stepped in and saved me by taking him more often and cooking for me, cause she noticed I was losing weight too quickly. No sleep sucks! Be grateful that they will get older, and will move onto a different stage, hopefully one where they like sleep as much as you do. Thank you for your honest words.
Pingback: The Black Dog in Pregnancy | The Moon Baby
I put a link to this post in my own blog article. Hope that’s okay. I’d put the link of my own post here but I don’t want it to look like shameless self-promotion lol.
Hey! I meant to reply to your email. Sorry, two sick kids! I love your post. I too had depression during my pregnancies. It was particularly bad with my second. I’ve just been working on a post about it. I love your post. It really struck a chord for me. Well said. Xx (also, it has linked back so hopefully people will click through and I’ll link to it when I post again) x
No worries, I find it hard to respond to people for days at a time lol … almost every message starts with, “Sorry for the delayed reply”! Can’t wait to read your post on your experience with it. x
i loved this! You are SOO right! I’m 50 and the mom of four great grown up sons! I loved the feckers but omg it was hard work and everyone said the same bloody things to me…. But as I closed the door on son number 3 today.. With son number 4 ( aged 15) playing on his brain damaging xbox! I punched the sky and yelled “Thank fuck for that 3 down 1 to go!!” Don’t get me wrong we love them with every inch of our being but at long last it’s NEARLY our turn again……can’t wait for our new adventures…. Hang in there darling, believe it or not your turn will come too! Good luck! ?
OMG SO true!of course I am grateful that I have 2 beautiful boys, I never said I wasn’t but YES sometimes (just sometimes) I want to be able to yell why do you hate me boys and not want me to sleep ever! And sometimes I want to vent to another mom about how my kids are annoying me ( yes, I love them, but Ya sometimes you know, they get on my nerves) and I want that mom to just listen or smile or agree not make me feel like an awful person. Best article ever 🙂
Omg that is so good. I applause u on this. U should start a blog seriously. If u did/do u would love u to send me the link because I would read it every single day. It is nice that people ( mothers) out there do talk about it and do really whst it can be like as a parent. Sometimes it is tough. I can totally relate to the whole wish I had my own bed thing! It is getting slightly better for me but just one night would be great to take up the whole bed myself! Lol keep up the great comments I think they are awesome. It lightens the shitty times up when all u wanna do is cry! Well done!
best. thank you. I’ve started deleting those ‘friends’ from my FB list, who post the forever-grateful-boring-as-shite-comments in your space!!! Kinda makes me think – “why are we friends again? god, you’re boring”. If i need to express myself after 4 years of no sleep – a kid who sleeps on your head, gets his legs round your neck in a choke hold, titty, head, gut kicks and plays with your hair all night – i just want to say fuck a lot and joke about the fucking ridiculousness of it all! I hear teenagers sleep a lot and talk less – sounds like fucking heaven to me – can’t wait.
I found out I was pregnant rather unexpectedly we weren’t planning on having kids, don’t get me wrong but how we both wished people would stop telling us it was a lovely surprise because it wasn’t! People’s niceties nearly drove us both insane don’t get me wrong I love my daughter to bits, my partner’s still working on it. Unfortunately there isn’t a hand book on parenting
It leads to loneliness, I’m a mumma who does it on my own and I read this post and laugh, cry, scream and agree! Keep telling me what I’m missing, doing wrong – that will make me feel better….
Keep saying to cherish these exhausting times – like I can! Like you ever could you bitter old woman. Like I give 2 shits about later… I just want my fucking bed to myself and to not be made to feel like that’s a bad thing??! They all have beds I bought them , clean sheets whilst mine are 2 weeks old… It really isn’t too much to ask for my children who I love to get the fuc out of my bed and into their own bed!
I will get old they won’t stay young – but sleep well sleep is the only thing that matters at 3am!!!
My youngest is 4 and I am still copping wake ups from my 9 yr old! Arrgghhhh! I love the kid but really??? Go to sleep – let mummy sleep and we will all be able to cope better in the morning 🙂
I feel it!!! My fiancé and I have a collective of 4 kids. From 13 down to 21 months. Many people might think “oh well you sleep just fine” but the baby doesn’t seem to like sleeping. I love our kids to the ends of the earth and wouldn’t trade them for the world but you also would not believe the number of times each day I mutter “damn kids” as I get frustrated by something that is completely normal behavior for a child but makes me wanna slam my head through a wall LMFAO. I love this and it reminds me so much of when I was nursing mine when they were still babies. I feel it!!! Stay strong Momma!!! And happy Mother’s Day!!!
Pingback: Mother’s Day, 2015 | A Bee of a Certain Age
I’m not a parent, but hope to be one day and #iamgrateful for REAL posts like this. No sugarcoating necessary. Life isn’t all giggles and smiling pictures on facebook and that’s OK. THANK you 🙂
I prefer to tell new(er) parents, “It gets better. Just repeat to yourself, ‘It gets better…it gets better…it gets better…'”
Thank you so much for this post. What gets me the worst is on the last day of term before Christmas, when the wickedly grinning teachers/ kindergarten minders say ‘Enjoy the break!’ I’m sure they will, but I just finished mine! Farewell, sanity, you were fun while you lasted…
Hilarious but true article about responses to posts of depraved lunatic behaviour of our offspring.
I’ve had a number of these comments and they really piss me off. If I was so ungrateful, would I bother harassing her medical team with my Google Doctorate? Would I post a gazillion pictures of her in the exact same pose cos I can’t choose my favourite?
Would I actually run out of chocolate and not go get more as she is sleeping on me and I don’t want to disturb her because I was ungrateful?
Lol
THANK YOU!!!
I am so over other people’s opinions. You should absolutely not have to defend how you feel! And people who don’t “get it” would not be invited over for drinks anyway….so fuck it. Thanks for the laugh-I have a 5 week old-just one-and I’m loving it. But how IN THE HELL do people manage with more than one???? I am in awe. Seriously.
So I’m a parent to three absolute snotbags. They are quite possibly the most feral things you will ever come across in life, but they are individuals and I love them for it. I often joke about smothering one (or all) with a pillow or drowning them in the bath (very dark humour I know) but it’s that sadistic humour that gets me through my sleep deprived days. I’m a single parent as a result of my husband dying suddenly about 12 months ago. We already had 2 young girls, 8 and 3 and was not quite halfway through pregnancy with mister 3. I took over a business and ran that for the past 12 months and trust me when I say I use the term “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK” about 70 times a day. If people judge me for that they can come and walk that mile in my shoes…if you want to bitch about parenting (and in a very hilarious way at that) you should be able to do so without other people’s fucked up comments or judgements. Or the “OMG you are super mum I don’t know how you do it” bullshit. There is no such thing. We all suck sometimes, we are all horrible sometimes and our kids are fucking ridiculous most of the time. Have fun 🙂
Pingback: What I’m reading (version 22.07.2015) | verdant
Pingback: Careless words | Mama Said
Hey,
You fucking rock and I am sooo grateful that someone shared one of your posts on facebook and that I found you.
So good for me right now.
Thank you for being so brave and honest and fucking hilarious.
I love you! .xx
What a legend. We all love being parents of young kids but I am also looking forward to the day they buy a round…(using their own money).
Oh HELL YES John!
Thank you – this just saved my sanity….
So the thing is this week I had to go get some bloods done at the Dr surgery, I know the nurse, we actually work together at the local hospital…she’s a good nurse, but one of those “I take no prisoners” types, great in the emergency room (except for when it’s your baby she’s pinning down to get a line into and tells you “look you’re just not going to like this”, she was right I didn’t – or her approach, but that’s another story).
So my 7 month beauty is doing his usual smiling and greeting everyone as if they’re the best new human he’s ever met, happy as laid back Larry so the other nurse steals him and takes him for a ticky tour of the surgery while dracula here gets ready to suck my blood. She just says, “you’re looking really really good, I love your hair cut”
I burst into tears, wish I didn’t but I did, with the honest answer “really cos I feel like shit and don’t feel like half the person I used too, he just doesn’t stay asleep”…yeah, so not the right person to be honest with…the response..
” I don’t know how these single mothers do it, but they do, they just get on and do it”..this is code for oh shut up your whining, I see your partner walk the baby occasionally in the pushchair up the road, just get the fuck on with it, he’s happy and fine….it was then followed with “well it’s time for some tough love”…I imagine she probably meant him and me!
The thing is my mum was a single mother of 5 children under the age of ten years and yes I don’t know how the fuck she did it, I have asked myself that question pretty much daily for the past 7 months, along with the “why the fuck did she put herself through childbirth so often??”..(one posterior baby birth and I still cringe like fuck when people mention a sibling for him).
I had literally just told myself at 2 am this morning, right from now on when people ask just don’t mention the sleep thing – no one would know because he’s so happy and chilled, I just have to toughen up and hide it better….then I found this blog…
Thank you – you literally have probably just saved my sanity :-)x
Please keep sharing. Please keep your beautiful honesty. It is beautiful. You are doing an amazing job and I am grateful for your literary hilarity. You are communicating about what is in my present and you’re awesome.
Loool
Pingback: Presenting the 88th Down Under Feminists Carnival | The Conversationalist
emily, when my kids are older and I’m cool enough to form a “mum wolf pack” you would be part of my wolf pack and we can go bone our husbands and get drunk without having to worry about mini demanding terrorists (which I AM grateful for) the next morning!
You go mom! Im right there with you! I’ve got a 6 year old and a 9 year old who both want constant attention. My 9 year old has learning and behavior disorders. I’ve also got a 11 week old baby!
Being a single mom, it is always just me! They pull me in a million directions, yet I am expected to hold it all together AND go back to work!
It is perfectly okay to want to scream! You’re definitely not alone!
Omg I fully and completely feel your pain. My daughter now 20 did t sleep for the first year of her life. All she did was cry. Dr. Said she wasn’t colicky. I was left to tend to a crying baby and my son 25 now hut at the time he was 5. Ugh, being a parent is one of the most gratifying jobs but it is also of experience of the hardest jobs out there. I wouldn’t change it for the world I love being a mom, but come on being grateful for every little thing? Hmmm, im by far not grateful for not being able to sleep for her first year nor am not I grateful for for feeling the way I did her first year. I had no one to talk to about it either. No one believed me as well when they witnessed it no one wanted to be around. I was like you didn’t want to hear you should be grateful. I think you become more grateful when they are older and you see that all your hard work has paid off. Keep being a great mom, your doing just fine.
People still tell me I’ll miss my arsehole, selfish teenagers when they move out. I bloody, fuckin won’t!!!
Ok – my 5 kids have grown and left home leading their own lives now – but man did i go right back there when i read your blog! Those no sleep Zombie days….years actually… came flooding back! wooosh right there! (wish we had blogs in those days! I wouldve had a few cuss words to add). Feeling guilty for not being able to feel grateful – don’t miss those days at all… no one to understand what i was going through Yup pretty shit days. Yeah sure there were many exhilirating times with the kids. like when they still loved me when I got things wrong, when i yelled and screamed like a crazy person, when i embarrassed them by not being cool enough for their friends., when i’d fall asleep on the couch watching tv.. Oh well yeah but some days were just plain hard! Do i miss my kids now that they’ve left home… ummm…yeah – nah but mostly Nah! I love my space… my own bed… (husband gone too)… my own bed for just me… my nice clean house… going to bed whenever i want to… waking up to just go to work…. making lunch for just me… cooking tea for just ME! However i am very grateful for my amazing 5 children and my 3 beautiful moko’s – haha karma’s a bitch – now they now what its like to have them! reminds me I better tell them about your blog – oops better change my name
I love this blog, so true it does make you feel like you can’t talk about the pap bits. It’s not all rosy night feeds and warm snuggles at 3am! Brill writing, will be reading more x
I have only just found this blog, I feel like I have been missing out. When my daughter was 6 weeks old and suffering from reflux and colic and put a humorous post of Facebook saying “Can I trade in my kid for one that doesn’t scream 16 hours a day please? I think its broken”. 90% of people we great, they could understand. One asshole friend did the “be grateful” thing. She also has no children. I wanted to throw the computer at her. She had no bloody idea what I was going through (including PND at the time). I don’t remember my reply but I don’t think it was very polite. She then proceeded to email my husband and tell him to “keep his wife under control” and that “I don’t deserve kids and she would be a better mother than me”. Just wow. Really. She was unfriended on facebook and in real life and I haven’t spoken to her since. She has never met my daughter.
Thank you so much from this. I essentially had a breakdown the other day because i got frustrated and fed up and someone said the same thing to me and it made me feel like something was wrong with me for not appreciating it
OMG!! A-fucking-men!!! Says me reading this while also cluster feeding!! Love it!
Thank you so much for this. Two and a half years in and I’m yet to sleep through the night. And it’s true that there’s very few times that you can share those feelings without someone getting all judgy at you (or that’s how it feels). Maybe some of those “grateful” people could bear in mind that some of us are teetering on the edge, $ your judgy comments might just be the straw that breaks the camels back
My kids are adults now and I still remember the pure damn exhaustion and irrational anger at someone so little. I may miss their cute cuddliness, but I don’t miss losing the bed, or potty training or temper tantrums, or, or, or. And in case I forgot, I have two small dogs who want to be on me all the time, and a litter of foster puppies who shit and piss everywhere they can.
So to those who tell you you’ll miss this – tell them to foster a momma dog and her new babies. They’ll get reminded of the parts they don’t miss at all really quick.
This is awesome! Really cheered me up having tried to write something similar and instantly being pulled up for it since I was apparently being too honest. Thanks for the post!!
You’re entitled to feel and be frustrated! I despise when mothers judge each other. As for my own story: I remember when my son was about 4 or 5 (he’s 12 now) and I’d be sound asleep and he’d come in. He’d never wake me right up, but do this gentle tap that would jerk me awake. Worse was when he’d just stand next to my bed staring at me because he wasn’t sure what to do. So I’d be in this deep sleep and sense someone staring at me like I was in some horror movie. lol. Wasn’t a pleasant way to wake up.
This was wonderful. Thanks for helping me articulate how I feel!!!
Thanks x
61 year old Minnesotan gramma here. PLEASE keep writing. My god, you make me weep with glee!